You know what the shittiest thing about this is?

I apologized.

I know I screwed it up. I know this is my fault. I know we're fighting because I took my emotions out on you wrongfully, but seriously?

I've apologized three times at this point. Maybe you didn't understand how I was apologizing or didn't recognize my method of apology as what it was.

No matter what the reason is, you still have yet to acknowledge that I apologized.

I'm not expecting you to forgive me. Honestly I would understand if you forever held this against me, but at least acknowledge my apology. At least say you recognize that I apologized for what happened and tell me that you're not ready to accept the apology and forgive me just yet. I would completely get that. Like I said, you never have to forgive me for this.

I probably won't forgive me either.

It's just the fact that you want us to start talking again. You want it to be less awkward than our conversation today was. You want to have some form of normalcy to our conversations, even if nothing in our relationship is the same after this past week.

I just want you to acknowledge it. I'm still pissed about what happened. I'm still hurt about how the events unfolded. I'm mostly upset with myself and how ridiculously I acted. I apologized. I acknowledged that I fucked up. I tried to fix it.

Now you want to try and patch up this mess without even acknowledging my attempt at fixing it when I was calmed down a bit.

It hurts. It hurts that this happened and that I probably screwed this up past the point of repair. It hurts that our relationship will never be the way it was.

It hurts that you've spent this whole time trying to explain away how you're feeling and how hurt you are and how angry you are when it seems like you're not even interested in listening when I attempt to explain myself. It seems like you've just brushed off my feelings because I wronged you. It seems like you shit me out because I hurt you. I get that I hurt you and I get that I messed up. But don't expect me to understand how to fix it when you've shut me out just as much as I have.

I know I don't do a very good job of explaining my feelings. I know it comes out as a jumbled mess or doesn't make any sense at all. I know it doesn't seem like I'm opening up when I am.

I've held all of my feelings and reactions in for twelve years. I became the dramatic mess everyone sees me as to overcompensate for the fact that I don't feel things the way I should. I'm not going to magically be able to express myself eloquently and fix all of my issues in a year and a half. That's not how this works.

I want desperately for it to work like that. I don't want to be dysfunctional like I am. I don't want to ruin relationships because I can't accurately express what's going on in my head. I don't want to push people away because I'm too loud, too eccentric, too pushy, and too excitable. I don't want to keep hurting people the way I have for years. I don't want to keep snapping at people because I don't know what other emotions to react with.

You told me you loved me despite the mess of my life. You told me you didn't care. That you would help me through it.

I know the things I said and did the other night were unforgivable, but I didn't expect you to walk away. And you did walk away. You said you were done. You walked out. I just wanted to end the fight. You ended the relationship.

I don't care what you tell your friends. Tell them I'm a horrible person. Tell them I abused you. Tell them I used you to fix myself. Tell them I'm ruthless. Tell them I have no feelings. Tell them I disregard yours when I'm upset. Tell them whatever you want. Let them talk you out of patching this up.

Do whatever you need to do to help yourself and keep yourself in the right place. Do what it takes to keep yourself sound and good.

But don't expect to be surprised when you hear about the angry tears and the hurt tears and the fucking pitiful way I cry because I know I probably won't fix this. Don't be surprised when I post pictures of me with other people. This will hurt me just as much as it will hurt you.

You do what you need, but don't expect me to sit around and wait for your decision.