"We can't look back for nothin'
Take what you need say your goodbyes
I gave you everything
And it's a beautiful crime"

--1989--

I've been working with the Winter Soldier for a while now. They even gave me a name : the Ruby Raven. I have to admit it sounds pretty cool ; well, that's what I tell myself to take my mind off what brought me here in the first place.

"What if I don't want to work with him ?"

Of course I asked. I want to delay the moment I'lI have to kill someone again as late as possible. It was already hard enough in the Red Room.

"Then your sister will pay the price, to see if that motivates you."

That'd teach me a lesson. Never ask questions, never disobey. Therefore, I started working with him. It was weird at first but eventually, we became the most efficient killers in the world, so efficient people thought of us as a myth, something that couldn't possibly exist. But we were real, damn yeah we were. He could still speak English as the Winter Soldier so he understood the conversations around him. It took me a while to figure out who he really was, who was locked up in the Winter Soldier's mind. Something about him obsessed me : you'd have to be completely stupid not to see someone was struggling under the cold surface. I have that chance that H.Y.D.R.A. trusts me because they know they can control me thanks to my sister. They know I'm harmless when it comes to them. That's what helped me finding out about James Buchanan Barnes. When I read in the files that he was enhanced with the same serum as me, something clicked inside me. We were connected, in a way. What monster would I be if I didn't help him ? I found all his trigger words and I even saw his activation once. It was awful. He was fighting against it so hard that you could see the pain in his eyes. I started watching him every day, looking for a way of getting him out of this. And I did. We were waiting for our assignment that day and one of the agents was talking to us.

"Try not being seen. We don't want your face in the newspaper."

The Winter Soldier's face twitched slightly and hope shot through my mind. When we were alone, I decided to give it a shot.

"Newspaper."

"What ?"

"Newspaper."

"Stop."

His eyes glitch and I swear I see someone else behind them.

"Rogers." I start saying all the words I read in his files, all the words he could probably recognise, everything James Barnes could be emotionally attached to. "Howling Commando. Shield. Stev-"

He grabs my arms and slams me against the wall. He breathes heavily on my face and even though I'm surprised, I'm not scared. I look him in the eyes.

"Stop this."

"Fine." I smile internally. I know this can work, and I'll get everything ready for the day it eventually does. When I come back to my room, I rearrange everything. It's not really hard to make it look old : the furniture's already old and the walls look yellow from all the people who've been here. It's perfect. I'm gonna wake James Barnes up.

--2014--

I can't believe I'm out of that place. I take the fresh air in and I start running as fast as I can. Where the hell can he be ? I know the places where he likes to hide but it takes longer than I expected. I'm not the one who finds him, actually. I'm walking in a clearing and I sit on the ground, losing hope already.

"You came back."

His voice is cold and harsh. Like he's not happy to see me. Well, the Winter Soldier is never happy to see me. He's never happy to see anyone.

"Yes."

"Did you accomplish the mission ?"

I look him in the eyes. "No." I sigh heavily and pat his shoulders. He looks at my hands suspiciously but he doesn't push them away. "We got more important things to do. If you'll follow me..."

"What do we have to do ?"

"Find a better hiding spot. C'mon, don't you think they'll search the woods ? I know a place."

He follows me and we arrive back in town. I look at his arm and his face and...well, everyone knows what he looks like now. I take a cloth out of the bag Natasha gave me. "Put this on your shoulders," I say. I also hand him a cap. "And hide your face." I place my own cap on my head and I lead him into town. We quickly find the building I was looking for. If I believe what Natasha told me, then we'll be able to hide there. I can only hope this isn't a trap. We climb the stairs and when we finally arrive at the apartment 413, I realise the key she gave me fits perfectly. I open the door and the place isn't as dirty and abandoned as I thought it would be. I let James in and I lock the door behind him.

"How did you know this place ?"

"It doesn't matter. Come here."

"The mission..."

"No. We need to rest. I've been running for hours and I want to sit for a while. Maybe eat something." I give him a cereal bar I got from the bag. Natasha really wants to help James, then. "C'mon, it's not poison." I roll my eyes and he takes it. He starts eating and I know this is my chance.

"Newspaper."

He looks back at me and shake his head. "Don't."

"Rogers. Howling commando."

"I said stop."

"Shield. Train."

He closes his eyes and clenches his fists. He's about to get up but I sit on his lap and block his arms. God, I hate this.

"Steve."

I repeat the sequence over and over, gradually faster. After a few minutes I feel less tension in his body and I allow myself to relax. I hide my face in his neck and when I feel his arms around my waist, I know James is back. Which means I'm gonna have to tell him the truth. I pull away from him.

"Y/n ? What happened ?" He asks as he looks at me. "Why are you crying ? And...where are we ?"

I shake my head and he stays quiet. He places his hand on my cheek. He blinks a few times. He always feels tired when he wakes up like this.

"Please, talk to me."

