Song - To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra

^Lil full-circle moment with this song, please listen and repeat as much as you can - and comment!!!!!

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Damon's P.O.V

My eyes focus themselves on Will's and I's clasped hands. Hopelessly studying the tight grip I couldn't bring myself to relax, not when everything hurt this much.

Goddess, it hurt.

Being here again when things were so clearly shattered hurt more than I'd allowed myself to believe it could. The things I'd felt and pushed down since I left were at the surface once more mixing themselves with Josey's words to create an ugly picture I wanted to escape from.

Yet I knew I couldn't just ignore it, run from it... we'd tried that.

I had to face it and just the thought of doing that terrified me.

But Will was there. Calming me and centering me with the stable beat of his heart while the pad of his thumb swiped across my skin with the softest touch.

The gentle caress alongside his unwavering presence doing more for me than I think he would ever understand.

It let me take a breath in this suffocating space of unsaid truths and misplaced discomfort. This space a place I once thought to be devoid of such things.

I never imagined it'd be so hard to be around them, my own parents.

Sharing myself with them, my thoughts and emotions, that was always hard, but being near them never made me feel like this.

Terrified.

I was terrified. Scared to start this conversation, the one I knew needed to happen, because in the end... I knew it'd break them.

Break them more than they already seemed to be and I didn't want to be, couldn't be, their finishing hand...

"I didn't think you'd care all that much." I start honestly as I let my eyes settle on the center of the table. "When I left, I didn't think any of you would really care that I was gone. H-Honestly, a part of me thought you'd be relieved."

I glance up at dad and force myself to take in the clear heartbreak those words caused, but no matter how much it hurt to hear or admit, it was the truth.

I watch with a tearing soul as the electric blue eyes he'd given me fill quickly as he looked at me with trembling lips.

After a moment, he nods slightly in understanding as he takes in a breath. His grip on Pops hand, tightening to the point where his knuckles paled but he just nodded again.

I look to Pops next, the look in his eyes making Theo howl with sadness as my chest tightened around itself.

The sight of the shattered man who sat behind his black eyes that held mine, swiftly making it so much harder to carry on, to just breathe.

The tightness only growing stronger as I watch a lone tear escapes the corner of his eyes, forcing me to witness the moment the weight of my words sunk in.

My eyes fall back to Will's and I's hands, now desperate to find my anchor as a fresh tidal wave of emotions threatened to capsize me. The clear pain in their eyes burning its way into me as their waves of agony bombarded me from all sides.

I forced myself to focus on Will's stabling touch, force myself to remember that he was here, ready to carry me on through this and after it. He'd be there, with me through it all.

I wasn't alone.

"I know you guys love me, but these last few years... I didn't really feel loved." I continue as I pull my eyes back up to them. "It seemed like every day, there was always something wrong with me that wasn't wrong with anyone else. Everything I did was a problem. Even before you started trying to fix me, you saw the bad parts and nothing else."

"That's not true Damon," Dad replies shaking his head despite the rush of tears coating his face.

"It is," I reply sadly, my chest filling with grief as his eyes filled with misery. "It is," I repeat gently. "But it wasn't all your fault, I didn't help things. I know I wasn't an easy kid to deal with, I've always been more of an issue than anything else. I didn't want to listen, I didn't even try to and I know that must've made things hard for you with time. So I understand why I see now why it would be hard to keep trying with me."

Dad raises a palm up to his mouth, his shoulders caving in as he sobbed into his hand. The sound ripping me apart from the inside as I watch him break apart before me, his other hand now latched to Pops for support.

"I didn't make things any easier as I got older," I admit, hoping he'd hear the truth in my words. "I stopped talking to you guys how I used to, stopped letting you in and started pushing you away. There weren't many attempts to help, but I cut off the ones that came."

That was the truth in it all that I could see now, the faults in my own decisions and the imperfections in them I'd denied for all too long.

An unfamiliar stillness settles itself over the three of us, the only sound to be found were dad's softening sobs and pops sniffs as he tried to brush away the onslaught of tears that were escaping from him.

