"Kumain ka na ba?"

I was staring at his back, pre-occupied with how good it looks even in the dim light. He only has LET units enrolled, so I guess he has more free time now and can work out anytime he wants.

"Czarina?"

"Huh?" startled, I looked up at him. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin nang pitikin niya ang noo ko. Rubbing my sore forehead, I scowled. "What?"

"Have you eaten yet?"

Nag-isip pa ako bago sumagot. Kung anu-ano nalang kasi ang pumapasok sa isipan ko, idagdag mo pa ang inaakto ni Sorcha kaya napakasabog kong kausap ngayon.

"Uhm... hindi pa."

"Let's order some food." He offered.

"Hindi na!" agap ko kaagad. I'm nearing the end of my money and a lot of unnecessary expenses were made during the intrams because food trucks are literally everywhere in the campus. Tuloy, nawala ako sa budget. "Magluluto na lang ako."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded, going to my kitchen. It's a small studio-type unit kaya kita ko pa rin siyang nakatayo sa mini living room. He looked so out of place in my small unit.

"Ano nga pala ang gusto mong pag-usapan?" tanong ko habang hinahanap ang takip ng rice cooker. I tip-toed to reach my cupboard and was startled when Rigor's hand suddenly appeared on top of mine. He effortlessly opened the cupboard for me. Napalunok ako nang maramdaman ang presensiya niya sa likuran ko. Even though I'm dating him already, I still couldn't get used to his overwhelming presence and his alluring smell.

"It's about your friend."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Nang lingunin ko siya, seryosong nakatingin si Rigor sa akin. I nodded slowly and bit my lower lip.

"Bakit? Anong meron?" I tried to lighten up the mood but he remained serious.

Rigor casually leaned against my kitchen counter, tearing his gaze from me.

"I think she's doing drugs."

Nabitawan ko ang takip ng rice cooker sa sinabi niya. Umalingawngaw ang pagkahulog nito sa sahig. I did not even bother to look at it as I stared at Rigor.

"Ano?"

He sighed, as if he's been expecting this kind of reaction from me. Kaagad akong na-offend pero hindi ko ito ipinakita sa kaniya.

"Thyron's worried about her so he had her followed-"

"Wait, what?" halos tumaas ang boses ko.

Rigor remained calm as I trembled in front of him. "She's really doing drugs, Czarina... with that Collin guy."

I wanted to be rational about this but I hated the way it sounds from him. I could see the mute accusation in his eyes whenever he talks about my friend.

"Your brother had no right to follow her." Matigas kong wika, pilit na tinataboy ang pag-usbong ng galit sa dibdib ko. "And I think he's just bitter because Sorcha chose Collin over him."

This time, it was Rigor's turn to frown.

"What are you even talking about, Cherié-"

"Don't cherié me!" I yelled, getting completely mad. "I hate that you and your brother are just doing things the way you want because you guys are rich and capable. That's considered stalking, you know? And even if it's true, Sorcha has every right over her privacy!"

Rigor stared at me for a few moments, and I could feel his fire-lit gaze piercing through my soul. Instead of mirroring my anger, he just sighed.

"You're not really mad at me, Czarina. You're mad because you had to hear it from me instead of Sorcha. If she's really your friend, she will tell you."

"What do you even know about our friendship, Rigor?" I asked dryly.

"Let's just talk again once you've calmed down." He gave me a glance and then sighed. "Mag-hapunan ka." Then he left.

I didn't realize that my hands were balled into fists and was shaking terribly until he left the apartment. Napaupo ako sa malapit na upuan, nanghihina ang mga tuhod. Kusa nalang tumulo ang mga luha ko. I wiped it angrily. I hate the fact that he's right about everything he said and I don't know how to respond to my conflicted feelings towards my friend. Ilang beses ko na bang itinanggi sa sarili ko na maaaring bumalik ulit si Sorcha sa pagd-droga? I knew it from the very start. Since she started abandoning me again and joining other circle of friends. I felt betrayed that she got back with Collin even after everything that's happened between them.

Taliwas sa bilin ni Rigor, hindi ako nag-abalang mag-hapunan nang gabing iyon.

The next day, I asked permission from my manager if I could leave work early. Buti nalang at hindi na rin niya tinanong kung bakit at kaagad namang pumayag. I changed from my uniform into a black bandage dress and put my hair up in a ponytail. I applied a bit of makeup and red lipstick. Kanina pa ako nakapag-text kay Sorcha pero wala naman siyang reply. Nevertheless, I'm going to show up to this party even if I'm uninvited.

