"Mukha ba akong barbero, Rigor?" masungit kong tanong sa kaniya, hinahamon ang pang-iinsulto niya sa akin.

He stared at me before his lips curled in a slow, sensual smile. The office may be spacious, but his presence overwhelms me and throws me off guard.

"Mukha kang nanay ng magiging anak ko."

My breath died in my throat, my blood drained. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I stood there, frozen. I could not speak.

Rigor chuckled. "Relax. I'm just messing around."

I quickly put on an angry face to mask the near-death experience I just had. Pakiramdam ko ay aatakihin ata ako sa puso!

"Don't joke around like that!" I scold him as I circle the big desk, snatching the silver scissors from his hand. I might as well cut his goddamn hair so that all of this will be over.

"You make it sound like it's such a bad idea. I'm so offended, cherié." He clutched his hard chest dramatically before collapsing into the big, swivel chair. Legs apart, he took my hand and pulled me closer to him until I can smell his scent. I closed my eyes and allowed myself the comfort of his presence briefly before pulling away.

"No funny business, remember?" I reminded him about the rules that he seems to be tossing out of the window with the way he's acting right now.

There's a half-smirk on his lips as he shrugs, then relaxes into his chair. Umikot ako sa likuran niya at tinitigan ang gunting. Castian doesn't want anyone to cut his hair but me. He's been traumatized by the sound of the razor when he was little and it didn't go away. I could say I have experience in cutting a Treveron's hair.

I bit my lower lip and shucked the thoughts away before I pulled at his hair gently. The soft tangle of hair felt weightless in my hands. Napabuntong-hininga ako bago sinimulan ang paggupit.

"Alam mo, ang yaman-yaman mo pero napaka-barat mo. Ni barbero ayaw mong pag-gastusan." I commented while snipping away at his hair.

His broad shoulders rose up and down in a chuckle. He tried to turn to me, but I quickly held his head to keep him still and continue what I was doing.

"I don't like anyone else touching my hair."

My heart skipped a beat.

Like Castian.

I tensed behind him, my knuckles turning white from holding the scissors too tight. My small step backward sounded in the room. This time, Rigor turns to me, his handsome face warped in confusion.

"What?"

Kaagad akong umiling. I'm holding the scissors too tight I thought my fingers would bleed. I gestured for him to turn back. He gives me one last look of confusion before settling back in his chair.

Rigor reached for his MacBook. The screen glowed. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapatingin sa ginagawa niya. He opened his email and scrolled down. He's ignoring a lot of messages from different people, or companies. He clicked one particular email and showed it to me.

"We've visiting the Save Smiles organization tomorrow. This is the org I'm talking about. The founder wants me to meet the kids."

"Kaya mo ba pinagupitan ang buhok mo?"

He nods. My heart melts. I am grateful he does not see my face right now as it turns soft at how soft he is.

"I have a niece..." he said slowly. "She doesn't really come to me because of my long hair so I figured..." his fingers reached for the back of his neck to scratch an invisible itch.

"That's good, then."

I continued working in silence. When I was finished in the back, I circled around him. There's no mirror so I have to chop the sides of his hair while facing him to make sure it's symmetrical. My gaze drops to his eyes and before I could look away, I found him staring at me already.

I swallowed.

"Malapit na tayong matapos," my voice died in my throat as I stepped closer to him. One of my legs is positioned between his and my knees pressed against the leather of swivel chair he's sitting. His arms are just an inch away from the side of my hips. I tried not to think about it, but when I lifted my arms, I know he's having a full view of my breasts beneath the soft fabric I'm wearing.

I'm surprised at myself, for still feeling like this when I'm around him. I thought after giving birth and raising a child alone, sexual attraction would be the least of my concerns. It was hard to imagine myself in another man's arms when I poured all my energy and soul to my son.

"You somehow look... different." Rigor suddenly muttered.

My fingers are trembling now. I pinched the tips of my fingers with my sharp nails before I resumed working.