I stare helplessly at the picture the two of them made, one I'd never thought possible. My parents were always so strong, ready to face anything and anyone head on and together.

A package that filled in the faults in the other if they were to be found, they were unstoppable and perfection if the word could ever be personified.

That was the image I'd crafted of them my entire life.

But now, sitting across from them in our dining room, I saw for the first time that they were just people.

They may be my inspirations in life, my real-life superheroes but they were still just people who made mistakes and felt the same things I felt.

They weren't void of all the bad things, those things haunted them too... just as they did me.

"From my earliest memory, I-I was told that I'd be alpha and I'd be better than any that came before me." I voice with a weak smile, their familiar words echoing within me. "It was what you said I was m-meant to do and I couldn't have been happier because it was all I ever wanted to do.

I-It felt like a dream in the begging, t-to know that everything I w-wanted to do and be was waiting for me. I-If I just listened and did what I w-was supposed to then it'd be mine and then I'd be like you guys... that w-was a dream for me.

S-So I listened." I say with a helpless shrug as a sob pulled from me. "I listened... I trained and I-I learned, read all the books I was supposed to and more and I practiced and practiced until I was the best. And you guys would be so proud of me."

My eyes drift slowly between the two of them, the blurred image blocking me from the full site that would've made me stop. I swipe at the escaping tears as I look at them.

"You would lift m-me up and hug me so tight it hurt, t-then you'd say how y-you couldn't imagine being any prouder..." I remind, hating the way the memories made the present hurt all the more. "A-And Goddess knows nothing made me h-happier than knowing that I was doing it right, d-doing it the way you wanted me to.

A-And then I wasn't. S-Something changed w-with you guys and the p-pack, b-but I couldn't change with it. Y-You wouldn't get e-excited with everything I-I'd done, things that w-were good were just bad and I-I was wrong... I-I wasn't your Damon anymore... I was a D-Demon in my o-own h-home...

...a-and that hurt, i-it hurt a lot..."

I release an unsteady breath, my entire body relaxing at the admission I'd kept inside for as long as I could remember. The only thing that kept me from drowning under my own words was Will's unwavering grip on my hand, a silent demonstration that he still had me.

"Y-You just left me alone w-with everything you g-gave me and said it was b-bad. T-The things I did w-were all wrong, every single thing w-was bad.

T-The knives you helped m-me pick made y-you uncomfortable, t-the wolf y-you trained m-me to be was d-dangerous and v-violent a-and I-I couldn't e-even understand w-why..... b-because y-you were a-already pointing a finger at me and I-I..I... c-couldn't f-figure out w-what I-I did t-that m-made y-you all turn on me."

"Damon," Dad chokes out through his sobs, his mouth open with explanations or apologizes, I wasn't sure which but he couldn't get either out.

"I'm n-not just violent o-or heartless. I c-care more for t-this pack than you t-think I do, I-I care a lot more than you ever gave m-me the chance to. I-It was never as easy as you made it seem to be, i-it wasn't just a s-switch I could j-just turn off when i-it wasn't 'okay' anymore."

I could feel my words becoming more clipped as a fit of dormant anger quickly rushed upwards before settling just below my skin in wait.

The need to explain beginning to a useless need to blame I couldn't push away, the sorrow pumping its way through my vein quickly reforming itself into enmity.

"You taught me t-to use violence, t-that it was the best way to make sure you were the strongest." I remind, my eyes now pinning itself to Pops. "Y-You said that it was the o-only way to stay on top, that i-it was the only way t-to make sure you didn't get hurt and everyone w-we cared about. T-That's what you told me so I used it, u-used the violence in everything I did so I could be the strongest i-in everything.

I used it for everything, especially f-for dealing with anything that hurt." I admit, forcing myself to continue despite the torment my words fomented. "I-I didn't see it at first s-so I know y-you couldn't either, b-but it's h-how I f-faced anything that u-upset me... i-it was the only way I knew how t-to deal with it... all of it..."

