January 1, 2001

         To nobody,

...Why do I hate myself? Why do I push myself through so much torment? Every movie I have ever watched tells me that revenge isn't the way to go.. but, I have no other choice. My mind is stuck. And quite honestly, I feel lost. I know what I have to do, but I also don't. I know who did this to me, but I also don't. I know exactly what to blame.. but.. I also don't.

They are dead. I knew it when I was stuck in that dark void of a reality, but coming back to my own, it has been confirmed. For years I had been in denial, only now am I finally beginning to accept the truth... That I wasn't able to do anything when they needed me the most.

I, for some odd reason, wish I could return to that void, and live the rest of my life there in darkness. Such evil thoughts fill my mind it scares me. If only I could lock myself up in a place where I knew I would never.. you know... Hurt others. Am I really going insane? Have I already gone insane? How can someone tell if they are insane? Nobody around me tells me I am insane, so how can I know for sure? Is this all really just, normal? Perhaps this is just some odd form of PTSD? I don't know!

I need to follow along with my mission. It is the only way I know for sure I can get help. Without a goal in mind.. I may as well lock myself up in the darkness, and pray no one ever finds me. Again, why do I feel this way about myself? None of the actions I do are bad. So..why?

Something is stuck in my mind. It has still yet to be revealed, but it feels like a knife in the back of my head at times, and at others just nags at the back of my thoughts. Is it a fear? Is it anger? Is it the fear of anger? Or is it something completely foreign to me? Whatever it may be, it terrifies me. And I don't even know WHAT it is!

To nobody, please don't read this... This letter, to not even myself.. I want to burn it in the palm of my fist this instant, but I cannot stop... Whatever is inside of me, needs to come out, and I figured writing might just be the best way.

Have you ever thought of a plan in so much detail, that it comes true? Wait, that makes no sense... Ughh. Oh well, no one is reading this anyways. I feel like a swishing fish, stuck in the middle of a massive school of identical fish. On occasion a shark will barge through, consuming a big mouth full of us, and I can only hope that one of these fish they eat won't be me? How do I fix this?...

I control the other fish.
I make sure they know I am important.
I teach them how to stand against these sharks.
And most importantly, teach them to protect me.
Boom, fixed!

But what about the fish who..?
Doesn't matter now does it?
They were the ones who chose to follow me.
I was the one who taught them, made them feel important; special; part of a unit.
They should know the dangers they face.
And they full well know that I am... me?...

Why am I such an IDIOT?! Why can't I stop seeing myself this way?! I am such a terrible person, but I am saving lives! They would be dead if it weren't for me! I am SAVING THEM! But I also feel, so.. bad. Stop! No! I told you no! You can't just!-#(* Crap! Not again! I never get anything done when I am all moody like this! And I still haven't found a good hiding place since we last moved either! Maybe I could try under the bed.? No, that wouldn't do. Perhaps underground in that new plate of reality? Hmm, perhaps. Maybe I could build an entire castle under there too, with countless tunnels going through it like a maze, that only I have truly memorized. Then, I would have a place to hide. Maybe even a place the others can as well. Yes.. I rather like this idea. It is a reality of endless opportunities afterall. I shall call it my fortress, and in there, only my rules apply.

If only I wasn't constantly so afraid. Then, maybe I would be able to move on. Maybe, then, I wouldn't even need a hiding place. Maybe then, I... could actually live normally again.