Ice cold January wind whips past me while I stand on Allie's small balcony. Her apartment floor is six stories up and I watch the rushing traffic below, wrapped in a throw while I lean on the iron railing. Specks of white snow from an earlier fall begin to melt on the potted plants and the wooden bench seat.

My cheek still stings from the slap I'd received an hour ago. The harsh chill seems to emphasise the pain. Like a white hot sting. The same way you might feel the pain of a filling when biting into an ice cream. It's impossible to ignore and though the physical pain is bad, the emotional is worse.

My own father slapped me across the face. A brutal slap. One that made me stumble backward and left a large red welt. I knew that he didn't like me. I knew that we'd never have that father daughter friendship that I'd seen in other families and quietly longed for. But I never thought he would hurt me like that.

My phone buzzes for the millionth time in the last three days. With cold finger tips, I illuminate the home screen and see a message from Dylan. As well as my wallpaper. The two of us, heads together, tongues out while we stand in front of a Captain Marvel cutout at the movie theatre. We'd gone to the premier. The red carpet one where the celebs walked and took photos and watched it with the audience.

Dylan loves Brie Larson.

Bea please. I can't handle the silent treatment. I don't even know what I did. I mean, I think I know what this is about but I can't know for sure unless we talk. Please, Bea. Just a conversation. Even over the phone. I fucking miss you so much. It's killing me.

My hands tremble as I read the text over and over again. I miss him too. It's killing me as well. Dylan is the one that I wanted to go to as soon as Megan dragged me out of my apartment. He was the one that I wanted to curl up beside. I wanted to let him hug all of the pain away and stroke my hair and tell me that I'm going to be alright. That's always been his role and now I can't do that and it hurts.

He and Charlie need a fair chance. Because she's right. We have no boundaries and I'm too dependant. Not to mention the fact that I can't commit. I ruin whoever I attempt to love and I don't want to ruin Dyl. The damage that I've done so far is bad enough. But perhaps after we've had some space and I learn to stand alone, we can be friends.

When this need to let him put me back together has diminished, perhaps we can Dyl and Bea again.

I throw my phone off the edge of the balcony and watch it fall to the sidewalk below. I don't  hear it smash but I can just see the shattered fragments of black against the concrete.

There's a spring in my step when I turn around and head inside. Megan and Allie are sitting on the off white L shaped sofa, no doubt they were watching to ensure that I didn't jump off the balcony. So I stand in front of them while they clutch their coffee mugs and nod.

"I want a new life."

Allie sits forward. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah. New life. New phone. New apartment," I lean down and clutch my thick black harem pants. "Hell. Maybe even new clothes. I might even move to a new city. New name!"

"Girl, calm down," Allie stands up and grips my shoulders. Her off the shoulder sweater swallows her slim figure but it's so cute. Perhaps I should start dressing more like Allie. She's got a mature style but super hot and sophisticated. "You don't need a new life or name or city. I will agree on the phone thing since you just threw your one off the damn balcony."

"I have a plan," I shrug her off and step past Megan who pulls her legs close to the sofa so that I don't stand on her toes. She's so tall and . . . leggy. "I have to go back to the apartment and pack up while Kevin isn't there. He's no longer my father so I'll be referring to him by his first name only. I'll borrow his car and drop all of my stuff off somewhere and then I'll empty my trust fund before he closes it down."

Megan places her finished coffee down on the polished oak table and stands up.

"Don't tell him my plan," I point at her and wince when I noticed how chewed up my nail and skin is. I quickly drop my hand. "I'd like to think that my step mommy isn't opposed to keeping a secret for me."

Is this what a mental breakdown sounds like? Is that what I'm experiencing right now?

"Your dad and I are over so I don't think I'm going to be spilling the beans," she smiles and reaches for her coat which is draped across the end of the sofa. "I have a few things at the apartment that I need to collect as well. So I'll go with you. Um Alouise, do you have a bit of paper? I'll leave my cell number so you can get ahold of me."

