"Oh my God! I'm so bored!" maarteng bulong sa akin ni Sorcha sabay ikot ng mga mata niya. Pinandilatan ko ang kaibigan. All the afternoon classes were cancelled and we were forced to attend a symposium about drug abuse and teenage pregnancy as if these dunderheads would ever listen to the speakers. Pati ako, bored na din. I stared at the lifeless speaker in front of us and sighed.

"I wish Kirby's here." Dugtong pa niya. Nang hindi ako sumagot ay bumaling sa akin ang kaibigan at nakitang nakatingin ako kina Rigor at isa niyang classmate na mukhang nalate at naghahanap ng plastic chair sa likuran. "So, naka-ilang rounds kayo?"

"Sorcha!" I quickly turned to her with widening eyes.

"Duh. Sa ngiti mong yan mukha ka talagang nadiligan kagabi, ayaw mo pang aminin."

Namula ang buong mukha ko sa sinabi niya. Late rin kaming nakapunta sa gym kaya ang mga kaklase namin, nasa unahan. Halos mga freshmen ang katabi namin ngayon.

"Tumigil ka nga. Walang nangyari sa amin, okay?" I hissed through gritted teeth.

She cocked a suspicious brow. "Are you sure?"

"Wala nga!" diin ko. I swallowed, remembering how the rest of the night went. I could still taste the brute's lips on mine and even the memory of the sensation made me shiver. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"...Always remember to practice safe sex—"

"O, safe sex daw." She poked me and chuckled. Sinamaan ko ng tingin ang kaibigan.

"HIV and AIDS are rampant and these sexually transmitted diseases, if neglected, can be deadly." the speaker continued. 

Sorcha yawned. Naligaw na naman ang tingin ko sa likuran. I met Rigor's gaze at me. Kinakausap siya ng katabi pero hindi naman niya pinapansin.

"Lunch." He mouthed from afar.

I bit my lower lip and glanced at my phone. 11:45 am na. Papatapos na ang symposium tapos kakarating niya lang. Natawa ako nang bahagya. Salbaheng estyudante din pala ito.

Binalingan ko ulit siya at nginitian, sabay tango. Sorcha is already swearing at the speaker inside her head, I could tell by the way she's making faces and sighing out loud. The first years are obviously terrified of her. Sininghalan pa niya ang is ana naglakas loob na lingunin siya nang maingayan sa kaibigan.

"Nagugutom na ako. San tayo kakain?" she turned to me. Bigla akong kinabahan.

"Uhm.. actually—"

Naningkit ang mga mata niya sa akin sabay pag-angat ng pang-aakusa sa mga mata niya. Her cat-like eyes then drifted behind me, instantly spotting Rigor. She groaned.

"You're having lunch with Forbidden Fruit?"

I pouted, then nodded shyly.

"Fine. Whatever. Ayos lang naman sa akin na itapon mo ang ilang taon nating pagkakaibigan dahil sa isang lalaki." She dramatically clutched her chest and closed her eyes.

"Umayos ka, Sorch. Hindi bagay sa iyo." I poked her head. "Itext mo nalang si Kirby. I'm sure he's just as bored right now."

She continued to rattle until the symposium finally ended. I gave myself a quick glance at my compact mirror and fixed my hair before looking for Rigor in the crowd.

"Text me after you're done with your lunch, or whatever it is." Sorcha said, waving goodbye and then disappearing into the crowd.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang hindi agad makita si Rigor. Ang dami kasing dumadaan at gumagalaw kaya mahirap siyang hanapin kahit na matangkad ang lalaki. I tip-toed to scan the crowd, and almost screamed when I felt a hand snaking to my waist.

"Czarina..."

I immediately turned and found Rigor looking at me with amusement in his eyes. Kumunot ang noo ko lalo pero hindi maipagkakaila na nagulat ako sa biglang paghawak niya sa baywang ko.

"Tara?"

I nodded and followed him. He's tall and automatically have long strides. I'm petite and could barely keep up with him, plus the sea of students who are desperate to get out of the gym as soon as possible made it harder to keep up with him. Napansin kaagad ni Rigor ang paghihirap ko dahil huminto siya at inalok ang kamay. I hesitated for a bit but eventually accepted his hand as he guided me outside of the gym swiftly.

