"I don't do long distance relationships." Matigas kong wika. "It won't work."

Rigor stared at me helplessly. He opened his mouth to speak, but I quickly held my palm up to shut him.

"And don't tell me that you're going to drop that opportunity for me. Because by then, you'll be the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met."

Tumayo ako at binalot ang katawan ng kumot. Rigor remained in the bed. I picked up my clothes with trembling hands. Isinaulo ko na ang sasabihin ko sa kaniya. I know the lines already. I went through it in my head over and over again. But I'm still nervous.

"If you go, I'll be miserable." Pag-amin ko sa kaniya. "But if you stay here, we'll both be miserable."

"Huwag mong sabihin yan, Czarina." A look of disapproval crossed his face.

I swallowed and stepped into my panties, then put on a clean shirt. Pagod ko siyang tiningnan.

"Think about it, Rigor. JHU is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Once you go there, you'll be able to establish the name that you deserve. You have a clear future and a career waiting for you in art. Not all art students are lucky to be as talented as you."

Hindi niya ako sinagot. Nag-iwas lang siya ng tingin habang umiigting ang panga. I could tell he's hesitating, too.

"If you stay here with me, then what? What are you going to do here? Even if you love me, you'll still wonder about the road not taken. You'll have a lot of what ifs. These questions will turn into anger, then resentment, then misery. We'll be together, but we'll be miserable."

"Do you really think of me that low?" it was almost like a growl, and he sounded so disappointed in me.

"Trust me," I said bitterly. "I've been through it. Alam kong yan lang ang kahahantungan nating dalawa."

"You're not even willing to try LDR." He said in a quiet voice. "That speaks so much about you."

My lips went into a thin line. I don't want to try it because I know we're only going to end up hurting ourselves. No matter how much I love him, I'll be living with the fact that I am not half as good as him, and I'll resent myself even more for pushing myself to him. Not that he deserves someone better than me. I could be that someone...

Just not now.

Not when I'm so fucked. Not when I could still hear my best friend screaming in my dreams as she falls into her death. Not when I'm touching the cigarettes again at night, without anyone watching, and then feel guilty all about it the next morning to the point that I'll starve myself. Not when I pretend not to hear the gossips of the students, the mute accusations of the teachers and professors every time they see me.

Not now.

"You're right." I said defiantly. "I guess I don't love you enough to even try to take that risk."

Nagdilim ang mga mata niya sa binitawan kong mga salita. He got up angrily and glared at me.

"Bullshit, Czarina. That's bullshit."

I shrugged, then reached for the cup to hide my trembling hands and took a sip of my coffee.

"I don't know, Rigor. I'm very good at fucking things up. If you stay, there's no telling when I'd fuck this relationship, too."

I've never seen him this angry and disappointed that it slowly breaks my heart even before we call it quits. He didn't say anything. I guess he's too afraid of all the hurtful words sitting at the tip of his tongue to damage me even further. Rigor just got dressed quietly and without a word, stepped out of my apartment.

I took in a shaky breath and tried to steady myself. Gusto kong maiyak pero wala na rin ata akong mailalabas. Napaka-hipokrita ko para sabihin kung ano ang tama o mali sa relasyong ito. I'm just choosing the lesser evil. A decision that allows him to flourish in his career and give me time to fix myself. The last thing I need is him fixing me up. He's not my rehabilitation center. As far as I'm concerned, I am my own responsibility.

Ilang linggo niya akong hindi kinausap. I didn't try to call or text him. Wala rin akong narinig sa kaniya. I still go to school but I didn't bother to check if he's still attending his classes. Nalaman ko nalang kay Shantel na dinrop niya na pala ang kinuhang LET units. That's when it dawned on me that him taking some LET units is his way to stall time and postpone the offer as long as he can. He's still hesitating back then.

Our monthsary is coming up. I laughed at myself bitterly. Ni hindi man lang kami nagtagal ng isang taon. I was really looking forward to spending my first Christmas and New Year with him like all those new couples do. I was fantasizing a good time with him in my head before, and now I know it should remain as a fantasy.

"What's up with you and Rigor? Are you guys breaking up?" Shantel asked casually while we were eating lunch outside the school.

I frowned at my soup and looked at her. She looked back at me with an innocent look in her face before my expression dawned on her. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know-"

"It's okay." I shrugged and picked up my utensils. "I'm over it."

She chuckled like it's the most stupid thing she's ever heard. Maybe it is.

"You're not over it. He's a Treveron. You can't be over him just like that."

Umiling ako at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. I'm glad she didn't ask what it was all about. I wanted to hear myself think, or to at least distract myself if I couldn't get him off my mind.

Naging busy na din ako sa finals namin which is a good thing. Shantel's been hanging out at my apartment often, and even bought me a pair of bean bags because she always complains that the floor is uncomfortable to study. I let her barge in her anytime she wants, and sometimes, when I'm half-awake and doesn't realize the situation that I'm in, I even mistake her for Sorcha, cause that's what she always does.