Allie nods and heads off toward the kitchen. I watch Megan and suddenly feel a little more sobered. I'm not the only one that was hurt today. "I'm sorry about the trouble that I caused," I stand in front of her and squeeze my thumb between my fist so that I can't pick at it. "I didn't mean to ruin your relationship."

"Don't apologise," she tells me, smiling. It's a sad smile though. "The fact that your mom is still alive and he told me that she wasn't, is a major red flag and I prefer to get out as soon as those start to appear."

"Can I ask you something?"

She nods and zips her coat up.

"How long were you and Kevin together?"

"Four months," she answers with a little shrug, tucking her soft hair behind her ears. "Not a long time at all."

Four months to her was a lifetime for me. Especially when it came to relationships. I'd never had one longer than that. "What did you see in him?" I ask because I can't help it and now that they're over, it feels like the perfect time to nosy. "I mean, he's not a nice person."

"He was," she says. "He was so nice to me. He doted on me and cared and went the extra mile. He used to send flowers to me all the time and he showed a huge interest in my work and life and things that I've been through. He was so attentive and sensitive."

"I dunno who you've been dating but it ain't Kevin Blake."

She chuckles a little, ducking her head with a shading of red across her freckled cheeks. "That person that I saw today isn't the person that I was dating. I didn't even recognise him."

"I'll admit that the hitting is new. But he's not a good person, Megan. Never has been."

Her sad smile makes my heart ache just a little bit. Our break ups might have been super different, but we'd still lost someone important to us.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be," she assures me and accepts the bit of paper and pen that Allie hands her. She scribbles down her cellphone number and apartment building and tells me to let her know when I'll be going back to the apartment to collect my things. It'll either be today or tomorrow. I don't want to wait long in case Kevin does something evil and gets rid of all of my things.

When Allie returns from seeing Megan out, she collapses into the sofa beside me. "So that's the newest wicked step mother huh? She doesn't seem so wicked."

"She's not. At all," I put my feet on the coffee table and then I put them on the floor again and then I bring them up under my bum. I'm restless. "She's super nice. And smart. And it seems like she's not weak enough to put up with his shit."

Allie starts pulling her thick curls up into a bun. "Well I like her. But I'm also not sure why you're here instead of with Dylan. You know, he's your emotional crutch. I mean, I love you girl. But it's not usually my shoulder that's catching the tears."

"I'm not crying!"

"It was a figure of speech. Relax. Come on. What's going on? How was New Zealand? Did something happen?"

"Yes."

She looks and waits expectantly. "Well are you going to tell me what happened."

"I kissed Dylan."

Her brows shoot up but before she can get a word out, the front door swings open and Ho wanders in with a paper bag of groceries. He's sharp in a suit and tie and of course his winning smile. Ho is always smiling.

"Hey ladies. Bea, nice to see you. I stopped at the store and got a few snacks. Seaweed crisps, Korean waffle mates and vegetable crackers. There's some hummus and celery too."

I kneel and lean over the back of the couch. "Any cheese balls? Chocolate? Reece's pieces? Please tell me there's at least some twinkies in there."

He grins, his eyes curling upward as he pulls an entire box of twinkies out of the bag. Followed by a bar of snickers.

"How'd he know that I was here?" I ask Allie.

"I told him. I knew that he'd come back with snacks. He can't handle hosting half assed."

"So what's going on," Ho carries in a handful of items such as caramel popcorn and twinkies and cheese crackers. He sets it on the coffee table, sinks into the sofa beside Allie and rests his chin on her shoulder. "Allie said it was level ten. Urgent. A crisis."

"Ho," she gasps and gives him a light back hand slap in the chest over her shoulder. "I said that it was urgent but I didn't say that you were allowed the details. It's Bea's business."

"I kissed Dylan."

"What?!" Ho's jaw drops, the disbelief all over his face is impossible to ignore. Not just shock. But disbelief. Like he can't comprehend that I could do that. Well that made two of us. "Finally!"

