My house is on the edge of the forest and looks out on the stone mountains that disappear in the clouds. The door frame is rotten, ivy has taken root between the cracks and continues to grow inside. The roof is held together by a few beams that Felix placed for me when it collapsed. The wooden walls are so rotten that mold has grown on them. By hanging herb leaves on the windows, the whole house smells of mint and lavender. My bed is all the way in the corner with the yellowed sheets crumpled up at the foot of the bed.

I charge forward and throw open the closet doors, looking for an old cloth to bandage my back. Gillian kneels in front of the hearth and lights the fire with two stones. My arm scrapes against my kitchen table and when I step aside my hip bumps into my bed. I throw dresses and pants on my bed and dig deeper to get the older pieces of fabric. I throw an old red dishcloth on my bed.

Angrily, I leave my friends behind in my living quarters and head out the back door to take a dip in the pond ahead.

As soon as the water closes over my shoulders I allow myself to feel. My head falls back and with trembling hands I pour bowls of water over my hair.

A drop falls on my face and is soon followed by a second. As soon as I open my eyes I see small circles forming all over the surface of the pond. Rain beats on my head and when I raise my hand, on my palm. Slowly the trembling subsides and I can breathe regularly again.

In the distance the figure of a girl appears, waving shyly. Her black hair is cropped short and sticking up. Her amber eyes are hidden behind a black cloth that she always wears in public. From the corner of her right mouth, a scar runs diagonally up to her cheek. The second runs down her neck like a necklace. Judging by her soaked clothes, she's been outside for a while.

Calmly I swim over to her and take the towel she hands me. 

Jameelah is the only one I talk to if you don't count Gillian and Felix. Her gift is as special as Jameelah herself. 

With the ability to fulfill everyone's deepest desire, she is as dangerous as she is wanted. Jameelah makes sure no one finds out what she can do, because then she would sign her contract as a slave without raising her hand. But she told me what she could. Glad she could share her secret with someone safe with. All I wanted was Callian, but he was dead.

Jameelah extends her sunbrown hand to me. A silver ring with strange inscriptions glitters on her middle finger.

"Still trying with that instinct thing?" I roll my eyes. 

"Still working on that big mouth of yours?" she says in the same dry tone. I chuckle. She's one of the only ones that doesn't make my head scream for me to kill her. Because she's different from the rest, and because I know that if my brother found out about her, he'd be jealous. On me.

"How was your trip?"

We walk around the pond, the grass stings under my feet.

This country used to be a beautiful place. I've seen books that showed green fields full of forget-me-nots. Even on the bare mountains, trees used to grow, from beech to oak that could grow up to five meters high. That, too, was something the Black War had ruined. The ground was too damaged by the different types of magic. Nature had been turned upside down and now refused to come back. When I concentrated I could even hear the ground crying.

"Really fantastic. I made new friends and played poker with them," I say.

That doesn't sound bad indeed.

For some reason she doesn't understand irony.

Her cheeks turn red and she pushes open my back door. The loud creak makes Gillian realize I'm back and turns to me, my book in his hand.

I hiss and fly towards it. He knows to keep his hands off my books. It's my little darlings that help me relax. Which take me to another world. Usually I react a little more calmly, with a single blow to the head for example, but today he had just chosen one that was full of...

"Really, Elysia? Do you read that kind of rubbish?"

"Leave me alone Gillian. There's nothing wrong with that book." 

"Yes, if you've been dry forever!"

Felix enters at that moment. Halfway through his stride, he stops as if petrified. My hand tightened on the towel I had wrapped around my body.

"Look what our friend is reading." Gillian waves the book, then clears his throat.

"Cornelius unbuttons his trousers – "

"Gillian." I grit my teeth. My voice is dark with anger. 

Gillian doesn't care. "Slowly his underpants slide down to reveal his long—" His eyes widen and then he splutters. He catches my eye and raises his eyebrows. "Member? Member! What's wrong with dick?"

Felix' blinks a few times and with big steps he bridges the distance between his brother. I jump over to snatch the book from his hands, but it's too late.

