Lovely - Billie Eilish and Khalid

*Negative Sexual Trigger Mention*

"Why do you think you're fighting for this?"

Jimin chews the inside of his gums, eyes shifting awkwardly to the floor before looking back to his therapist, shrugging, "I uh.... Can you clarify the question for me?"

Dr. Kang studies Jimin carefully, clasping his fingers together, "With this stand about skating and wanting to be equal. This is a problem that you have stated that it's something that just exploded after Taehyung and Minho came out as a pair, so why do you believe you're fighting for this too?"

This left Jimin a little speechless, furrowing his eyebrows, "Why the fuck do you think? It's shitty to think that just because they're gay that they have to be expelled from the program, especially if they're good skaters."

"Yes, indeed they are," Dr. Kang agrees, "Do you think you're personally connecting this issue to any of your experiences?"

Jimin in a heartbeat shakes his head, "No."

"Then why is this so important to you?"

"Because - Shit, I'm gay, alright!" Jimin in frustration huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, "Seeing this stigma for years piling over is fucking frustrating! I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I want without having to worry about someone suspecting I'm getting dick down my throat-"

"Have you been taking your medication?"

Jimin didn't respond back to that abrupt question instantly, shuffling his hands from his chest to his lap before moving it to the arm rest of the chair, rolling his eyes, "What does that have to do with anything-"

"You haven't, your behavior has changed drastically since our last session," Dr. Kang notes, remaining calm despite the fact that he know raised Jimin's anxiety, "Why haven't you been taking your medication."

Annoyedly Jimin scowls, "Because I get fucking depressed whenever I take them. Now that I'm not skating or doing ballet, because of all this shit, being in my apartment eats me alive. Helps that I'm not interacting with people, didn't think it would be important to take them."

Dr. Kang only continues to write in his notes before he suddenly pauses, staring at it for a moment before he ended up closing the booklet and sets it aside. He looks at Jimin now with a different shift of his gaze, putting his glasses down on the desk with a frown.

"How's things with your vision?"

Jimin shifts uncomfortably to the change in topic, grimacing, "Progressive."

"Can you see me?"

Slowly the dancer rises his gaze to where Dr. Kang's desk usually is, feeling a suffocating tension on his throat to the blur to where he once was able to see his therapist properly.

His silence said it all, and Dr. Kang only sits up, "How long since you've began to lose sight of your long distance?"

Jimin's lips tighten against each other, letting his gaze flutter back to his hands, "Couple weeks now."

"What about your nearsight?"

"Still can see."

"You drive, how are you handling transportation?"

"Taemin, my instructor, is handling it," Jimin says quietly, rubbing his hands together nervously, "Before I lost my long sight, I was teaching a friend of mine - Jeongguk how to drive."

Dr. Kang remembers Jimin mentioning Jeongguk a few times in their sessions, so he nods to this, "I see. Must be a hard process for you?"

"I've learned to deal with it," Jimin quickly dismisses, trying to not let the anxiety become too tight on his chest, so he rubs a hand to the area with a weak clear of his throat, "Shit..... I don't feel good right now."

"I know."

"T-That's the thing, you don't know - how can you possibly know?" Jimin chuckles drily to himself, "You don't fucking know what it's like."

"Then what is it like?"

Jimin's hand rubbed harder to the area, his breaths growing uneven, following with the flashes of memories running through his head - something that always happens when he would get into an episode, "What is it like - It's like fucking dying! You can't breathe. Control suddenly escapes your body until boom, you fucking explode!"

Dr. Kang didn't say anything, only watches as Jimin slowly loses composure of himself as he runs his hand through his messy hair with a grunt, cursing words under his breath in aggravation with a sudden chuckle again.

"You fucking piss me off - you know that right? You always think you fucking know everything but guess what! Y-You don't know shit!" Jimin suddenly snarls, sitting up right with an accusing finger to the therapist, "I've been through a lot! You hear me? That's why I'm so f-fucked up!"

Expressionlessly Dr. Kang stares at him, slowly nodding, "This whole thing going on must be your breaking point huh? Must be tough."

"Tough?" Jimin laughs, scratching a hand to his head, "Tough? You have not a fucking clue!"

"Have you tried talking to someone close?"

"For what? So, they can not know what to tell me and end up looking stupid-"

"Not about that," Dr. Kang sighs, leaning back to the chair, "Just talking to anyone in general, gain an intimate relationship-"

Jimin scoffs, arms crossed over his chest, "Listen, I've already told you before. Me and that intimate shit is just not for me. I hate having someone make me feel fucking weak."

"I thought you mentioned two weeks ago that you and Taemin seem to have grown closer? Sleeping together, eating together, practice together -"

"Yeah well, that's just us being good friends," Jimin retorts, rolling his eyes, "Whatever, we got into a fight this morning either way, he's probably going back home."

"Why did you two fight?"

Jimin shifts his glare to where he can make out Dr. Kang's silhouette, "Fuck should I know! Something stupid or something. Wanted to practice and he kept telling me to rest. This whole situation has been stressing us out so obviously we reached a breaking point."

