How've you been?

I guess you're fine...

I look at you and you don't even care to smile.

You don't try to make this easier for me.

You just sit there, acting like I didn't exist, talking to your friends who you know are so toxic towards me and... you don't care...? I thought you wanted me to be happy but now I see you're probably doing more than just alright without me.

It's been pretty long since we've last seen.

Whenever I look at you, you're not there. You became just somebody I used to know. The person staring at me with so much disgust, hate and... I don't even know what is that poison behind your irises... I don't know you anymore.

Not seeing each other felt like eternity to me yet now that I'm sitting next to you, looking at the daggers flying from your eyes, I can't help but feel like I've never really seen you.

Was it all fake? Had I spent those seventeen months of my life running after a cruel illusion?

I don't know...

However, I now regret all those "I love you"s. All those nice actions and words because the way you're treating me now... I'm afraid how long has this been going on with me simply lying to myself.

Honestly, throughout my life...

Deep inside I never felt alive...

You knew about my problems, I trusted you enough to tell you about them. And it scares me to think about it all now. I'm worried.

Worried because you were the spark that gave me back my life.

Does this mean you didn't want the best for me?

Now you're talking about it all aloud, knowing way too well it makes me feel uncomfortable. I try to make you speak in a lower voice yet you give me that look and...

I know you're doing it all on purpose.

Just please... tell me...

Why?

The way you used to touch my soul was always so sweet and lovely.

All your hugs, touches, the way you held my hand or kissed my head before leaving the class,... Was it all just a game to you?

If yes, I at least hope you enjoyed it.

Because you made all my trauma come back. All my issues... I was fighting them so well and now they're coming back. Maybe they're not here fully yet but I know that the moment I tell you those words, they won't hesitate to go and haunt me down.

No matter how far apart we were, you'd always pick up the phone.

I texted you late at night, throughout the day,... it didn't matter. You'd always respond. Maybe right away, maybe few hours later,... but you would.

However, things changed.

Guess you really don't care about me anymore.

And now I'm truly all alone in this world.

I hope you do realise that you were the only person I had at school.

Don't worry though-

Funny... Like you did.

Anyways, I started talking to our classmates. I became closer with them and now they're trying to support me as I'm trying to leave you and those two friends of yours behind. Even that one guy who I thought hated me was so nice to me when I told him I needed to move away.

Are you jealous? Is that why you hate me now?

I miss the way you felt so close to my bones.

The nights we would fall asleep hugging. There sadly weren't many but... there still were some and they felt so nice and warm. They made me fall asleep with a smile on my lips.

Even when you weren't physically there, I'd hug you before closing my eyes, sinking deep into the land of dreams and phantasies.

You probably never meant the messages about how you wanted me next to you...

I'm sinking in the deep end.

I'll just try to cry myself to sleep.

It's been pretty long since I've cried for the last time. Yet thanks to you... Well, you should congratulate yourself, that's for sure. You made me cry so much, hurt so much, blame myself for everything,...

Is it really my fault?

Please stop this pain.

I always thought people were making it up, trying to make it sound so terrible, huge, dramatic.

"Heartbreak hurts so much."

Well, now I know that it really does.

I'm clutching my shirt as I feel my heart shatter into small pieces.

The pain is almost unbearable, it makes me wanna scream, I'm losing my mind, tears are falling down my cheeks, the ones whose chubbiness I thought you liked and...

You probably don't even care.

If you hadn't changed then I'd still be by your side.

If I gave you one more chance...

Can we go back again?

Maybe...

Maybe...

One more chance won't kill me... right?

Maybe you're really going through some bad times. Maybe your mom's being mean to you again. Maybe you don't mean any of this.

Maybe...

Maybe you still care...?

You made me feel as if we were complete.

Us holding hands, your lips on mine, our laughter and the way we'd always sing and dance no matter the people around us,... I felt so free with you, like there were no boundaries, nothing mattered besides us.

You felt like my second half.

I felt so empty before you.

And now that you're after me...

I feel like an empty space with no walls to hold me together. I feel like nothing.

But now you're filled with nothing but conceit.

Your eyes, your face, your posture,... They're not as beautiful and nice as they used to be.

You're trying your best to push me away. I know it, I see it all.

However, I just can't stop wondering...

Did it all mean nothing to you?

Do I mean nothing to you?

The times we had together were bittersweet.

We told each other we'd stay friends after this is over. That was the only thing we set as a rule when stepping into this mistake.

I of course knew it'd have to end.

University is near but I really hoped we'd last till we graduate and part ways after that.

It was bittersweet but at least I had someone to hold when I was cold, someone to pull me up when I fell down,...

Bittersweet...

Bitter... and sweet... Don't these two actually collide with each other?

I guess it all was just nonsense after all...

I miss the days we used to love and heal.

When we were kissing on my bed or on that bench or the peck in the middle of the cafeteria when I needed to leave to catch the bus,... When we were talking about stuff that we found interesting, contemplating about life, singing together, having fun, laughing,...

I still remember those moments and they still warm my heart.

Guess I should forget them now.

Because it seems like you had done so long ago already.

Love...

Did you ever love me though?

I remember how you went stiff in my arms the first time I said those words.

"That's why I love you."

I thought it just caught you off guard.

But after a while, you started leaning away. Whether it was after I said that sweet phrase again or when I tried to kiss you, when I wanted to hold your hand,...

