"Each step I left behind
Each road you know is mine
Walking on the line ten stories highSay you'll still be by my side"

--December 16, 1991--

"Hey, James," I say in a soft voice. "Finally awake ?"

He smiles to me. Man, I would do anything just to see that smile on his face. I know the Winter Soldier as an important assignment tonight and I want James to have his free time. I know this isn't right and I shouldn't do it. But what kind of monster would I be if I didn't let him ? I have the opportunity to do it, so why the hell not ?

"I didn't know you were coming today. Is Steve around ?"

"No, he's not. He's at Peggy's."

"Oh, I guess we don't need to wait for him, then." James smiles again and I can see him leaning in for a hug right after sitting up. He squeezes me in his arms a little too hard and I gasp.

"Sorry," he quickly says. "I'm still not used to it." He pulls away and looks at his metal arm. "I gotta say... Howard did a great job with this one."

I bite the inside of my cheek and try not to give out anything. This is James's time as James Buchanan Barnes. God, it only gets harder with time. I look around my room and wonder how much time I can keep lying to him like this. The old record-player, my old decoration... Everything is old to make him believe he survived the war. Well, he did. But he doesn't have to know he only woke up to do H.Y.D.R.A.'s dirty work.

"I made dinner for us while you were sleeping."

"Is it time for dinner already ?" he asks, confused. "Wow, I feel like I slept through the whole day." He laughs and it warms my heart instantly. These moments make him so happy : how could I ever stop ? But as I put roast beef on our plates, all I can think about is our next mission. It'll break him, I know it. If he...when he gets out of here and recovers, he'll probably be told about it. And it'll break him.

"Hey, everything okay ?" he asks. I can tell his brows are furrowed and his mouth is doing that cute little thing it always does when he's worried. I feel his arms wrapping around my waist as he kisses my neck.

"I'm fine," I say.

"It's your sister, isn't it ?"

I totally freeze. Telling him about her was a bad idea, but he was the only one I could talk to. Even though he didn't know the truth, it felt good, letting out the pain.

"Yeah. She hasn't come back and I...I don't think she will."

He doesn't say anything and kisses my cheek before sitting down in front of me. He lights up a candle and grabs my hand on top of the table.

"I'm right here if you need to talk, you know that."

"Yeah, I do." I nod quickly before I start eating. I try to change the subject and when his mind seems to be off my sister's mysterious disappearance, the atmosphere is light and breezy again. James smiles and laughs and tells me how beautiful I look tonight. I blush and smile and try not to cry. After dinner, he grabs my hand and pulls me close to him. He kisses my lips softly and presses his forehead against mine.

"Dinner was delicious," he said with a grin. I smile because I know what's coming and he starts kissing down my neck. "And so are you."

I giggle and as I lie down on my bed, I hug him tight even though he keeps trying to take off my shirt.

"C'mon, James," I sigh. "I have to get to work early in the morning."

"So what ?"

"I don't want you to keep me up all night again !"

"I'm that good, huh ?" He grins like a boy and I shake my head laughing. I cuddle up next to him and hide my face against his chest. That way, he can't see me crying. God, I hate doing this. These few stolen moments of happiness are wonderful, but I'm not really fond of what always follows them. I have to give him back to them. I have to. I'm fluent in Russian but James isn't. The Winter Soldier is. That's why James always looks so confused when I have to do this. And when he wakes up, he doesn't remember me or our time together. This isn't even the hardest part.

"желаниe. pжавый. семнадцать. рассвет. Печь. Девять. Доброкачественные. Возвращение домой. грузовой вагон." When I speak the last trigger word, it's like James is gone. And I know he is asleep in his own head, and it kills me. When the Winter Soldier wakes up, he quietly gets up and doesn't even look at me as he walks away. I'm his mission partner and that's all he needs to know. That's all I was supposed to know. I wipe my tears away and put on my uniform. It's time to go. Time to go finish our mission. Tonight, it's time to kill Howard and Maria Stark.

***

First part of a new story ! I told myself I would stick to short stories but...well, this won't won't be long but it's too long to be only on my Instagram account (xsebnbuckystanx). I chose to write his trigger words in Russian and I hope it's accurate. They translate to :
Longing (желаниe)
Rusted (pжавый)
Seventeen (семнадцать)
Daybreak (рассвет)
Furnace (Печь)
Nine (Девять)
Benign (Доброкачественные)
Homecoming (Возвращение домой)
One (Один)
Freight car (грузовой вагон)

I hope it's good and you like it !!

- Céline