August 14, 2004

     To my little boy,

I just saw your beautiful eyes open for the first time today, and already my life has been changed. You may have no idea how much your youth and innocence means to me, and it is likely that you never will. Even I do not know exactly what has changed, or even what this overwhelming feeling is. All I know is that I love you more than you or even I could ever imagine. In honor of this love, I will never let you into the darkness. I will never allow you to see my dark side, dear one. You just mean too much to me. I fear my dark side has swelled so much, that I must play a constant game of hiding it from those I care about, in order to keep those I love near me. I hate myself for this, I really do, but now it has grown so big that it appears to be an entirely separate entity, of which only those I deem my enemies have truly seen.

Yes, I have more than one enemy...I am afraid. All these enemies have come to me in the forms of my very fears as well. It is as if I am only fighting the demons on the outside, which I had refused to fight on the inside. Furthermore, I see him everywhere now. And I literally do mean everywhere: constantly taunting me with the... don't want to get too graphic here, but I guess I will never actually let you read this letter anyway -- bleeding heads of my family at the end of each of his fingers. Sometimes I question whether this is fake or not. It is hard to tell when I myself have played similar tricks on others before. Whether he really is real or not, he has been only growing stronger. Sometimes he taunts me with threats to kill your mother. I fear he will do the same with you someday. Worst of all is that there is nowhere I can go to escape him; nothing I can do to get rid of him. And I don't even know if he is real anymore! I was sure when I was younger, but maybe that too was just an illusion.

What scares me the most is the idea that he hadn't even been responsible for their deaths, but somehow, I had been. A shiver comes over me every time I even think of that. Was this all part of his plan? To make me seek revenge so strongly, and then make me question if he even exists? The thought of such an elaborate plan sickens me. As much as I would love to simply ignore this, I know from experience that I can't. I must become stronger; to protect you, to protect your mother... and to protect myself. For, if I can't do that, somebody seal me up in the dark pit of the fourth plate of reality and leave me to rot! By The Entity's blade, only I could wish to spare myself.

Where was I going with this again? Oh yeah.

I promise to you, my precious son, that I will do whatever it takes to protect you. I promise to be the best father to you I could possibly be, as I also promised to your mother to be the best husband I could ever possibly be. Just, don't look further than that. I beg of you. You will not rejoice in your findings. In order to protect your innocence, your sanity, I must not allow you in... My only wish is for you to respect that, and not push anything of me. My life, it.. it has two sides. I cannot stress this enough. I do not even know why I am talking to you as if you are actually going to read this, just DON'T! Just don't! I couldn't handle you becoming like me!.. I can't even handle the thought of you finding out... who I truly am...

I will do everything in my power to give you a fulfilling life, uninterrupted by my other life. That other side shall be treated as simply my job. Ugh.. sickening to call it that.. I promise to you right now, as you are still a little baby, not even out of the hospital yet, that I will be there for you. Ask me to go to the movies with you, I'll buy whatever candy you want. Want to play a sport, even if it isn't baseball, I'll practice until I am as good as the professionals along with you. Or maybe say you become an artist, or choose to make video games. I will do whatever I can to help you there too... Because I... care...

.....Why, why am I crying? Why? Why?! I should have finished this letter paragraphs ago, but I don't want to! I want to talk to you, son! I want to get to know you, and share my life with you! I want to hold you in my arms as I did just earlier today, and play games of hide and seek if you like... I just... I want to protect you. I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to even feel the pain that comes with loss. I don't want you to grow up scared of your own shadow, or grow up hating yourself, or grow up having to deal with thoughts you never thought would fill your mind.. I just- ....As much as I love you.. I'm scared... Don't become me.. That is all I ask. Just don't grow up to be like your father. Don't become the next Entity303.

...Please.