Felix studies the cover and then starts leafing through it. He stops somewhere in the middle of the book and his eyes follow the lines. Over his shoulder I try to see which page he's on and gasp when I see the page number. I put a piece of paper in it the night before we left because I thought it was a fascinating piece.

Three mortals who had met in a bar. Two women had set their sights on the bartender who couldn't choose between them. To convince him that they are worthy of his attention, they have to go to bed. That got so out of hand that the three of them have sex together.

And that's what Felix is reading now. I want to die.

His eyes stop and he presses his finger on a sentence. The corners of his mouth turn up a little and he beckons Gillian, who comes to his side and looks at what Felix indicates.

I give up and go to my closet to grab my clothes. Whenever I hear them snigger I feel like throwing something at their heads. I hide in the only separate room there is and push aside the brush and a bucket.

The legs of my black pants were too short and there were holes in my shoes. I'm almost in my white shirt when I remember my injuries on my back.

"Okay guys, the fun is over, I need help."

Felix looks up and closes the book. He neatly places it on my bookshelf, which is the only new one in this house. He takes bandages and a bottle of alcohol from the closet and sits behind me on the bed that creaks under his weight.

Jameelah picks up my towel and puts it in front of him. That gives me a chance to pull that stupid blindfold off her eyes.She looks at me angrily and pulls the thing back from my hands.

"I could see perfectly with this on," she counters.

I do not doubt that. She's gotten frighteningly good, like she could see through the rag. If she drops something, even a small thing, she knows where it went and can pick it up. But even though she's so good, it's more fun when I can see her eyes. "Oops, by accident." I show my teeth. 

Unimpressed, she opens her eyes and walks over to Gillian, who has taken up the book again.

Felix helps me put on my shirt and rolls up the back. His hands slide over the edge of the welts and his cold hands cool them.His left hand appears next to me and he hands me a small towel. Sweat appears on my upper lip and I glance over.

Felix's mouth drops down.

I stuff the red cloth into my mouth and lean forward to grab the headboard of my bed. The bed rocks back and forth and then out of the corner of my eye I see Felix's head rise above my shaking shoulders.

With feathery movements he pulls my right hand off the wood and straightens my fingers, which remain in spasmodic claws. He slowly slides my leather strap off my wrist and clamps it between his teeth, twisting my hair into a messy bun with his hands.

Gillian sits on the corner of the mattress.

If Felix still hasn't started, I grit my teeth. The longer he waits, the harder I start to sweat.

I've been through this so many times it almost feels normal. That the way Gillian takes my hands in his and gives them a reassuring squeeze, the way my shallow breathing comes out through my nose, is just like eating.

The first strokes of the herbal ointment on my wounds feel like a hot poker being shoved into my back. The more he does that, the louder I scream. I cry for deliverance, for help, but most of all I cry out of anger. My fingernails dig into Gillian's hands, leaving crescents there. Gillian tightens his grip as I try to pull them away. His eyes go up and look at Felix. A great fatigue overtakes me.

I shake my head resolutely and look over my shoulder again. I pull the gag out of my mouth and try to form the words through my loud panting.

"No. No." The lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow and I almost choke on those two words.

"Elysia, you c—" Felix snaps his mouth shut when I shake my head again.

I know Felix wants to help me. But I just had to go through this. As painful as it was.

Fatigue seeps out of my body and Felix turns from the waist down so he can take the bottle of alcohol from Jameelah.

I stare at Gillian. "If I scream, hit me."

He opens his eyes, but then nods. I know Gillian would. He would hold back, yes, but he would give me what I asked for. Not Felix, he was too stubborn for that. According to him, pain was not a sign of weakness. He even thought it was admirable when someone admitted when they were in pain.

To me it was only a sign of a way to reveal someone's weak spot. That's why I did it to others.

Something dangerous awakens in me. A dull throb behind my temples. A monster that craves power, the thing that gets under my skin and helps me raise my arm. To finish the job.

It's been there since I was twelve and has never gone away. It hides until it gasps for blood. Mine, or someone else's.

Gillian stuffs the cloth back into my mouth, then nods and presses his lips together. With a soft "pop" the cork pops off the bottle and I close my eyes.