"We're leaving the things we lost
Leaving the ones we've crossed
I have to make an end so we begin
To save my soul at any cost"

--2014--

Waking up in James' arms is the most wonderful feeling to ever exist. It's warm and cosy and even though I can still feel the pain, most of my bruises start hurting less than yesterday. I feel him moving slightly behind me and he smiles as soon as I turn around. I give him a soft kiss on the tip of his nose and his smile gets even wider. God, I missed that damn smile. Moments like this remind me of how much James means to me. I'm aware that I sound really cheesy right now, but growing up in the Red Room was the worst and James was my light in the dark. He saved my life, really. If I hadn't been sent to work with the Winter Soldier, I would never have done the only good thing I managed to do with my life : help him. Helping him saved me. It might have been a little selfish, I know. Because as time went by, I realised that the moments I could wake him up from his Winter Soldier state...those moments made him feel as good as it did for me. It became a way of escaping my own Ruby Raven duties. I must look weird because James starts frowning. He does that little thing with his mouth while crunching his noise... God, I'm cheesy as hell.

"What are you thinking about ?" he asks in a sleepy voice.

"Nothing." I smile to convince him it's true. "I'm gonna check if Rogers has some news for us, alright ?"

"Nooo," he yawns as I roll on the other side of the bed in order to get up. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me back to him. "Stay in bed a little longer."

"James, I have to check." I giggle as he lightly tickles my hip. "I know this feels good, I do. But this won't last if we don't get out of that H.Y.D.R.A. crap. So I need to hear from Rogers."

"Why do you call him Rogers ? His name is Steve, you know."

"Yeah, but I don't know him well enough to call him by his first name." I shrug.

"But you call Natasha by her first name."

I shrug again. "I knew her before all of this. Not Rogers."

"You don't like him, do you ?" He's got that little smirk that I can't resist. I roll my eyes at the ceiling.

"It's more like he doesn't like me."

"I don't think..."

"He's just found his best friend who he thought was dead," I say. "Don't you think he only sees me as a threat ?"

"A threat to what ? Me ?"

"Yeah." I turn around and get up. I put on my shirt and try not to look sad or anything. "He thinks I'll go back to H.Y.D.R.A. Maybe he's right."

"What ?"

I hear the sound of sheets being pushed away and in a second, James is next to me, his right arm on my shoulder.

"I'm not saying I'll go back there willingly. They'll probably catch me."

"Steve and Natasha will help..."

"You. They'll help you. I made them promise that to me." I turn to face him and cup his face in my hands. He lowers his gaze so he can look me in the eyes. I feel I'm tearing up on the inside. There's no way I'm letting those tears come out. "Because if anything happens to you, I won't...I won't be able to handle it. You hear me ?"

"What if something happens to you ?" He leans in and his forehead touches mine. "Don't you think I'll feel exactly the same way ?"

"I don't care, James. You're the important one here. And I need you to promise that next time...next time they take me, you won't come back for me."

"You know I can't promise you that." He closes his eyes and his voice trembles.

"You have to. There's no hope for me anymore."

"But why ? Why couldn't you be saved ?"

"Ugh, you don't get it." I can feel my anger and melancholy building up. I don't want to take it out on him and yet his questions make me want to punch a wall. I get away from him and grab the phone Nat gave me.

"Don't get what ?" He's angry as well now. "I was there with you, y/n. You're not alone in this."

"You were brainwashed, James, for God's sake ! I did everything they told me to do and I did it willingly ! I killed people, I tortured people, innocent people and I remember all of it !" I break down and angry tears roll on my cheeks. "I remember everything," I whisper. "Now let me check on Nat and Rogers. They'll have good news, hopefully." I type in her number and she quickly picks up, cutting James off.

"Y/n, I-"

"Is that you ?" Nat asks. "God, we were waiting for your call. Are you guys safe ?"

"Yeah," I say as I look away from James. "We're still where you left us."

"Get out. You have to get out now. We've been calling you, why didn't you pick up ?"

"We were sleeping, Nat. What's-"

"Never mind. You have to go. Rumlow's on his way to get you."

My whole body shifts to combat mode as I look around me and lends an ear to any unknown noise we might hear. "I'll be careful, don't worry. No one's here yet."

"Fine, but you have to leave now. Take this phone with you but don't take anything else. We think there's a tracker in your stuff."

And with that she hangs up. I look at James with blank eyes and tell them the news. "We have to leave. Rumlow will be here in a minute. Don't take anything with you."

"But we-"

"Let's go."

I put the phone in my jacket and put on my hoodie. I give James his baseball cap and he puts it on with a confused look.

"We have to be fast."

"Were are we going ?" He asks.

"I don't know. We run as far as we can."

"Y/n, you can't run."

"I'll do my best. Now go."

I open the door and starts walking fast down the hallway. We don't come across anybody and we get out of the building quite easily. Too easily. We walk fast in the streets until we reach a place where we won't be seen. We take all the back alleys and all the dark streets as we run as fast as we can. James is a few steps ahead of me and he keeps looking back to make sure I'm still there. My stomach starts hurting and I press it with my hand. The pains goes away for a moment but it comes back as soon as I remove my hand. Shit. We're in another dark alley when someone hits me on the back of my head. I gasp and shout so James can run away from whoever caught me. Except he doesn't. He comes back towards me and punches the man behind me in the face. I get up quickly despite the pain I'm in. Rumlow is standing in front of us, clenching his fits, eyes sparkling with rage.

"You betrayed us." He looks at me. "How did you fight the Winter Soldier ?"

"I won't tell you."

