Two minutes back in New York and I wanted to turn around and go straight back to California. It was so much colder than the beach. Fresh snow powdered the pavement, hydrants and light poles had a coating of slick shine from the rain turning into ice. Two weeks had not been long enough, the feeling of suffocating came on strong as soon as I stepped out of Dylan's Jeep. And I hated that feeling because Manhattan was home and it always had been.

Now it felt like the home of all that had failed in my life and the reminder was devastating.

Still, I had a few things that I needed to take care of before I could up and run. And running was beginning to sound a whole lot sweeter.

Dylan carried my bags until we came to Allie's apartment. We'd spent the last four days travelling home, holding hands, spooning in hotel beds and sharing the comfort of each other without a whole lot of words being exchanged. We'd kissed here and there. Small ones. Nothing like the kiss that we'd shared that night that he told me he'd left Charlie. Because of me.

That news had almost killed me. Hearing that our kiss had woken him up and forced him to acknowledge that what he felt for Charlie couldn't compare to what he felt for me, life changing. The exchange wasn't quite how I'd imagined it would be when I fantasised what it would be like to tell him I love him.

I used to go over it in my head, rehearsing words that I didn't believe I'd ever tell him. In some fantasies, I would show up at his apartment, he'd open the door and I would leap into his arms, telling him that I couldn't live without him knowing the truth. And of course, in my fantasy, he'd tell me he loved me too.

Or perhaps we'd be dancing on the ice in Central Park. Tivoli lights would zip line above us and as he pulled me back in from a spin, I'd clutch his shirt and tell him that I want to be the one meeting him at the end of the aisle. Then he would get down on one knee and make it official right then and there.

It hadn't been more than two months since Christmas. Since I realised that I could barely function when I thought about kissing him. But the fantasies didn't let up and it was a constant fight between embracing them or fighting them off and accepting that I was his best friend and nothing more.

But of course, the way that our subtle confession went down was not quite as glamorous as I'd hoped it would be. It was meant to be picture perfect. I wasn't meant to have tears and snot all over my face, I wasn't meant to despair over the fact that I'm not ready for him.

We walked inside and Allie was in the kitchen with Ho on the other side of the apartment. Both of them wore aprons, sweats and smiles. The smiles were the best and worst part. For just a second, I got to see their candid, unfiltered adoration for the life they'd made for themselves. Standing together in the kitchen while they cut up ingredients and giggled, it was beautiful. It was a simple sort of beautiful.

"Bea," Allie said when she noticed that I was hovering beside the door. Her gaze moved to Dylan for a moment before she looked at me again. "You're just in time for dinner. You wanna stay Dyl? Ho's making Bulgogi."

Ho looked down at Allie, his knife mid stroke, his expression disapproving. "Don't invite him to dinner when I'm cooking. He's a chef. I don't need that kind of pressure." He looked over at us and smiled. "You can stay but you have to cook."

Allie slapped him in the chest with the back of her hand.

"It's fine guys," Dylan chuckled. "I have to get going. Another night."

Allie nodded and both of them resumed their cooking. I watched them for another moment and then I turned around and looked up at the only man I could ever imagine doing that with.

We stepped out into the hall and I closed the door behind me. This was going to be hard. Harder than the first time I'd disappeared. Because now I knew that Dylan wanted me as much as I wanted him but he wasn't in the same league as Max or Jett or even Phoenix. I wasn't going into this thinking meh, we might be together in six weeks, we might not. Being careless with his heart wasn't an option here.

"Thank you," I stood in front of him, close, looking at his face, memorising it. The little scar above his eyebrow. The dimple on his left cheek when he smiles. The prominent bow on his top lip. The way that when his dark brown gaze is settled on me, it's invasive in the best way. Piercing and knowing. He knows. "Thank you for going with me."

"Of course."

"I did have a good time, most of the time."

The side of his mouth lifted. "Me too."

I inhaled a deep breath and broke eye contact before I crumbled.

"You're disappearing again, right?"

The floor started to blur, my lip trembled. He didn't say anything for a while, he let me stare at the ground so that I could gather myself. Not that it did much good, when I peered up at him and met his soft smile, it hurt more than if he'd shown disappointment.

"Dylan," I said, voice thick. "It doesn't matter where I go or how long it is before we talk again, you have my entire heart and you always will. I'll be back. I will. I just— have something I need to do. A few things."

He nodded, lips pursed, smile tight. He lifted his hand and cupped my neck so that he could hold me while he pressed a kiss against my forehead. He lingered for a moment and I clutched his shirt in my fist, inhaling the scent of him. I had no idea when I'd be this close to him again.

