Someone knocked on my door quietly as I slid the razor blade onto my skin for the seventeenth time. Sliding across the old cuts. Opening them again. I kept on counting.
One more, Kurt.
I did, and one more time after that, just to make sure.
"Kurt?", Finn said. He grabbed the doorknob, trying to unlock it, I layed back onto the wall, even further in the corner. Like that would help.
"Uh, well. I know you're in there. I'll just say it outside here, I guess... well... I'm sorry I didn't help you down there or something... I-I mean, I was worried about you too, just like the others, but you say you're okay and I believe you. But, still, is someone picking on you? I feel like I have to ask but, I-I believe that you're fine because of what you did down there...", he rambled. And I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Typical Finn. He would believe anything, don't you think?
I dragged the razor a few against my skin. I looked at the dark red liquid, pouring down my arm, fascinated. Answered in a controlled voice, just as loud so he could her my girly tone.
Your voice isn't good. And you can never fix that, Kurt.
"No", and I could almost here him smile. Technically, that wasn't a lie. I mean, there was someone, something, picking on me. And that was that monotonous voice in my head. Or is that me?
Look at how miserable you are.
"Oh. Okay. That's good then, I suppose. I... I just wanna say, well I guess I do wanna say a lot, that everyone is worried about you. I am too"
Shit. He didn't believe me. Why would he? How stupid am I. Finn's clever. He notices stuff.
"And there are numerous times Blaine has come up to me, or Burt, or mum for that matter, with red eyes. Asking; 'Do you guys know what's going on with him? He's just not himself. The look in his eyes, sad. I don't think he understands that I can see it. But I so do. And it breaks my heart'", I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Feeling like I was in a bubble. Blaine said that?
Of course not, he doesn't care about you. You're just a waste of time, Kurt.
It was first now that I realised I had warm, salty, tears running down my face. And I couldn't stop them, while I was desperately trying to make my sobbing not hearable. Soon, a tear reached my left wrists and the open cuts. It stung, and I wimped. But it stung in a good way. I deserved this.
Finn paused, just for a little while. Could he hear me crying?
You're so weak. You don't do any good in this world.
"And... And I-I guess that's it. That's what you should know", Finn kept quiet, me, sitting in the dark counting every time the new, somewhat warm, blood poured down my arm. He waited for me to answer.
Hide it. Lie to him.
"Dad sent you, didn't he?", I said, almost hearing him nod. "I'm perfectly fine, Finn. Don't worry. Tell them that I'm sorry about what happened earlier and that they shouldn't worry. I'm a perfectly functional human, I guess. And that I'm just a little stressed, so don't worry", I continued, the voice hitting me.
You said "worry" three times. Do it again.
"Don't worry", I said, just to make sure and I then slid the razorblade against my skin. Fourty one. Opening up the old ones. "I'm okay", and so, he left. I could hear him going quickly down the stairs to soon meet up with Dad & Carole to tell them what I'd said. To be honest, they could've just come as them. But I guess it's a parent thing.
Fourty seven.
Three more, then you're done.
Had Blaine actually cried because he was so worried about me?
No, of course not. That's just somwthing they came up with.
Fifty.
One more, Kurt.
Just because of that, I did two.

I woke up the next morning on the bedroomfloor's carpet, seeing that I had coagulated blood on my arms. And they hurt like never before. Reopening cuts wasn't the greatest.
You deserved it.
I stand up on shaky legs, breathing heavily. Stumbled across the floor to my bed, and checked the clock on my bedside table. 6:28 am.
Nobody's awake. They won't notice you sneaking out. Run to the dance studio. Or you'll get fat. Fatter than you already are.
Looked under my bed and took my hidden box with bandages, starting to wind my arms up. After that I put on some clothes, especially a long sleeved jumper, grabbed my bag and tripped down the staircase on my toes and shaky legs, feeling a little off, begging so that they wouldn't hear me. I walked in to the living room, desperate to get out. All those thoughts building up in my head. What if I didn't get it all out yesterday? What if it's still in my body? Changing to fat already...
"Hey Kurt, what are you doing up so early?", I suddenly heard Carole say. I quickly looked the direction her voice came from, and saw her sitting on an armchair while reading the newspapers.
Lie.
"I was just going down to get a glass of water", I said quickly. She smiled.
"Well then, what are you doing in here?", she laughed while sipping a little from a coffe mug. I gave her a serious look.
"It's early", I whispered ironically, and went to the kitchen on my shaky legs, hearing Carole laugh in the back.
Good work, huh? Now you can't get out. Go up to your room. Do fifty pull-ups. And sit-ups. No, you know what? Do it until you pass out, Kurt.
In my room, I stood, starting to do it, while crying my eyes out. My shaky, tiny, bony, arms could barely hold my body up. Seventeen.
I wasn't allowed to stop counting.
Eighteen.

Suddenly Finn knocked on my door, as I started my 49th sit-up.
Don't stop to talk.
"Kurt?", he said loudly, sounding like he was a bit distracted. He was probably texting Rachel. I hummed a yes, just as loud so that he could hear me. "Well, then. Mum & Burt are going away for the weekend, an unplanned trip to your aunt or something. I guess you don't want to go with them?", oh, he knew me.
"Y-yeah. My aunt hates me", I said, a little out of breath.
"Thought so. Well, I'll be at Rachel's. Her Dads are throwing a party and all her relatives will be there, she wanted me to meet them all. So you have the house for yourself", he continued, sounding excited.
"Oh, o...okay. Bye then, and tell Dad I love him. He's pro-robably still angry at me. A-and for them to have a good weekend", I said, little shaky. The whole room was a blur, the lights flickering on and offf in my head.
"I will, see ya!", Finn said, leaving my door.
Whole house for yourself.
Fantastic, isn't it?
No one will notice you whimpering in the corner.
My arms gave up holding my body over the floor, as I'd just changed to pull-ups. My head hit the floor, and the lights stopped flickering. They were switched off.
Not good enough, Kurt. You're not enough.
But I couldn't do more. Everything was black. My body had switched off too, and so my eyes was already closed.
I was switched off, finally, I could stop.
-----
Hi lil chilis🌄
Have you had a great day so far? Did someone put a smile on your face? Hopefully💓
School started for me last week, so I've been writing this in the evening, sooo you might find some incorrectly written sentences. Blaming it on me being non-English🍃

Now I'm just hoping you won't hate this chapter because nothing happens💭
But, let me tell you, stuff is going to happen v soon!🔥
Actually, I feel sorry for Kurt, I'm making him go through so much stuff that no one actually should have to go through🌪
Also I feel like e v e r y single chapter has the same happenings, it seems boring for you. Is it? Shall I stop writing? Because I love writing this. And I want to make it a great reading experience for you guys🙄

Maybe leave a vote or a comment? They make my day💓
Oh and I'm gonna try to upload soon, hopefully I'll get to write a little🐝

Thank you for reading this mess of a book, by the way! It's crazy how we have over 1k reads, because when I started, I didn't expect anything☔️
meow,
C
[ps: my instagram is called @chilnava too] [shameless self promo heheheheh]