I look away from them, needing to lay eyes on the one person who helped me find a different way. The one who helped me crawl from the abyss I'd grown too comfortable in, the one who stood up to the parts of me I never could and helped me fight them away.

The one who saw the rest of me when nobody else could.

Will's wide, green eyes were glossy as they held mine, now soft with me as held me in his gaze. His smaller hand clenched onto mine as he watched me with eyes that shone with a love I needed to breathe, the love that gave me the strength to carry on.

I let my eyes pull from Will and back to my parents, the sparkling of anger that had flared to life now extinguished just as quickly as it had reared its ugly head.

"W-When you g-gave me a chance, t-told me if I-I listened i-it'd make things better... I hated it but I said y-yes because I-I thought m-maybe if I-I did, things w-would go back to how they used to be..." I explain as I shake my head. "So I-I did everything y-you said to do for a-an entire year. I-I hated that you wanted m-me to be something I-I wasn't and I-I hated that y-you k-kept trying to f-fix me when that w-wasn't what I needed. I-I needed you, needed you t-to j-just see me h-how you u-used to...

B-But even then, even when I did what y-you told me too... it still wasn't enough." I say with accusation in my tone I couldn't silence if I tried. "I-It still wasn't enough and I-I couldn't take being h-here anymore, because j-just looking at y-you and seeing t-the disgust in y-your eyes h-hurt me more t-than y-you denying m-me alpha ever could."

My words fade off as my thoughts began to blur amongst all the anguish, the task of sharing it all with them quickly becoming an impossible task. What I hadn't realized was that by telling them about all the ways they'd hurt me meant admitting that they did and facing the pain that I'd buried under the anger.

But I hadn't prepared myself for that, hadn't anticipated this part of things and as an effect, I wasn't ready for just how much it ached to have to feel all of it.

I was not ready to see the misery that clogged my lungs for years or deal with the parts of it that remained.

So I just sat there, sobbing into myself as everything came rushing in with a strength I had no hopes of stopping. My throat burning at my cries, the sound a mangled one I had trouble recognizing as my own.

But it was me, it was me falling apart when I thought I'd just fixed myself.

I wasn't sure how or when it happened, but there were arms around me, warmth holding me from both sides as the familiar scents of pine trees and lemon wrapped around me in a protective hold. Their racing hearts thumping against my skin as they held me with a tight grip, trying to hold me together with an embrace I ached for.

"We're sorry." Dad sobs into my ear, his body shaking against mine as his sobs rallied beneath my own. "W-We are s-so sorry Damon. Goddess, I-I'm so sorry pup. I-I'm s-sorry."

The apologies didn't stop as dad hangs onto me, his hold on me almost as strong as the clutch I had on him and his mate. The feeling of their arms around me steering awake the memories of happier times I didn't allow myself to revisit, only making the pain that much worse.

"I-I d-didn't want to l-leave," I promise, hoping they knew I didn't mean to hurt the family the way that my absence had. "I-I just c-couldn't s-stay."

"Shhh." Dad coos as he runs a soothing hand through my hair. "D-Don't apologize, don't a-apologize, please."

"I-I'm sorry." I manage through a helpless sob, some part of me having to say it even when I didn't know why. "I'm s-so sorry."

"Y-You don't h-have to apologize." Dad insists with a sniff. "W-We understand w-why, so stop saying sorry."

I let my teeth sink into my lips, wanting to bring myself back together in the false state of security which hurt much less than being in the open did. My emotions now a whirlwind I had no hopes of controlling as the now shattered foundation of my entire life blended itself with everything I didn't want to have to feel.

A piece of me yearned for Will's arms around me instead, to be with Will in the space we'd made our safe place instead of with the ones who caused so much pain even with all the joy. But I needed this, needed to be with my parents at this moment.

I knew he was close, could feel him still here even without him touching me, I could feel him nearby waiting for when I'd need him again.