Puno ang cafeteria sa dami ng mga gutom na estyudante. Mukhang hindi rin naman iyon ang pakay ni Rigor dahil dire-diretso ang lakad niya papalabas ng gate. Hindi rin niya pinuntahan ang nakaparadang kotse sa parking lot so I'm guessing we're eating somewhere near.

Dinala niya ako sa isang surf café. Surf-themed restaurants and bars are everywhere in La Union because of our beaches. But I was never interested in surfing or spending so much time in the beach. Nagagandahan lang ako sa mga nakasabit na surfboards nang makapasok kami. Maaliwalas at presko, hindi katulad sa cafeteria namin na naghalo-halo ang pawis ng estyudante, luto ng staff, at kung anu-ano pa dahil sa liit ng space at dami ng mga estyudante.

We sat by the glass wall. Medyo nahihiya ako kasi mamahalin pala dito. Sorcha often buys her iced coffee here. Hindi ko naman alam na ganito pala kamahal, kaya din pala walang masyadong tao.

"Order anything you want. My treat." Napansin ata ni Rigor na matagal akong nakatitig sa menu. I smiled awkwardly at him at itinuro ang pinakamurang aglio e olio tapos tubig nalang ang panulak. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "Don't you want to try garlic shrimp? It's really great."

"Uhm.. allergic ako sa shrimp!" pagdadahilan ko nalang.

He nodded in understanding and ordered the food for us. I smiled politely at him, before appreciating such a great view in front of me. His hair is in a mess, once again. A delightful mess that tempts me to run my fingers through it. It looked so soft and inviting. Nakasuot siya ng kulay abong t-shirt at black jeans ngayon, saka converse. He looked so casual... yet sensual.

I discreetly took a picture of him in my phone while he's busy talking to the waitress. Muntik nang malaglag ang puso ko. Good gaia! He looks so hot even in stolen shots.

"Czarina, about last night-"

"Rigor! Czarina!"

Napapikit ng mata si Rigor dahil sa inis at mayamaya pa ay lumitaw ang nakangising Thyron. Kaagad siyang lumapit sa amin at naupo sa tabi ng kapatid.

"Tamang-tama, gutom na ako!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Kakain." He nonchalantly reached for the menu and winked at me. "Is it okay if I gatecrash? Pwede mo namang solohin si Rigor mamaya."

My cheeks burned. "Ayos lang, Thyron."

Matalim ang tingin sa kaniya ni Rigor habang nago-order ang kapatid. When the waitress left, the two of us were silent.

"What? Are you always this silent?" he complained.

"Not when you're around, asshole." Rigor said, completely pissed.

"Hindi kita nakita sa senior's ball, Thyron." Ani ko. Nabaling ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Ah, hindi ako hilig sa mga ganiyan. Besides, I was doing something more interesting than a senior's ball." He grinned.

Sinapak siya ng kapatid. "Napakagago mo talaga. Can't you show a little decorum?"

He just grinned at me widely and the conversation went on until our food arrive. Panakaw-nakaw nalang ako ng tingin kay Rigor.

"Tingnan mo 'tong dalawang 'to..." itinuro ni Thyron ng hawak na bread knife palabas na sinundan ko naman ng tingin. I saw Philodemus and a fair-skinned girl who looks like they're in a heated argument. "Parang mga tanga. Anyone knows that Philo is mad over her twin sister except her. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit naghahabol pa 'tong Shantel."

Kumunot ang noo ko. Shantel. I think Sorcha mentioned her before. I glanced at them again. The girl looks like she is about to cry and Philo on the other hand looks frustrated. Palagi namang galit ang mukha niya pero ngayon ay talagang iritang-irita na siya.

"Should we... do something?" bulong ni Rigor.

"I-enjoy mo nalang, bro." Thyron chuckled. "That Shantel chick is unhinged." He made a funny face. "Hindi ko siya ma-gets."

Natapos ang kainan namin na nanunuod sa away nila. Shantel screamed something at him and then left. Nahuli pa kami ni Philodemus na nakatingin kaya masama ang titig niya sa aming tatlo bago din ito umalis. Napaupo tuloy ako nang tuwid. Tawa naman nang tawa ang magkapatid.

