Chapter Quote:
"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
~Laurell K. Hamilton
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Chapter 27: Remembrance

Elizabeth

Genette, Uncle Jason, and I chowed down on our pizza as we watched the final part of the documentary. To say we were obsessed was an understatement.

"The Demon Lord of the Round Table, a warrior who soared through the Belkan War, inspiring both fear and admiration," Brett said. The screen showed a fighter jet landing and disappearing into thin air. "His presence filled the skies for but a few short months before he disappeared. Apart from that, nothing is known about him. I was never able to find out what kind of person he really was. But whenever they talked about him, they always had a slight smile on their faces."

The TV faded to black, and for a moment I thought that was the end. But then Brett's voice came on one more time, saying, "That, perhaps, may be my answer."

"I wonder what he meant by he was never able to find out what kind of person you really were," Genette said, staring at the rolling credits as we all leaned back in our seats and took everything in. "I mean, he talked to Pixy and PJ. There's no way he couldn't tell how amazing you were."

"I think it's like PJ said: you think you know everything about him, but know nothing about him at all," I remarked. "Thompson didn't get to talk to Uncle Jason or any of his family, so you can't really get to know someone without talking to them directly."

"What do you think, Uncle Jason?"

"I think-" he began, glancing down at the coffee table- "someone really wants to talk to you, Elizabeth. Your phone is lighting up like crazy."

I picked up my phone and scrolled through my notifications. They were all from Nagase, Chopper, and Cassie.

Chopper: Blaze! Bristow was talking about you! You're the one who broke his records!

Nagase: You just made it into a famous documentary!

Cassie: I know someone famous :O

Smiling, I responded with: I appreciate the confidence, but for all we know, he's talking about someone else. Didn't Bailey break his records?

My phone buzzed almost immediately.

Chopper: No, it's definitely you. She broke his records, and you broke hers. I have a friend working at the academy right now, and I asked him to check before we flipped out. Definitely you!

Nagase: You actually had the info checked?

Chopper: Yeah, why?

Cassie: You usually just speak before you think. Figured it was kind of the same with this.

Chopper: I have my moments.

Cassie: Not many.

Blaze: Once in a blue moon.

Nagase: If even that.

Chopper: I never should've agreed to join a group conversation with three girls who are best friends. Worst idea ever. Where's Genette when I need him? I need another guy to back me up here.

"Who's that?" Genette asked, peering over at my screen.

"Chopper, Nagase, and Cassie. They're saying I'm the one that broke Bristow's records, the person he mentioned in the documentary."

"Are you?" Uncle Jason asked.

"Hang on, why am I not in this conversation? It's everyone in our friend group but me," Genette said, throwing his arms up.

"Aw, is someone feeling left out?" I poked him with my toe then added, "It's just a group chat for school. Somehow, we've all ended up going to Chopper whenever we have questions. Strange, considering he would come to us in high school for things."

"He would?"

"Yeah. It's not like you would know the answers if he asked you."

"Wait, is that how he always seemed to know the answers for AP Psych? Because you two were giving it to him?"

"Yeah, probably."

Genette frowned. "That little shit. He told me he found it himself."

"That's your own fault for believing him. Also, Chopper is hardly little," I said. Suddenly, the implication of my statement hit me when Genette raised his eyebrows at me. I quickly added, "I mean, he's tall and strong and- get your head out of the gutter!"

I punched him in the arm and refocused my attention on anything else but that line of conversation. Thankfully, Uncle Jason intervened, saying, "All right, all right, you two. That's enough."

Genette groaned. "I gotta go work on my paper. Oh god, I don't want to do it. I don't even know how to start it. I have all my notes, but now I'm staring at this ominous white page of death."

"White page of death?" I repeated.

"Yes. It's the first thing you see when you open up a new word document and have so many ideas to write but have no freaking idea where to start."

"Ah, yes. I am familiar with it. I've just never heard it described that way."

"I'm grabbing a beer and then going to work on it. I'll see y'all in the morning if this paper doesn't kill me first."

"Good night, Drama King!" I called out as he left. Genette flipped me off.

"I think I'm going to turn in. I didn't sleep much last night. I'll see you in the morning, Elizabeth," Uncle Jason said, getting up. He patted me on the shoulder as he walked by, perhaps as a way to silently tell me he was okay because Uncle Jason knew I was wondering about his wellbeing, but I wasn't fooled. He might be going to bed, but he definitely wasn't going to sleep.

