the lover i never got over.

the person who keeps holding me back and linking me to all the good memories.

also the person who gives me wings by taking them away.

i didn't ask to fall in love this hard. i didn't ask to be cared about from this certain person.

why do i constantly fall for him?

does it really have to be him?

it's like i'm in love with the half he shows me and i fear the other half he keeps trying to hold back.

he's my ideal type. the body he owns is just a bonus to the personality i fell in love with.

the wings the cuts off my back so that i can grow a new pair. he means well but hurts me unknowingly.

he hurts me deeply. it leaves scars on my heart.

the paranoia that my emotions towards him will never leave. that i'll never move on. it's driving me insane.

i know what my therapist will say again; that it's not easy to move on and i should take my time.

i don't have time. i don't have the patience. i don't have the fucking heart to let go.

is it from my side or his? is this love or lust? i don't know.

i just don't want it to be over
while i also hope it'll be over.

-

it's like having to clean an open wound with disinfectant. you know it's going to hurt but it'll be better in the end.

only that in this case it's not going to be for the best.

everyone's expecting it and everything depends on whether you're capable of loving someone who is better known as a mature and responsible asshole.

it's the reputation you've made for yourself but you didn't do it intentionally. it's not my fault i was born to fall head over heels.

i can't help the feelings i have and i can't help how people will always remember how close him and i used to be.

close.

are we still close now?

-

why are we drifting apart?

i remember the four of us. three of you being the only people i could actually be myself around.

until you fell in love with her and i got jealous.

that's when i first started grooming the side i shouldn't have been entertaining.

keisis.

what's when keisis was born, i suppose.

she moved away. you were fine.

then he moved away too. the friend i was closest with. the person i always teased for being a crybaby.

and then it was just you and i.

i liked it i have to admit.

we were close were we not? i mean, you did kiss me.

very traumatizing moment, by the way. thanks for that.

we used to do all that cool shit.

times when we felt upset and met up at that rooftop. times when we almost burned the kitchen down. times when i had to tutor you but we'd actually be talking about unrelated things. times when you've been more of a lover than a best friend.

now i reminisce back on those moments hoping that half of you will face me once again.

so where did that side of you go?

is my heart ready for the pain again?

how will i ever learn to forget?