I hate that I miss you so much.

You did a lot of wrong to me, but I still love you. I mean, granted, I was a total bitch the last like two or three months of our friendship.

I just... Miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss our drama. I miss talking about the future. I miss the way we would act like we knew a bunch of celebrities. I miss all of the crazy shit we did together. I miss that I didn't get to help you finish your bedroom and I don't even know what it looks like anymore. I miss your mom.

I miss you.

I love you. I loved the talks we had. I loved how I could be myself. I loved that we didn't hide from each other. I loved that we pushed each other to be better versions of ourselves. I loved how we could bitch to each other about anything. I loved that I could be sarcastic and rough with you and you would do the same right back. I just loved... Us.

We fit really well and we got along great.

Even now, thinking back to all of the good things we had and how important you were for that year and a half, I get emotional. I still spend time crying over the destroyed relationship. I'm angry and hurt and sad and all of these things over a relationship that really lasted a very short time.

I wish we had more time together, as I sit thinking "oh she would have loved this" or "I should send this to her; she'd laugh so hard" or "she needs to be mad with me about this one".

You would think after the six or so months since our fight I would be okay and come to terms with the fact that you are not in my life anymore, but seeing you on social media all the time makes this so much harder.

I wish I could stop torturing myself and just cut you off, but I'm hoping so hard that some day in the future, one of us will reach out and it won't be awkward. It'll be as though we never stopped talking. It'll be as if it's been a week, not closer to a year or more.

I hope.

I know I shouldn't. I know I'm just hurting myself more. I know you probably don't even think about me anymore. Or you probably talk about how horrible I was to you. I know I was probably just a blip on you timeline, but what can I say?

I'd rather hurt than act like I never loved you and you were never important to me.