Figuring I couldn't do anything about it right now, I went to my own room, continuing to text my friends and finish up some holiday homework we'd been assigned. It wasn't too difficult, just tedious, and I'd finished most of it the first day of break to get it out of the way. I completed the rest by eleven and tried to go to bed right after.

Sleep wouldn't come, however, and the thunderstorm outside wasn't helping matters. The sound of rain and thunder usually put me to sleep, but not tonight. Instead, I tossed and turned for over an hour before switching my lamp back on and sitting up with a frustrated sigh. I looked around the room in boredom, trying to think of a way to help me fall asleep, but no ideas came. I decided ice cream was in order because sugar was the best thing to help anyone fall asleep.

Kidding.

But as I got out of bed and moved to the door, I heard shuffling somewhere inside the house. Believing my uncle and brother to be asleep, I grabbed a brass model plane and peeked in the hallway, ready to go after the intruder. A shadow moved to the front door, quietly slipping out and sitting on the porch bench. Turning my head to look at the opposite end of the hallway, I found my uncle's door wide open, something he never did when he was in it.

Relaxing, I set the plane down and started making my way to the front door, when, on a whim, I decided to make some ice cream. Ice cream always helped me when I was upset about something, and Uncle Jason had to be after watching the documentary.

I hurriedly made heaping bowls of ice cream drizzled with a generous amount of chocolate syrup, then carried them outside. Uncle Jason snapped his head up when he heard me, concern etched on his face until he saw the desserts in my hands.

"I thought you could use some," I said, sitting down in the vacant chair. "Ice cream is my go-to sadness snack."

"Thanks," he replied, taking a bowl from me. "Did I wake you up?"

"No. I've been trying to go to sleep for a while, but it wasn't happening. What about you? You thinking about the documentary?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Not too hard. I saw your face during it." I shoveled a bite of ice cream into my mouth. "Do you think Pixy was telling the truth about Janie? Not knowing she was in PJ's plane?"

Uncle Jason nodded. "Without a doubt. I've never seen him react that way, and I've never seen him cry. He wouldn't have attacked PJ if he knew Janie was with him. He'd never hurt her."

I thought back to earlier, the question on the tip of my tongue. I desperately wanted to ask, but I was hesitant. How personal was too personal? Especially for a man who hated revealing his real emotions to anyone but himself.

Noticing my silence, Uncle Jason asked, "What's on your mind? You wanted to ask me something earlier, I could tell. I have a feeling that's what you're thinking now."

"How'd you know?"

"I'm just that good.'

"Creepy, but you're right." I sighed, hesitating again before finally gathering up the courage. "How bad did it get for you after Janie's death? You and I are so much alike, and you said it yourself that no one escapes war without losing someone. Since you and I are so similar in the way we act and handle things, I just... want to know what to expect, I guess, as horrible as that sounds. I want to know what it'll be like when it happens to me because I know it's a 'when' and not an 'if,' and I'm terrified it'll be someone I'm really close to like Chopper or Nagase or Cassie, and I can't even begin to imagine life without them right now-"

"Elizabeth. Take a breath," Uncle Jason interrupted.

"Sorry..."

"It's okay. You don't need to apologize." He stared out across the black expanse of trees and lake, only being illuminated by the lightning in the clouds. "I won't lie to you because I know you'll see right through it. If it weren't for you and Genette and your parents, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. I'm serious when I say the four of you saved me from doing anything to myself. I'd lost my best friend, I'd lost my fiancée, I'd lost my career and had to go into hiding. I had to be careful talking to any of my friends like PJ and Iris. If your mother hadn't forgiven me that night I returned to you after all that time, I really don't know if I'd be alive right now. It got that bad."

I swallowed the knot in my throat, trying to keep the tears at bay. The thought of not having my uncle here with me right now was incomprehensible. The idea of him even contemplating taking his life horrified me. I never wanted any of my family or my friends to experience such feelings of despair and hopelessness. If they ever did, I needed to make sure they knew to come to me for help. If I couldn't, I'd find them the help they needed, even if that risked the relationship I had with them. Their wellbeing was more important to me than anything else.