When he stepped back, he brushed his thumb across my cheek and smiled. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded.

"The song at the restaurant, the one you sang that night, was that to me?"

Walking around his restaurant kitchen while I cried and sang Pat Benatar was a bit of a blur but I remembered enough to nod with confirmation.

This made him smile even more. "You know where to find me, Bea. I love you."

He'd told me those words a thousand times. But they left his lips in a different tone this time and I swallowed, resisting the urge to run into his arms, kiss him and forget about the rest of the world. Forget about the trouble I'd created when I stole those ashes. Forget about Megan. Forget about finding a purpose. I could lose the world and the worries by getting lost in him. But I wouldn't stay lost. The world has a habit of catching up and not even Dylan could hold it back.

"I love you too, Dilly bear," I said, wiping at my cheek and smiling a smile that was too big to be convincing. But he turned around and walked until he disappeared around the corner and I sagged, almost collapsing.

"You can have him when you can handle getting out of bed without him," I mumbled to myself.

I knew that it wasn't healthy to put all of my happiness on his shoulders and expect him to haul it. I needed to exist outside of his existence. I needed to find me or we'd never have a chance. It was going to be easier said than done, that's all.

When I opened the apartment door, Allie and Ho were on the other side. Both of them flailed, stepped back and smiled with guilt. "We couldn't hear a thing," Ho defended. "We'd have stepped back in time if we knew that the chat was over."

It didn't bother me, so I smiled and moved past them, heading for the sofa so that I could rest. I felt exhausted, so exhausted, my entire body ached. Of course, Ho and Allie were close behind me and sat down on the other side of the L couch.

"Bea," Allie sounded worried. "How are things? Did you get to spread the ashes?"

"Yeah." A genuine smile lifted my lips as I pulled my legs up under my bum. "It was really beautiful."

"I bet," Ho said. "And what about Dylan? What's the go there?"

"You don't have to tell us about that," Allie said, lightening fast. As if. She totally wanted to know. Luckily for them, even in the midst of total despair, I had a motor mouth.

"He and Charlie broke up the morning after we kissed in New Zealand."

Gasps.

"Yeah and he sort of told me that he loves me. Not in those words. But it was there."

Louder gasps.

"And we kissed again."

Excited gasps.

"But I told him just now that I need some time. I can't see him for a bit."

"Bea!" Allie shouted and I looked at the outrage on her face. "Why do you keep doing this?! You two love each other. You know, you've basically been in a relationship this entire time. You hold hands, you cuddle, you go out to eat together. The only thing you've been missing is sex and that isn't even the most important part! You've been in a relationship with him and going elsewhere for physical needs. Just. . . be together!"

I stared at her but I didn't argue. That was a good point. But that didn't change the truth about what I needed to do.

"For the last ten years, I've had nothing except for him. I didn't care about having a job, or hobbies, or friends. I just had him and when I wasn't with him, I wasn't coping. That's— that's not right. Would you be happy if you didn't have a job? Or your mom and sister? Or your plants," I waved around at the apartment covered in flowers and greenery. "Would Ho be enough if you didn't have anything else?"

She looked at her husband and he looked at her. "It's okay," he said, holding her hand. "I love you, so much, but I'd hate it if I didn't have hobbies or regular dinner dates with my family. Hell, I even like my job."

Allie laughed and nodded. "Yeah I agree." She turned back to me. "I'm glad that you're recognising the areas of your life that need work. It's just hard watching you put yourself through all of this pain and waiting."

"Thanks," I ignored the somewhat permanent pain in my chest. Everything hurt at the moment. I just tried to remember that it wouldn't forever. "Can you help me with something, please?"

Her brows pulled. "What is it?"

"Well, before I explain, it might be worth mentioning that it might be illegal and you could possibly get into some major shit if you're caught. But it'll also keep me out of jail."

Ho stood up and circled the sofa. "I think I should pretend that I didn't hear any of that. Go get em gangster girls."

Allie peered over her shoulder, nose wrinkled with disapproval.

"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate, Allie," I said and she turned back to me with trepidation. "It's for a good cause."

She sighed and let her head fall back to stare at the ceiling and let out a breath. "Alright," she rubbed her hands across her face. "Let's hear it."

Three hours later, Allie and I took a break from our mission at hand. We were nowhere near done but she needed to sleep so that she could get up for work tomorrow and I needed to go for a walk. Walking the streets of Manhattan had been a favourite past time of mine for as long as I could remember. I hoped that hadn't changed and I was pleased to find that it still helped.

