My throat is hurting, I can't sing nor dance. I should get better because I have to go to school tomorrow.

And there's that weird numbness mixed with pain in my chest. Fizzing in my head, it's been so loud this whole afternoon.

"You should write your thoughts down on a piece of paper, if there are too many," I recall my mom's words from few days ago. "You can burn it afterwards, throw it out or whatever... Just get it out of your head."

I first decide to write some lyrics. Having gotten out a random notebook I hadn't used yet, I start scrambling the words together, it ending up in a short song. I even draw a small sketch next to it but my heart is still unsettled.

I begin a search for yet another notebook. After rummaging through my room for a while, I finally find it and open it.

I was afraid I wouldn't have anything to start with but as I take a pen in my hand, words start flooding my mind and I simply let my wrist move as I'm putting them all on the paper, letting them stand next to each other on the thin lines that are about to break under the weight of my worries, feelings and troubles. I know this won't be important to me anymore when I'll be opening this a few years later but it's too much to handle right now and the letters feel it with every new one that appears next to those already standing there. They're becoming an army of pain an darkness, embodiment of my inner hurt and demons I've been trying to hide for the past weeks which turned into months too easily.

And even though my hand hurts and my fingers and wrist are getting crampy, I can't stop. Because I feel relieved again.

Reopening the bruises makes me bleed. The blood turns into pure water, tears and I start feeling better.

I'm sinking deep into my recent past which I thought was behind me already.

And as I'm writing it all down, there's still that one annoying question in my head.

How've you been?

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It's been so hard for me to find a way to write this so I hope this third or fourth try will finally be good enough (: