"Rigor!!"

Both of us were startled when loud, aggressive knocks sounded on his door. Kaagad akong bumangon kahit na sumasakit ang ulo ko. Rigor was cursing and reaching for his shirt. He helped me dressed while yelling back to his brother on the other side of the door.

I got dressed as quickly as I could and was surprised when I glanced at the clock.

It's already 8 in the evening. We spent the entire day on his bed, making love and comforting and crying once again. My entire body protested in pain as I watched Rigor hurriedly throw the door open.

"Thyron, I swear to fucking God if you're-"

"Silver collapsed. She-"

Before he could finish his words, Rigor was out of the room. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Thyron. I've never seen him mortified. His gaze went to the messy bed, then back to my face. He didn't say anything. Tinalikuran niya lang ako at hinabol ang kapatid sa baba.

My chest is thumping because I know something had gone wrong. Sinundan ko ang dalawa. When I got there, Rigor's angrily yelling the housekeepers to call an ambulance. Silver is barely conscious, gasping for air as his brother held him in his arms.

Natutop ko ang bibig sa sobrang gulat at sa bilis na rin ng pangyayari. The house is in a frenzy. It seems their father is not around, and not one of the elderly Treverons are also here.

"Calm down, Silver. Breathe..."

Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan. Silver's face is pale and her fingers are shaking. Minutes later, the sound of the siren startled me. Thyron went to the door and explained something to the paramedic. One of them is carrying a small oxygen tank and the other one crouched in front of Silver to connect her to the tank.

The paramedics moved quickly and transferred her into a stretcher. They were all heading out to the door. Nilingon ako ni Rigor.

"Czarina-"

"Go." I said immediately. "I'll be fine. I'll just... um, call for a taxi."

He hesitated for a moment, and the nodded.

"Call me."

Tinanguan ko siya at pinanuod silang lahat na sumakay sa ambulansiya. A life is at risk right in this moment. They wasted no time. Thyron's still closing the door but the vehicle had already moved and without seconds, it was out of my sight.

Binalot kami ng katahimikan nang mawala na ang ambulansiya. I glanced at the worried housekeepers, and they all looked away and went back to what they were doing. Bumuntong-hininga ako at bumalik sa taas upang kunin ang mga gamit ko. I went home afterwards.

As soon as I got home, I texted Rigor to tell him I'm fine. I didn't want to call or disturb him while he's in the hospital. Then, I went to have a hot shower. My body is in all sorts of pain and my eyes are puffy. I sighed once again and remained for a little longer, allowing the hot water to soothe my tired muscles and burning eyes.

Nagtagal ako ng kalahating oras sa loob ng banyo bago ko pinilit ang sariling lumabas at magpatuyo. I changed into a pair of shorts and an oversized shirt. Chineck ko ulit ang phone ko pero wala akong nakitang reply mula kay Rigor. I put it down and tried not to worry.

Silver's going to be fine.

Nakatulog ako nang hindi kumakain at nagising na lamang sa kalam ng sikmura. I dragged myself out of the bed. It's already past noon. I didn't know I slept that long. I checked my phone again and saw several missed calls from Rigor. Then there was a text that was sent 2 in the morning.

From Rigor:

She had an emergency surgery.

My throat went dry. I tried calling him again but he wouldn't answer. Hindi ako mapakali at paulit-ulit siyang tinawagan pero wala pa rin. I took a deep breath and almost jumped when my phone started ringing. I quickly answered it.

"Czarina."

I froze when I realized it wasn't Rigor's voice. It was my mother. Hindi ako nakaimik agad habang nagtatalo ang isipan kung papatayin ba ang tawag o hindi.

"I just wired you some money." Her voice is clipped and firm. I know that tone. She's used it to me so many times but this time, it feels very different. Umaakyat ang kaba mula sa tiyan hanggang sa lalamunan ko.

"Salamat po-"

"This is the last time I'm going to wire you some money, Czarina. Next week, my family will be leaving this country."

I stared into the wall blankly, not knowing what to say.

"Well... I'm just calling to let you know that we're not going to communicate again. Ever."