"Different how?"

Nagkibit-balikat ulit si Rigor. "You're still the same... but different." He chuckled. "If that makes sense."

I nod. He's different as well. He's gotten taller. Broader. When he moves, I could see the muscles moving beneath the tight skin, and everyone is rewarded with that view because the man likes to take his shirt off especially when working. His jaw is sharper, angled in a way that defines intensity and unforgiveness. Compared to the last time I saw him, there is brightness in his forest eyes. The brown seems richer, the green seems raw. The veins in his arms and hands are the price to pay for the nights and days he spent hunched over his canvas. For some reason, the lifted roots in his skin appear more sexual than withered.

In a way, it appears that Rigor just reached his pinnacle.

I reached over his ear. Rigor tilted his head a bit for me. I bit my lower lip and started cutting as fast as I could. Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa sobrang lapit naming dalawa.

"You're trembling."

I yelped and dropped the scissors when he placed his hands on my waist. Fire traveled from where his hands touched my skin, and almost immediately, I tried to pull away but he held me firmly.

"Rigor..." I tried to make my voice sound firm but it sounded like I was breathless. My pulse quickened under his touch especially when he slid his hands upward and rested it to the sides of my stomach.

"What did you do for the last five years, Czarina?" his voice is quiet, almost mourning. Slowly, he pressed his head against my stomach and exhaled. "I want to know but you're not telling me anything. You're acting as if I'm a stranger."

My knees wobbled. Fear lodge at my throat. I'm so nervous he could hear the butterflies going nuts in my stomach, or the restless pounding of my heart in my chest.

"Rigor-"

"Did you even miss me?"

I swallowed. Hard.

I missed you. Every day.

My hand hesitantly reached for his shoulders. Both of us are vibrating with unexplained sorrow right now. I don't feel sad. I feel empty. And I think that's a worse feeling than loneliness. With loneliness, you know how to acknowledge the feeling, what to do about it. But when you feel empty, there's almost nothing you could do.

I let myself melt into his arms. I closed my eyes and pulled him closer to me, aching with the fact that I endured those five years without him this close to me. I almost couldn't believe I did it.

"Czarina-"

We heard a loud rap at the door, and even before my brain could process, it burst open and a tall woman a black pantsuit entered. I pulled away from him like a cat caught in the table. My eyes widened. The woman had the same arrogant hauter that I sometimes see in my son and in the other Treverons.

Silver.

"Am I interrupting something?" she rose a delicate brow at us. She regarded me briefly, then a smirk flashed in his red lips before turning toward her brother.

Rigor heaved a sigh. "What are you doing here?"

Silver's pretty face scrunched in annoyance and anger. Mabilis siyang naglakad patungo sa desk. I jumped a little when she slammed her Chanel sling bag against the surface of the desk.

"You imbecile! You're finally back and you did not even bother to visit us in La Union?! You're just like Kuya Elton!" her voice cracked, but still full of anger and hatred.

Rigor scratched at the back of his neck, avoiding the fiery gaze of his sister.

"I was... busy."

Silver's sharp eyes darted toward me. I know she's younger than me but she still makes me nervous. Napaatras ako.

"Busy with her?!"

"Yes." Rigor says calmly it almost threw me off guard. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya.

"You. Are. The. Worst. Brother. Ever." She bared her fangs at him and in that moment, she really looks like Castian whenever he's upset or angry. I almost couldn't believe it. The resemblance is uncanny. It made me so nervous.

"I'll visit you, okay?" he says calmly and tries to reach for her arm but Silver swatted his hands away.

"No. Don't bother. Mabulok ka dito sa studio mong sira ang aircon. Wag ka na ring magpapakita sa Elyu. Hindi ka welcome sa bahay." She said huffly before grabbing her bag and storming out.

The door snicked shut, followed by the hurried clicks of her heels. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Rigor.

"Uhm... I think you should follow her."

Rigor regarded me for a moment, before sighing. He pulled himself up.