I still remember how you laughed so much after I looked so sad when you pretended like you wanted to interweave your fingers with mine just to grab my bottle and drink out of it. I still remember how hurt I was when I told you I didn't find it funny and you still kept on laughing.

Never did I think I could hate your laugh.

And heal...

I always gained energy from simply sitting next to you, seeing you or greeting you. You were my life, the spark that'd wake me up whenever and wherever.

And then that one evening came.

I already knew we were off. I had a name's day that weekend and you hadn't even texted me. I was sick the week before and you wouldn't even ask me how was I doing. It was only me being curious about your broken finger and even then you'd have problems responding.

And as we were standing on that bus stop...

Gosh, I feel the cold on my skin again, the dagger made of ice stabbing my heart over and over and over and over and over again...

We did talk a little when walking there yet the moment we stopped, you pulled out your phone and didn't even spare me one glance. You acted like I wasn't there. When I walk passed you because the wind was strong and I wanted to hide myself behind a wall...

You didn't look up, you didn't move, you didn't do anything.

I was standing there, watching your back, trying my best not to break down and I swear time was never moving so slow when I was around you. I opened my mouth a few times, wanting to say it.

"Let's end this."

"It's pointless anyways."

Yet I still wanted to believe.

And I still considered not sitting next to you.

I did though. Hoping... I don't even know what for. You holding my hand again? You smiling at me again? You talking to me again?

I was so naïve.

You turned away and when I got up to leave...

I looked at you and there it was once again... Your eyes were so dark and cold and they were filled with so much hate that I barely creaked out that small: "Bye," before walking to the door. I was trying my best to hold back the tears that were just about to spill. I'm sure everybody else saw. I noticed the people watching me as I tried to hide myself in the scarf, hoping I wouldn't break right then and there.

And I did manage to hold it all back. Until I was in my bed, earphones on, tears silently streaming from my eyes.

I knew it was over and I felt so stupid for lying to myself, hurting myself so much for... I guess only you know how long has it been since our moments stopped being healing.

The way you used to touch my soul had always kept me whole.

That night, I was falling asleep feeling your hand slipping away from mine. I knew you hadn't been there for some time though. That realisation almost made me break down fully.

You'd always read my texts and ghost me like you wanted me gone.

Is that why you wouldn't respond to my messages? Is that why you'd only read them, not reacting to any?

When you said you didn't feel alright, I asked what was going on and you responded with: "I don't really wanna talk about it now." I let you know that I would always be there for you and...

The only thing I got in response was "read."

Now I recall the times when you'd do the same thing and it makes me wonder yet again...

How long?

Please, just tell me.

Because this is driving me crazy.

Now I'm truly all alone in this world.

I miss the way you felt so close to my bones.

Even though I miss your touch, I still try to sit as far away from you as possible.

There are days when you try to scoot closer and I...

It's hard to resist you. Because sometimes you act like we were alright. Like I weren't crying every night, like I hadn't been trying to figure you out. You smile, talk to me and I feel something in myself breaking yet sticking itself together at the same time. It doesn't even make sense...

Just tell me what you want finally.

I'm sinking in the deep end.

The tears are slowly disappearing and the numbness I've always feared is coming back, filling my chest more and more every minute.

The worst thing is that only my mom and my two friends know. Of course, our classmates must've figured it all out by now but... I still feel so alone.

I'm sinking deep into my insecurities and you're not here to pull me out of them anymore. No, you're even pushing me deeper, holding my throat as I'm drowning in these dark waters, swallowing it when trying to hold myself up, taking another breath just to cough before you make me sink more into it all.

I'd love to see at least one good thing in this but I know way too well I won't be able to love someone again for a long while now. I'll be scared, hiding my feelings in the black depths of myself because I'm afraid of this happening to me every other time.

Maybe you never cared. And that's why you wouldn't tell me and rather hurt me like this.

I'll just try to cry myself to sleep.

Tears are filling my eyes again. And there I was, thinking I already ran out of them, being sure I got over you.

Seems like it'll take some more time.

Please stop this pain.

The thoughts you've freed me from are here again. I'm surrounded and they're touching me, seeping under my skin, getting into my head. I know you're not worth it but I'm still afraid.

I have to cover the scars not to get reminded of it all.

If you hadn't changed then I'd still be by your side.

If you hadn't started acting like a coward, behaving like a little child that can't stand up to fight its own problems, would we at least have been friends now?

You know... I can't see ourselves that way anymore.

If I gave you one last chance...

Can we go back again?

Yet... there is still that last spark of hope that also makes me worry.

What if you say something and it makes me fall for you again? Will we really try or is it gonna hurt me in the end anyways?

I still hope it's only you being hurt now.

Honestly, without you in my life...

When you're not here, I don't know how to feel.

I threw so much stuff out yet there is that one thing that can't be thrashed away just like that.

My love towards you.

Deep inside I never felt alive.

No matter how much I hate it, how much pain it brings, how numb do I feel thanks to it,...

I know it's killing me but...

Deep inside...

I still love you.

· · ·

If you're reading Stories lost in the collision of colours, you might've seen this already. I wrote this because of feeling very heartbroken at that moment and just needed to "put it on a paper" and read it to see that "yeah, it's alright to let go."

Now to the story itself - I'll be publishing every Tuesday and Saturday. See you soon then ^-^