it's half past midnight when dan enters their. . .phil's bedroom, the bed unmade, the closet open and half empty and a picture frame shattered onto the carpet. he sighs and takes a deep breath, walking outside and grabbing a dustpan and a broom, before making his way back, only to find phil already inside and in the middle of changing his clothes. oh god. dan's fingers grip the dustpan a little tighter, his already bitten lower lip easing back between his teeth and a bruising blush rising from the base of his neck and sitting high on his cheeks.

he knows he shouldn't be watching, especially after things are so terrible between them, but this is phil, and he is dan, and even if things weren't terrible between them, he would still watch phil as he is watching him right now-with an unconscious desperation and an inexplicable gaze of love. he looks away before phil can notice, slowly backing out of the room but to his luck-or lack of-phil turns around just that second and dan's eyes widen in surprise, the blush on his cheeks darkening from embarrassment.

"i-i'm sorry i didn't mean to," dan stammers nervously and phil only sighs in response before eyeing the objects in his hands.

"what are you going to do with those?" phil asks instead, not making eye contact as he speaks and dan just bites his lip before answering.

"the-um-the frame-i-" dan can't speak; he's constantly jittery and nervous and scared. he just doesn't want to lose phil.

"calm down," phil's tone is soft, reassuring, mending dan's heart and breaking it all at once. "why are you so anxious?"

"maybe because you are divorcing me and i can't imagine living without you and-" dan slaps a hand over his own mouth, gulping as phil looks at him with an emotionless gaze for a moment before he looks away completely, the objects in dan's hands falling to the floor with a soft thud.

"i'm sorry," phil chokes all of a sudden, his voice strained as he keeps his trained on the floor, and dan's hands slip from his mouth in confusion as he stares at phil. why was phil apologizing?

"why are you-" dan begins but phil interrupts him with an almost inaudible sob, and settles himself onto the edge of the bed, his face buried in his palms and back facing dan. dan stands at the threshold in confusion for a few seconds before he drags his feet heavily across the bedroom and towards phil's shaking figure, hesitantly sitting next to him.

"if i-you don't love me anymore do you? i'm such a piece of shit, i probably never treated you right and i didn't make you feel loved enough-" phil chokes pathetically, and if dan thought he was heartbroken minutes ago he was wrong, because this, the way he has made phil question himself and his love and made phil this broken man in front of him, this is what breaks his heart in the worst way possible. his throat stings because the lump has grown so impossible large, and there is this never ending pain rooting from the center of his chest and infecting every fibre within him and his fingers are shaking yet again and he can barely breathe.

he hates himself.

"and i was never a good husband or a father i'm so sorry that you had to do this dan i never-"

"no!" dan yells all of a sudden, tears streaking down his cheeks as he struggles to speak. "no, no, no it was never your fault-"

"but-"

"no phil!" dan pushes against phil's arm harshly, angry at the mere fact that phil was questioning himself, blaming himself for what dan had done out of stupidity. "i will not sit here and listen to you talk bad about yourself because you're not at fault here! i'm a fucking terrible person and this is all because my stupid fucking job and my stupid fucking friends and i-"

"dan,"

"i just don't deserve you," dan hates himself for making this about him again. he hates himself for making phil feel this way. he hates that they are married and he hates that phil is suffering and he hates that phil ever loved him. he hates that they adopted a child and he hates that he made chris his friend and he hates his stupid fucking job and he hates the fact that phil rescued him from his shitty house. he deserved that. he deserved all of it and he just hates himself.

his ears fill with his own thoughts and his heart is beating so fast but so slow at the same time. his breathing is rushed and minimal and he just gets off the bed and makes his way out of the bedroom, his feet taking uncoordinated steps one after the other until he reaches the main door and slips his feet in his shoes, walking outside and stumbling down the stairs of the apartment.

he just doesn't deserve phil.

--

ok so i was supposed to update everything today bc its my boy daniel's hbd but like my phone fucking crashed and won't work and i just typed out this shitty update on my laptop and i can't really write on laptops im just

i promise i'll update everything else once my phone starts working again sorry sorry sorry

also thanks for voting on snapchat for the best phanfiction and rickyblitzz for the best fan account category inthe fanfiction awards i love you guys

also??? apparently there is like unlimited voting until july so . . . i think u know what to do ;) pls go and make me proud ily