Allie tries to be subtle in her warning to Ho. She no doubt assumes that I'm going to react sensitively to his comment. It wouldn't be the first time I'd gone off the deep end over a flippant remark that really meant no harm.

"So everyone seems to think that we belong together and always have?"

Allie nods and Ho answers. "You're the only one that doesn't see it."

"Well I did see it and so I kissed him and I was going to tell him how I felt and then it seemed like a really terrible idea and I backed out and came home early without telling him that I was leaving."

Even though I didn't take a breath during that entire ramble, the reason for the wind being stolen from my lungs is because saying everything out loud is a whirlwind. I hadn't quite come around to admitting it out loud. But now that I had, I felt like a mess.

Ho leans back in the sofa and opens the bag of salted caramel popcorn. Both of them are watching me like I'm live entertainment. "Why did you think it would be a bad idea to tell him, Bea?" Allie asks.

I stand up, not able to talk about this anymore. It feels like this topic is the only one that's been on my mind or on my tongue and I've had enough. "It's too complicated. Too much history and come on now, I'm not a commitment person. We just need to let it go. Let it pass and then we'll go back to being friends. That's how it should be. So uh, I don't suppose I can crash in the spare bedroom?"

Allie and Ho's apartment is a two bedroom. It's not enormous but it feels spacious and open. The floors are wooden and polished. A dark shade. The kitchen, dining area and bedrooms are all on a level up and then one step down is the living area and patio doors. The furnishings are wood and the walls are a pastel green. There are lots of little potted plants and and hanging vines. It's rustic and homely.

"Of course you can have the spare bedroom," Ho follows me as I jump the step and head towards the second door on the left. "The sheets are fresh and there are extra pillows in the cupboard. The coffee comes on at seven and we have bananas on toast at quarter past."

I stare at him while he circles the room and checks the drawers, the closet and under the bed. Who knows what for but I appreciate his attention to detail. He should have gone into the hotel business. He'd be perfect for it.

"Ho, I know your schedule. I've woken up here a million times."

He laughs. "Yeah that's right. Last time was seven weeks ago. You turned up here with no shoes on, a condom stuck to your back and a pigeon in your purse."

I'd almost forgotten about that. Almost. Allie leans on the doorframe and giggles. "That pigeon pooped all over the apartment."

"I still can't remember how I got it in my purse in the first place. Nothing. It's blank."

"I don't think we'll ever solve that one," Ho grins. It's the sort of grin that's meant to be cool and unbothered but the memory of that bird flapping around his apartment and shitting on every surface while we tried to direct it outside, will forever haunt him.

I'm just relieved that no one brings up the part of the night where I filled up the condom that was stuck to my back, with water and dropped it off the balcony, drenching someone with watered down semen. A low point in my life. I seem to be having a lot of those.

Ho left Allie and I alone, so I drop onto the bed and sigh. "Am I the only adult that we know, not being a proper adult?"

She sits beside me, gently pushes my finger out of my mouth so that I can't chew on my nail and shakes her head. "Not a chance. None of us really know what we're doing. We just do our best."

"You guys have like a morning schedule. I thought Charlie was just lame but it must be a grown up thing."

"It's a job thing, Bea," she tells me with a soft smile. "And it's okay if you need some time to put yourself together and find your feet again. But I'm telling you this as a friend and someone that loves you, I will not support laziness. Take some time, do what you need to do and then start looking for a job or a purpose. Okay?"

I nod and don't bother feeling offended over the laziness comment. That's Allie. She's a hard worker. She likes motivation and a drive to do something with meaning. I won't be here long enough to bother her with my attachment to sleep anyway. As soon as I can, I'm getting a place of my own. Or moving to the beach. I'm undecided.

No. I can't move to the beach. Mom is here. I can't leave mom.

"Also," she wraps her arm around me and scoots closer. "I think you should tell Dylan the truth. Talk to him. He loves you, Bea. And whether he loves you as more than a friend or not, he'd never want to lose you. Plus I can't stand the thought of him exchanging vows with Charlie. But that's none of my business."

"It's none of mine either."