ACT I

{The Company enters and takes their places on stage. The Bishops are seated together. Nico and Jenna are seated together. Joshua and Tyler are not.}

{Brendon is the last to enter; he walks in and surveys the scene. The Company is attentive.}

Brendon
A'ight?

Company
A'ight!

Brendon
{to the audience}
A'ight?

Audience
A'ight!

Brendon
A'ight!!!

{And thus, our story begins. The Band plays.}

~

Brendon
Mmm...

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
Mmhm...

Chorus
Mmhm...

Brendon
Chugga chugga chugga chugga
Chugga chugga chugga chugga

Brendon & Chorus
Chugga chugga chugga chugga
Chugga chugga chugga chugga

Brendon
Once upon a time, there was a railroad line

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
Don't ask where, brother, don't ask when

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
It was the road to Hell, it was hard times

Chorus
Mmm, mmm...

Brendon
It was a world of gods...

...and men!

{The Chorus begins to dance, clapping to the beat of the music.}

Brendon
It's an old song...

Chorus
It's an old song!

Brendon
It's an old tale from way back when
It's an old song...

Chorus
It's an old song!

Brendon
And we're gonna sing it again

Gods and men, a'ight?
We got some gods in the house tonight!

See, on the road to Hell, there was a railroad line

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
And they always singin'
in the back of your mind
Everybody, meet the Bishops!

Chorus
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

{Applause, The Bishops step forward and bow.}

Brendon
And on the road to Hell, there was a railroad line

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
And a lady steppin' off a train

Chorus
Mmm, hmm...

Brendon
With a suitcase full of summertime
Jenna Black, by name!

Chorus
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

{Applause, Jenna bows.}

Brendon
And if you ride that train

Chorus
(Ride that train)

Brendon
If you ride that train

Chorus
(Ride that train)

Brendon
If you ride that train to the end of the line

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
Where the sun don't shine and it's always shady

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
It's there you'll find the king of the mine
Almighty Master Nico!

Chorus
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

{Applause, Master Nico bows.}

Brendon
We got any other gods?
Oh, right, almost forgot...

On the road to Hell, there was a railroad station

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
And a man with feathers on his feet

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
Who could help you to your final destination,
Mr. Brendon Urie, that's me!

Chorus
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

{Applause, Brendon bows.}

Brendon
See, someone's got to tell the tale
Whether or not it turns out well
Maybe it will turn out this time
On the road to Hell
On the railroad line
It's a sad song...

Chorus
It's a sad song!

Brendon
It's a sad tale, it's a tragedy
It's a sad song...

Chorus
It's a sad song!

Brendon
We're gonna sing it anyway

Now, not everyone gets to be a god,
And don't forget that times are hard,
Hard times in the world of men,
Let me introduce you to a few of them.
You can tip your hats and your wallets,
Brothers and sisters, boys and girls,
To the hardest-working Chorus,
In the gods' almighty world!

{Applause, The Chorus bows.}

And workin' just as hard for you
Let's see what this crew can do!

{Brendon signals The Band. The Chorus dances and cheers as The Band plays.}

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

{The Chorus applauds. Tyler exits. Brendon demands everyone's attention back to him.}

A'ight! A'ight! A'ight!

On the road to Hell, there was a railroad line

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
And a poor boy workin' on a song

{Joshua plays his lyre (guitar).}

Joshua
La la la la la la...

Brendon
His mama was a friend of mine
And this boy was a muse's son
On the road to Hell on the road to Hell

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
You might say the boy was touched...

Joshua
La la la la la la...

Brendon
Cause he was touched by the gods themselves!
Give it up for Joshua Dun!

Chorus
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

{Applause, Joshua misses the cue.}

Brendon
Joshua Dun!

{Joshua bows.}

There was one more soul on this road
Boy, come on in from the cold!

{Tyler enters. He is wearing a coat and carries a bag.}

On the railroad line on the road to Hell

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
There was a young boy looking for something to eat!

Chorus
Mmm...

Brendon
And brother, thus begins the tale
Of Joshua Dun and Tyler Joseph!

Chorus
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

{Applause. Joshua and Tyler bow.}

Brendon
It's a love song...

Chorus
It's a love song!

Brendon
It's a tale of a love from long ago
It's a sad song...

Chorus
It's a sad song!

Brendon
But we're gonna sing it even so
It's an old song...

Chorus
It's an old song!

Brendon
It's an old tale from way back when
And we're gonna sing

Brendon & Chorus
We're gonna sing
We're gonna sing it again!

Brendon
Again!
Again!

{Brendon addresses the audience, and, perhaps, the other characters themselves.}