[trigger warning]
Mercedes laughed happily as she hopped into my car standing outside the church.
"I missed you, sunshine", she said, after seeing me looking out in nowhere, bored as ever, complaining about traffic. "I love your sarcastic comments about traffic", she beamed, hugging me.
"Missed you too", I said when she pulled away.
Why does everyone have to hug me, all of a sudden?
"You should come to church with me some day", she said, not asking, as I drived out on the street again. I almost choked on laughter, until I realised that she looked at me seriously.
"Um... What the hell am I actually going to do there? I don't belong there - and if you've forgotten, I don't believe", I snapped, sounding more fierce than I thought. "Sorry, Mercedes... I didn't mean it like that", I quickly said, meaning it, as I saw Mercedes' offended face.
"I know... But you liked it last time, didn't you?", she asked, a hopeful smile appearing on her face.
"It was okay, but I felt like... like...", I said, not finding the right words.
"Like a fish on land?", she asked and I looked at her for a second before answering.
"No offend, but I felt like a fish on freakin' Mars", I answered, looking at her, feeling bad.
"It's okay. Everyone's different", Mercedes said, smiling, and then looking back at the street. "Gosh, Kurt! Eyes on the road!"
Idiot.
I turned my eyes back quickly, as I realised I hadn't been paying attention. I stepped on the brakes rapidly when I saw the big van, that had just been across the street, swooshing past us.
"You're such an idiot, freak!", I shouted, my arms shaking. "You could've killed us!"
It didn't sound like me. Again.
"What?", Mercedes watched me as I mumbled angry words under my breath.
"Just me yelling at myself because that was more than just an idiotic incident", I said, not even thinking about what I'd actually said. I breathed heavily, trying to take it in while Mercedes sat quietly beside be, shocked by the thing that just happened.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. It was my fault. I'm never, ever, going to give you a ride again..."
"Don't be. It was our fault. I was talking to you so you weren't paying attention. It happens to everyone once in a while, Kurt!"
I could've killed us.
Just one second more and we could be dead.
Dead.
Gone.
My fault.
And that would be great, wouldn't it?
Being dead?
Not when someone else is too.
Not when someone else is dead because of you.
But you, dead. I know you want to. I know you've wanted it for a long time. Always there in the back of your head.
Everything would be so much easier. And no one would care if I died. Not dad, not Finn, not Carole...
Not even Blaine.
Why would he care?
Yes, why would he care, Kurt?
He's not in love with you.
He's not in love with you because you're a freak.
I know.
That's why I want to be dead.
No one will ever deserve me.
I'm not good enough.
"Stop blaming yourself, shake it off! Kurt! It wasn't your fault, k?", Mercedes said panicky, and that's when I realised I was crying.
I wiped my tears quickly.
"Sorry. I'll shake it off soon", I said, mumbled as I pulled up the driveway and parked. "The Lima Bean it is then"

As we walked in, I felt someone stare at me from far behind, but I couldn't see who. We came up to the pay desk, the lady smiling so brightly it must've hurt. I looked around, from one side of the café to the other, desperate to know who was staring at me.
"And what would you like?", the extreme smiling lady said, stopping me from focusing on important things.
"Um...", I looked at Mercedes order, some sort of coffe and a cupcake for us to share. I gulped. "Just a plain, black, coffe", I finally said.
Way too many calories, Kurt.
"No wait, just a bottle of water, thank you", I said, shaking my head, just two seconds after my first order.
Good job.
I took my cup of water and we sat down at an empty table. I couldn't take it slow for one minute. Someone was watching me.
"So how's the glee club going? Any new additions?", I asked, sipping tiny amounts of water from my cup.
"No. But, we're not the same without you", she said, giving me puppy eyes as an act to get me back. I snorted.
"Really?", I said sarcastically. "Huh, tell that to the others, they hate it when I'm there", I continued giving Mercedes a look saying I-don't-wanna-talk-about-this. Still, she opened her mouth to argument. "I left it. And just like that, we'll now leave this conversation"
She shrugged her shoulders, fiddling on the cupcake's cup to get it out. She broke a little bit of the cupcake, and handed it to me.
"Want some?", I stared at the bomb of calories in front of me.
You'll get fat. And everyone will hate you.
But if I didn't she'll get curious.
And I took the tiny piece, my hand shaking as I looked at it anxiously. Mercedes looked at me as I slowly put it in my mouth and swallowed it, and when it finally was fully eaten I started talking again.
"Stop inspecting me?", I snapped, again.
You just eat that thing in front of everyone here. They probably think you're disgusting.
She eat a little bit of the cupcake and took her eyes from me, when I felt the one watching me getting closer, and I getting more and more uncomfortable of where I was. Soon, the watching man got confirmed as I saw Sebastian appearing from the middle of nowhere. My stomach made a knot, was he really going to talk to me?
He saw you eat the cupcake.
He thinks you're disgusting.
And he already hates me.
He suddenly stood at our table, smiling a horrendous smile, a smile of spitefulness.
I could feel the cupcake in my stomach swallow, laying there waiting to become fat. I was already shaking.
You need to get it out. The others will hate you if you don't.
"So, having a good day, are we?", he said.
"Yes, and now you came and destroyed it, Warbler Boy", Mercedes said angrily.
"Mercedes, go. He only wants to talk to me", I said, shrugging my shoulders, as Mercedes went away, happier than ever to go.
"Have you done as I've said?", Sebastian asked quickly.
"Yeah", I answered, feeling like I could throw up any minute.
You ate a cupcake.
Full of calories.
Freak.
"Good. He'll soon realise who's the better one..."
"So, Sebastian, this was a lovely talk, but I really need to go. Bye"

Soon, I found myself in the surprisingly clean bathroom, putting two fingers up in my throat. The voice haunting me more than ever.

When I got out, Mercedes stood there, waiting for me. She looked at me carefully. I probably looked like I was going to pass out. Or a vampire. I wasn't sure, yet.
"You know, if I was working here, the place, especially the bathrooms, would be cleaner than ms Pillsbury's desk", I said with my normal tone, feeling a little off.
"What did he want?", she said and pointed at Sebastian, who was now leaving the café.
Quick lie.
"You know, the usual. Trying to get me back to the Warblers"
I was getting quite good at lying.
-----
Hello there humans🐝
So, I know that I said that I'd try to update more now that school is over. I just couldn't find inspiration☔️
Sorry about that...
So yay! New chapter. Probably quite boring. And it's a long, boring one.
What did you think? Was it too much boringness?👀
Because, as I've said. I love writing this, and I want it to be a lovely read to you...🎈
And I feel so sorry for Kurt because he has to go through all this shit I make him feel or do🌵
Oh, and if you wanna see me doing more stuff, I'm also @chilnava on Instagram. I post doctor who edits, since dw is life🙈
And don't forget to give feedback and vote💕
Have a lovely day! Enjoy life!💓
//C