"We fight every night for something
When the sun sets we're both the same
Half in the shadows
Half burned in flames"

--February, 1988--

  "Today's the day."

  I lift up my chin and look away from that woman. "I know." At least I still remember today's my eighteenth birthday.

  "Graduating at last."

  "Just get it done already."

  Two men take me away to a cold room that smells like sanitiser. I'm already wearing a hospital gown and I know damn well what's coming for me. They're going to prevent me from ever being distracted. Because spies and soldiers can't love, can they ? And if they have kids...they'll be distracted, and that can't happen. Never. I'm not saying I'm not scared. Believe me : I am. It all happens so fast. I don't even see it coming. They place a mask on my mouth and like that, within a second, I'm asleep. I'm asleep and they can do whatever they want to me. I wake up a few house later. My stomach hurts like hell. I knew it was painful. I mean how could it not be ? I feel empty. I tear up a little when the director comes in. She looks as cold as usual but I can see something else in her eyes. Something that wasn't there before the operation.

  "Does it hurt ?" She asks, and I can see her evil grin.

  "Not really," I lie.

  "Good, because I need you to do something for me."

  "What is it ?"

  "Have you ever heard about the Winter Soldier ?"

  "Of course I have. Isn't he like, I don't know, a myth ?"

  The woman chuckles, sending shivers down my spine. God, this woman scares the shit out of me.

  "He's not a myth. You're meeting him today."

  "What ? Why ?"

  "Your graduation is not completely over. There is one more thing left to do."

  "What is it ?"

   "The Winter Soldier needs a partner. And we chose you."

  "Me ? Why me ? I'm not..."

  "You are strong enough, trust me. Or at least you will be."

  "Do I need to train more ?"

  "Oh no. You have achieved more in four years with us than everyone has achieved in a lifetime." She chuckles again. "You could say we are giving you a gift."

  I fear this even more because I know for sure that the Red Room doesn't do gifts. What they do is sending young girls to fight all kinds of men. You never see them coming. I should know by now. She tells me to get up and to follow her. I tried to ignore the pain, the excruciating pain that's burning my whole body. I walk up to another chair that doesn't look a tiny bit more comfortable than last one. I can't help but sigh as I sit where I'm told. There are all kinds of machines around me. I try my best not to care about them. They are other doctors, different from the ones who performed the surgery. I see them preparing needles filled with a liquid that I can't recognise. One of them approaches me with a needle. He straps my arms to the armrests and I start getting the point. That liquid is for me, even though I have no idea what's in it. So I ask.

  "What is this ?"

  "It'll make you strong," says the man. "Trust me." I'm not sure this is a good idea but I don't do anything to defend myself. I just let him do his thing and when he gently taps on the needle, I gulp nervously. He inserts the needle in one of the many tubes that are linked to all these machines and when he's done, he connects them to me. The pain comes suddenly like a raging fire. It hurts so much I might pass out. And when I finally do, it's only relief.

--2014--

  "C'mon Nat, are you sure ?"

  Steve's voice wakes me up in the middle of the night. Or at least I believe it's night time : that's quite hard to tell when you don't have any window to look through. I make my way to the door quietly and try to catch the rest of the conversation.

  "You said she was a myth," Steve says. I can tell he's not believing what he's hearing.

  "Yeah, I also said that about the Winter Soldier and yet here we are. I'm positive, Steve. That's her. She's the Ruby Raven and you won't convince me otherwise."

  Oh shit. Shit shit shit. I grab my head and almost pull all my hair out when I hear them coming closer to my cell. How could Natalia tell them who I am ? I mean, I helped her in the past, even though she barely remembers that. I run to my bed and pretend to be asleep when Steve and Natalia come in.

  "Wake up."

  "Shit, that early ?"

  "It's three p.m."

  Steve raises his eyebrows at me. God, I want to punch him. My eyes travel to Natalia. I feel weirdly betrayed as she asks me to follow her in a cold voice. I soon find myself in the same interrogation room as the yesterday and Natasha shuts the door on Steve. He looks disappointed and upset but he lets her do her thing. So she has control over him, it seems.

  "Man, that Rogers guy follows your orders."

  "He doesn't. But you should."

  "You know, I'm impressed at how far you've come," I say, knowing that bringing up the Red Room is going to trigger her mind as much as it triggers mine. "I'm both proud and disappointed, Natalia."

