Warning: Bleed for Love deals with themes of physical and mental abuse, sexual trauma, toxic relationships, and depression. Some chapters of this book can trigger and be distressing to some readers. Please read at your own risk.

Chapter 2

"Shit! Parang mababasag ang ulo ko..." Sorcha groaned.

Naalimpungatan ako sa pagmumura niya noong umagang iyon. I slowly opened my eyes and the back pain from sleeping in the floor suddenly hit me. Napaigik pa ako bago ko dinahan-dahan ang sarili na tumayo. I groggily turned to my friend.

Sorcha's mascara streamed down her face. Kahit anong pilit ko sa kaniya kaninang madaling araw, ayaw niya talagang tanggalin ang makeup niya kaya hinayaan ko nalang. She looks like a mess.

"Parang masusuka ako. Tangina. May sigarilyo ka ba?" hinawi niya ang takas na mga buhok. She looked around desperately for a cigarette. Ituturo ko pa sana ang drawer kung saan ko itinatago ang naiwang sigarilyo nang makakita siya ng stick. Kaagad niya itong hinablot at sinindihan.

"Shit! Sorcha!" I screamed and run towards her. Gulat na napatingin sa akin ang kaibigan. I snatched the cigarette from her and cursed out loud. "Shit, shit, shit."

"Bakit ba? Anong problema?" medyo naiirita na din niyang tanong sa akin habang nagpapanic ako kung paano papatayin ang apoy sa sigarilyo.

In the end, I crushed the tip of the cigar with my palm. The pain made me freeze as I swallowed a series of curse and then slowly calmed myself. Dahan-dahan kong ibinaba ang tingin sa namumulang palad. The cigarette is no longer lit, but I must've crushed it in the process. I could barely read Rigor's number on the shaft.

"Anong meron?" kuryusong tanong ni Sorcha. Medyo nahihilo pa siyang tumayo at sinilip ang numerong nakasulat sa sigarilyo. "Wow, that's new. Who's this guy? Break na ba kayo ni Max?"

Bahagya akong nanigas sa sinabi niya. I bit my lower lip and looked away. Ayokong pinag-uusapan si Max nang ganito kaaga. Nasisira kaagad ang mood ko.

"Kumain muna tayo ng agahan," ani ko.

She shrugged and went back to bed. Ako naman ay tinungo ang bag kung saan ko inilagay ang cellphone. I grunted when I found out that the battery is dead, so I charged it and placed the cigarette atop the device.

"Bakit ka nawala kagabi? Hinanap kita," aniya habang pinagmamasdan akong gumalaw sa kusina. I bit my lower lip, thinking of an excuse, but couldn't come up with any. In the end, I told her the truth.

"Nag-away kami ni Max."

"Na naman?" she chuckled. "Para talaga kayong mga bata. I warned you before dating that prick cousin of mine. Alam mo namang spoiled yun at dapat makuha niya lahat ng ginugusto."

He's not just spoiled. He's a walking nightmare.

"Oh, eh nasan na siya ngayon?"

"I don't know... probably sleeping with another woman again." Binulong ko ang huling parte bago tinuon ang atensyon sa piniprito kong itlog.

"God, I can't remember what happened last night. I must've drank a lot, huh?" she chuckled and ran a hand through her hair. I know I look like a mess, too. Naparami rin ang inom ko kagabi pero mas ramdam ko ang pananakit ng likod kesa sa pagpintig ng ulo ko dulot ng alak.

"Yeah, you're such an embarassment." Inilapag ko ang toasted bread at fried egg sa maliit na lamesa. "Here, your highness. Kumain ka na." Sarkastiko kong wika.

Sorcha just laughed it off and sauntered towards the small kitchen, snatching the breakfast and eating in crossed legs.

"So, what happened?"

Napahinto ulit ako at binalikan ng mga alaala ko ang nangyari kagabi. After I found Max kissing another girl and practically dry humping her in the corner, I fled and cried in silence. Doon ako natagpuan ni Rigor. He and his Greek-y dogs distracted me from the pain. For a moment, I felt good.

"Rigor talked to me."

Muntik nang maibuga ni Sorcha ang kinakain niya sa pagmumukha ko. Nanlalaki ang mga mata niyang nakatingin sa akin.

"Rigor? As in Rigor Vaughn Treveron?"

I slowly nodded, blush seeping into my cheeks.

"What the hell? What does that pervert want from you?"

I tilted my head in confusion. "Huh? Nilalandi-landi mo kaninang madaling araw nung hinatid tayo tapos ngayon tatawagin mong manyak?"

"Those Treverons are nothing but walking dicks!" she drew her lips in a snarl. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa tinidor. "Trust me. Kahit anong gwapo ng mga yan, mga tarantado sila."

"Are you talking about Thyron?"

This time, it was her turn to blush. Kaagad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin.

"I-I'm not talking about him! Thyron is just a... fling! A damn, useless fling."

"Ah, kaya pala affected ka." I said easily and took a bite of my toast. Sorcha is very secretive and growing up in a tough family full of lawyers, she had a hard time expressing her feelings. Even her true self is disgraced by her own family, so she's always cautious when it comes to her emotions. That also explains the random mood swings na nakasanayan ko na.

"Whatever. If I were you, I'll stay away from them. They screw everyone and leave them with broken hearts."

Just like your cousin, Max.

Lunes ng umaga, inagahan ko ang punta sa campus. I enrolled in Sta. Veronica college because it's the cheapest tuition I could afford. Sorcha, despite being well-off, followed me to the "cheap-looking, incompotent" college, according to her parent's words, when she found out I'm taking art history. Pinayagan lang siya ng mga magulang niya na dito mag-aral kung political science ang kukunin niya kaso mukhang hindi niya naman sineseryoso. I'm sure it her way of declaring rebellion against her parents.

Rigor Vaughn Treveron

Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa numero niyang naka-save na sa cellphone ko. Should I call him? I want to hear his voice again but I'm not sure if calling him is even appropriate. He only said I should call him whenever I need him, right?

Isinandal ko ang ulo sa malamig na semento. Sa sobrang aga ko ay nakakandado pa ang pinto ng room namin. Some of my blockmates are just wandering around the field while others are sitting in the ledger, talking with each other about the newly-released music of their favorite band.

I bit my lower lip and dropped my gaze to my phone again. I've already deleted all of Max's messages and blocked his number. He wouldn't stop calling me after I declared that I'm breaking up with him. Mabuti nalang at hindi siya rito nag-aaral. I could feel safe walking around the campus.

In the end, I walked away from the room, feeling bored from waiting. Balak ko sanang bumili ng kape sa vending machine ng cafeteria namin. I needed to cross two buildings and a field to reach the cafeteria. Kaso, habang naglalakad ako sa gitna ng field ay may nahagip ang mga mata ko.

Treverons. Sitting on the ledger.

Si Philodemus ay may hawak na gitara at tahimik na nagh-hum ng kanta habang si Thyron naman ay tinabihan ang dalawang babae na nakiki-jam sa kanila. A lot of people are throwing glances at them. Tila walang pakialam si Philodemus sa kanila at patuloy lang sa pagkanta, mukhang may sariling mundo ata. Dumako ang paningin ko sa kanan, kung saan tahimik na nakaupo si Rigor at may binabasang libro. Kagaya ni Philodemus, hindi rin siya interesado sa mga babaeng nakitabi sa kanila. Tanging si Thyron lang ang panay entertain sa mga iyon.

Napangiti ako nang hindi namamalayan.

I walked slower, taking in the sight of him. Tinatamaan pa ang buhok niya ng pang-umagang araw. He's so serious and lost in the book that he's reading. I hoped for a moment that he'd glance up at me.

Mukhang naramdaman niya nga ata ang tensiyon ng titig ko sa kaniya kasi itinaas niya ang tingin at saglit na nagtagpo ang mga mata namin. Before he could react, or I could embarass myself, I fastened my pace and quickly went to the cafeteria, pretending as if I didn't see him.

Malakas ang pintig ng puso ko nang makarating sa cafeteria. I swallowed hard and slowed down, trying to still my breath. Damn, Czarina! Titig lang yun. Para kang teenager.

Clenching my fists, I went straight to the vending machine and punched the buttons for some coffee. The machine made a whirring sound and the cup came out. While waiting, I heard someone clear his throat.

I snatched my coffee first and turned. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at muntik nang mabitawan ang mainit na kape nang makita si Rigor sa harapan ko. Nag-panic kaagad ako. Ang isang kamay na hawak ang mga libro ay bumigay kaya isa-isang nahulog ang mga ito sa sahig. I closed my eyes in embarassment. My coffee shook and spilled a bit, too.

Rigor chuckled. He crouched in front of me at isa-isang pinulot ang mga libro. Halos hindi ako gumagalaw. I am wearing a skirt, for god's sake! I know it's a mid-length skirt dahil bawal sa campus ang sobrang iksi. And based on how he acted, I know he's not some kind of a maniac. Still, I can't help but think about many things! Lewd things!

