Hey my sweethearts <3

Another very very long chapter just for you. Hope you enjoy and well, comment to let me know what you want to happen in the very end <3

P.S. I know that I can be a bit unpredictable, sorry :$

Love
Shona <3

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The scariest thing about distance is you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget about you.

- The notebook

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Javed keeps gazing at me with narrow eyes, the green in them now filled with curiosity, waiting for my reaction. His words rings in my ears, Shawn cares for you and Adam needs you. "No." I hear myself verbalize astonished with my heart hammering in my chest, I can feel sweat beads forming at the back of my neck.

Javed raises an eyebrow and crosses his arm over his torso. "What do you mean?" He questions me with a new kind of interest lacing in his voice.

I shake my head at him and turn to the cups of tea I have placed on the tray. "Of course Shawn cares for me. We are friends." I try to sound casual with a shrug but my heart is painfully fluctuating.

Javed takes the tray from me. "Don't try Sana, even you know the real deal." He tells me with no trouble while I am feeling highly uncomfortable, how do I explain to him that just the mere thought of it is wrong?

"No Javed." I sternly try to get across while looking down.

No surprise, Javed immediately disagree. "Yes Sana! Shawn has been praying ever since you got wounded, if that's not a mind changer then what is? He regularly visits the Mosque which even I don't do being born a Muslim. For God's sake Shawn used to be a atheist, but he is changing and it is only because of you. He worries for you and always put you before himself or anyone else for that matter. If that's not lo." I cut him short with wide eyes, he can't say such a huge thing so casually.

"Stop Javed! Don't!" I beg him with my eyes welling up for some strange reason. "It is nothing like that. We are just friends." I say shakily and run a hand down my face nervously, this might cause huge problems in the future which I am not ready for.

Javed takes a long glance at me before gently answering. "Okay, if you say so." I nod with a soft smile and mouth a thank you, grateful over the fact that he realized my discomfort.

He takes the tray and walks out of the room while I stand there with anxiety filling my chest. Having a hard time to breath I shakily grab a glass of water and sit down on the floor leaning against the cabinet. Adam needs you.

No, don't over analyze his words Sana. It is not worth it, there's nothing between you two. Shawn is just a friend and he can never fall for you. What does that supposed to mean? Can you fall for him? Heat rushes to my cheeks and I shake my head. No, I convince myself. I frown at another thought, he prays? That's so surreal. No wonder he has been commenting in favor of religion lately, but I can't be the reason. That's just absurd.

Resting my head in my hands I try to calm myself down. Every single memory with Shawn passes through my mind. His sneer and sarcastic comments. His way of rolling his beautiful blue eyes at my every childish act, a smile finds its way to my lips at that thought. Most importantly the way he always is there for me. That's clearly friendship.

"Sana?" My mother's voice startles me and I hurry to stand on my feet which leaves me a bit dizzy while my mother eyes me worriedly. "Is everything alright with you?" She inquires with her soft brown eyes and I nod with a smile while holding on to the counter. "You sure?" She keep pressing.

I slightly nod to assure. "Yes mommy, my mind was a bit clouded but everything is crystal clear and fine now." I honestly tell her and she narrows her eyes perplexed at my words. "You worry too much mom, stress less or else you'll get wrinkles." I laugh to ease the situation and a smile cracks on her lips while she shakes her head at me.

"Ya Allah, you are too much Sana. You keep giving me all these heart attacks." She tells me in a scolding but loving way.

"Sorry." I apologize meekly and place my arm around her shoulders while we walk back into the living room.

My eyes quickly finds Shawn who have Aahil in his lap while Adam and Aaliya is playing video game with each other. There's an empty spot between Shawn and my father but all of a sudden I feel uncomfortable. Why are you feeling uncomfortable now? Act natural? Don't let Javeds words get to your head. My eyes wanders to a amused Javed and I more or less glare at him. Sitting down between them I try to catch up on the conversation but in vain as my head is too foggy.

"What's wrong Sana?" Shawns whispering words suddenly hits me and involuntary my heart picks up its pace.

"Nothing." I try to smile and sound genuine.

"You're awfully quiet, shaking, fiddling with your fingers and giving me a fake smile. Still going to say that it's nothing?" My eyes darts up to find his ocean blue twinkling ones.

I gulp down a lump in my throat. "I am just tired." That's the lame answer I give him while my mind is screaming, how come he notice every small detail of me?

Shawn nods and doesn't press on the topic any further. Ibrahim stirs us into a discussion about fasting as it is Ramadan now. I haven't been able to fast due to the circumstances but will In Sha Allah, if God will, start in a few days. It feels weird to not fast when I am used to keep them, this is the first time I have missed due to a injury rather than my womanhood.