  She slams her hands on the table and locks eyes with me. I almost forgot her piercing green eyes and their way of making you want to spill your darkest secrets. I knew the trick, though. She got it from me. Every single girl in the Red Room did.

  "So that's why you looked familiar," she says. "You were trained in the Red Room. But why can't I remember training with you ?"

  She seems genuinely confused. "Because you can't,"I begin. "As you said, I'm a myth."

  "So you are the Ruby Raven."

  I raise an eyebrow and show her my most perfect playful grin. "The one and only." I guess I might as well play that card now.

  "How old are you ?" she asks. "If you weren't one of us, then you must be older. I wouldn't've heard about you otherwise. But you look..."

  "Young ?" I know. "That's one of the good things about all of this."

  I look away for the shortest second but she notices. She doesn't bring it up.

  "How ?"

  "Super-soldier serum. Just like Rogers and James."

  It's her turn to look away now. She's still confused and finally sits next to me.

  "Why do I know your face ?"

  "I trained you, for God's sake. You think you got that piercing look or whatever out of thin air ?" I'm almost spitting my words and I'm surprised at my own anger. "You might've got out of that fucking Red Room, but I'm the one who gave you everything you have. Without us, you're nothing."

  I can almost see what my words are doing to her but she's too good at hiding emotions to know for sure. I don't even know why I'm so angry. Actually, I do : she got out. I didn't.

  "You could've left," she says and for the first time since I'm locked up in here, I feel empathy in her voice.

  "You know it wasn't an option. I needed to..." I pause.

  "To what ?"

  "Never mind." I couldn't leave because that meant leaving James behind. He deserved the few moments of lucidity and dreamy life I gave him. Depriving him from those was out of the picture and knowing he's out there all alone... I shake my head.

  "Y/l/n, you have to tell us. We want to help him."

  "No. You want to kill him."

  "Steve would never..."

  "How can you know what your national hero or whatever would or wouldn't do ?" Anger is trying to get a hold of me again. "You need to let me go. I'm the only one he'll trust and I'm the only one who actually know how to help him."

  "We can't do that." She's stilling looking right into my eyes. "We can't know for sure you won't go back to H.Y.D.R.A. or reset Bucky's mind or..."

  "God, Natalia, I-"

  "It's Natasha."

  "Whatever. I'm the only one who can stop him from resetting, don't you get that ?"

  She leans back a bit and I can see my words startled her. She doesn't want to believe me.

  "Trust me when I tell you James is still there."

  "And you can bring him back ?"

  "Yes. I know how. We just need to keep him safe from H.Y.D.R.A." God, I'm being too cooperative. What happened to my determination about not saying anything ? I guess Natal- Natasha still has that effect on me. She's special and I knew it from her first days in the Red Room. She's one of a kind and hadn't she left with Barton all those years ago... She might've turned into me. And then she says something that startles me even more.

  "And what about you ?"

  "You'll never hear of me again, I promise."

  She gulps. "I meant...how will we keep you safe ?"

  "Oh. That." I look away. How can she care about me after the things I said ? After I trained her ? This is-

  "I remember you now," she says, interrupting my thoughts. "The trainings. The interrogation techniques, the tricks, the leg kicks." She stops for a moment before telling me what she clearly remembers. "The day I graduated."

  And then I say something that I'm not sure I actually mean but it's coming right out of my chest and then out of my mind before I can stop it.

  "I'm sorry."

  She looks up and her eyes go red. She pulls herself back together and look away from me.

  "There's nothing to be sorry for."

  "Yeah, maybe you're right." I sigh. "But I could've helped you that day and I didn't."

  "That's how it worked in the Red Room, y/l/n, we both know that."

  "Yeah, it was."

  We don't talk for a few seconds, maybe even a few minutes. I can feel my feet tapping the ground impatiently.

  "You have to let me go," I say. "I'm almost begging you, Natal- Natasha. There is no other option."

  She seems to think for a moment and I can tell she doesn't totally agree with what she's about to do. She's hesitating.

  "Fine. But we're doing this tonight and you'd better be far away when I tell Steve about this. He'll try to catch you and bring James back on his own."

  I nod and thank her with a look. Then I smile.

  "He's got one hell of an ego, doesn't he ?"

  "Sometimes. He does when it comes to saving his closest friends."

  "James could never shut up about Steve." I chuckle almost as a reflex, thinking about James's ranting over Steve and picking up fights in back alleys. I shake my head again before I look at Natasha. "I'll bring him back," I say. "I'll bring him back, whatever it takes."