Warnings: Vent, angst, MCD, suicidal thoughts, suicide

(This entire first part is flashbacks, too far to fix and change everything to explain that in the story)

"I-I......I looked at the knife and picked it up. I thought about ending everything so wouldn't be a burden to you...."

"I just don't want to disappoint you, Mom. I don't want to be useless."

Izuku explained through sobs while clutching tightly to his mother whom hugged him back, gently stroking his green curls. He cries and sobs into her warm and familiar embrace, letting all of his bottled up emotions finally spill out, hiding his shameful face in her chest.

Inko was horrified to hear this from Izuku, from her only son who shined like a bright star at her and was trying his very best despite his intense insecurities that had chained and hindered him since his middle school days. Those insecurities held him down while the tide rose higher and higher, threatening to drag him further under to finish the job, and she never knew she herself was Izuku's only lifeline. She was his only light in the darkness pressed around him and his life, and ever since those insecurities started bothering him more, that darkness grew larger and larger, eager to snuff out that last bit of life and light from the 20-year old.

She had never known it was going to be this bad. And hearing Izuku tell her this and hold tightly to her as if his life depended on it, Inko felt extremely guilty for all the things she put him through in the recent years.

In all the years of his high school time, he could only spend one year there before they would move elsewhere, for reasons that aren't important right now. Izuku never got to establish many friends or even himself before they ended up moving once again. Granted, other people may have had it harder, but it didn't help that it was incredibly hard for Izuku to make friends and that usually resulted from how he was.

Most guys in his high schools couldn't care less about making notes about Pro Heroes. Most guys wouldn't be interested in drawing this own designs for a hero costume if they had a quirk. Most guys wouldn't want to associate themselves with anything that wasn't sports, drama, or some pretty girl's ass.

So fitting in was near impossible for Izuku, especially as he was quiet and reserved, usually fine with people approaching him, but he was fearful of approaching others. The green haired male would have near panic attacks whenever he would have to start a conversation, or if it wasn't that, he'd have trouble breathing because his heart was beating so fast and felt like crashing through his chest from how hard it was beating too. He'd avoid eye contact, something that terrified him because his father, Hisashi, had screamed and scolded him as a young boy, and as instinct from little kids, of course they'd look down or away when their parent was upset with them. But Hisashi didn't like that and would get angrier or even hit him if Izuku dared to look away.

This scarred the boy and whenever he made eye contact with Hisashi or anyone else, Izuku would immediately think they were going to yell at him. But that later developed into him feeling like people were judging every part of him once in middle school. Since then, that was started everything until it was snowballing down a steep hill with no sign of stopping until something broke.

Over those middle school years, Izuku was able to make a few friends and even felt safe enough to want to spend time with them openly, until one day, Izuku returned home with hurt and tears in his eyes. He ended up telling Inko that his friends weren't really his friends, and that they were using him and they actually found him annoying, stupid, and childish for his age. This hurt Izuku because he thought he found people who enjoyed the same things as he does, only for them to betray him and reveal their true colors. And from then on, Izuku had become closed off from others and tried to keep to himself, no longer feeling safe or feeling fearful of being hurt to try and go out of his way to blossom.

And in high school, Izuku suffered immensely, more than Inko and Hisashi. Luckily, Hisashi didn't physically hurt the freckled boy anymore, but that only increased the verbal and emotional abuse. Through the moving every year for Izuku's high school years, often during semesters and not through summer breaks which would be a lot easier and somewhat less stressful, Izuku would slowly settle in and grow comfortable, but right when he gets established and even begins to make some friends, it's time to move again.

While school life was stressful and most times overwhelming for Izuku, home life was just as bad if not worse. Hisashi doesn't drink or anything like that, but he gets irritated whenever Izuku was sitting around doing nothing, even when he was doing homework, and would force him to do something else around the house, often making him have to hold off his homework and work on it either late in the night after Hisashi and Inko have fallen asleep, or the next day before class. Hisashi never understood Izuku's passion in drawing costume designs and hero stuff in general, nor his passion in writing down stuff about heroes that he analyzed from videos, etc., so he didn't care to see from Izuku's perspective and always called it a "waste of his time". And even outside of his passion for heroes, Izuku enjoyed watching wildlife, both in real life and through videos of animals he'd never see where he was at otherwise. He loved to just watch them in their natural habitats, documentaries was one of the things he enjoyed watching quite often.

