I want to talk of diamonds and honey
of blood and salty tears
of water filling my lungs and painful goodbyes

I want to reminisce in the clean bedsheets
on your bed
on my couch
with your lips
that filled me once upon a time

The laughter you pulled from me
and the happiness you promised
The art I found in myself
while I thought of you as my canvas

I have found beauty and beauty has found me
He promised me a lifeline of suffering
and suffering I have
but he promised eternal life
of primroses and sapphires
He said I will never be lost within purple
but within tangerine orange
I believed him
He has found me

There is nothing to be afraid of
nothing is purple
Everything is in its place
There is nothing behind the wall
nothing behind the door
nothing inside me
It does not exist

Your brown-black is beautiful
you do not need to seek for a green-blue
or a hazel-gold

It is okay to be extraordinary
It is okay to be different

Continue to live with that fire
for it will make you glow like the untouchable lava
and lead you in the hours of pitiful darkness

Your fire will burn and destroy
but your earthly element
your wisdom
will help you rebuild
without cement or raw materials of humankind

Your buildings will be better than the last
and you will forget how the salt tasted
when they used to roll down
your cheeks

However you will remember the soil you were planted on
You will provide
Like a fierce woman
because you are small/dark kisses
And you are everything the world never thought they needed.

  - i think i found myself
yuka koi || monday, 16th july 2018

—

he meant dear to me, he meant a lot
i didn't think he would teach me anything
he was not a teacher
he was not supposed to be
what he wanted to be was not uncommon, a rapper

i didn't have enough time to ask him why
the sand in the hourglass
left me in defeat

his lover soon took my place
i handed her a plastered smile and some small talk
but she never knew
you didn't tell her

admittedly, i don't know why you kept it from her
did you know she stills talks to me?
i don't think you should play her like this
don't pretend you don't have strings attached to her
i see it on your feed
you care about her

you used to care about me
i think
actually, i don't think so
was that supposed to affect me?
maybe it did
i wouldn't be writing this poem if it didn't

so i keep wondering until this day
why you didn't tell her
because that's in my nature
i need to know why
otherwise i'm stubborn
like the horns of my father
or the hands of my mother when something isn't done correctly

something in me wants to expose everything
but then the secret would lose its worth
and by god do we want to keep this all a secret
everything we know
everything we are
maybe we should keep it hidden
and i think that's what god wanted you
to teach me

—

it doesn't take separation to prove a failing marriage

i'm not sorry