"Shawn, what are your plans now for the near future?" My dad all of a sudden inquires and I snap out of my trans at the mention of Shawn, this is getting ridiculous.

Javed is getting to my head, if this continues the few brain cells I have left will turn stupid. "Well, I will actually book the tickets to USA tonight." Hearing that I involuntary grimace, so soon? "I am not sure about next but I need to get everything sorted out with my officers before my early retiring and for my own peace of mind I need to visit my sister." The last part leaves his mouth as a mere whisper and my heart clenches knowing how painful it must be for Shawn to accept the bitter truth.

My dad holds his shoulder to give comfort. "I am proud of you, son. We are always here for you and this family considers you their own." My dad says with affection which warms my heart and a genuine smile plays on my lips.

Shawn smiles back at my dad gratitude evident in his bright eyes. Realization hits me when my eyes rests on Adam, he is going to leave. Walking up to him I sit down on the floor behind him and pull him into my lap. "Sana, look I am winning over Aaliya!" Adam cheerfully giggles and I kiss his cheek.

My baby sister pouts with her brown eyes glossy. "He is cheating." She accuses and I can't help to laugh at her childishness.

"I am not, you're a bad player." Adam innocently replies with his pretty blue eyes twinkling and I chuckle seeing Aaliya glaring at Adam for his honesty.

"No I am not! I don't want to play with you anymore!" Aaliya fumes and puts down the control on the floor with a thud and crosses her arms and I sigh seeing her act immature.

Shawn sits down beside me and pulls Aaliya closer to him. "Why does this remind me of someone?" Suddenly my smile drops and my eyes widens, I can't believe I acted the same way a few days ago when playing cards with Shawn in the hospital.

"Shut up Shawn." I say while my cheeks go crimson.

A amused Shawn shifts his focus to a sweet Aaliya. "Aaliya losing is not a bad thing, sometimes in order to value your victory you need to lose." Shawn explains to her and gently plants a kiss on the top of her head.

I smile at Shawn. "Actually, that's what you tell losers to console them." I teasingly whisper to Shawn and he shakes his head.

"You didn't catch the message behind it." He says with a soft but still deep voice boring his eyes into mine. "It is when we lose or believe that we are losing something, or someone, that we realize its true value." That's actually very true, but that is not what catches my attention.

It is Shawns intense eyes filled with emotions that spellbinds me for a moment and I can't tear my gaze away, my heart drums rapidly in my chest while he genuinely smiles at me. This is so wrong, then why do I find peace in his presence?

The next morning I sit down beside my desk for the hundredth time with my assignments. Not being able to focus I sigh for the millionth time, I seriously can't do this. I need one of my guardians to supervise me to get something done but both are at work, just great.

My phone buzzes and breaks me from my misery. The name on the display makes my heart skip a bit and my lungs feels so tight that I can barely breathe. Why am I reacting this way? This is highly idiotic. I contemplate if I should answer or not but end up swiping my finger across the display.

With a nervous heart I finally answer. "Hello?" I greet more like a question.

"Hey, how are you?" His deep voice tickles my ear. Tickles my ear? Am I serious? Seriously, I am losing my mind here.

"Good, you?" I answer him and with all my strength turn my attention to him.

"Same." He answers and there's this sudden silence.

For a moment I am convinced he has hung up on me. "Shawn?" I test timidly.

"I am leaving tomorrow morning." His nervous voice hits me while I feel numb. "I would like to meet you one last time, if you have the time of course." I can see him run a hand down his hair as he always does when he is nervous and that makes me bite away a smile.

"Where do you want to meet?" I inquire while I play with my pen.

"Sergel Square." He says and I almost stop breathing as memories rush back to me, why there?

"When?" I instead ask him.

"Whenever you can." He offers.

"See you in two hours then?" I propose while drawing a circle across the paper in front of me.

"See you." He tells me shortly.

"Wait! Where in Sergel Square?" I ask before he decides to hang up on me and there's another silence at the end of the line while I wait with anticipation.

His next words makes my heart beat in my ears. "Where we first met." He softly informs.

Getting ready to meet Shawn I take a glance at myself in the mirror and feel disappointed by myself. My big dark eyes stares back at me and it feels like it is accusing me for committing Zina, adultery. What am I doing with my life? If I truly believe in Allah and value his rules then why do I walk around like I am immortal? With a sigh I close my eyes and tears starts to prick my eyelids. I need to get a grip of my life, myself and my emotions.