And if Hisashi got angry, instead of hitting his son, he'd call him names and insult him, whether behind closed doors or in public, screaming in his face and making the gentle boy cry. He would degrade Izuku, call him a failure and comparing him to all of friends' and cousins' own kids, saying he'd wished he got someone like them instead of him.

And though Inko wasn't like this, she was damaging in her own way to Izuku. During these lash outs from Hisashi, she wouldn't step in and would actually side with him, attempting to sugarcoat everything by saying that they were only trying to help him and stir him in the right direction, that they were only really passionate in making sure Izuku was successful. Outside of those fights, she would for the most part, be nice and kind to Izuku as she was someone he liked to spend time with. However, as time goes by, Inko began to get annoyed by her only son.

Whether she meant it or not, but tension began to form between the two and would soon open into a rift. Inko would often not take Izuku seriously or would brush off some things he said. It was a multitude of small things that created that rift because while Hisashi getting mad at Izuku bothered him, yes, but the one person he thought he could trust ignoring or disregarding the things he said and opinions hurt him more. Like for example, often times, Inko would rant and vent to Izuku about things like work, people at the store and on the road, etc. and Izuku would listen because he wants to be a nice person and tries to ease some of that stress from his mother. But the moment Izuku vents or rants to her, Inko would shut him down and call him annoying, being a brat, bitching, or just flat out telling him he needed to stop and calm down.

All of these things got to Izuku and only fueled his insecurities and refusal to grow up. He didn't want to lose the things that were dear to him, he didn't want to lose the things and attributes that represented him, Izuku. He was scared that once he became an adult, there would be no more time for anything but the typical adult life; wake up, work/college, come home, do homework, eat, sleep. He didn't want such a boring life and it didn't help that with college, his parents constantly warn him about people who make the wrong choice and end up in student debt for years because they took classes that they didn't really need.

Izuku was scared to become an adult, in how his parents and the majority of people dubbed it as. He was scared of losing himself.

And so, Izuku continued high school as a blank slate, a slowing emptying shell, a scared and introverted teen who felt like he was beginning to drown.

And after he graduated, which his parents didn't bother celebrating since they said, "everyone should pass high school, so it's no big deal" which Izuku understood for the most part. That and in the last third of the semester, a sickness swept over Japan and everyone had to go on lockdown to prevent the spread of the sickness, meaning that he didn't even get to experience graduating high school like normal. It was nothing but a "congratulations" email from the school followed by his diploma coming in the mail due to the sickness closing everything down. But what followed next, he was never prepared for both in school and in mind.

Hisashi and Inko wanted Izuku to go into college to be successful, but that scared Izuku and with all the shifting of schools in his high school years, he was never able to get the help most other students got in their last year so he doesn't truly understand college other than the basics. And after a year of nothing, all because the sickness was still deadly and prevented lots of things such as meeting for a job and even attending a college, but Izuku finally able to take things slow and at a pace he was comfortable with, Hisashi left them.

He said that he got a job offer in another country and didn't give the two of them any room to ask questions nor try and stop him. Hisashi left Japan and since then, just a year after Izuku graduated high school during a pandemic that still ravaged Japan, the man has never called nor returned.

Izuku knew his mother was stressed and incredibly saddened about all of this as she did love Hisashi, so he tried to help by trying to make her smile and laugh, trying to be supportive and be a shoulder she can lean onto, and putting a hold on his still slow life.

But not long after that, Izuku and Inko sometimes had arguments and then one thing led to another and to when the young adult admitted to his mother that he had thought about ending his life in his high school years because everything was getting to him and he was hurting too much. He never told her the specific reason behind his suicidal thoughts, but at that moment, Inko knew she needed to help him and change or else her fear might actually come true.

