((This was going to be ot4 smut but then a shitty thing happened and I felt shitty so I'm venting hA don't hate me

-Mel))

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Calum's tired. Or something.

Maybe tired isnt the right word, because he wakes up tired and he falls asleep tired. He thought it was just the tour at first, but now they're back in Sydney on break and he knows its not. He hasn't done anything in a week, letting his mom wait on him hand and foot and sleeping the days away.

He's called Ashton once, only to fall asleep to the sound of his voice after four hours. Michael's made sure to stop in everyday and crawl into his bed for a bit, and even Luke's come by to give Calum a plate of cookies. Besides those three and his family, Calum hasn't had contact with anyone. He hasn't checked any social media, he knows everyone's talking shit about him as usual, and he's not even sure what he'd post. Maybe some song lyrics or an old picture of Ashton, but other than that, he has nothing to say. He's sick of expelling all the rumors circling around him and he's sick of trying to educate people about his gender.

He misses Ashton, considering they haven't seen each other in a week, and he misses falling asleep to his band's snores. He misses cuddling with all of them and he misses Michael's lips against his neck and Luke's fingers on his waist and Ashton's chin on his shoulder.

Which is ridiculous, because he literally saw Michael less than ten hours ago, Luke two days ago, and Ashton a week ago, but he misses them. He's starting to think maybe he is too weird after all, maybe they can't stand him anymore. Maybe the break wasn't because the tour was getting too stressful, maybe trying to deal with Calum was too stressful.

He can't remember if he took his hormones this morning or not. He thinks not, because he's supposed to take them with food, and he can't remember getting out of bed yet.

He huffs in frustration and rolls over to grab his phone. There's a missed call from both Ashton and Luke, along with a text from Michael saying he'll be over in an hour or so. Calum figures he should get up and like, make himself presentable or something, but he can't. He can't find it in him to move his limbs or sit up in the slightest, he's starting to think his bones are going to rot and he'll be left a hollow body on his bed. He doesn't really mind, at least his band will be free of him, then. They won't have to deal with him or the stress of keeping up with him.

Calum sighs again and stretches, rubbing his hands down his face in annoyance. He's being paranoid, he knows he is. Of course Michael fucking likes him, he's not the type to stick around if his patience or attention span run thin. There's a tiny part of Calum's brain telling him Michael's just sticking around so the band doesn't break up, or he doesn't want to hurt Calum's feelings, or something. He's not sure what to believe anymore, and suddenly he's crying and curling into a ball to hold his knees so the sobs don't wreak havoc on his stomach muscles.

He's sobbing and crying because his best friends probably don't even like him, maybe they talk shit about him while he isn't around. Maybe Luke and Ashton are together right now, complaining about him.

He tries wiping the tears away but more just fall and stain his pink cheeks. There's arms wrapping around his body suddenly, fingers digging into his waist and lower back, pulling their chests together and whispering quietly. His eyes fling open and search frantically until they meet Ashton's, then Luke's where he's standing at the end of the bed, then finally Michael's in the doorframe.

"Hey, Cal, its okay," Ashton says quietly, rubbing his back gently. "We're here, its okay princess."

Calum shakes his head, because this just makes it so much fucking worse. They're trying so hard to tolerate him, and he drags them through this shit.

"I'm going to- I'm gonna fuckin'- I want to quit the band," he sniffles and snuffles and sobs a bit more, and Ashton says nothing in response. He shifts them until Calum's completely on top of him, with their legs tangled together. The bed dips on either side as Michael and Luke join them in the tiny Queen sized bed, definitely not built for four oversized boys.

Once Calum is reduced to quiet hiccups and sniffles, Michael reaches over and tangles his fingers into his hair while Luke sqeezes his hip gently. Calum buries his face into Ashton's neck and mumble incoherently, while Ashton rubs his back slowly.

"It's going to be okay, Cal," Ashton assures him gently, in a tone of carefulness that only Ashton seems to have.

"What happened?" Michael asks when Calum only pouts and hiccups again. his fingers are running through Calum's greasy, tangled hair. The thought makes Calum cringe. He hasn't showered in three days and they're touching him.

"I'm quitting," Calum announces. "I don't want to be in the band anymore."

Luke laughs, leaning forward to press his face into Ashton's shoulder to hide his giggles. "You can't quit, we won't let you!"

"Luke," Ashton sighs. "Shut- just stop talking. Please. Calum, why do you want to quit?"