We stayed like that, wrapped up in one another, for such a long time that as time passed by it thrummed into a single thing I was separate from.

The sobs eventually quietening themselves to silent tears that soaked its way through layers of clothes, the apologies growing snuffed out to ones I couldn't hear but felt.

Settling slowly under the harsh sting of our new reality, we silently found comfort amongst each other, each too raw and open to be left alone.

"I'm sorry," Pops says making everything inside of me crumble at his feet within an instant.

His tortured tone delivering the two words the same way they had five months ago when I stood in front of him and cast him down in the way he'd done to me. The two words full of regret and shame as they had been when he uttered them through sobs at my door.

I shut my eyes, trying to block it out. I squeeze them tight, trying to let it go.

I shake my head slightly, not sure if to tell him to stop or in a plead for it to stop.

"Damon," He manages on a rush of air, his voice shaking as he held me with more strength than I could find in me to face him. "I'm sorry that I let you down."

"N-No," I beg as I brush away the tears frantically. "Don't say that, p-please don't say that."

"I did." He protests with dipping eyebrows as he pulled himself back just enough to look straight at me but I still couldn't meet his gaze. "You needed me. You've needed me for a l-long time and I-I haven't been here for you... I-I let you down... I let you down a-as your father."

I continue to shake my head, trying to cast away his words even when I knew them to be true. I didn't want them to be, didn't want them to mean what they did because it only helped to further trample on the image of him I'd held close to my heart my entire life.

I didn't want to believe it, even with all of it right in front of me.

"Damon," He tries but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"I-I..." My words fall short as I choke on them, hating what he was saying, implying about himself.

"I f-failed you," He breathes just as my eyes finally open to look at him. "W-We failed you Damon and I w-will never be able t-to apologize to you enough t-times to e-ever make it forgivable. B-But I'm h-hoping that you'll give m-me a chance, t-to explain t-things to you and t-to make it better. I-I know there's s-still so much t-to talk about, to try and fix t-things between us, a-all of us, I-I'm praying you'll l-let us try a-again."

I stare into his red-rimmed eyes, now carrying an ocean's worth of tears that were breaching the edges of his dark eyes, the soft golden shimmer I seldom saw making an appearance.

The pleas were almost audible as he looked at me, the usual sovereignty he held within him subsiding as he gave me room to come to him if I wanted to.

It was up to me and there wasn't any hesitation inside of me when it came to making that decision.

I nod, no longer able to get a single word out, I nod.

Letting him know I wanted to try, wanted to find my way back to him, my family and my pack, wanted to connect the person I was with them with the one I liked to be when I was with my mate.

The relief that flooded his gaze was impossible to deny. His entire body relaxed instantly as his muscles gave way, releasing the tension that had inhabited him.

The stiff figure I'd witnessed since returning melting with the simple motion as tears filled his eyes once more and he pulled me back into another solid hug that held me up as much as it did him.

I hug him back, hug both of my parents back, as I soak in the irreplaceable feeling of home and love.

A love I prayed I wouldn't ever have to lose again...

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...I feel broken....

Thoughts??????

Let me tell you, writing this chapter had me crying in a way I have never cried for any other chapter.
Like it may not have been like that for everyone, but this chapter... this chapter had me pulling out the Ben and Jerry's tub.

Shit, Damon brought up shit I was shook writing, and we haven't even covered the half of it.

I'm fucking terrified to think that this is just the beginning.

Anywhosals, if you liked this chapter, cried in it, or made it this far, then just vote and comment.

You know how I feel about comments so don't deprive me of your thoughts and feelings if you can share them :)

For those curious, we've just passed the 1/2 point of the storyline, that does not mean 35 more chapters, it means it's 1/2 of the plot covered roughly.

Like we still have a shitload of healing to do, not to mention Will is still hiding a FUCKTON of information.

But we'll get to that when we get to that.

I really hope you guys liked this chapter, it took me some time to write it but I think it was worth the wait.

If you don't agree, then shit idk what to tell you.

Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeeeeee Humanssssssssss