"You'll be punished, y/l/n. You know that. So why ?"

"I couldn't save my sister from your twisted actions, but you can be damn sure I'll save him."

"You're too confident for your own good."

He tries to hit me again but I duck and avoid his punch. I hit him in the legs but he gets up so fast that I don't even see his next hit coming. I fall to the ground and I'm not strong enough to get up. I touch my shirt and I notice I'm bleeding again. My stitches jumped and it hurts even more than before.

"Don't you dare touch her again." James goes for him and pins him down. Rumlow can't get up, James is too strong. I think we won. Did we just win this ? I let my head rest on the floor, relieved. That's when I hear Russian. Rumlow's speaking Russian and I know these words too well.

"No," I say. "No, don't do that..." I try to get on my feet but I fall back almost instantly.

"желаниe. pжавый."

I try to crawl but I'm too slow. I start crying.

"семнадцать. рассвет. Печь."

As Rumlow starts quoting all of the Winter Soldier's trigger words, I can see James' face twitching.

"What's happening ?" He stutters.

"Девять. Доброкачественные. Возвращение домой. грузовой вагон."

And that's it. With an angry and painful scream, James is gone. The Winter Soldier is here. I can see it in the way he graciously gets up. He's slow and dominated by Rumlow's words. He gets up and shakes the dirt off his clothes.

"Listen to me, Soldier. That woman over there..." He points at me and the Winter Soldier looks at me. James is gone and so is the love in his eyes. All I can see now is blankness and compliance. "She's your new assignment."

"What do you want me to do ?"

"You bring her back to us."

"Dead or alive ?"

Rumlow locks eyes with me. "Dead." He only has to speak one word and the Winter Soldier walks to me. I crawl on my elbows and try to speak but I can only cry. "James, don't do this." I back down and my head hits a wall. "N-newspapers. Rogers. How-" He slaps me with the back of his metal arms. A buzzing sound fills my ears and everything gets blurry. I touch my mouth and feel the dampness of fresh blood. Another hit in the face. It's blurry but I can see his fist coming at me one more time. It's so close to my face now and I seem to live everything in slow motion. There's a flash of red and blue and I'm confused : I didn't feel the hit. A hand pushes me back against the wall. That's when I recognise the shield : Rogers just saved my ass.

"Bucky, stop." I hear him grunt.

Someone places their arms under my shoulders and lifts me up. I probably got myself a swollen eye because everything looks weird.

"C'mon, we'll get you to safety."

"N-Nat ?"

"Yes, can you walk ?"

I don't have to answer : my legs fold underneath me and Natalia picks me up. I have no idea how she does that, but she completely lifts me up and puts me in a car. "No," I say through the tears. "James is..."

"Steve will take care of him. C'mon."

I try to protest again but I feel the car going away and everything turns to black.

***

"So he's gone ?"

It's been three days now. My wounds are still painful and Nat won't let me leave this hospital room.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, y/n."

I look at Rogers, sitting in the corner of the room. He looks devastated. Nat is sitting next to my bed and she looks at me with sad eyes.

"You have no idea where he is ?"

"No. He saved Steve when he nearly drowned and then...he left."

I give Rogers a quick look. He closes his eyes and sighs heavily. I kind of feel sorry for him.

"Do you want something ? Water ? Food ?" Nat asks.

"If you have vodka in your bag..." She gives me a disappointed look. "Just kidding. Water sounds good."

She gets up and leaves the room. So does Rogers but I call him back.

"Please," I say when he hesitates. He sits quietly where Nat was sitting a minute before. "I need your help, Rogers."

"What do you want me to do ? There's no bringing him back. If you'd just seen him when I tried to bring him back, he..."

"I know." I don't know why but I place my hand on top of his. "I know what it looks like. But hear me out, okay ?"

He lifts his eyes and they meet mine. They're filled with sadness and it breaks my heart in two.

"He spent a lot more time as himself as he usually do," I whisper. "It must have done something to him. Maybe he'll... I'm pretty sure he got away from H.Y.D.R.A. If you let me go, I'll..."

"You can't leave. Not like this."

"What if I told you I could find him ?"

Rogers' eyes sparkle with hope. It quickly fades away, though.

"I don't believe you."

"Steve," I say in a voice that's begging at this point. "You can't keep me here. They'll come for me. I'm putting you all in danger. I know you hate me, alright, and I understand why. You're right not to trust me. I'm just one of H.Y.D.R.A.'s puppets. But you can trust me about this one thing : I'd do anything when it comes to James. I know you'd do the same."

He locks eyes with me and frown. I can tell he's considering letting me go. He sighs and gets up. He opens a bag and tosses me some clothes.

"Get changed. I'll keep Nat busy. I don't want you here when we come back." He walks to the door.

"Hey," I call out before he leaves. He turns around.

"What ?"

"Thank you."

He shrugs. "Whatever." He leaves me alone and I'm not saying I wish he'd told me he didn't hate me but... I did. He's James' closest friend. If he doesn't approve of me... I shake my head as I get dressed. Now is not the time to think about that. We might never meet again anyway. I find a pen and some paper and write a note for Nat. She deserves a proper goodbye. As I leave the hospital, I gave it one last look, then I head off. Time to leave for good.

I'm sorry, Nat, for what it's worth. But I can't live with the thought of James being alone out there. I'm going to find him or die trying. He's the only one who made me feel better about myself. I've got to wipe the red in my ledger. I believe you'll understand. Thank you, Natasha, and even though that probably doesn't mean a lot to you anymore... I'm proud of you. You became a good person. Trust me on this. I hope to see you again.