Skip if wanted, I need to rant. Sorry guys.

Here's what I don't understand. How the freaking heck can someone say "Oh Jordan this is why I love you" (as a friend btw) and then two seconds later say "Jordan seriously go away"?!

I need to say something I've never told anyone and I don't think that there's a single person who knows this.

Usually I try my hardest to be really out-going and attempt being funny and try to be like this vision I've always had of a weird popular girl. I've tried to make it a part of me and I've done pretty well. People just don't like it. I'm afraid to be how I feel because if people judge me like this they'll judge me as the real me too.

Inside I'm a freakishly shy little girl who wants to just sit in a corner. I hate being alone for any period of time but hate being around people. All I want to do is listen to my music and think. The problem is that every time I stop talking or want to be alone everyone automatically thinks something's wrong. Yeah, something's always wrong but can I not be how I freaking feel?! I also always feel like I know nothing. Like I'm the stupidest girl alive. Everyone I know is super smart and I'm always the one asking for help and getting laughed at because I'm supposed to be smart like them.

This is one of the reasons I'm ready to go to a new school where no one will know me. If no one knows me, I can be like how I've always been.

I'm not good at having friends. I shut people out too easily and don't really like people. I feel like a mess around people. They freak me out. I truthfully have no idea how to act around people and that's not an act. I'm always afraid I'll mess up or be too strange. I always feel like everything is going to be terrible and have such anxiety about every little thing.

No one gets it though. They think I'm the happy out-going little girl that I try to seem like. Next year will be both great and a train wreck. No more of these people to deal with but the monster of new people is coming. I just can't stand anything anymore and everything is too hard and ugh.

Again sorry I had to get it out.😓

~Jordan~