"Or is it because you refused to accept his care?" Jimin's glare intensified, "You're just going backwards on your treatment. Is there a certain trigger or something that happened-"

Abruptly is Jimin is to his feet, tears glistening his eyes with his raging gaze, "Shut the fuck! For you information I was fine! I was so fine before seeing you and before the stupid Ice-Skating program - Hell, I was even far better before meeting all these people!"

"Because you were alone?"

"YES!" Jimin explodes, twitching hands now gripping his hair, heaving through his breaths with a quiver smile, "N-Now all the sudden there's all these people that are looking after my well being and shit - Fucking Jeongguk especially with him being all nice to me. Had to ignore him for these days after the protest at the rink because they just - They all just - FUCK!"

Jimin kicks the legs of the chair he was sitting on, screeching angrily under his breath, pounding a fist to his chest to stop the burn that's escalating somewhere deep inside his damn chest.

And it won't fucking come out.

"I want this to stop."

"For what to stop Jimin?"

Just by Dr. Kang's calm voice was enough to edge the tears from Jimin's eyes, spilling over as he leans against the windowsill, looking outside the raining day, lips trembling, "All of it."

Dr. Kang frown deepens, hearing the sentimental twitch in Jimin's frail voice, "What's killing you inside Jimin?"

Those words was like the knife twisting in Jimin's chest, spilling more tears as he clasps a hand to his mouth to hold back any fragile noises, but suddenly takes a deep inhale and roughly wipes the tears away - trying to strengthen his gaze.

"I-It.....Shit, it was my fault okay?" Jimin forces out, his voice now hoarse.

"What's your fault?"

That night flashes Jimin's eyes like a flare of light, provoking shivers throughout his entire body, nodding to himself to accept the blame, "I got shit faced one day a-after a performance in France, at this bar with a couple of other dancers. I barely remember shit, but I remember regaining consciousness on the floor. I-I saw my body through the mirror, clearly obvious I got f-fucked or whatever. Shit happens, right?"

Shakily Jimin moves his trembling hand away from his mouth, closing his eyes as more tears gushed down his cheeks, "Videos were spread between the dancers of me.... Acting fucking stupid. Every damn day in the locker room, the guys would.... T-They would..."

Jimin's voice trails off, hearing the damn voices in his damn head so brutally loud that he had to cover his damn ears, whimpering under his breath hysterically, "I-I did this to myself - How could I lose so much control? Hm? A-And then there was this guy, who I thought was interested in me and w-we were together for a while, but the fucker one night tied me to the bed and suddenly more guys from the team came in -"

The words stayed choked in Jimin's throat, losing sense of forming coherent sentences, wheezing to himself as he leaned against the wall, pressing his head back with his hands tightening on his hair, "I'm going crazy - Why did I-I trust him? Why d-did I do this to m-myself? Why did I l-let my guard down?"

Slowly his body slides down the wall, choking in his breaths, screeching through his teeth, "I can't get close to anyone. Not for a long time. It makes me so fucking angry that I- Shit, why c-can't I b-be at peace?"

Jimin fights back hard to not sob, both hands on his throat to stop it from escaping, but only feeling the clawing pain slicing him up from the inside, forcing a shriek out of his lips, "It hurts..... Everything fucking hurts Yeosang. I'm in pain, and I don't know what to do! I just don't know."

Dr. Kang is up from his chair, taking a moment to collect himself because of how badly he wants to cry for the other male, before finally crouching down in front of him, seeing the strain in Jimin's pink face to cry.

"Jimin..... I-It wasn't your fault."

"Y-Yes it was," Jimin forces out through his breaths, squeezing his eyes shut, "I hurt people. I make them hate me."

"Because you don't want to get hurt like how you were, and it's a big step for you to even talk about it," Dr. Kang says softly, "What you went through wasn't easy. This scarred you for a long time holding it in."

"Y-You don't get it," Jimin shutters, now fixing his eyes to his own gaze, "T-They fucked me, o-one by o-one.... So I wouldn't be able to p-perform for our big show. J-Just because I'm gay...... I thought they cared about me since we were a-a team but..... I can't stop feeling this pain."

Dr. Kang's heart felt as though it dropped to the floor, dropping to his knees in front of the fragile dancer, who's face twists in agony, "T-That's why this i-is so important to m-me. No o-one should have to g-go through what I d-did because they're gay! I deserve to d-dance and to s-skate! Fuck! Why is it so hard for people to accept that!"

And finally, Jimin let's out the most horrific and painful scream that he's been holding inside for years. A scream that one would feel deep in their bones, sending goosebumps over their skin and tears to whelm their own eyes.

Just like how it did to Dr. Kang, who only let the man cry.

And cry.

Until there was nothing left inside of him.

______________________

A/N:

Very deep and touching scene. Now we know the traces of Jimin's trauma, and I really hope you all are doing okay? This is a very emotionally triggering scene, so I hope you all are doing okay.

I PURPLE YOU! <33