She made a promise to him that he would never be useless to her.

Oh if only she took her own advices.

(From here on is the present)

Izuku and Inko were having yet another argument but this time it was about how Inko needed her son to go out and find either a job or go to college. And from a normal standpoint, it was understandable that Inko was upset, it wasn't like her son was horrible or anything, he was just home all the time and tended to the house. He was a homebody person and did the chores around the house, so he wasn't just eating and sleeping all day.

However, Izuku's insecurities held him by his throat and didn't allow him to feel confident enough to move on in life. He was already terrified of approaching people, especially judgmental people, so getting a job was horrifying to him. And his middle school and high school experience was forever ruined by his father, some parts by his own mother, and from the moving back and forth to new schools each year. So he was scared of going through the same thing and if not that, they still live in the same apartment they've always been living in since his childhood, and with Inko sometimes venting how she wished their rent wasn't so expensive or how she would sometimes, whether she meant it jokingly or not he didn't know, tell him how they just barely had enough to pay for rent. Izuku wasn't going to college if they didn't have the money for it because he wants to avoid student debt as much as possible and didn't want to make a mistake and disappoint Inko, all just for the possibility of something better which isn't even guaranteed nowadays where even if you have a degree, sometimes you'll be overlooked for someone else who may be more capable than you.

Those were his greatest fears and flaws and unfortunately, Izuku's never learned to get past them and hasn't even gotten past the hurdle of keeping everything bottled up, after all, he only had one person to vent to but even she won't let him do that. That would only upset his mother and he would be bitching, she called it.

But this argument was built up from the afternoon when Inko got mad at Izuku for ranting a little, calling him annoying and telling him he needed to find a hobby because he was bitching. After that, Izuku was in a sour mood and had a hurt look on his face but said nothing on it, deciding to not talk as much. But, Inko took this as something else and snapped at Izuku when he was helping her cook dinner. She angrily scolded him that he needed to actually sleep at night and not go on his phone if he was this tired.

This angered Izuku because not only was he not too tired to look it, but also because Inko read his emotions very wrong and instead of asking how he felt, she lashed out immediately, so he grew defensive. That and of course he'd still be a little upset and hurt over the insult earlier, it wasn't even that long ago too. His patience was shorter due to earlier about his ranting.

And so, he snapped back.

"I'm not tired, I'm hurt from what you said earlier and from you not thinking I'd still be at least affected from that earlier. You could've just asked me instead of getting angry."

From there, the argument grew and grew until it spilled over and exploded.

"You need to go and experience life, Izuku! You can't just keep being cooped up here because it's comfortable! You need to get out of your comfort zone!" Inko scolded in a loud voice, upset and frustrated with her son.

"I can't! I can't even approach people, how am I supposed to experience life then?!" Izuku yelled back, already starting to cry from the stressful confrontation. He's never liked confrontations, it brought back ugly memories of those from his father which made him feel vulnerable and defensive. "And who are you to say that I need to 'step out of my comfort zone'?! Who's the one who kept making that smaller and smaller?"

"God, why are you like this?! Why aren't you just a normal kid? Why did I have to get the defective one?! This is probably the reason why Hisashi left! God, you're so useless! Maybe you should've just killed yourself back then!!"

Those words flew out of Inko's mouth faster than she could think about what she was going to say first, and only a second later did she realize her mistake and her eyes widened at her own words, but it was too late. The damage was done.

Izuku flinched back as if he had been physically struck, more tears gushing from his slightly widened eyes before it turns into a deep scowl and he grits his teeth. His hands clenched tightly into fists until his knuckles turned white. The green haired male looked down and away while trembling where he stood.

"I-Izuku, I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean it—" Inko tried to reach for her son only for him to smack her outstretched hand away and take a staggering step backwards.

"Don't. I.....I don't want your pity. I don't want your fake apology."

And with that, Izuku turned away with his head lowered and fled the living room to his own room, closing and locking the door once inside.