Doon lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag nang tumayo na siya at pinagpagan pa ang mga libro bago iniabot sa akin. I swallowed again.

"S-Salamat."

"A bit clumsy, aren't we?"

I gave him an uncomfortable smile and stepped away so he could use the vending machine, too. Dumukot siya ng pera mula sa bulsa at isiniksik doon sa tab, sabay lingon sa akin.

"Wala ka bang klase?"

"In 30 minutes." Namula ang mga pisngi ko sa kahihiyan. Is he silently shooing me away? Bakit ba ako naka-abang rito. "Sige, alis na-"

"Teka lang." Mabilis niyang tugon at hinintay ang pagkapuno ng cup niya ng coffee. "Kakasabi mo lang na 30 minutes ang klase mo eh."

Napanganga ako. I thought he...

He finally had his coffee and smiled. He jerked his chin towards the field. "Alas nuebe pa ang klase ko."

Tumango lang ako at sumimsim sa kape para naman makalma ang sarili ko. My mind is still busy trying to come up with something to say when a manicured hand grabbed my arm. Startled, I turned.

Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Sorcha.

"Hoy Treveron, what are you trying to do with my friend, ha?"

Rigor chuckled. "Good morning, Sorcha."

"Why don't you get other girls to screw? May boyfriend 'to!"

Natigilan saglit si Rigor at nilingon ako. Hindi naman ako makatingin sa kaniya. Now that he saw the text...

"Lagot ka kay Maximo kapag nalaman niyang umaaligid ka kay Czarina. If I were you, I'd get lost."

"Max is her boyfriend?" kita ang pag-igting ng panga niya sa pigil na galit.

Sorcha has no idea that Max is abusive and toxic. Natatakot akong sabihin sa kaniya noon pa dahil nga magpinsan ang dalawa. Ayoko namang sirain ang relasyon nila. I'm still trying to find a way to end things with Max so he wouldn't bother me anymore.

"Yes." My friend stuck her nose into the air, cocking a brow. "Maximo Arzano. Pamangkin ng Mayor ng San Fernando. Kilala mo naman siguro, diba?"

Hindi siya sumagot. I could see him getting angry but he's restraining himself. Immediately, I cleared my throat and decided to step between them before things could escalate.

"U-Uhm... Rigor, may homework pala akong dapat tapusin. I'll see you around. Sorch, tara na..."

"Bye-bye, dum-dum!" kantyaw pa ni Sorcha na oblivious sa panggigil ni Rigor.

I saw his lips draw back in a snarl. He must be stopping himself from cursing out loud. Tumalikod na siya sa amin pero kitang-kita ang tense ng mga balikat niya. I saw him throw the untouched coffee in the bin and exited the cafeteria.

"What's with that dork? Bakit parang gulat yun na nalamang may boyfriend ka?" tanong ni Sorcha habang naglalakad kami patungo sa art department.

"Let's not... talk about Max, okay?" ani ko sa mahinang boses.

"Why? Are you finally breaking up with him?"

I don't want to disappoint her. Sorcha is the biggest fan of our relationship, even if it's a secret to many. Noong una, nagtataka ako kung bakit ayaw ni Max na isapubliko ang relasyon naming dalawa. All the girls in La Union who are interested with him thinks that he is single. Every time I brought it up, he'd just shut me down and tell me lame excuses about a reputation to maintain, the image of his Uncle, and among many other things that seemed stupid to me.

"May ginawa ba si Max? Sabihin mo lang at isusumbong ko siya sa mga kuya ko. He may be a jerk, but he can't stand against my brothers. They're trying to win me back so maybe I could ask them a favor or two?"

Marahan akong umiling. "Hindi na. Ayos lang, Sorch..."

"What's going to happen between the two of you?"

Sa totoo lang, nakapag-decide na ako. I really wanted to end things with him now. I will only poison myself the longer I stay in this toxic relationship. I know I'm trash. But he doesn't need to remind me that I'm just a piece of shit each time we're together. I also know that I'm not worthy, but there's no need to prolong my agony by being with him.

Me:

Let's meet after class.

Isinilid ko pabalik ang phone ko sa bag habang patuloy pa rin sa pagl-lecture ang professor namin. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. I needed to end things with him now or I'll never escape from this trap. Kaya naman mas mabuting kausapin ko na siya kahit alam kong sisigawan lang niya ako. This is going to be the last time he'll yell at me.

