[trigger warning]
I woke up, trying to stand up on my somewhat numb legs, only to fell onto the floor again. I glanced at my digital clock on the bedside table, 06:32 pm. Almost the whole day was gone, and I had barely done a thing.
You are pathetic.
A freak.
You'll never do good enough.
"Just... Stop it!", I said, forcing my arms up to my head.
You're not worth anyone's attention.
How could you even think that you'd actually make it to NYADA?
I started sobbing, quietly in the now quiet house. Scratching up my cuts, only to see the fascinating and beautiful dark red drops running down and onto the floor in perfect circular forms. Soon the dots would turn into bigger pools.
You're never gonna make it.
I reached for my bedside table, and opened its drawer. Breathing heavily, I took out the little box of painkillers. Just for emergencies, I'd told myself when I had bought it a few months.
Blaine doesn't love you, Kurt.
You don't deserve anyone.
I cried, the pain from the scars feeling oddly good.
Wouldn't it be nice to end it all?
Everything will be gone.
My whole body was shaking, from head to toe.
"I have nothing to live for", I said out loud, my voice unstable as I firstly now realised that it was true.
Nobody will miss you, Kurt.
Another invisible gone into invisibility.
No one would notice.
No one would care.
So what would a few pills mean?
Nothing.
"Everything", I sobbed.
Nothing, Kurt.
I poured about 16 pills into my hand. Added 3 more, just to make sure.
You can't deserve anyone, as long as you exists. You'll never be worth anything.
"But I'm worth this. I... I just want everything to end. I deserve this", I said, believing every word. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted the voice, my voice, my thoughts... Me? To end.
You're worth this, Kurt.
I reached for my phone, ignoring everything I said. My first instinct was to call him. Maybe he could make me feel safe.
At least to say goodbye.
I started dialling his number.
Blaine.
No, stop what you're doing, Kurt.
You're doing it wrong.
But, surprisingly, I didn't.
For once, I did as I said.
Too bad it'll be the last time, then.
He picked up, just after two beeps. He never picks up that fast.
"Hello Kurt!", his lovely voice said. I exhaled in relief. I heard the uncontrollable murmur of happy people in the background, he was still at Dalton.
You're bothering him.
"Hi...hi", I said, the energy running out of me. My sobs totally hearable through the line.
"Kurt, are you alright?", Blaine said, sounding like he was worried for some reason. Why was he worried? He shouldn't be. The noise in the background suddenly became quiet, like people were listening.
Yes.
"...n...no", I finally said, weeping, ignoring the voice, me, in my head. "But... But I'm ha-happy", I told him, to make sure so that he didn't become suspicious.
I could hear him panicking on the other side of the line. I could almost feel him looking around the room, desperately, trying to find something to hold on to.
"I'm so, so, happy", I said again.
"Kurt, where are you?" Blaine asked me calmly, but not in a calm way, like he was pretending to be calm. His breath was getting shorter.
Don't tell him.
He'll ruin your plans, Kurt.
"H...home", I said, not caring.
I could hear him shouting to someone.
"CAN ANYONE DRIVE ME TO KURT?!", and someone crying back. He sounded so afraid. Why did he sound afraid?
He started running, the air swooshing past the microphone. I scratched my arms. More blood ran out. Bigger pools on the floor. I squeked in pain. In a gorgeous pain. And it was all a blur, I could barely hear Blaine, talking in small sentenes, kind words.
Hang up, Kurt.
"Kurt, what are you doing? Please, please, tell me. I love you, so, so much. Please don't do anything until I'm by your side. We're at yours in five minutes, please don't hurt yourself", he rambled on, but I could only think about the first line. What was I even doing? Is this even me? I scratched my arms again, my tears were almost out.
Hang up.
And when I didn't, I scratched my arms one more time. And again.
I looked around. At the pools on the floor, the pills in my hand, my blood covered arms. My blurry view, breathing heavily as I reached for the razor - It's more effective. A heavier punishment.
As I slid it against my skin, I whimpered by the pain it created.
Blaine was crying on the other side, but I just couldn't help it.
You don't deserve him. You're not good enough.
Hang up.
"K-Kurt, whatever your doing... stop it. Please, I love you", he stuttered.
But I can't, I cannot stop.
I betrayed it.
This is my punishment.
"I... I see r-red", I forced myself to say. It was the only thing it allowed me to say.
You are ruining our plans, Kurt.
Hang up!
His confused voice only lasted for a second or two, until he desperately cried something to Wes.
"Kurt, calm down. I'm gonna be with you soon", Blaine said in a voice that soon was going to crack.
"But I'm so h-happy. You won't have... to come here. I'm happ...y", my tears burning on my open cuts.
You're just giving him another reason to why you're a complete freakshow, Kurt.
Hang up and continue what we were doing.
"Kurt, why are you happy? Please, tell me. I want to help you", he kept on saying, until I answered.
But why, why was he sounding worried? Why did he care? He doesn't love me.
I looked at the perfectly oval-shaped pills in my hand.
And firstly now I could form a sentence without pausing.
"Because I'll be done"
And there were no sadness in thar, because I was truly happy.
I was going to be done. Done.
"Done, done with what? Please, Kurt, I love you so much... I'm so worried about you", Blaine almost whispered.
I highered my hand, so that it was the same height as my mouth. I tilted my hand just as much so that every pill fell into my wide open mouth. I swallowed them, without stopping.
"...I'm sorry", I uttered. My phone fell onto the ground, my body finally giving up.
Good work, Kurt.
And all I could hear was my phone's speakers, Blaine's distant voice.
"No, no, no, no..."
It all melted into blackness.
-----
Hi guys!🌂
I'm sorry about that. I'm so sorry about this chapter. Feels. 🍃
Anyways, thanks for the lovely comments on my last chapter! It's crazy how people actually are reading this👀
Been writing this at late nights, so I'm v sorry about any weird sentences...😅
Also, I suck at updating. Hope it's okay🎈 but tbh I literally have zero time🌚
Btw, I was at Majorca last week. V nice. Got an allergic reaction though. It sucked. And became sick. And got sunburnt. Heh, I thiiiink my body was against that trip🌄
And yay this is a long chapter for once! Maybe leave a comment or vote?🐝 And keep on sharing the story frens! It would mean the world to me💓
So, well then, have a lovely day,
C🌈