"I lied." I let out the ugliest sob ever. "I'm so sorry. I thought it would help and I guess it did but...you have to know the truth and I don't know how you're gonna take it and-"

"Hey, calm down. Just start at the beginning."

"Okay." I take a deep breath in. "We're not in the forties anymore." I realise this might not be the best place to start and I sigh in frustration. How am I going to do this ? "God, I'm gonna freak you out," I say, "and that's the last thing I want."

"What's going on, y/n ?"

I can feel his hands shaking a little on my waist.

"You're not gonna like this, James." I feel tears rolling on my face again and I do nothing to stop them. Instead, I tell him the whole story from the beginning. "Do you remember the day you fell off that train ?" He nods slightly. "The S.S.R. didn't find you. H.Y.D.R.A. did."

He closes his eyes. "No. Please, tell me I'm just having a bad dream."

"I'm so sorry." I wipe a tear away from his face.

"Can you...can you go on ?"

I nod and try to think about what I should say next. "They made you this new arm and they locked you up. The reason you survived that fall... It's because Zola had already injected you the serum."

"What serum ?"

"A replica of the one that turned Steve Rogers into Captain America."

"Steve," he whispered. "Is he..."

"He's alive."

"But what year is it ?"

"It's 2014. I know," I add as he looks at me with wide eyes. "The serum makes it almost impossible to age. We're not immortal, but..."

"We ? So you're...like him ?"

"Well, kind of."

"Y/n, why do I not remember anything ? All I can think of is you taking care of me and... I really thought we were still..."

"I know. That was the point."

"You wanted me to believe that lie ?" His hands start leaving my waist and I grab them both. I don't want to lose him. Not like this. I hold his hands and I kiss them before I keep talking.

"What they did to you... I don't know. Something in me couldn't bare to see you like that."

"How ?"

"They brainwashed you. They have trigger words that...that turn you in the Winter Soldier. He's H.Y.D.R.A.'s creation. They knew you were strong enough to support the serum effects and that's why they kept you alive. When I found a way to make you snap out of it, I... I thought I could give you some freedom. It's not much but at least you got to be James again. You weren't locked up in your own head anymore. Do you remember anything from the time you were him ?"

"No, I told you, I don't remember anything. W-what did I do ?" His eyes are filled with fear and I don't know if I should tell him.

"I- I don't know if..."

"I can handle it." He brushes my doubts away and his fingers find their way back to my chin. "I trust you and you know me, don't you ?"

I nod. I take a deep breath in. "We killed, James. We killed people."

"Were they innocent ?"

"Most of them were. We...we killed Howard and Maria Stark."

He gulps and shakes his head. There's so much he wants to say, I can tell. But he won't. Instead, he asks me something else.

"How did they convince you to work for them ? To work with me ?"

"First of all, they convinced me to work with the Winter Soldier. I want you to know that he's not you. Got it ? And well, they didn't have much to do. I- I was trained since I was fourteen in a place called the Red Room. It was..." I look away from him. "It wasn't easy. They found me after my parents died in an explosion they'd caused. They captured my sister and that's...but I don't have any excuses. I'm pretty sure she's dead by now."

"This isn't your fault."

"It is. I'm responsible for my actions. You're...helping you was the only good thing I could do in this world." He sighs and pulls me closer to him. I hide my face in his neck and I'm already covering his shirt with tears. I sob loudly and I can feel him sobbing too. We stay there for a few minutes and when he finally pulls away, he looks at me and all I can see in his eyes is the same look of love he used to give me. "I thought... I thought you'd hate me after this."

"What ? Y/n, I could never..." He kisses my lips. "We'll get through this, right ? Together."

I nod once more and we lay down on the couch. I cuddle up next to him and I quickly fall asleep, tired by all the running. When I wake up, James's eyes are on me and a sad smile is on his face.

"Hi, there."

"Hi," I answer. "You okay ?"

"Well, I'm still...processing what you told me. I can't help but feel like it's...you know ? Like it's my fault."

I place my hand on his cheek. "It's not. Trust me."

"I trust you. I just... I hate this arm now. I can only think that it killed people I knew and..."

"It's okay. I'll...I'll ask Natasha to get Tony to build you a new one when your name is cleared."

"Tony ?"

"Tony Stark."

"He's..."

"Their son."

"He'll never forgive me. Steve won't either." The realisation hits him hard and I hug him tight.

"Steve and Natasha will explain the situation to him. H.Y.D.R.A.'s guilty. Not James Buchanan Barnes."

"I hope you're right."

"I am. Rogers would do anything to clear your name."

"You mean ours."

"I'm not getting cleared anytime soon, James. I was fully conscious the whole time. But it's okay. I'll go to Italy or Romania."

"I can't let you do that on your own."

"You belong with Rogers. You know that." I close my eyes because I know, deep in my heart, that Rogers will do anything to keep James by inside, including throwing me under the bus. And boy, was I right.