"Does mom know that?" I asked.

"She knows I went to a really dark place for a while. It's why I lived with you for a couple years afterward. She forced me to see a therapist, and the Ustian government paid me handsomely to attend sessions for it when they learned what I was going through. It helped, I'll admit." He let out a humorless chuckle. "You always think you're strong enough to fight the demons inside your head, and sometimes, you're really not. I learned that firsthand."

"Dealing with the demons of your past alone can be painful, and in some cases, dangerous," I said, repeating word for word what Detlef Fleisher had said earlier.

"Thankfully, I wasn't alone," Uncle Jason remarked. "Even though sometimes it felt like it, through no fault of yours or Genette's or your parents. It was the depression. I had all these people around me who loved me and wanted to see me happy, and I still felt like I had no one. If you ever experience the death of a loved one in war, keep your friends and family as close by as possible. They're the only ones who will really help you through it, even if that means them just being around you. Don't let yourself be alone too much with your thoughts. Your thoughts can destroy you as much as your enemy can."

I mixed my ice cream and chocolate syrup together slowly, mulling over his words. I didn't want to admit I was guilty of bottling things up, despite knowing full well I was. I was the type of person that didn't show when I was stressed or anxious. Whenever I felt either of those things, I'd tell myself I was fine, deal with the root of the problem, and be okay. But one day, the tactic wouldn't work. It was only a matter of time before something was too big for me to handle.

"I'm sorry if I dumped all that on you," Uncle Jason said hurriedly. "I didn't-"

I cut him off. "I asked, you answered honestly, which is how I wanted you to. I'm just... processing it. That's all... are you sure you're okay after watching the documentary, though?" I asked, changing the topic for both our sakes.

"Yeah, it's weird, though. I could walk into the restaurant Espada Two works in, and she'd have no clue who I am. I could walk into the insurance agency Anthony Palmer works at, and he'd have no idea I'm the one who shot him down. For the longest time, I only knew these people by their callsigns. Now, I can put a face to a name. I know who they are, but they don't know me."

Silence ensued as we ate more of our ice cream. I saw a flicker of anger cross my uncle's face, prompting me to ask, "You're thinking about Bristow, aren't you?"

Uncle Jason narrowed his eyes at me. "How'd you know?"

"I'm just that good," I said with a grin and causing him to laugh.

"Creepy," he remarked, "but you're right. I never knew what he looked like until now. If possible, I want to punch him even more."

"Hopefully, he never gets out a jail."

"If he does, I'll be the first one after him. I'll go after him swinging. All I can hope is he doesn't get in a plane and wreak havoc that way. Although, from what I've heard, there are some at the Osean Academy who have beat his records," Uncle Jason said, nudging me. "So, tell me, are you really the one who broke his records?"

I shrugged. "I broke some of them. Chopper confirmed it."

"How many are some?"

"All of them..." I answered, rather shyly. "It's not like I set out to break them. I was only trying to pass the hop or the practice mission, and it kind of... just happened."

"You broke all of his records?" Uncle Jason demanded incredulously.

"Yes. And a few others..."

"What other accomplishments have you been hiding from me?"

I started thinking back to the last year and a half before responding with, "I'm the only one who scored a hundred on this particular practice mission. I beat an instructor in another."

"You did what?!" he exclaimed. "Hell, Elizabeth, I was good, but I never beat a flight instructor. That man should turn in his wings right now and let you take over."

"He is retiring this year, actually." Suddenly, a realization dawned on me. "Oh, god! You don't think he's retiring because I beat him, do you? It was luck! All I did was fly an erratic flight path and get behind him and-"

"How erratic was this path, exactly?"

"I don't know. I was following my gut. I wanted to win, and I did."

"That's a hell of a gut you got there. How have you broken the other records?"

I shrugged again. "I really don't know. I guess the difference between the other kids and me is that I'm not afraid to perform non-textbook maneuvers. They follow it to a tee."

"Don't ever lose that ability. Trust your instincts. It's why I'm still here." Uncle Jason set down his ice cream bowl. "Surely, these accomplishments of yours will get you special recognition, right?"

"Well, there are some programs that I'm dying to be a part of."

"Like?"