Hindi na kami nagkita pa ulit ni Rigor nang sumunod na mga araw. He told me he's going to be busy practicing for their graduation ceremony. Inilabas na ang tentative list ng graduates at nakita ko ang pangalan niyang pinagkakaguluhan ng mga babae sa bulletin board. I know he's one of the top students in their class. Alam ko ring maging mga seniors ay nababaliw rin sa kaniya kaya ganun nalang kasama ang tingin nila sa akin nang makiusisa din ako doon sa list.

"Ay, girl, feeling senior? Anong pangalan ang hinahanap mo dito?" mataray na wika ng isa.

I sneered at her and then glanced at her ID. Dinakma ko iyon. "Hmm. Patty Caballero?" I said her name out loud and then glanced back at the list. "Hindi ko ata mahanap ang pangalan mo dito sa list, ah? Hindi ka ata makaka-graduate?"

Her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. Marahas niyang binawi sa akin ang ID niya at mas lalong sumama ang titig.

"Dahan-dahan ka sa sinasabi mo, ha! Tentative list pa lang yan! Hindi yan final!" she screamed.

I chuckled sweetly. "Mas mabuti nang huwag na tayong umasa, ate. Baka sabay pa tayong gumraduate, eh."

Before she could react, I turned my back against her and spotted Sorcha in the crowd, staring at me with amusement.

"Nagiging hobby mo na ata ang pakikipag-away dahil sa Rigor na yan," komento niya habang naglalakad kami.

"Eh siya naman nauna!" parang bata kong sagot. I admit, I was a little embarrassed that I am picking fights with my senior but she just ruined the moment! Buti nalang napicture-an ko ang page kung saan ko nakita ang pangalan ni Rigor. Grinning to myself, I sent him the photo.

Czarina:

You sent a photo.

Czarina:

Naks. Pa-lechon ka naman!

Isiniksik ko pabalik ang phone at sinabayan na si Sorcha palabas ng campus. I know the seniors are in the gym to practice. Minsan ay nahahagip siya ng paningin ko tuwing literature class namin dahil sa may bintana ako nauupo at binibilad naman sa araw ang mga graduating seniors bago sila makapasok sa gym. I really don't get why they have to practice how to march but it seemed they prefer it that way instead of having regular classes.

Habang nakasakay ako ng tricycle ay nag-vibrate ang phone ko. Dali-dali ko itong nilabas mula sa bag at nakitang nag-reply nga sa akin ang lalaki.

Rigor:

:*

Namula ako sa nakita at naghintay pa ng ilang minuto kung may idudugtong pa ba siya sa reply niya pero wala na. Aligaga ako habang nasa loob ng tricycle, kinikilig na hindi ko maipaliwanag. Simpleng emoji lang naman ang reply niya, pero bakit ganun? I'm sure he's busy with the practice ceremony right now. Malamang ay nagnakaw lang siya ng oras para makapag-reply dahil sa pagkakaalam ko, bawal silang gumamit ng cellphone tuwing practice.

Sa sobrang kaba at kilig ay hindi na ako naka-reply. What is an appropriate response for a kiss emoji anyway? Walang pumapasok sa isipan ko. At mas lalong wala akong maisip at napawi lahat ng kilig at sayang naramdaman nang may makita akong nakaparadang kotse sa harap ng nirerentahan kong unit.

Alinlangan akong nagbayad sa tricyle driver at bumaba. The SUV looks expensive and it is heavily tinted. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad pero masama na talaga ang kutob ko. A moment later, the car window rolled down, revealing a fair-skinned middle-aged woman dressed in a crisp white pantsuit. Even with the heavy shade of her sunglasses, I would recognize the lethal stare anywhere.

"Ano hong ginagawa niyo rito?" matabang kong wika sa kaniya.

She cocked a well-trimmed brow at me, then assessed me from head to toe. Then, she sighed in disappointment.

"What a mess."

Napakuyom ang kamao ko sa loob ng bulsa ng palda. Blangko ang ekspresiyon kong nakatitig sa kaniya. Debbie Margaret Alonzo then stepped out of her polished car, wearing cigarette heels and sporting the latest silver Cartier bracelet.

"Nightmare child, what have you done this time?" naningkit ang mga mata niyang nanlilisik sa akin. She grabbed my chin harshly, trying to intimidate me with her towering height.