Mapakla akong natawa. "Hindi na po bago sa 'kin to,"

"The years I spent with your father are the worst years of my life, Czarina. And you are a reminder of my biggest mistake. My failure."

Paulit-ulit akong sinaksak sa patalim ng mga salita niya kaya itinikom ko ang bibig. Alam ko naman na ganito ang turing niya sa akin, noon pa man. But why does it hurt when it comes directly from her mouth?

My very existence is a failure, huh?

"I never loved your father, Czarina. Not once. He never made me happy. He's gone now. And to me, you are dead."

Hindi ko napigilan ang pagkawala ng hikbi sa bibig ko. I quickly covered my mouth to prevent the noises from reaching the other line.

"That's all, Czarina. Goodbye."

The call ended. My phone dropped to the floor as tears continued to fall down from my face.

Bakit ang sakit pa rin?

The sky must've sensed my dark feelings when it started to rain. The raindrops tapping against my windows were aggressive, as if shouting and mocking and driving me crazy. Kaagad akong tumayo.

My anxiety is getting into the worst of me so I picked up the broom and started cleaning my apartment. I mopped the floor, dusted the furniture, rearranged my books, and kept away my paintings in an attempt to clear my head. Hinayaan kong mapagod ulit ang sarili kahit na hindi pa ako nakakapagpahinga nang maayos. I grabbed my umbrella, went outside and took the trash.

Then I saw her.

She was curled like a fetus in the stoned steps outside my apartment, hugging herself as rain poured down on her. Nabitawan ko ang hawak at agad siyang nilapitan.

"Sorcha?"

She turned to me and I have never seen her so devastated. Her mascara is streaming down her face. Her lipstick is a mess. Sorcha's clothes are barely hanging on her body. Her hair is darker now that it's wet, framing her crying face.

"Oh my God..."

She just sobbed and run into me. Kaagad kong niyakap ang kaibigan. She was crying so badly that she could barely breathe. I asked her so many times to calm down but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"I killer her... Oh, God... I killed her, Czarina..."

My face twists in confusion as I placed both my hands on her frail shoulders and tried so hard to make her look at me.

"What are you talking about?"

Instead of answering, she cried some more. Paulit-ulit niyang iniling ang ulo habang gumagalaw ang bibig pero wala namang salitang lumalabas.

"Sorcha..." my voice broke. "Talk to me. Please."

"Z-Zechariah..." she stammered and was trembling so bad. "I was high... a-and there was gun... Collin... he... he was laughing and playing with the gun and we were fighting... and then... a-and..." she sobbed some more as if recalling it is beyond her sanity. "I didn't know it was loaded... I didn't... it went off, Czarina. The gun went off. It hit the driver and he lost control of the truck... he... he hit her. I killed her..."

Nabitawan ko siya, hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. She was a sobbing mess of a broken heart and haunted mistakes. She was panicking and looking left and right, as if she's trying to escape from someone or something.

"You shot him...?"

She cried again and nodded. "I didn't mean to... God, Czarina. I didn't mean to kill her!"

Naalala ko ang mukha ni Stormie nang matagpuang patay ang kaibigan sa gitna ng kalsada. It haunted my mind since then. Pinalabas na lasing ang driver kaya nito natamaan si Zechariah. And now he's serving life sentence behind the bars.

"Did your parents..." I choked on my words. I can't even bear to say it.

She nodded miserably.

"Oh my God..." I was lost in words as the truth finally sink into me. Her parents are lawyers. Powerful lawyers.

"Hindi ko kaya..." she's still crying. "Ako dapat ang nandun... sa kabaong, sa kulungan. Ako dapat, Czarina..."

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the tears streaming down my face. Akala ko ubos na ang mga luha ko, hindi pa pala. I gathered her in my arms and hugged her and we both cried in front of my door as the rain went down.

Today is a good day to die.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at pinigilan ang pagtulo ng luha. I frustratingly raked a hand through my long hair and swallowed a sob. Marahas kong ini-off ang phone ko at pinigilan ang paghikbi.

