This isn't the first time I've come back to the night where it all started.

I run my hand along my bedpost, which is textured as it is in real life, and stare into the gaping void. Adam is sleeping beside me, and this time I reach out to touch his forehead, to drag him along, and my hand passes right through.

I stifle a small exclamation of horror and look back to the darkness against my wall. I know what follows, so I go downstairs instead, try to click on the TV, which doesn't work either. The house is dark as in a blackout, and though I can touch everything, nothing will move. I begin to feel nauseous, sense the hand of fate dragging me by the neck back upstairs, and I close my eyes and take deep breaths, taking in the tepid night air.

The doorbell rings. I try to open it and faze through the door itself, and the door becomes solid behind me as I stand facing Ignatius, whose white lab coat billows out around him in the wind. He's a bit shorter than usual, his hair softer, and there is genuine kindness in his eyes. "I'm sorry for your loss," he says.

I look back. My house is no longer my house, but that of a stranger. The stars are different, and we're far out in the country. The night is punctured by the sound of gunshots.

"What's that?" I ask. My voice is foreign to my own ears.

"The end of someone's world." he replies.

I wake up clutching the bedsheets. The wall is almost full, with a non-functional portal about two-thirds of the way up, large enough for me to fit my hand inside but too high for me to reach. I've gotten used to the world being fractured like this, split around the seams, but it's hard to even admit that much. Some small part of my mind still knows that I'm being driven over the deep end and how okay I am with that is a symptom of something dangerous, but I spent my whole life holding my breath, trying to dive deep enough to get here.

I could do without the cryptic dreams, though.

It lies on the tip of my tongue when I'm with the team after Naval Brigade. The place is empty when I come in with Amanda, save for popping noises from the top floor. Amanda and I exchange a look and see Garrett up in his room, drinking Mountain Dew in his superhero outfit. His outfit is informal enough that it could pass for normal if not the shades, so overall he looks like a lazy cosplayer. "Hey. Told my parents I was going out with friends."

"And came up here and played video games alone? Can't you do that at home?" I ask.

"Uh, no. You need other friends to do that. My parents do want to meet yours, though. We've gotta start meeting at people's houses so it doesn't look so suspicious." Garrett pauses his game and bounces his index fingers together. "They don't like the idea of me being at a total stranger's house." He chuckles, but it's the fakest noise I've ever heard out of his throat.

"Where's Karen?" asks Amanda.

"Karen's got a dozen people coming to her house over break. Her whole family lives in the area, and her extended family comes into the area for the holidays." Garrett says.

"Were you two talking about holiday plans?" I ask, incredulous.

"She, er, apologized over XBox Live. I know that sounds weird." he pauses. "Yeah. It's super weird. I didn't know she played XBox. She seems like a PC plebeian." Garrett switches the console off. "Are we going to do anything, or not?"

We walk downstairs, but even Shiloh seems to have abandoned the premise. I don't know where else he could be, besides the Veins, but I'm not stressing it. Staying cooped up here my whole life with only four teenagers for company would drive me crazy too. Since we can't fight anything Shiloh can generate without Shiloh, we end up sparring instead. I score a good around against Amanda, and I'm surprised how long I last. She's quick and bulky, if imprecise, and even against regular paint (since acid seems a little much for training), I end up slathered in a layer of goop, like I'm playing paintball. My shield, which has hit her once to the side, is covered in a fresh rainbow. When I trip over one of my own shoes, which is sopping wet by now, she puts the blunt end of the brush to my face.

I walk to the sidelines. "Garrett, do you want to get thrashed?"

"Thrashed? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm getting the hang of this." he says. "I mean, I'm not completely useless."

Amanda is looking at me again. I shrug. "No one thinks you're useless," Amanda says. "Karen was just upset. She apologized for that too, right?"

"Yes, I was... never mind. Bring it on." Garrett says.

Amanda and him twirl on the battlefield, but they're both holding back. Garrett's portals are fast and furious, diverting every paint strike against the ground and walls, but he hasn't touched his halbert once. Amanda has stuck to the edges, as if she's afraid of a melee attack, and I try to wring paint out of my boots on the sidelines of the arena. It's as much fun as it sounds. Amanda finally pounces, but before she even reaches him, Garrett groans with pain and drops to his knees. "T." he says.

"What's up? Had enough?"

"I've been having headaches all day. Mainly when I talk to Karen." he says. He holds his hands up. "Don't tell her I said that, please. She'll kill me."

"We know you were joking. We're not going to snitch on you." Amanda says.

"No, I'm not joking. I don't mean my head hurts because of what she's saying. I mean I'll try to talk to her and I'll start getting a migraine, like she just hit me across the face. I know this is weird, but at first I thought I might have a crush on her. It's hard to talk to her, my chest kind of flutters when she's around, and I do want to be around her. She just hates me. This doesn't make sense though- headaches are not a crush symptom." Garrett says. "Okay, so nightmares aren't either."

"Depends on who you're crushing on." Amanda offers.

"Nightmares!" I say. "Garrett. What was yours like?"

"I'm at Ignatius's house. Instead of going downstairs, I go upstairs and you guys are hanging near the top of the steps. Ignatius has a vine around Karen's neck, but she's struggling. I panic and portal out every time."

"Oh." I say. It sounds like an anxiety dream- I used to have them every other night, whether it be school issues or my brother.

"Have you been having them too?"

"Once or twice?" Something speaks through my mouth, and I don't contradict it.

"That's about what I've had." Garrett says, getting to his feet. "I've gotta tell Karen about this. See you guys later!" He dashes out of the room.

"Be careful how you phrase that to her?" I yell after him.

"Those two are working things out." Amanda says, lying crosslegged across the floor.

"Okay." I blurt. "I've been having them almost every night, I know I should have told him,

but Amanda... I think it's a Diosite thing."

Amanda nods. "Is that why you didn't want to talk to Garrett about it?"

"There are consequences to doing this. It could have consequences on us. If they think it's messing with us psychologically, it'll just be you and I on the team, and we can't beat him alone. I can't do this without them."

Amanda takes a long look at me, and my heart drops a little in my chest. What kind of person does she think I am? Have I finally convinced her I'm over the edge, past the point of saving? After all, who would hide something like this from their teammates?

"Okay," Amanda says, putting a hand on mine. "I trust you."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be. This sucks, but we've gotta... work through it. I've been lying to everyone in the Naval Brigade. I feel like garbage too, but we're doing this for their own good."

I lean on her. "I don't think I could do this without you."

"Same."