Marahas kong inalis ang kamay niya sa akin at sinuklian ang galit niyang titig.

"Kung nagpunta ka lang dito para insultuhin ako-"

"Insult is the only thing you shall expect from me while your nudes are doing the rounds in the neighborhood. Hindi ka ba marunong mahiya?"

I swallowed as my fist trembled in hot anger. Ni hindi ako makatingin sa kaniya sa sobrang galit. She's my mother and yet, she can't identify if the naked body on the picture is her daughter or not.

"It's not mine." I said, even though I know she's not going to believe me.

"You are so disgusting!" she pointed an accusing finger at me. "I know from the start that you are ill-mannered, but I didn't expect you to be a whore, Czarina Saorsie!"

Humigit ako ng malalim na hininga. It's so ironic that she's using the very adjective that is apt for her entire being. A woman who left her own family to marry a rich doctor, pretending to be unmarried and single just so she can benefit from his wealth. It drove my father crazy, and ended up killing himself due to extreme loneliness and shock from losing the love of his life. Not a year after my father was buried namelessly because I could not afford the expenses, I heard that she is bearing a child with the doctor. Bata pa lang ay malaking sama ng loob na ang nakatanim sa akin dahil sa ginawa niya.

"Kung wala ho kayong sasabihin pang iba, papasok na ako." I tried to reached for the door but she grabbed my hand. Gigil niya akong tinitigan.

"Don't you dare turn your back at me!" she hissed through gritted teeth. Ang bodyguard niya ay nakabantay upang masigurong walang nakakakita at nakakakilala sa kaniya. It is also the reason why I was forced to move from San Fernando to San Juan, because my very own mother doesn't want to live in the same city as me. She wanted to eliminate the only reminder of her past life.

Blangko pa rin ang tingin ko sa kaniya. I could feel her pointed nails digging painfully at my skin but if I react, she would only tighten her grip.

"You are wasting my money, Czarina! I'm giving you monthly allowances so you could survive on your own but what are you doing to repay me? You snap some photo of your naked body and send it to an asshole? Don't you have any dignity?"

Tumahimik nalang ako. She hates it when I get silent. She wants me to fight, so she could fight harder. She wants me to scream, so she could scream louder. I won't give her that satisfaction. Kitang-kita ko ang panggigigil sa mga mata niya.

"Why aren't you saying anything?! Hindi ka makapagsalita dahil sa hiya?!"

Pakiramdam ko magkakapasa na ang braso kong mahigpit niyang hawak. If not a bruise, then her nails would surely leave a mark in my skin.

Marahas niya akong itinulak dahilan ng pagkaigtad ko.

"I don't want to do anything with you anymore, Czarina. Don't expect monthly allowances from me anymore. I don't care if you starve on the streets because you brought this for yourself!" she huffed and then walked back to her car, slamming the door shut.

Wala pang ilang segundo ay umandar na ang kotse at pumaharurot palayo. I glanced at my bruising skin and cursed.

"Ah, shit. Magkakapasa ata ako." Irita kong wika. I weakly opened the door and was stunned when I felt tears running down my face. Kaagad kong isinara ang pintuan at dinama ang mainit na luha sa pisngi. "Ah, shit." I chuckled bitterly. "Maiiyak din ata ako."

I have long accepted that my mother would only see me as her greatest mistake, not a daughter but I didn't know that it would still hurt like hell. Walang araw na hindi niya pinaalala sa akin na kung hindi ako pinanganak, sana matagal na siyang nakalaya sa Tatay ko. It's a sin being born to this world, really.

Tulo pa rin nang tulo ang luha ko habang ginagamot ang sariling sugat. I poured alcohol and winced when it stung, but there is no wound deeper than what my mother carved into my young heart back then. Until now, I am still tending to that wound to no avail. I guess emotional cuts will never heal with a band-aid.

Kinabukasan ay nagsuot ako ng itim na cardigan para ipatong sa uniporme ko bago nagpunta sa campus. Rigor texted me again last night but I didn't reply. Pati si Kirby ay nangungulit na makipagkita sa akin pero wala din akong gana. The social self in me died upon the sight of my devious mother.

Hindi ako kumain dahil wala akong gana at nang yayain ako ni Sorcha sa lunch ay hindi pa rin kumakalam ang sikmura ko. She frowned at me and instead bought me a bottle of water. Ibinagsak niya ito sa desk ko.