Gabi-gabi din akong halos umiiyak hanggang sa makatulog. I'm well aware that it would hurt like hell at first. I know that. All breakups hurt like this. I'm just clinging to the fact that it won't last for so long to the point that it'll ruin me. I have a lot of fixing to do, and moving on from Rigor is something I'm not sure if I want to be fixed.

When the first month without communicating with each other passed, I almost couldn't believe I did it. every morning, I have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to study so I could be better for myself. I deserve it after all the shit that I've been through. I deserve to at least live a comfortable life, no matter how lonely. I vowed to myself that I'm going to spoil her the way my mother didn't, and this is exactly what I'm going to do.

Those thoughts kept me insane.

It was also when I realized that I was late.

"I think you should take a pregnancy test, then." Shantel said slowly. She's surprised that I blurted it out to her all of a sudden, and looked at me with surprise.

I took in a shaky breath.

"When is he leaving?"

"At the end of the month." She murmured.

Shantel's been the one who's been feeding me information about Rigor and his departure. She doesn't know much but the information she gives is usually enough for me not to worry about making the wrong decision.

"At least he listened to me." I smiled weakly.

Inirapan ako ni Shantel. She went from the bed to the bean bag, and stared at me seriously.

"Seriously, Czarina. Get tested. Anong gagawin mo kung buntis ka nga?"

I swallowed thickly. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm barely hanging here and to think that I am possibly pregnant... it scares me.

Umiling ako, naiiyak. Shantel bit her lower lip and went to me, then embraced me.

"I don't know..." I whispered into her chest. Her skin is soft, warm, and smells of expensive perfume. I felt comfortable.

Napatingala si Shantel sa kisame at bumuntong-hininga rin.

"Sometimes, I think you're acting like you're writing a melodrama." She said out loud, then pulled away. She lifted my chin up and stared right into my eyes. "But more often than not, I think you're fucking awesome."

I smiled weakly, then averted my gaze away.

"You're right. Rigor will only resent you if he stays here instead of accepting that offer in Baltimore. It may not be now, but years later, when you're married and you have kids, he'll start wondering what could've happened if he took the chance. Even if it's not his intention to hurt you, or to think about it, it would still happen. It's inevitable. He's only human."

I pressed the tips of my fingers gently, looking at the floor.

"But if it happens that you're pregnant, don't snatch the right of your child to be with his or her father. Your child deserves a world where he or she feels safe in a family."

I nodded, but my head is still screaming at me. I'd be lying to myself if I say that I wish I could go against my words to him and just let him go just like that. I don't want to. Heck, every single cell in my body is against of letting him go.

"Tanginang logic 'to, Czarina..." napasapo ako sa ulo. "Relationships shouldn't be complicated like this."

"Kaya hindi ako nakikipag-relasyon, eh!"

Nagtaas ako ng kilay sa kaniya. I spotted her with Eros a couple of times but I never said anything about it. I just assumed that she's friends with him the way she is with Kyros. But Eros is not the type of guy you could easily be friends with. Hindi nga ako magtataka kung ayaw niya sa akin pagkatapos ng katangahang ginawa ko sa kaniya.

"Fine. I'll take a test."

Shantel bought the pregnancy test for me. Rigor is leaving the day after tomorrow. This is not how I imagined it should be. I wanted to be with him while I'm waiting for the results. My hands are trembling when I stepped out of the bathroom, and I threw the white stick towards Shantel. Nagulat siya pero nasalo niya din naman. Nanlalaki ang mga mata niyang nakatingin sa resulta.

"Fuck..." I muttered under my breath.

Nag-angat si Shantel ng tingin sa akin. She gave me a slow smile. I felt like my soul dropped out of my body at the very moment.

"I guess I'm not going to be a ninang, after all."

"Gago, seryoso ka ba?!" nagmamadali ko siyang nilapitan at hinablot ang pregnancy test mula sa kaniya. Sasabunutan ko talaga ang babaeng ito kapag nalaman kong ginu-goodtime niya lang ako.

My heart dropped once again when I finally confirmed it.

Negative.

I swallowed hard and toss it into the table. Napaupo ako, nanghihina ang mga tuhod.

Walang nagsalita sa aming dalawa ni Shantel pagkatapos nun. Alam kong nakikiramdam lang siya sa akin. I sucked in a small, shaky breath. My phone vibrated.

From: Rigor

Labas ka. Nandito ako.

Nag-panic ulit ako nang mabasa ang text niya. Shantel frowned at me as I quickly grabbed the pregnancy test and pushed it to the bottom of the trash can.

"Shit!" I cursed again when I went to the window to see if he's really here. He's standing outside, in the dark. Kabisadong-kabisado ko na ang bulto niya upang malaman na siya talaga yun.

"What's up?"

"Rigor's here." I pressed my knuckles into my mouth and shut my eyes. Gusto kong ipirme ang nagwawala kong puso pero mukhang wala itong balak na kumalma.