It was dark, cold, I had a thick coat, scarf, gloves and hat on as I passed stores and apartment buildings. My boots scuffed the pavement and the dark brown leather became black with drops of water. Allie lived further from Megan than I used to. But that didn't matter. It just gave me more time to think. Think about what Allie and I were doing and how I could pull it off and considering what could happen if I didn't pull it off.

After all that had happened, wasn't I deserving of one damn win.

It was almost nine so I didn't know if Megan would still be awake. Hell, she might not be home. I remembered that she'd started her new research position and research sounded like one of those jobs that might never sleep. Megan seemed like someone that would work long into the night. Passionate. 

Still, I knocked on her apartment door and winced. What was I thinking? She wasn't Dylan. I couldn't just show up and expect to be let in. Not even Allie appreciated how impulsive I could be.

The door swung open and Megan stood there in her pale blue, cloud covered robe, slippers and a pair of reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. Her blonde waves were on the top of her head and I could feel warmth radiating out of her apartment. "Hey," she smiled, it was full and so much happier than it had been last time I saw her.

"Hey," I said. "I'm sorry for showing up so late. I just got back into town this afternoon. I wanted to come and catch up."

"Come in," she stepped aside and I wandered in, unbuttoning my coat as I went. Her dining table was sort of like a picnic table, dark wood and modern, and it was covered in papers and text books. "I was just catching up on some work. I started that job last Monday. One full week down tomorrow. It's been full on. Coffee?"

"Yeah," I unwrapped my scarf, slipped off my gloves and threw everything onto the bench seat. Underneath my coat, I was wearing an oversized mustard sweater that came to my thighs and a pair of black leggings. "Milk. No sugar."

She nodded and started scooping big heaps of sugar into her own coffee. I stared.

"So how come you went out of town?" She asked.

"My mom died." She snapped her head up, mid pour of the milk. "So I stole her ashes from Kevin, road tripped to California and rested her at the beach near our old holiday home. I was gone about ten days."

"Bea. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, so, she for real died. Not Kevin's version of died."

She clutched the milk handle and cast her gaze down as she screwed the lid back on. "That must have been hard. I know how it feels to bury a parent. So, if you need anything, Bea. Anything at all, I'm here."

I smiled and sat down, carefully shifting some of work so that there was space for the coffee. There were a lot of big words on her papers. Science sounding words. I imagined her sitting here, reading it with her glasses on and understanding these enormous words because she has such a brilliant mind.

"Thanks," I exhaled and looked up as she sat beside me with two mugs of hot coffee. Hers was almost black. Mine wasn't. "So where do you stand with Kevin at the moment? I really need him not to find me. Not right now. Stealing mom's ashes was illegal and he'll be after me."

"Oh," she wrapped her thin fingers around her mug, painted with little pug faces, and shook her head. "Nope. I haven't spoken to him in weeks. There's no chance of a reconcile so don't worry. Your secret is safe with me."

I swallowed and couldn't help but peep at her stomach.

"Yes," she sighed and set her glasses down on the tabletop before rubbing her face. "I'm still pregnant. And I'll be having your baby sister in the middle of July. I'm fifteen weeks."

"It's a girl?"

She nodded and sipped on her drink. "This is decaf. Yeah I paid for one of those super sophisticated 3D ultrasounds and found out what the sex was."

We sat in silence for a minute and I processed the news. A sister. For some reason I'd been picturing a baby brother this entire time. Wow. As if Kevin wasn't disinterested enough as it was. He would be even less impressed with the news of another daughter.

"What about your job?" I asked.

"I'll keep working for as long as I can and once she's born, I can work from home while someone else steps in as a temporary head of research until I return."

I looked at the amount of work that she had after one week in her new job. It didn't seem like a run of the mill nine to five, that was for sure. But she sure was handling herself well. Or so it seemed.

"I guess it'll be hard," she shrugged. "But, it is what it is. Women do this all the time. Do it alone."

"You don't have to," I said and put a hand on hers. "I'm here. I'm totally here. That's my little sister in there and I'd love to be involved."

"Really?" She looked at me and even if she was holding herself together, I could tell that she wasn't going to oppose to some companionship.

"If you have room, I'm looking for a place? I could move in and help. Come to the appointments. Change the diapers. Warm up the bottles. Rub your feet when you're huge and can't reach them."

She giggled and her gaze watered. "Aw," she sniffed. "Are you sure? Bea that's a huge responsibility to take on. You're basically filling the spot of a father."

"I want to," I nodded, feeling a hint happier than I had been this morning. "I don't really see myself having kids, this might be the closest I get to experiencing all of that. And if it helps, even better."

She pursed her lips and pushed her palms to each cheek, exhaling a long breath as if she didn't want to cry. "When can you move in?"