When I entered the gates of my home, a breathless Myra hailed me with, "There you are. I have been looking all over for you. Alian has asked that everyone join him in the inner courtyard. He has news for us."

I could tell by the conspiratorial tone in Myra's voice that she knew what Alian planned to tell us and assumed that I knew too. Wondering what the news could possibly be, I followed Myra inside, careful not to let my bewilderment show on my face.

"Ah, there you are," Alian said as we entered the courtyard where the staff, and members of what had become family, were gathered. Only the boarders were absent.

As he began to talk, my heart ached for him and then it broke completely. He told us that a messenger had come from his farm. A fire had swept through, destroying his barns. Most of the animals had been saved, as had his personal abode. The home of his caretaker had not been spared.
"I will be returning to my farm," he concluded. "I have asked Sallu and Myra to take over my quarters here. Sallu will take on my duties as protector and steward of the business."

"When did this happen?" I blurted. "Why did I not hear the commotion?"

"It was yesterday right after you and Naomi came back in from the street," Myra said. "I thought you told her when you went in search of her," she continued, now obviously addressing Alian.

"No," Alian said. "I went to make sure she was okay. I did not want the terror to overtake her while she was alone. She assured me that she was capable of handling her fear without my help. I did not mention leaving. I did not want to divulge my plans to anyone before I spoke to you and Sallu and knew you were willing to stay."

But I knew that he spoke only a partial truth. He had wanted to tell me. He may have even planned to tell me after talking to the couple. My insistence that I no longer needed him had driven him away.

"So is this a permanent move?" I asked.

"I will be back now and again, like I was before you bought this house; but, yes, the move will be permanent. Now that Sallu is here to provide a masculine presence, I am free to return to my farm and my business. Of course, I will return for the wedding."

"Are you sure this is what you truly want?" Myra asked. "We are glad to help out while you see to your farm, but if you want to come back, the room is always yours."

"I am sure," Alian said firmly.

At this Naomi loudly cleared her throat. I automatically turned my face toward the sound, thinking she was about to say something, hoping that she might tell Alian that he was moving too quickly and should leave his options open. Evidently, the others were also looking at her expectantly because she said placidly, "I was not intending to speak. I just had something caught in my throat."

Just that quickly, Alian was gone from my life. He had packed the night before. After he told the gathered household of his plans, he said a brief individual farewell to each of us. When my turn came, he said simply, "You have come a long way, Salome. Yahweh will take you even further if you only trust."

I could not believe he was leaving. I had not even had a chance to tell him about the encounter with Rachel. He did not know how Yahweh had answered my cry for help. There was so much about my pilgrimage that I had not shared. I wanted him to know I had forgiven Yahweh. In fact, after I admitted my anger at Yahweh, I realized that I had been willing to accept death but thought that if granted life, the only consequence of my actions would be banishment to Hebron. I had been angry at God for granting life, but a different life than I had envisioned. When I accepted that my beating and subsequent blindness was a consequence of my own actions and not the punishment of an angry God, I felt shame for thinking that He had betrayed me in some way. But I could tell none of this to Alian.

Reminding myself that Alian's absence was exactly what I had meant to orchestrate did not help. The image of Alian telling me he would deeply mourn my death had scared me. I had acted out of fear. I was afraid that my love would somehow condemn him as it had condemned my mother and Samson. When Yahweh allowed me to access the knowledge of my love for Alian that had been held tightly in my heart, I determined to set Alian free. Now that I had succeeded, I mourned the loss of my friend.

I tried to put on a happy face for the rest of the household. I told Myra and Naomi of my encounter with Rachel. I praised Yahweh for this act of mercy. Later, I successfully accompanied them to the market. While I felt mild apprehension, my panic was gone. Thus, I was able to assist Naomi in selecting the things we would need for a wedding, and she was able to help me choose a suitable bride gift for Myra.

For a couple of weeks I convinced myself that I had successfully hidden the pain I felt at Alian's ability to move his life in another direction so quickly. Although my plan had been to set him free, I had not expected such an abrupt change. I thought I had time to distance Alian gradually from my life. Secretly, I had nursed the idea that Yahweh might intend something different for us, that perhaps He would somehow restore our friendship to the pre-revelation level.

Then one afternoon as we rested in the heat, Naomi joined me on my roof. I sensed that she wanted to talk to me alone. I presumed it was some surprise for the fast approaching wedding. We lay companionably for a few minutes. Finally, Naomi spoke.

"Why did you drive him away if he was going to take your joy with him?" she asked.

"What do you mean drive him away?" I hedged. "He went where he was needed."

"Yes, there was a crisis, but it did not require a permanent change in his lifestyle."

"How does that point to my driving him away?" I questioned again, using a query to avoid answering Naomi's inquiry.

"Ah, Salome. I am old, but I remember well the feelings of blossoming love. The way Alian looked at you with delight in his eyes, his tender concern for you, and the desire to be in your presence and share his heart with you, those are all signs of his growing love for you. You exhibited some of the same symptoms. You may not have been able to show love in your eyes, but the bliss on your face when you heard his voice, or even his approaching footsteps, was touching. You found enjoyment in telling him about your accomplishments. The laughter you shared when the rest of us were clueless showed an understanding on a deep level. He would not have left if you had given him a reason to stay. When he went in search of you after the servant came from his farm, I was sure he planned to discuss his options with you and receive your advice. When he announced that he was returning to his farm permanently, I assumed you had spurned his love. So why are you so miserable?"

"Perhaps you misread the signs," I said with a sigh. "Alian has never spoken of love to me. I have never uttered endearments to him."

"So you deny that you loved him?" Naomi asked bluntly, never one to skirt an issue.

I considered lying to her, but knew it would do no good.

"No," I said. "I do not deny that I had feelings for Alian, but they were unrequited."

This time I did lie, but excused the falsehood in my mind with the defense that Alian had never spoken anything close to love to me – at least not when I was conscious.

"And you asked him if he loved you?" Naomi pressed.

"Of course not!"

"Then what happened that afternoon on the roof?"

  "I told him that he had shown me that I had the strength to conquer my fear and that he needed to allow me to do it," I answered defensively.

"So you basically told him you did not need him anymore."

"I suppose he could have interpreted it that way."

"Is that the conclusion you meant for him to reach?"

"Perhaps."

"Why?"

"Because my love is poison," I admitted sadly. "And because I would not have him commit himself to a woman who could never give him an heir."

"Salome, it was not your love that killed your mother or Samson. They would have died similarly whether you loved them or not. Your mother was sick. Samson was in rebellion against the Almighty God. Neither was your doing. Also, an heir is not everything. Did I not teach you that with my story?"

"For you and your beloved husband, but few men are that noble."

"You did not give Alian a chance to be noble."

"What if I had and he later regretted his choice?"

"To love is to risk, Salome. Vulnerability comes with love. You can embrace it, believing in its nobility; or you can reject it, protecting your heart but forfeiting the joy of living."

"Then I guess my life will be safe and without wonder, Naomi. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it," I concluded.

"The first choice is rarely irrevocable," she reminded. 

I feared she was wrong this time. Alian had not come back to visit once since he left. Preparations for the wedding were almost complete. The night of feasting was upon us, and still we had heard nothing from him.