Even though Sorcha's parents weren't fond of me, nakakapunta naman ako sa bahay nila. Sorcha has been throwing parties each time her parents are out for a business trip. When I arrived, I could hear the loud music blasting from a distance. I crossed the street and pressed the doorbell.

"Ma'am Czarina, ikaw pala!" one of the helpers opened the gate for me. She smiled at me.

"Si Sorcha?"

"Nasa taas po, kasama ang mga kaibigan niya."

Nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang kirot pero inignora ko ito at tinanguan ang kasambahay. I entered the house. She sure likes to throw big parties. A sea of drunken teenagers were dancing on the living room. Some were already making out in the couch. The kitchen is packed with different faces from different schools here in La Union. Hindi na nakialam ang mga kasambahay at nasa gilid lamang, halatang kinakabahan sa maaaring mangyari kapag nalaman ito ng mga magulang ni Sorcha.

I went upstairs and headed towards her room. Iyong room ng parents niya saka mga kuya niya, naka-lock. The rest of the available rooms are occupied with different strangers. I twisted the doorknob and opened the door without even knocking. Muntik na akong mapasigaw nang makitang ibang tao ang nasa loob ng kwarto niya.

"Shit!"

"Sorry!" kaagad kong isinara ang pinto, namumula ang buong mukha. Humigit ako ng isang malalim na hininga. When I turned, a drunk guy is staggering towards me down the hallway. Bigla akong natakot at kaagad na umabante sa kasunod na kwarto.

"Sorcha?" this time, I tried to knock. I could hear laughter and some noises inside. Pinihit ko ang doorknob at pumasok sa loob. As soon as I stepped inside, my entire body froze.

Sorcha, together with her friends were circling a glass coffee table. She grinned while carefully making a straight line of white powder using her credit card. The girls next to her were whispering and giggling to each other. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. None of them even noticed that I was standing there.

"Czarina, ikaw pala."

I turned and saw Collin, stepping out of the bathroom. Basa ang buhok at walang suot na panaplot sa itaas. He grinned at me as if it's normal to see them snorting cocaine in the guest room.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at dumiretso sa kaibigan. The other girls looked up at me when they heard me approaching. Sorcha's still bent over the glass table, snorting slowly with a lazy smile on her face.

"Sorcha."

Napatingin siya sa akin nang hatakin ko ang braso niya. She dropped her credit card to the floor. Sorcha laughed a little.

"Oops."

"Let's get you out of here."

I was so determined to drag her away but she only pulled back with an annoyed frown on her face.

"Get me out of here? I'm in my own house, Zari, if you haven't notice." She rolled her eyes.

Swallowing a sigh, I took her arm again. This time, I tightened my grip around her.

"Sorcha..." halos hindi ako makatingin sa puting powder na nakalinya sa lamesa. I couldn't bring myself to look at it. "You promised me you're never going to do drugs."

"Did I?"

Tears welled in my eyes. Collin shrugged and left with a girl. Mas lalong uminit ang dugo ko sa kaniya. The party is still going full blast downstairs. I wonder if they know they are having a private session here? What if the police suddenly come? What will happen to them?

"I guess promises are made to be broken, then." She shrugged and picked up her credit card and went back to her business.

"Sorcha... please." My voice broke. It pained me to see my friend suffering like this. I've heard of stories before, of how drugs is like a magic potion that drags you from reality to another fantasy world where problems doesn't exist. My father must've seen it, too. He couldn't stand his reality so he chose to create his own world with a bunch of white pills.

"Kung hindi ka sasali, umalis ka nalang." Malamig niyang tugon. One of the girls lazily yawned and pressed her head on the glass table, moaning something incoherent.

"Are you really going to ruin your life, Sorcha?" hindi ko napigilan ang galit at hinanakit sa tono ko. She looked up at me, confused, as if I had no right to be angry. I blinked back my unshed tears as my jaw clenched. "Rigor was right. If you were really my friend, you would've told me what's bothering you from the start. Instead, you resorted comfort from...this." I spat out the last word and it even left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Kumunot ang noo niya. She looks very offended as she stood and started dusting away the white powder from her shirt. "You think you're better than me, Czarina? Are you actually forgetting about your nicotine addiction?"

Hindi ko sinagot ang kaibigan.

She scoffed, letting out a humorless laugh.

