I don't know how much sense this will make, I just wanted to write a little and see if I could get some thoughts out of my head. This will be an open letter of sorts.

I'm sorry. I don't know if we'll ever be able to fix whatever the hell happened, but I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for fucking up. I miss you and I'm kinda screwing myself over because I keep watching your Snapchat story and what you're posting on Facebook. I still have you on Instagram and I haven't changed anything about your status with me on here.

I know all three of us are a mess and I'm not saying we will never be friends again, nor am I saying we ever will be. I'm just writing this because it hurts and this helps me actually deal with my emotions like you always pushed me to.

All of my emotions just kinda hurt right now, you know?? Little Shit is coming home the day before we leave for Africa unless he definitely decides to do the one program left to him. He promises he's getting better, but  even if he is that doesn't erase twelve years of abuse and trauma, yeah?? I'm still in school and I've pretty much quit going to youth. I sit on my ass at home all day almost every day, I hardly eat because I'm not ever really hungry anymore. I only really have one friend I can spend time with anymore because she's the only one that can handle me and actually makes time for me. But she also has a bunch of other friends because that's how she is. It's not her fault; she's popular and extroverted while I'm introverted and annoying. I never want her to feel guilty because she has friends and I just can't seem to bring myself to push to make more.

I just get lonely. And my dumbass self keeps tabs on the lives of people that I've had to cut out, I've had fallouts with, or people I've just drifted from. It's really idiotic, but I can't seem to just ignore it or pull them off my social media. All of them meant so much to me and yet it all kinda disappeared one way or another. And honestly, I wouldn't be who I am without some of the lessons a few of those people taught me, but that doesn't mean the scab hurts any less. And the fact that I keep picking at it keeps it coming up instead of me actually letting it heal.

My life is a mess and in reality, all of my "problems" are just trivial things I make too big a deal about, yeah?? Like, it sucks to not have a ton of friends, but my babe is more than enough and the few others I speak with when I see them are nothing but kind and supportive. Little Shit will most likely end up in the program for at least six months, so I still don't have to deal with that. My parents are mostly supportive and my brothers are too, for the most part. I only work like two or three days a week total between my two jobs. I'm almost finished with school. I just overthink things so I'm pretty sure most of this is self inflicted over reactions anyway.

I kinda always want to cry, but that's not too different than the state I'm almost always living in. I have such a hard time sleeping that when I finally get to sleep, I end up sleeping until 10am and I get yelled at because I'm sleeping away the day when really I was up until three or four am most days just because I could not sleep. I'm told I'm fat and lazy and my lung/breathing problems are just because I don't work out so it's all self inflicted anyway.

I'm just fucking miserable and I shouldn't be but I am. Most of it is caused because I over think EVERYTHING but I don't really know how to cut it out or to properly express my emotions in a healthy way. I'm stressed because I don't really have money in my bank and I'm about to leave for Africa where I'll need money and I barely have enough because clothes are fucking expensive.

Life is just crashing in on me in a way it hasn't in months and I don't know how to stop it or to talk it out.