"Let's die together, Czarina..."

I turned to her and smiled sadly. Kinakain na ng dilim ang huling natirang sinag ng araw hudyat ng papalapit na gabi. Kami lang dalawa ang narito sa itaas ng engineering building. I watched in fascination as the sun sink gracefully in the horizons of La Union.

Today, I will fall with the sun.

"Sorcha..." ani ko, mahina ang tinig. Namumuo ulit ang mga luha sa mata ko.

Hindi sumagot si Sorcha. She licked her lips, smeared by the red lipstick she used to wear. Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa kaniyang cellphone upang tingnan ang oras.

3:49 pm.

She stood up and offered her hands to me. Nanghihina din akong tumayo. Sabay kaming naglakad patungo sa dulo ng building. Nararamdaman ko ang marahang panginginig ng mga kamay niya.

"This world is not meant for us, Czarina..." she whispered. I could feel her grip tightening on my hands. "It's cruel and wicked. It will continue to fuck us up until the day that we die. So... let's just end our pain together."

Napaluha ako. How hopeless we are. We're just two high college students who decided to end their lives together.

Isang mapaklang ngiti ang gumuhit sa mga labi ko. At least death wouldn't be that lonely for me. I never thought that even in death, Sorcha would remain my loyal companion.

"Langit, lupa, impyerno..." Sorcha sang the familiar tune I used to grow up listening to. Nilingon niya ako. "Saan tayo mapupunta, Zari?"

Gusto kong yakapin ulit ang kaibigan, pero nawawalan na ako ng lakas. Alam kong anumang oras ay bubuhos na ulit ang mga luha ko. Maybe she's got it worse than mine. The pain I experienced is nothing like hers.

Two depressed people advising each other is dangerous. Very dangerous.

Then she shrugged and wiped a tear away. "Kahit saan nalang siguro ako, basta wag lang ako maibalik dito sa lupa..." she chuckled bitterly. "I'm sick of humans. Tangina nilang lahat."

"Sorcha..."

Hindi siya kumibo. Tuluyan na niya akong hinila sa railings ng rooftop. Pumatong siya doon at iniabot ang aking kamay. I hesitantly took it and hauled myself up.

"Ang ganda, Czarina, ano?" she smiled at the sunset. "The last picturesque view I'm going to see before I'm gone."

Lumunok ako at nilingon siya. Tapos ay kinaladkad ko ang tingin pabalik sa kulay kahel na kalangitan.

If there's one thing that I'm glad I've witnessed when I was still alive, it would be the La Union's magical sunrise and sunsets. I've lived for the fall and rise of the sun. And together with the sun, we fall with the almighty. At our own will. Right now. In this building.

"Don't you dare disappear on me..."

The knot in my stomach tightened when I heard Rigor's voice inside of my head again. An image of him materialized in front of me, staring at me as emotions went in and out in his forest eyes.

For a second I was captivated. I wanted to step back and run back to him and let him protect me. But betrayal boiled hot in my blood that I pulled myself from my hallucination and faced my reality. Death.

I couldn't wake up in this world anymore. I've had enough. People are cruel and they will fuck you to death. Physically. Mentally.

Pasensiya na, Papa. Sutil ang anak mo. Hindi ako ang anak na magagawa mong maipagmalaki sa mundo. I am the bad kid that any parent would warn their children about.

Tumunghay ako sa ibaba ng building. Nalula kaagad ako sa taas namin. The five-storey engineering building is the perfect place to die. May rooftop. Walang masyadong tao. Tapos na ang mga klase at si Manong Guard lang ang narito. The students wouldn't feast our dead bodies once we hit the ground and our skulls will break into two.

"Bakit tayo pa, Sorcha...?" umiiyak kong tanong sa kaniya. "Gusto lang naman nating maging masaya, ah?"

Sorcha is on the verge of tears as well. Pero pinipigilan lang niya ang sarili. Even at the tip of death, she still tried to remain strong. I can't live looking at her like this. Tama nga siya. Mas mabuti pang mawala.