"Do you really think that by snatching a Treveron, you're way better than anyone else? Do you really think that those expensive therapies ever work? Everyone could see what a mess the two of you are. Rigor's too good for you, in case you haven't notice. You're just using him to climb the social ladder, just like what you've been doing to me for the past years!"

I couldn't even bring myself to cry as the sharp edges of her words wound through my heart.

"Ganito ba talaga kababaw ang tingin mo sa 'kin, Sorch?" I almost choked.

She glared at me with bloodshot eyes. "You were never my friend, Czarina."

"Wow, okay." I nodded, tears falling from my eyes. "I see."

"See yourself out. I don't remember inviting you."

Nanginginig ang kalamnan kong tinungo ang pintuan. Sorcha is back with her friends, laughing and snorting. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the room. Pinunas ko ang mga luha at dali-daling bumaba. My chest is heaving so hard. All I could think is run away, lock myself in my room, and just... disappear. Whatever that means.

My plight to escape was dismissed when my gaze met the racks after racks of alcohol in the kitchen. No one is manning the alcohol and everyone is just grabbing their drinks by their own. Dinala ako ng mga paa sa kusina. I inspected the bottles, even though I am not familiar with any of them and grabbed the nearest liquor to me.

Lumabas akong dala-dala ang bote ng alak at sama ng loob. I twisted the cap open and tried to ignore the strong smell breezing out from the bottle's lips as I brought it closer to my mouth and took a huge gulp. I almost choked as the liquor made a sharp line down my throat, twisting the muscles in my stomach, and wanting me to throw up for a moment. I steadied myself while still holding the bottle and shut my eyes.

Determinado akong ubusin ang laman ng bote kaya naman nang mahimashimasan ay nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad habang painom-inom mula sa bote. I don't want to go home right now. It's dangerous for me to be alone with my thoughts while I'm intoxicated. My phone buzzed. Squinting, I pulled it out from my pocket.

From Rigor:

i hope you had your dinner already.

I ignored his text and shoved my phone back into my pockets. Tiningala ko ang langit. There were no stars or moon tonight and it looks like it's going to rain. Napailing ako at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Namalayan ko nalang ang sariling nakasakay sa taxi patungo sa bahay ng nanay ko. The driver was hesitant to take me in when he saw the bottle but I assured him that I'm still sober.

Inubos ko na ang dalang pera pambayad at lumabas ng taxi. How I'm going to get home, I have no idea. Nakatayo lang ako sa labas ng bahay ni Mommy. Feeling bitter, I took a swig of the alcohol again.

Harsh lights from a vehicle blinded me for a second, followed by the soft engine as it approached me. Mabilis akong tumalikod at naglakad na paalis.

"Mommy!"

Recognizing the tiny voice, I turned and saw my mother stepping out of the car even before the gates could open. Her little girl jumped from her nanny and ran to her. Laughing, my mother crouched and embraced her, then she kissed her forehead.

"How's my little princess today?"

Gumuhit ang hapdi sa dibdib ko habang pinapanuod ang mag-ina. She's never called me princess before. Even when the times when things are good between her and my father. Maybe to her, I'll always be her biggest mistake.

"Dad took me to a park, Mommy. There were lots and lots of dogs! Can I get one, Mommy, please?"

She looked at her daughter lovingly, brushing strands of her hair. "You can get as much as you want, sweetie. But you have to promise me that you'll take good care of the dog, okay?"

"Yey!" she jumped up and down. My mother laughed as they both stepped inside the gate. Ako naman, nanatiling nakatayo at hawak ang bote ng alak sa labas.

"Nakakaawa ka, Czarina." I laughed bitterly as I staggered towards the road while trying to make out things in the dark. I took a painful swig of the alcohol, hoping it would make me feel better. But it didn't. It just made me feel sick and lightheaded.

I cursed when I almost fell to my face because of the heels I'm wearing. Grunting, I took it off one by one and started walking barefoot. Malamig ang semento kaya ayos lang. My phone kept buzzing as I walked with my heels in one hand and the bottle of alcohol in the other.

It was so stupid of me to think that I'd be able to escape from the loneliness if I didn't go home tonight. I think of loneliness is my lover in my past life as he couldn't let me go. Swig after swig, I came into realization that maybe I'm just meant to be alone in this world.

I didn't know how I managed to walk from my mother's house to Rigor's, but the next thing I knew, my feet are bleeding. I must've stumbled upon a broken glass or something. Strangely, I couldn't feel any pain at all. Must be the alcohol.