Kabado ako pagkatapos ng klase. I told him to meet me at the back of the campus. May mga kahoy na upuan doon kung saan nakakonekta sa high school. Iyon ang madalas na tambayan ng mga college students na gustong mag-cut ng klase o di kaya'y doon nanananghalian ang ibang high school students. I chose this spot because it's private, and even if Max insults me to the ground, no one would hear about it.

Halos kalahating oras siyang late. Aalis na sana ako nang makita ko ang matangkad niyang bulto na papalapit sa akin. Suddenly, I'm scared but I refused to show it. Tinagpo ko ang madilim na tingin niya sa akin. Nang makarating sa harapan ko ay hinagis ni Max ang satchel niya sa lamesa at tinitigan ako.

"Ano? Makikipaghiwalay ka na sa akin?" I could hear the accusation in his voice.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. It's now or never, Czarina.

"Tangina mo talaga 'no? Napaka-hipokrita mo, Czarina!"

"What are you even talking about?" I irritatingly snapped at him. Siya na nga ang nahuli kong nangangaliwa, siya pa 'tong galit!

He scoffed sarcastically. "Some of my friends saw you flirting with that damn Treveron. So, ano? Yung hayup na yun ang pinalit mo sa akin?"

"I'm not flirting with him." Matigas kong sinabi. Heck, we've only been together twice and the last time it didn't even lasted for five minutes!

"Wag mo nga akong ginagago." He harshly cupped my chin to make me look at him. Kita ko ang gigil sa mga mata niya. "Gaano na kayo katagal, ha? Ano, mas masarap ba siya sa akin, Czarina? Mas marami ka bang mahuhuthot na pera sa lalaking iyon?"

Tears brimmed my eyes. I swallowed the lump in my throat and pushed him away.

"Nasasaktan ako, Maximo!"

"Malandi ka kasi. Tangina mo. May gana ka pang magalit sa akin eh ikaw naman tong lalandi-landi sa ibang lalaki. Ibang klase ka rin,'no?"

Gustong-gusto ko nang umiyak. But I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Kung alam ko lang na isusumbat niya sa akin ang mga panahong humingi ako ng tulong sa kaniya pangtustos sa tuition fees ko, hindi ko na sana ginawa yun. I refused Sorcha's help dahil hiyang-hiya na ako sa kaniya. I just wasn't expecting that Max would turn the tables like this.

"Sige, magpakasaya ka sa bagong lalaki mo. Huwag na huwag kang makabalik sa akin kapag nagsawa na siya sa iyo!" he spatted angrily and stared at me in disgust before grabbing his bag and walking away.

Ilang segundo akong tulala nang makaalis siya. After a few moments of silence, isa-isa nang pumatak ang mga luha ko. I intended to cry silently but the pain is just unbearable. Isinubsob ko ang mukha sa mga palad at humagulhol. I wanted to let it all out. Isang beses ko lang ilalabas, pagkatapos, wala na. I will never turn back into this dark moment of my life.

Humugot ako ng isang malalim na hininga at kinalma ang sarili. My vision is a bit blurry because of crying so I stayed there for a few more minutes. Nang tuluyan na akong mahimashimasan ay inayos ko ang sarili at umalis na. Dumiretso kaagad ako sa apartment.

When I arrived home, it was eerily silent. Usually, I loved solitude. Being forced to live alone and be independent at a young age, the silence never bothered me. But now... it's just unbearable. Siguro hindi pa talaga ako lubos na nakakamove-on sa mga masasakit na salitang binitawan ni Max kanina.

I collapsed in my bed and stared at my phone. Ilang ulit ko ding pinag-isipan kung anong dapat kong gawin. I was just glad he didn't hit me earlier. Mukhang gigil na talaga siya. Humugot ako ng isang malalim na hininga at pinindot ang number ni Rigor para makapag-send ng text message.

Me:

Hi! It's me. Zari :D

Pikit-mata kong pinindot ang send at itinapon ang phone sa kama. Mabagal ang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib ko habang nilalamon ng matinding katahimikan. I am filled with doubts again. Tonight, overthinking will be my dinner. I'll allow myself to drown in thoughts if it means a one-way ticket to forgetting everything that's happened.

I started getting sleepy. Bumangon ako at binuksan ang drawer kung saan ko tinago ang mga sigarily. Hastily, I pulled out a stick with my trembling fingers. Hinanap ko kaagad ang lighter at sinindihan. I was about to let the fire lick the tip when my phone rang, startling me. Cursing, I dropped the cigarette and stared at the screen.

Rigor Vaughn Treveron calling...

-

#HanmariamBFLChapter2