One step into Sergal Square and I can spot Shawn on the sunken pedestrian plaza with large black and white triangular pattern. I can't help to admire the pattern, it is just like life black and white. Walking down the steps with a hammering heart due to anticipation I catch his attention and he seem stunned. Am I looking that bad? When I have walked down the last steps I walk towards him with my gaze looked with his intense one. Even though people passes I can't look away from him due to curiosity of his reaction. When we stand face to face he smiles widely at me beaming looking so much younger, I can't explain how much a simple smile suits him. Shawn examines me and I smile back nervously with anticipation building in my chest.

His eyes shines under the sunlight. "MashAllah you did it. You're looking beautiful." He looks at me with awe but seem to snap back to reality as his eyes widens. "I mean, I am so proud of you." I raise a eyebrow in surprise. Did he just compliment me and praised the lord?

"Thank you." I whisper and I am actually pleasantly surprised by his encouraging words.

When I was leaving the house I did something I thought I would never do in the near future, I adorned the Hijab, headscarf. Actually, I was not even sure what I was waiting for. I might die tomorrow and to dress a bit modest should not affect my life in a negative way. I mean people will be able to see my competence by my intelligence, talent and dedication so what does it matter if I have a scarf around my head? I am still me, right? This way I am just a bit closer to my lord which gives me a inner peace.

"Are you fasting?" Shawns voice snaps me back and I shake my head. "Do you want an ice-cream?" He inquires with smiling eyes and I immediately nod with a huge grin.

Shawn buys me an ice-cream and we stroll around in Sergel Sqaure. "You won't forget me will you? Promise to keep in touch." I say to Shawn feeling bad about the thought of them leaving.

Shawn smiles but it doesn't reach up to his eyes. "I promise." he shortly answers.

"When are you leaving?" I finally ask him.

"Tomorrow morning at eight." He looks up at the sky while he answers, letting the sun kiss his handsome face while I look on mesmerized.

He catches me stare at him and I offer him a awkward smile before looking down at my ice-cream cone. "I can come to the airport than, I want to meet Adam." I honestly tell him.

"No." His reply makes me frown.

"Why not?" I question aggravated.

"It is too early." That doesn't make sense.

"So? Shawn, I want to meet Adam." I tell him sternly and cross my arms around my chest.

"You met him yesterday." He sighs and shakes his head as if I am being too stubborn.

"Why can't I come?" I ask him straight away.

"Because." He verbalize with a wave of his hand but doesn't continue.

"Because what?" I press on and can feel frustration building up inside off me.

He sighs and furrows his brows before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Because then I might not be able to leave." His reply startles me while we intensely stare into each other's eyes both searching for different answers. "You talk so much that the plane might take off without us." Shawn playfully adds and I scowl at him.

"Seriously Shawn." I shake my head at him, he scared me for a moment.

"No, actually I am just not good with goodbyes and Adam might cry so it is better this way." Even though I nod and agree with him I feel a lump in my throat.

After talking to each other for a few more minutes we end up in the middle of the sunken pedestrian plaza and I sigh. "I hate goodbyes." I tell him weakly.

A small smile etches on his lips but his gaze is blank. "Me too." He says absent minded.

"Take care of yourself Shawn, and Adam too. Give my love to him and kiss him for me. I might call him tonight." He nods while not taking away his intense gaze away from me and I stare right back at him.

He seem to be thinking deeply about something. "Try not to get into trouble now when I am not around." He lightly chuckles and I roll my eyes. "Bye Sana." He finally says and my breathing falters a bit.

"Bye." I say while turning around quickly as tears form in my eyes and I guess he does the same.

Walking away I suddenly halt hearing him call me. "Sana." I turn around to face him while he walks up to me and my heart hammers in my chest while he searches for something in my eyes with a blank expression. "Would you like to join us to the US?" He inquires with a sudden hope in his eyes and I smile amused at the fact that he's being serious.

I shake my head. "Shawn, you know that's not possible. I have my family to consider and a lovely pile of assignments waiting for me." He looks at me intently.

"So you're just letting us go?" He inquires dissatisfied.

His words surprises me and I furrow my brows. "No, but I won't stop you from going home." I frankly tell him.

He seem frustrated now. "So in other words you don't care?" He sternly questions and I frown at his words, why would he assume that of all?

"Of course I care. Shawn, what is this all about?" I ask him softly.

"You know what this is about." He expresses rigidly and his eyes are turning a shade darker.

I tilt my head and take a good look at him perplexed. "Actually no, I don't. Mind to share?" I challenge him.

