It was 3 am, I tried to sleep but when I closed my eyes all I would see was the haunting image of his body lying still covered, being rolled away one a gurney. I still didn't believe he was gone. I couldn't. I sent texts mostly, saying I love you and I'm sorry, to his cellphone, I knew he wouldn't respond and he never will be able to now. Just knowing that I had part in in the death of someone as amazing and talented as Tyler Joseph is tearing me apart. His parents called all I could muster out was "I'm so sorry." They told me they knew how much he meant to me. That's bullshit, the feelings I had for Tyler Joseph were stronger than anyone could understand, love wasn't a word to even start to describe it, but I couldn't think of anything stronger. It wasn't that I had a choice to want him, I needed him. He built me into the person I am, he let me into his world and treated me as if I mattered. I know no one could know how much that meant to me. They continued with saying they were planning the funeral and that it'd be in 7 days. I offered to help with the cost but they didn't let me, they told me that there's so much more in life and if I ever consider killing myself to think of everything I have. I hung up.
I knew they didn't understand. Tyler was everything to me without him I have nothing.
I sat there in silence for a couple minutes.
Just there with my thoughts.
Then my phone rang, making me jump a bit and separating me from my thoughts.
It was Brendon.
"...."
"..."
"Josh, I'm so sorry I heard what happened."
"I just cant accept that I will have to live my life without him."
"I know I was friends with him too, but I know what he meant to me would be nothing compared to how much he meant to you."
I started crying again.
"Josh, I can come over if you need help or a shoulder to cry on, I don't want you to do something irrational."
"Thank you, Brendon but I'd rather try to figure things out by myself."
"Alright Josh just please don't try to do what he did, many people care for you, bye."
"...bye."
Brendon understood me more than most people. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I don't care about all those people who care for me. All I need is Tyler.
I don't know what I'm going to do without him...