Calum sniffles again and indiscreetly wipes his nose all over the collar of Ashton's shirt. "No one fucking likes me, everyone just knows me as "the weird one" or "the one in his delusional phase" or "the one that thinks he's a girl"! You guys don't even fucking like me!"

"Calum, we love you," Ashton assures him. "No one hates you. We all like you, I promise we do." Calum wets his lips, swiping his tongue across them and accidentally catching Ashton's neck. Ashton cringes and tenses his jaw tightly, making Calum pause.

"You're having a touch repulsed day, aren't you?" He asks softly.

Ashton huffs at the observation. "You looked like you needed a cuddle, this isn't about me." His hands tighten at Calum's lower back, making the younger boy flinch slightly. "Cal, you needed me, it doesn't matter if I'm having a touch repulsed day or not. You need me, you need all of us."

Calum frowns, because that's pretty damn caring, Ashton must like him a little bit. He noses at Ashton's throat and pouts when Ashton only tenses slightly. Luke's fingers tighten around his hip, while Michael's drag though his hair some more. Calum still isn't convinced, despite Ashton's announcement.

Michael seems to notice his hesitation and adds, "Cal, you're an icon, I hope you know that. You're the biggest representation most kids have. Some people are going to dislike you, it happens, they're uneducated and shitty, but that doesn't matter. What matters, is that you managed to get thousands of people to look up gender terms. Thousands of kids are going to realize who they are because of you. Maybe even millions of people are going to be more tolerant of genders and sexualities because of you."

Its dead silent for a fee seconds after that, and then Luke whispers, "You're an inspiration, Cally. You're saving lives."

Calum manages a tiny smile at that. Calum the Inspiration has a nice ring to it. He pushes his head until Michael's hand, reaches back to tangle his fingers with Luke's, and uses his free hand to massage Ashton's scalp. He supposes band cuddles aren't that bad.

°°°°

Calum's mom walks into the room three times before she breaks and says something.

"Michael, I don't enjoy you spooning my son."

Michael noses at the back of Calum's head and says, "I quite enjoy spooning your son, Mrs. Hood."

Calum wants to say that he quiet enjoys being spooned, as well. The position let's him rub his ass against Michael's dick when his mother isn't in the room, then act innocent when she comes back in. Like he has no idea where Michael's hard on is coming from.

"You never had a problem with us cuddling before, mom," Calum points out. Michael's hand tight end around his stomach, so Calum reaches up and tangles their fingers together, ignoring the way his mother's eyes follow the action.

"Yes, but that was before-" Joy cuts off abruptly and turns around to grab the laundry basket off the floor. She hurriedly shoves the socks into the drawer, while Michael visibly flinches. Neither of them have to ask what "before" is, but Calum does anyway.

"Before what, mom?" He asks sharply. "Before you realized he was gay?"

"I'm n-" Michael starts, only to shut his mouth when Calum squeezes his knuckles harshly.

Joy turns around again to face them, then purses her lips in distaste. "You know what I meant, Calum."

"No!" Calum exclaims. "No, I don't know what you meant! Explain it to me!"

"I don't feel comfortable with him spooning you in your childhhod bed," she says. Which is understandable, really. What another would let her child practically dry hump their best friend? Calum frowns, waiting for her to finish. "He's attracted to his friends, Calum, I don't want you to get hurt, is all."

"Oh, that's all, is it?" Calum scrunches up his nose. His mother didn't react well when she told her about his gender, either. She'd nodded silently when he told her, then pulled his father aside and whispered, "Its called individualiam. He'll be back to normal in a few months. Just like when he wanted to take up hip hop dancing, remember? That dream faded fast, too."

Calum glares until she leaves, shutting the bedroom door shut behind her. Michael's hand grips Calum's knuckles, pushing their joined hands against his torso.

"Mike-" he starts.

"Its fine," Michael cuts him off. "Its fine. Just- just let me lay here for a while. I'll be alright, just let me- I just need to hold you for a while."

Calum nods hesitantly and cuddles back until he couldn't possibly be any closer to Michael. Michael holds him like he physically can't let go.

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((Lmao my art show is in six days and I need to draw three realism pieces and I have no references or ambition god save my soul.

I'm going to ask you guys a question from now on because I love you and I wanna know whats going on with your lives.

Question: who's your favorite author on here??

Answer: mines probably fivesecondsofsheeran (everyone go call her soapy btw) or euphoriashton

-Mel))