"At least drink this, you look like shit. May nangyari ba? Sasapakin ko na ba ang hinayupak na Treveron-"

"Sorch..." I reached for her hand before she could storm out of the room and into the gym where the seniors are currently practicing. "Huwag na, masakit lang talaga ang puson ko kaya wala akong ganang kumain."

She squinted her eyes at me and studied me. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I hate it when she does this. Kilalang-kilala na ako ng kaibigan kaya alam niyang nagsisinungaling ako.

"You've been crying."

"Yes, Sorch, thank you very much." I said sarcastically. Tinungga ko ang tubig at nakaramdam ng kaunting gaan ng loob. I smiled reassuringly to my friend. "Ayos na ako, Sorch. Bumalik ka na sa classroom mo."

She stared at me with a disapproving look at mukhang hindi talaga siya magpapatinag. Nakaalis lang siya nang mismo ang professor ko na ang nagpalayas sa kaniya nang makitang hindi niya ito estyudante. She muttered curses under her breath while storming out. Ayun tuloy, silang lahat nakatingin sa akin at nagbulong-bulungan sa buong period.

I still felt tired after gulping down the entire bottled water. If my mother is really serious about cutting my allowances, then I have to find a part-time job to sustain my needs. Sa ngayon, tama lang na hindi ako kumain dahil kailangan kong magtipid at tuluyan na akong nilayasan ng nanay ko.

We have a Physical Education class afterwards, which is infuriating. I'm not in the best mood to dance, even though I am considered a skilled dancer in our class. Masakit ang ulo ko pati na rin ang katawan. Ang gym ay hinati kaya sa kabilang dulo ay nakikita ko ang mga seniors na nagp-practice habang may dalawa namang PE classes sa kabila.

"Ang gwapo-gwapo talaga, sayang at graduating na! Hindi na natin makikita sa susunod na taon..."

"Ay, dai, chika sa akin ng ate ko na classmate ni Rigor na babalik daw siya next year. Parang kukuha ata ng LET units para makapagturo siya. Nandito pa rin siya next semester."

Natigilan ako nang marinig ang pag-uusap ng dalawang babae sa kabilang klase. Our class is now warming up while their class is still on chaos dahil wala pa ang PE teacher nila.

"Talaga? Swerte naman natin, mabibiyayaan pa tayo ng presensiya niya next sem!"

I pouted. Buti pa sila, alam na babalik pa pala siya sa Sta. Veronica next year. Hindi rin naman kami masyadong magka-usap dahil sa sobrang busy niya.

I turned back to what I was doing. I couldn't even stretch my arm properly because it still throbs in pain. Nahihilo na din ako. Biglang parang lumayo ang boses ng PE teacher namin hanggang sa naging alingawngaw nalang sa isipan ko. The next thing I knew, my classmates were screaming as I collapsed on the floor.

The first thing I saw is my mother's face. She looked as elegant and vibrant when she was still young, though she wore simple clothes and no jewelry. Tanging ang wedding band lang nila ni Papa ang suot niya. My father is looking happy and content, they were holding a baby and my mother is soothing her with her calm voice. Papa is murmuring something, and then kissed my mother's forehead. I wanted to lengthen the image as long as I can but it slowly immaterialized in front of me and before I knew it, flame engulfed the little family into pieces.

Marahas ang pagbukas ko ng mga mata at hingal na hingal mula sa estrangherong panaginip. I gripped the sheets and gasped for breath.

"Czarina..."

It took me a minute before I could gather my thoughts. I found myself in a small bed with white frame. May nakapaligid na kulay berdeng kurtina sa amin. I shifted my gaze and saw Rigor staring intensely at me. Nakaigting ang panga at matalas ang tingin, pero ang galit niya ay hindi para sa akin.

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa hubad na kamay, ibinubulgar ang nangingitim na pasa. The school nurse must've removed my cardigan earlier. Ibinagsak ni Rigor ang dalawang kamay sa paanan ng kama, kitang-kita ang pag-igting ng mga ugat sa braso niya dahil sa sobrang gigil at galit.

"Who fucking did this to you?" he demanded in a low, dangerous voice.

-

#HanmariamBFLChap9