He looks away annoyed at first but then bores his eyes into mine making my heart pick up its rate. "Fine. I might have fallen in love with you." His echoing words should be enough to make me freeze in shock but instead I start to chuckle with my heart wanting to jump out of my chest.

I look at a surprised Shawn amused and can still hear my hammering heart, I am sure he wasn't expecting my bizarre reaction. "It sounds like you're confessing your love at gunpoint." He rolls his eyes at that. "On a serious note. No you don't. You're just imagining things as we have lately been spending too much time together. Aren't you used to dating and all?" I put in the picture and inquire with a small smile.

He takes a good look at me and shakes his head. "No, I have never dated, I have never had a girlfriend or been with anyone." He enlightens me monotonously and I just find myself staring at him.

Wow, okay I wasn't expecting that. "There will be a time when you'll want to date and explore." I try to reason with him.

Shawn instead grimaces. "No, I am actually more than ready to marry you." Wait what? Upon hearing that I burst out laughing, he must be joking right?

Seeing Shawns serious expression I look at him astonished and heat reaches my cheeks. "You're serious?" He nods blankly not finding this amusing at all. "It is not that simple Shawn. I don't feel that way, I mean I like you but not that way." I try to make him see it from my point of view.

"You don't need to. Your feelings will come after marriage." He explains to me not leaving my gaze and I shake my head perplexed.

"Shawn, what are you talking about?" I ask him totally confused.

"You told me that feelings usually comes after marriage." He reminds me and I recall one of our conversation during some journey.

"You're not even a Muslim, you don't believe in such things." I try to put across, this is ridiculous.

His lips are pressed into a thin line. "If I convert will you marry me than?" I just stare at him shell shocked, what's going on here?

Is this some kind of prank? "Shawn this is a really weird conversation. First of all you can't convert for a girl as you have to believe. It should be for you and your lord only." I try to explain to him.

"I already believe." Shawn seem adamant and waits for my reaction.

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. "Please Shawn, go and live your life. I am also too young for all of this." I advise him tiredly.

"You're old enough. Do you like someone else?" Shawn presses on the matter and I just don't know what to feel anymore.

"No and no." I frankly reply to his question.

"Then what's the problem? How can I convince you?" He asks me almost pleadingly and guilt starts to stab my chest.

"You can't. Shawn, this is highly uncomfortable." I try to make my decision clear to him.

"Sana, I have seen feelings for me in your eyes and I don't know why you're denying it. Why can't you give it a try or at least think about it?" Shawns words make me fall from the sky, can he really read me?

I stare at him with a inner emotional battle while my heart drums violently. "Shawn, I just can't." I tell him suffocated while I do my best to hold back the tears pricking my eyelids.

Shawn looks at me for a long moment with his blue eyes with different kind of emotions in them, most importantly he seem determined. "If God has written you in my destiny than nothing can stop you from becoming mine, not even you." He proposes and his words hits me hard, he's really a packet full of surprises.

I just stare at him as if he has grown another head and try to come up with something decent to say, my mind is totally blank. "I don't know what to say, this is so out of your character." I manage to say aloud and his words keeps ringing in the back of my mind, making it hard for me to breathe.

He holds my gaze for awhile and what pains me is that I can clearly see regret in them mixed with hurt. "I am sorry. I don't know what got into me. Bye Sana, I hope you have a nice life." I nod insecurely and try to smile while he keeps staring at me intensely with fire in his eyes.

A small gasp leaves my lips as he takes a step towards me, without warning he plants a warm kiss on my forehead with his soft lips and I automatically close my eyes. "I am sorry, I had to." He whispers while looking down at me with his intense gaze burning my skin as I stand there feeling completely overwhelmed by his gesture, my heart is beating so hard in my chest that I am afraid it might collapse any moment.

Shawn takes a step back and turns around. Just as he turns a weird kind of pain washes over me and I feel a void in my chest as if a piece of me is suddenly missing. Feeling numb I force myself to turn around and walk up the stairs, I glance back at a retreating Shawn and feel completely empty. This is it Sana.

Reaching home I throw myself on my bed feeling exhausted and more than anything confused. My hand reaches my forehead and I remember the warmth his lips spread through me. What do I actually want?

I care for Shawn, I want to see him happy, I want to be around him and I certainly don't mind him close to me. Truth is I enjoy his company and I am kind of used to him, then why am I pushing him away now?

The answer is actually rather simple, because I am afraid. What if he leaves me later in life? What if he regards Islam and me as a joke? A part time fun or discover and later he realizes that this life or me isn't for him at all? I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

The door bell rings and snaps me out of my thoughts. I glance at the time and frown, it is too early for my family to be home and they have keys. Heaving myself up from the bed I walk down. As soon as I open the door Javed, Zaki, Saeed and Ibrahim storms inside startling me.