"I think so, too."

I was relieved when he stepped out of the desk and went out the door. My gaze went down to strands of his hair all over the office floor. Napabuntong-hininga ako at pinulot ang walis.

Rigor sent me early home that day and forwarded me the emails that I have to reply instead. It seems he got caught up with his sister. Nilinis ko muna ang office at umalis na. I dropped by the kindergarten school where I'm planning to enrol Castian and finished the paperwork before going home. Nang makarating ako sa bahay ay nakita ko ang kotse ni Shantel na nakapark sa labas.

I went inside the kitchen and found her frustratingly opening the cupboards, her face scrunched in a frown and deep stress. Kyros is in the corner, wearing white shirt and sweatpants. Day-off niya ngayon kaya patambay-tambay lang siya sa bahay. Castian is next to him, sleeping.

"Anong hinahanap mo?" tanong ko kay Shantel pagkalapag ng bag ko.

She seems startled by my voice, then relief washed over her face. "Thank God, you're here! Where do you keep your alcohol?"

Kumunot ang noo ko at binalingan ang relo sa palapulsuhan. "It's 2 in the afternoon, Shantel. Bakit ka naghahanap ng alak dito sa bahay ko?"

"You don't have alcohol?!" she almost shrieked. I almost smash her across the face when it startled Castian, stirring him softly from his sleep. Thankfully, he just yawned and continued sleeping. "Whiskey? Brandy? Wala?"

"Do I look like an alcoholic to you?" I raised a brow and crossed my arms over my chest.

Kyros chuckled in the corner. "Hayaan mo na yan si Shantel, Czarina. Tanga yan, e. Hinindian ba naman ang proposal ni attorney."

My eyes quickly darted to Shantel. Her face grew warm and her neck flushed. I saw her clenching and unclenching her fists.

"Proposal? Attorney?"

"Ugh!" she lets out a loud groan before collapsing into my kitchen floor. Sinilip ko siya sa baba. She looks really stressed. Shantel ran her fingers through her hair.

Nilingon ko si Kyros, nagtatanong ang mga mata. He just gave me a playful shrug and went back to stroking my son's hair. I turned back to Shantel but she's already getting up and ready to leave.

"Pag hinanap ako ng nanay ko, pakisabi busy ako. In case lang naman may pake siya sa akin. I doubt she'll call." She says hurriedly, grabbing her bag and heading out the door before I could even blurt out a reply.

Napailing ako at wala nang nasabi. Instead, I turned to my son who just woke up. I smiled at him.

"Hi, baby."

Kinabukasan, alas singko pa lang ng umaga ay binubulabog na ako ng mga tawag ni Rigor. Irita kong sinagot ang phone. It's still dark and I'm still in my night gown with my son curled softly next to me.

"Ano?" suplada kong tanong sa kaniya.

"Good morning to you, too." Rigor chuckled from the other line.

The hair in my arms stood. My stomach twists from the deep baritone of his voice. It's the first time in five years that I heard his voice in a phone call. I haven't forgotten how it sounds like.

Clearing my throat, I shucked away the blanket and stepped into my fuzzy slippers. My eyes caught glimpse of myself in the mirror. I'm having my period this week, and my breasts swelled than usual. My cheeks are flushed, too, probably from the cold air that enters from the open window.

"My duty is not until 8 in the morning, Rigor. This better be important." I say in a brisk tone, frowning.

"Yep. Super important." He says lazily from the other line. "Hindi mo pa natatapos gupitin ang buhok ko. We have a meeting in nine with the founder."

"Oh, for God's sake," I hissed under my breath, rolling my eyes in annoyance. "You couldn't find a damn barber yesterday to finish it off?"

"Believe me when I said I tried but I really prefer my barber in pencil skirts and ponytail."

My stomach twists again. I clench my jaw to restrain myself. Napailing ako at hinablot ang roba.

"I'll meet you in the studio in an hour."