They say, teenagers are rebels without a cause. But I beg to disagree. Teenagers, yes, can be tad dangerous because of our reckless actions. If we were loved, understood, and praised by the people who are meant to take care of us, none of this would've happened.

If one person is more compassionate, more understanding, more kind towards us... we wouldn't be standing at the edge of this building, about to jump and die.

Kahit isang tao lang.

"Ayoko na. Pagod na talaga ako." she held my hands again and then glanced down. Lumunok siya. I could see the fear in her eyes but it was overwhelmed with the sheer determination to die. Tumigas ang ekspresiyon nito sa mga mata.

"Sorcha..." I said weakly. I should be talking her out of this, but I'm too much of a supportive best friend. If she wants to die, we'll die together. I'm fucked up, too. Sorcha wouldn't be able to get anything from me. I like the idea of dying. Sorcha knows it. It must be the reason why she offered me this on our way home from last night.

Depressed people giving advice to depressed people is scary. In our case, instead of lifting each other, we ended up agreeing to kill ourselves. How romantic. The tragedy of two college students who died as best friends.

When we're dead and gone, people would surely talk about us. But it wouldn't be long until they continue with their own lives as well. We will be forgotten. We will die leaving nothing but the dusts of our ashes. We will probably burn in hell after committing suicide together.

Gumalaw si Sorcha. Determinado na siyang tumalon. Despite the resolve I felt in my heart, I could still feel the fear creeping up to my chest. Nanginginig pa rin ang mga tuhod ko. Naramdaman kong binitawan ni Sorcha ang kamay ko.

"Czarina... let's rest."

Isang segundo.

Nahuli ako ng isang segundo. Sa isang segundong iyon ay inatake ako ng matinding takot at kaba. A deafening scream left my mouth when I saw her jump. Napaluha ako at napaatras. I hesitated. I could hear voices but wasn't able to determine if it's mine or someone else's. Pikit-mata akong umabante. I suspended my right leg to the air and was ready to jump when someone grabbed me by the waist.

Marahas ang paghila sa akin. I sucked in a gasp as my body pounded on the cemented floor. Pakiramdam ko ay mababasag ang ulo ko sa matinding pagbagsak. Nawalan rin ako ng hininga ng ilang segundo sa lakas ng tama. Nagwawala na ako at umiiyak nang malakas. Someone wrapped his arms around me and pinned me to the ground. I cried harder.

"Sorcha... Sorcha..."

"Fuck!"

I opened my eyes. A pair of forest eyes greeted me. A pair of sea green and cognac brow eyes. It reminded me so much of the dark woods. And the solitude it offers. Galit na galit ang mga mata nito. Patuloy pa rin ang pag-iyak ko at halos hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos. Rigor is breathing heavily on top of me before he released my hands and then ran to the railings when we both know that it was too late.

Nanghihina akong tumayo. Nagalusan pa ata ang siko ko nang ibinagsak niya ako sa semento kanina. Napatakip ako sa aking bibig at nanginginig na naglakad patungo sa railings. I didn't know how it was possible for him to materialize in front of me while I was just thinking about him earlier. I ignored it as my thoughts were overwhelmed by Sorcha.

"Don't you fucking jump, Czarina." Anito sa matigas at nagbabanta na boses.

I cried harder. Hindi ko magawang silipin ang katawan ni Sorcha sa baba nang makarinig ako ng isang malakas na pagsigaw. Someone must've seen her body. Or seen her jumped.

Nanghina ako. Napahagulhol. Hindi ko makayanan ang naghalo-halong emosyon sa dibdib ko. Rigor grabbed me harshly, as if he doesn't trust me anymore that I would stay still and not follow my best friend to death. He pulled me into a tight hug. We were both shaking. I cried and cried and cried. Ang pawis at luha ay naghalo na sa aking mukha. Some strands of my hair are sticking to my tear-stained cheeks.

Right now, I just need a miracle that Sorcha survived the fall.

But I know that it's not gonna happen. I'm fooling myself.

My best friend is already dead... and I'm still alive.
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#HanmariamBFLChap22