"What's wrong guys?" I ask them with a surprised expression.

Javed messages the sides of his head. "You're letting him go?! You're letting Shawn and Adam go?!" Ibrahim questions me in disbelief.

I roll my eyes. "What is this? Matchmaking dot com?" I retort back, what's wrong with them?

Are they really so fed up with their current profession? "Sana be serious!" Saeed scolds and I roll my eyes ones again.

"I am serious! Since when did you guys become matchmakers? Wasn't cupid enough?" I question them and suddenly chuckle at my own words which annoys them even more.

"Shut up Sana, we are leaving tomorrow! Don't do this!" Ibrahim scolds and I sigh rubbing my temple.

"Stop pressing me! I can't go against my own feelings." I snap and try explain to them but they seem to be too dense.

Javeds green eyes seem to be on fire. "You already like him!" Javed says with a loud voice and my heart jumps a bit at the impact of his words.

I nod agreeing. "Yes, I like him but as a friend. Nothing less, nothing more." I try to make it clear and they exchange knowing glances.

"Why are you pushing him away?" Ibrahim interrogates with confusion evident in his brown eyes.

Embarrassed I shift my weight to my other leg. "I have my reasons, for example he is not even a Muslim." I slowly say and realize that I am sounding extremely stupid.

Even I know that this is just a excuse, but what can I say? Hey, I am afraid that your friend might abandon me and break my heart in the future?

They look at me as if I have grown another head. "He is more or less a Muslim, he is even fasting." Ibrahims slowly says as if I am dense while his words stuns me and I recall that Shawn offered me an ice-cream but declined from eating anything himself.

My heart leaps violently in my chest making it hard for me to think clearly, why didn't he tell me? I feel so bad for eating in front of him. I shake my head realizing that I am turning soft. "And I am proud of him as he is doing this for Allah and his belief." I tell them sternly and try to convince myself that I don't feel anything for him.

Zaki shakes his head disapprovingly. "Seriously Sana, you'll regret so bad." He tells me with a soft voice.

"Stop it, I don't feel that way. This is so wrong, he is my friend." I keep hearing myself repeating for the hundredth time but in vain.

"Sana." Ibrahim starts but I cut him short as their words will weaken me.

"Please, no. Just stop it." I tell them sternly and take a step away from them, they have to accept my decision.

Seeing me back away they finally seem to realize my discomfort. "As you wish, we'll find him and Adam someone else then." Ibrahim calmly states and that actually sets my heart on fire, the blood in my veins suddenly pumps violently.

"Wow, so hard for him to jump from one girl to another than." I hear someone sarcastically mock and I am surprised realizing that those words came from me.

I stare in front of me astonished of myself. "Why do you care now? He needs someone to be there for him and Adam." Saeed smiles with amusement in his eyes and I sigh.

Gulping down my stupid bipolar emotions I look at him with a soft smile. "You're right. I hope he does find someone who truly loves him and whom he truly loves." That's actually my genuine wish for him or so I trust. "I'll miss you guys so much!" I sigh tiredly and tears starts to roll down my cheeks while I take a good look at them.

Javed sighs and holds me by my shoulders. "We're going to miss you too Sana."

"Don't cry sis, we're surely going to meet each other again. In Sha Allah, if God will." Ibrahim says and I smile through my sobs. "Wait a minute, are you wearing a hijab?" Ibrahim gasps shocked and all eyes turns to me while I raise a eyebrow.

"So after all the scolding you guys finally notice huh?" I shake my head amused.

They look ashamed, serves them right. "Oh my God sorry, let me take a look at my pretty sis." Javed says and turns me around. "MashAllah, praise to the lord, the hijab surely suits you." I chuckle upon hearing that, they surely know how to butter up as they start to shower me with compliments.

After sharing some kind and encouraging words for the future they leave. I keep gulping down the pain and try not to cry the whole evening but as soon as mum comes home I break down in her arms feeling devastated for some odd reason. We shift to my room as she keep consoling me and I don't know when I fall asleep with my head on her lap.

The next day I involuntary wake up early with a throbbing head due to all the crying the previous night. Even though I won't go to the airport to see them off I decide to fresh myself up as I know I won't be able to get back to sleep.

With a restless heart I pray for their safety and sit down next to my window gazing at the illuminate sky. My mind keeps wandering to a certain someone and his beautiful, but intense, blue eyes keeps haunting me. The fact that I am letting him go leaves me with a uneasy feeling. Only one question keeps repeating in my mind, do I or do I not love Shawn?