"Should I go out and ask him to leave? I can be really mean if I want to-"

"No!" I quickly cut her off. Nagtaas ng kilay sa akin si Shantel. I immediately cleared my throat. "I mean..." I gestured weakly towards the door. "I-I should probably talk to him..."

She shrugged and busied herself with her phone. I took in a deep breath and stepped outside. Rigor is just standing behind his parked car. He's looking directly at me. I licked my lower lip and went to him.

"Hey," I said softly, like I did not break his heart by pushing him away.

"Hi," he replied, like he wasn't hurt when I tear our relationship apart.

Tahimik kami sa sumunod na mga segundo, parehong nakikiramdam sa isa't-isa. Rigor looks tired. I've seen dark circles under his eyes before, but not this bad. His cheeks are also hollowed, and in the few weeks I haven't seen him, I think he lost some weight. The white shirt he's wearing is a bit wrinkled, as if he didn't even bother ironing it or making any effort to look good.

He's just... tired.

Kung anu-ano na kaagad ang pumasok sa isipan ko. Nasasaktan akong makita siya na ganito. I want to ran into him and hug him and kiss him and tell him not to go. I want to convince him that a life with me is worth more than a life with his dreams. I wanted to convince both of us that we can make this happen. We can set aside our dreams and pursue another path where we will be holding hands together.

I wanted to say all of this... but I can't.

"I'm sorry," inunahan na niya ako. his voice is raspier than usual, and I am suspicious that it's because of the constant graze of alcohol down his throat. "I should've told you about it."

Bumuka ang bibig ko pero wala pa ring salitang lumalabas. Rigor dropped his gaze to the ground. I've never seen him this miserable.

"I had mixed feelings when I received that offer from John Hopkins University, Czarina. You know how hard it is to apply for an admission, given their reputation. I wanted to tell you about it, but so much has happened. Ayoko nang dumagdag pa sa pino-problema mo."

Kumuyom ang kamao kong itinago sa likuran. I nodded slowly, willing to listen to his side.

"At first, I was planning to reject the offer. I tried to find excuses to stay here... longer. I got the LET units even though it was of no use to me. I applied to numerous art galleries in Manila. I actually got into one." He licked his bottom lip, then a humorless chuckle escaped from his throat. "That should be enough reason to stay, right?"

Hindi ako makaimik.

"But the more I push the offer away, the more I think about it. You were right. If I don't take this, I'll forever question myself about the road not taken. It could be the biggest break in my career."

Sumisikip ang dibdib ko nang mapagtantong hindi siya nagpunta rito upang humingi ng tawad. He's here to say goodbye...

"I'm sorry if I couldn't be the best boyfriend for you. I'm trying to be that kind of person, but I just kept on messing up. God knows how many times I want to go back to you and kneel for forgiveness, for not being good enough that'll make you want me to stay."

"Rigor, that's not-"

"Even if that's not the case, cherié, I still fucked up..."

Nanginig ang mga labi ko sabay ng pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata. I blinked back my tears and swallowed the lump in my throat. His eyes are glassy, like he's trying to suppress his own tears, too.

"I'm so sorry, cherié," he took a step and pulled me into a hug. Doon na ako naiyak. Rigor buried his face on my shoulders and started silently crying too. "I'll never forgive myself if I stay, and I'll never forgive myself if I don't go..."

I nodded. I understand what he's talking about. It's finally dawning on me. Even if I proposed the idea first, he always knew it. all I did was push him to the edge to act upon it.

"I'm not going to ask you to wait for me because that's so fucking selfish." He said and hugged me tighter, as if I'm going to disappear if he doesn't. Mas lalo lang nanikip ang dibdib ko. "And don't waste years of your life waiting for me, either. Can you promise me that?"

Gusto kong humindi at sigawan siya at murahin pero hindi ko magawa. Even though I know it's going to be a lie, I should promise him. He may or may not know that it's just full of bullshit, but if it will put his mind at ease as he steps inside the airplane that will take him to his dreams and far away from me, then so be it.

"I-I promise..." I almost choked on my own words.

He started to pull away, and I didn't want to let go. Neither did he. But Rigor is stronger than me. Both of us are not yet ready to end this and say goodbye but we have to. He took the first step back. His eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are wet from his own tears. I'm probably a sobbing mess right now.

I dread and hate this moment. This moment when it all comes to an end. This is also the moment to take it all back, to make a stupid decision, and to convince ourselves that it's going to work. But none of us says anything. Both of us stayed silent, as if we just accepted the cruel fate that we put upon ourselves.

"I should go." He cleared his throat and shoved his hands into his pockets. His gaze lingered at me one last time before he nodded. "Good night, cherié."

Napapikit ako nang sabihin niya iyon. It might be the last time that I'm going to hear those words from him, and it hurts like hell. I feel like my soul is being lit on fire and with every step he takes away from me, my heart breaks over and over again.

That night, I learned that happily-ever-afters are bullshit...

And sometimes, pregnancy tests can be deceiving.

-

#HanmariamBFLChap25