"Gosh! This is so annoying!"

Napalingon ako nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses nang magbukas ang gate. I met face to face with Silver. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya nang makita ako.

"Ate Czarina...?"

I smiled sadly at her.

"Nandito ba ang Kuya mo?"

"He just went out to find you." Kumunot ang noo niya nang lumapit sa akin. "What the heck happened to you?!"

Hindi ako sumagot at hindi rin ako nag-protesta nang hatakin niya ako papasok sa bahay nila. Instead of going to the front door, she led me to the garden at the back of their house as she fished for her phone while her other hand is holding mine.

"Hello? Kuya, nandito syota mo! She's bleeding, you idiot. Hurry up!"

She rolled her eyes as she ended the call and glanced at me again. Napangiwi siya nang makita na papaubos na ang laman ng boteng hawak ko.

"Even my brothers doesn't drink Jack Daniels straight from the bottle." She snatched it away from me and shook her head. "What were you even thinking?"

Hindi ako sumagot. I was so tired and my head is spinning so I took a seat. Pinanuod lang ako ni Silver.

"I'll get you some water-"

"Czarina!"

I turned and saw Rigor running towards me. He's just wearing a pair of blue striped pajama and a white cotton shirt. Nakasunod sa kaniya si Thyron.

His eyes darkened when he saw my feet. Thyron pointed a finger at me.

"Hindi mo ko pinansin kanina! Tinatawag kita pero bigla ka nalang umalis sa party na may dalang alak! I had to tell Rigor..."

I bit my lower lip. Thyron's voice sounded so annoying. I felt like swimming in my own head and no matter how much they point out that my feet are bleeding, I couldn't feel anything.

Rigor crouched in front of me and inspected my feet. I heard a series of profanities escaping from his mouth. Nagsikuhan naman sina Silver at Thyron. He glanced up at me with clenched jaw. He's obviously mad.

"Tara sa taas."

I nodded and tried to stand, but I couldn't even keep myself standing for no more than two seconds. He wrapped his arm around my waist and led me to the back door.

"Ako na ang bahala dito, Thy, Silver. Matulog na kayong dalawa."

They answered in chorus but I couldn't make out what they were saying because I'm too dizzy and I felt like throwing up. Rigor carefully assisted me and when I almost fell twice, he decided to just carry me upstairs as if I weighed nothing.

"What were you thinking?" he asked me angrily.

"Can you call me princess?" I murmured, leaning my face against his hard chest.

"What?"

"Call me princes..." I said, yawning. "You smell good."

He sighed and kicked the door to his room open. Ilalapag niya na sana ako sa kama nang maramdaman ko ang pagbaliktad ng sikmura ko. I immediately ran to the restroom and started throwing up in the toilet.

Hurried footsteps followed me to the restroom. I felt Rigor gathering my hair. Hinagod-hagod niya din ang likod ko. My stomach clenched and unclenched. Hingal na hingal ako nang matapos. He flushed the toilet for me and help me to the sink. I washed my mouth clumsily, giggling for no literal reason. Rigor sighed once again as he made me sit in the toilet. May hinalungkat siya sa itaas ng sink at mayamaya pa ay lumitaw ulit siya sa harapan ko.

"Open your mouth, Czarina. I'm going to brush your teeth."

I could barely make out what he was saying but my mouth followed when he pressed a finger to my lips. He's crouched in front of me, carefully brushing my teeth while I was half-asleep in the toilet. After that, he made me rinse and he started cleaning my wound as well.

When he was done, he carried me back to his bed and gently laid me down. Nawala siya ng ilang minuto, pero agad din namang bumalik.

"I'm going to take your clothes off. Your dress is full of... puke." Umiling-iling pa siya. I just giggled as a response.

He helped me up and reached for the zipper of my dress. I was too dizzy to know what was going on. I just knew that I felt more comfortable when the dress slid down my body and was replaced by a cotton shirt.

"Go to sleep." He said after tucking me in to bed. He's picking up my discarded clothes on the floor.

"Rigor...?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry." I sighed, and couldn't even prevent the tears from spilling from my eyes. "You were right." I croaked.

"Go to sleep, Czarina." He abandoned the clothes and pressed a kiss on my forehead. "We'll talk tomorrow."

I nodded weakly as I doze off to sleep.

-

#HanmariamBFLChap20