Inko could do nothing but watch as her son's heartbroken form walked away from her and disappear into his room, her own tears spilling down her face from her horrible mistake. She let her anger get to her, she let it best her and she lost her temper. She ended up lashing out at her insecure and fragile son in the worst way possible instead of controlling herself. She let her anger control her in order to win a stupid argument, like a child.

—

Inside his room, Izuku sobbed to himself, curling in on himself on his bed, his fingers digging into his neck and shoulders, feeling his demons clawing their way back to the surface and feeling them change him while he was vulnerable. His only light in the darkness surrounding him had finally left him and he could feel himself sinking lower and lower beneath the surface, beginning to drown in his dark thoughts and emotions.

Izuku's mind played Inko's words back to him in his head repeatedly like a broken record, forcing him to hear every word and forcing him to endure it once again, over and over. His chest hurt as did his heart. The word floated around his head constantly and rapidly, haunting his thoughts with the single word "useless" mocking him.

The greenette continued to cry until a broken smile slowly appeared on his face, feeling something inside him finally snap and crack. Finally, all of his emotions were spilling free and were ablaze while Izuku felt barely anything now, just a twinge of lingering pain that he was now going to relieve himself of.

Izuku stood up shakily and weakly as if he was nothing but bones and with no muscle mass, as if he were on death's door which he now was once he reached his dresser, opened a drawer and reached under his clothes to take out a hidden knife. It wasn't a big knife, just a small paring knife made to cut small fruit and vegetables but nevertheless sharp. It had to be a small knife to hide from his mother after all.

Izuku watched the blade glimmer in the pale moonlight filtering in through his particularly open curtains, it's sharp edge and metallic sheen reassures the freckled male that it was definitely sharp enough to cut through what it was made for. And that was good, because it meant it could get another, easier job done.

Knocking from his door disturbed Izuku's trance, his mother frantically knocking on the other side of the door while sniffling.

"Izuku? I'm sorry! Please come out, I.....I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry and I let my emotions get the better of me, please! I'm so sorry!"

Despite Inko's pleas and apologies, Izuku ignored them. She made her thoughts on him known, and now, he didn't have anyone but the haunting voices in his head that repeated what she had said before. He was done and nothing would ever be the same anymore even if they both tried to move on and repair their relationship. Just like his former friends back then, they had shown their true colors just as Inko did and he decides he's going to respond with the same thing he did to his ex-friends. Remove himself from the picture.

Izuku gripped the handle of the knife tightly with his right hand, returning to his bed where he gives his room one more look, savoring all the sweet memories he wished would've expanded to the rest of his life beyond just this one room he's had since he could remember. A fond smile finds its way across his face at the past of his joy within just these four walls, realizing for the nth time now that he was only ever happy within here. Beyond the door that his mother stood on the other side of was a world that neither he was prepared for nor even wanted him, and so, he decides he's content with remaining in his one place of happiness before his heart stops.

Once he's done engraving his last remaining fond memories into the front of his mind, he looks back down at his left hand and turns it over, exposing his vital wrist for his once brilliant emerald-green, now completely dull eyes to lock onto. Izuku's done hurting and now, he was taking things onto his own control for once.

"Izuku?"

The young adult doesn't respond for quite a bit but decides to leave some parting words for his mother whom he thought he could trust and rely on, only for him to be betrayed and backstabbed at his weakest point just like his former friends. He lets out a shaky but flat sigh in response.

"It's okay, Mom......I won't bother you anymore...."

And with that, Izuku presses the silver blade to his exposed wrist, feeling the cold steel for a few moments before making a push downwards mixed with swift swipe to the right, immediately feeling that coldness turn warm as deep red quickly enveloped his hand and spilled onto his bed.

For a moment, there was a flash of pain but after that, Izuku felt at peace and repeats the same process with his right wrist, slashing the vein before dropping the knife and laying on his back on his bed. He felt himself grow weaker and his vision quickly blurred but that didn't matter. Izuku closed his eyes and smiled more, content with ending everything in his one place of true bliss.

He didn't even care to hear his mother frantically fumbling with the keys on the other side of the door, trying to desperately unlock the door. It wasn't long before Inko came bursting into the room but Izuku didn't hear it, he was already gone.