The call ends and I step into the shower. The cold water clears the rest of my fog in my head. When I step out of the shower, Castian is already awake, looking so small in the big bed. He rubs his eyes while looking at me.

"Morning, Mommy."

"Good morning, sweet boy." I reply while smiling. Nilapitan ko siya. "Can I hug?"

He nods and I wrap my arms around him, sighing in delight. The more he grows, the more he looks like his father. From the arrogant lift of his roman nose, the sharp gleam of his green eyes, and his soft, warm skin. He really is Rigor in a softer, more innocent version.

"You look so pretty in the morning, Mommy." He says in a sleepy voice. Mas lalo niyang isiniksik ang sarili sa dibdib ko. A smile forms in my lips again. "Mommy..."

"Yes?"

"Do I have a daddy?"

The smile vanishes into thin air and my entire body suspends. Castian must've felt my tension because he pulls away from me and searches for my eyes. His greens are curious, almost hurting and it breaks my heart.

I thought I've prepared myself for this question when the time comes. As absurd as it sounds, I joined forums of single moms, seeking for advice on how to raise a child alone and what to do when the said child is of age when he questions my singularity.

All those information melts and pools in the floor of my brain, completely useless now. I can't utter a rehearsed script in front of my son when he's looking at me this way.

"Uhm..." I suck in a small, quick breath, trying to steady myself. "I'm afraid it's a little complicated, baby."

"I can't understand?"

I bit my lower lip. I can't even look away from him. The heavy weight of guilt and betrayal to my son falls into me, crushing my shoulders and penetrating deep into my bones. At this very moment, I wanted to cry but I blink back my tears.

"S-Some other time?" my voice cracks.

He hesitated for a bit, before nodding slowly. "Take your time, Mommy."

I ask him again if I could hug him, and he says yes. I gathered Castian in my arms and let my tears fall quietly as I rest my chin on the top of his head.

"Have you been crying?"

Ito ang unang tanong ni Rigor sa akin nang pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto. He instructed me earlier to go to his apartment downstairs instead of the studio. I blink, surprised that he noticed immediately. I made sure to conceal my breakdown earlier with my makeup but I guess it didn't work.

Nag-iwas kaagad ako ng tingin.

"No." I say in a brisk tone, hoping he'd get it and stop asking me questions.

He lingers in front of me for a moment. I was so distracted that I did not even notice he's not wearing a shirt. Only a damp towel wrapped around his hips loosely. I'm afraid it would fall in one careless move. Kanina pa kasi ako nagdo-doorbell dito at natagalan siyang sumaot. I guess he was in the shower when I arrived.

"Come in." Rigor says finally, stepping away and opening the door wider for me.

I step inside his unit and heard the door snicked shut behind me. I did not move from where I stood. I could smell him strongly this time, now that he's just fresh out of shower. He walks past me and points to the sofa.

"Maupo ka muna. Magbibihis lang ako."

Hindi ko na siya sinagot at dumiretso na doon. Rigor, as usual, lingers for a moment before sighing and going inside his bedroom. I sat stiffly in the chair, unusually quiet. My conversation with my son sat like a heavy stone in my stomach and I feel so bad for him. I'm also angry at myself for letting this happen. He's just a boy. He shouldn't be hurting like this at a tender age.

My gaze wandered and landed on a leather jacket carelessly thrown next to me. I ignore it at first but the bump inside one of the jacket's pocket caught my attention. Napalingon ako sa saradong kwarto ni Rigor bago ko dinampot ang jacket. I must be losing my mind and my manners, sniffing into his personal belongings like this.

And I wished I should've stayed prim and proper because regret floods my system as soon as my fingers made contact with the softness of a small, velvet box. My fingers are trembling when I pull the box out and open it.

It sat there like a treasure, cut in an octagon and made with the finest hands of a jewelry maker. The depth of its green reminds me of my son's eyes, and it glowed with the promise of luxury and desire.

It's an emerald ring.

-

#HanmariamBFLIIChap5