"Two in particular. One is training at Heierlark for a month. It's strictly flight instructions, and it's where the best of the best students go to train. The other is a week at Sand Island. It's the dream base for everyone because it's usually the first to see action. We'd train for a week with a real squadron. There's a captain there- Captain Bartlett- who comes every year to pick a few of us out. Only sophomores and higher can join, but sophomores rarely get chosen. Chopper did as a sophomore, and he's trying to get in again. Nagase and I plan on it too. Only eight kids get to go a year. It's highly competitive."

"I bet you anything, you've already got a place. A kid who beat an instructor? Trust me, that's your ticket in, now and in the future."

"I hope I have what it takes. Nagase, Chopper, Cassie, and I all want to be stationed there. You have to be top of your class, and for the most part, I am. I could have better endurance, but I never was good at that."

"Neither was I, don't worry." My uncle studied me carefully. "Something else is on your mind. What is it?"

I sighed, knowing it was futile to hide anything from him. "Do you think Bristow is right? About there being a war soon?

"Are you worried there will be?"

"No soldier escapes war when they're in the military. I'm expecting to fight in a war. I literally signed up for it, but Bristow isn't the first to mention it. Nagase did too, and she pointed out Osea seems to get embroiled in wars every ten to fifteen years. We've hit the ten-year mark."

"What does that gut of yours tell you?"

I stared out at the rain and lightning, biting my lip. "It tells me it'll be relatively soon after I graduate. Probably 2009 or 2010."

"All you can do is prepare yourself, Elizabeth, and trust in yourself that you can handle it. Hearing your feats at school, I have no doubt you'll succeed in the war, whenever it happens. I believe in you."

I smiled, grateful to have his confidence because god knows I didn't have any of my own. It's hard to see yourself as anything but what you are sometimes, and at the moment, all I could see was a rookie fighter pilot desperately trying to live up to her own impossible standards. Now, knowing my uncles was the Demon Lord, of all people, those standards went even higher.

"It's nerve-wracking, at first," Uncle Jason said, seeing through my façade. "Being a leader. Realizing you have the lives of others in your hands is a heavy weight. You've always been good with people, though. They respect you, even when they don't agree with you. When they make you captain one day, you'll do great. I promise you."

"I have a while before that happens, at least. I can learn a lot before then," I mused. "It's not like I'm going to be a captain in the first few years."

"Who knows? Stranger things have happened. And hey, if they think that asshole Bristow is good enough to promote to captain at twenty-five, then you're definitely in the running. I bet you'll beat that record too."

I snorted. "Yeah, and I'll become a legendary fighter pilot like you and Bryn."

"Bryn?"

"She reached out to me a little while ago via email. Bryn wanted to talk on the phone and wouldn't explain anything over the computer. So she called the day before I came here, and we ended up talking for about four hours. The only reason we didn't talk longer was that she had to leave for a briefing."

"What'd she want to talk about?"

"I think she needed a friend or a family member. She lost her two best friends in the Continental War, and I could tell she just needed to talk to someone. Believe it or not, she was mentioned in the documentary. Even appeared in it."

I could see the gears turning in my uncle's head as he systematically went through the entire documentary, searching for her mention. His eyes lit up when it clicked. "Mobius One! That's Bryn?"

"Bingo. She's Mobius One. So now, I have to live up to the expectations of not one legendary pilot, but two. I'm screwed."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You've already outdone me in school if you think about it."

"School and life are two very different things, though."

"You're way too young to be this pessimistic."

"It works for me. I'm either always right or pleasantly surprised. It's a win-win."

"Fine, I'll let you have that one," Uncle Jason said with a laugh. He glanced at his phone. "What do you say we turn in for the night? It's almost two in the morning."

"Yeah, probably," I agreed. We stood up and grabbed our bowls, slipping quietly back into the house. We dropped the dishes off in the kitchen and headed to our rooms. Stopping outside of mine, I hugged my uncle and said, "Thank you for talking to me. And I'm sorry about everything you went through."

"You can come to me any time. I don't want you going through what I did, and if you ever do, I want you to come to me, okay?"

I nodded. "I will. I love you, Uncle Jason."

"I love you too, Elizabeth. Get some sleep."

Pulling away, I started entering my room when, suddenly, three loud knocks sounded from the front door. Uncle Jason and I shared a concerned look. Who the hell was banging at his door at two in the morning?