Experts say that in every seven years, the cells in your entire body is completely replaced. It gives me comfort that in time, I will have a body that Max have never touched, skin that my mother have never dug, and face that people who hurt me have no longer access to.

Ito ang pinanghahawakan ko. Time, indeed, heals everything. I just need to be patient and hold until I am well over it. I know the scars in my heart will remain forever, but there's nothing that alcohol couldn't erase... well, at least temporarily.

Humigit ako ng isang malalim na hininga at sinulyapan ang orasan. I want the clock to stop ticking right now. Even if I am forever stuck with my boring professor in such a boring subject, I'll rather have it than face my abuser.

Pinisil-pisil ko ang mga daliri habang aligaga sa sariling upuan. If I back out now, I'll always be looking back at my shoulder, afraid that he may come at me anytime. I'll never be able to move on, no matter how much I hate the guy. The pinnacle of satisfaction to me is telling him that his disturbing urge to control me has come to an end.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang mahinang vibration ng cellphone ko. I looked under my desk and squinted at the tiny words containing Rigor's text message.

Rigor:

silver wants to play blackjack tonyt at da house. do u want to come?

I gave my professor a side-glance and saw she's grilling another student, so I quickly typed a reply.

Ako:

pass. constipated ako.

Parang gusto kong sampalin ang sarili sa sinend sa kaniya! Bakit naman ganun ang naisip kong rason? I could've reasoned out the upcoming final exam or any other important things pero yun talaga ang unang pumasok sa isipan ko! Hindi kaya ma-turn off sa akin ang lalaki?

Rigor:

haha okay.

Bigla akong nag-overthink sa reply niya pero hindi ko naman sinagot. Instead, I squeezed my phone back to the depths of my skirt when the professor scowled and turned to me. Nginitian ko si Ma'am.

Nang matapos ang klase ay kaagad na akong umalis sa campus. I don't want to risk the chance of Sorcha or Rigor spotting me in the hallway. While waiting for a tricycle, I saw Thyron from the corner of my eye. Nakatayo siya at mukhang may hinihintay. Dali-dali akong sumakay sa pinakaunang tricycle na namataan.

I sighed, my fingers fidgeting nervously. Naiirita ako sa kasabay kong high schoolers sa likod na kanina pa naghahagikhikan. Hindi ko nalang pinansin at balisang nagbigay ng bayad sa driver ng tricycle nang marating ko na ang pakay.

Sa likod ng lumang 7/11 ay malawak na bakanteng lote. Ilang hakbang lang ay ang dagat. Maraming tao rito, lalo na tuwing hapon at gabi kaya naman ito ang pinili kong lugar kung saan kami magkikita. If he dares to lay a hand on me again, at least I'll have several witnesses by my side.

Nakatingin ako sa dagat sa hindi kalayuan nang mamataan ko ang pagtama ng ilaw sa akin galing sa sasakyan. I turned and saw Max coming out from his Honda Civic. He looked... better now. Unlike the last time I saw him, his eyes aren't bloodshot. In fact, he looked ridiculously happy.

Mas lalo akong kinutuban nang masama. Sinulyapan ko ang maiingay na high schoolers na nakaupo sa sementong bato, kumakain ng siopao na binili nila mula sa 7/11. May nagtitinda rin ng mais at may iilang sasakyang nakaparada. I should be safe...

"Czarina..." he was about to reach for my arm but I quickly withdrew. Nanatili akong nakatayo. I did not dare take one step backward because he will immediately take it as a sign of inferiority.

A muscle in his jaw twitched. Ibinalik niya ang napahiyang kamay sa bulsa at tinanguan ang kotse.

"Should we really talk here?"

"Nagkasundo tayo, Max." I said carefully.

He sighed an exasperated breath. "I don't know why you're acting like this... you're making me look like the bad guy."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Ignoring his comment, I went straight to the point.

"Take down that photo at once, Max. Alam nating dalawa na hindi ako yun."

He shrugged. "How will I ever know where that photo lands? Sinend yun sa GC..."

My mouth snapped shut, fuming from anger. Pinilit kong ikalma ang sarili.

"Then at least try to right your wrong. My scholarship is at stake here. The admins won't believe that the photo does not belong to me."

"You want me to admit to the public that the photo is not yours?" pagkaklaro niya.

"Yes."

He gave me a sick, lopsided grin. "Gagawin ko lang yan sa syota ko, Czarina. Hiwalay na tayo, diba? Why would I do you favors?"

"Asshole." Anger got the better of me as I spat the word out. I took in a deep breath to steady myself.

"Come on, baby, let's talk." He gestured to his car again. "I really prefer my privacy when talking about personal things."

"For a guy who leaked someone's nudes, you don't know the meaning of the word privacy, Max." I gritted my teeth in anger.

"I know what you're doing..." prente niyang wika. Isiniksik ulit niya ang mga kamay sa bulsa at bored akong tiningnan. "You're pulling this stunt with Rigor to make me jealous, right? Hindi ko alam kung papaano mo napapayag si Rigor sa set-up na ito..." he chuckled.

"This may come as a surprise to you, but my life doesn't evolve around you, Maximo." I said dryly. "Nung sinabi kong tapos na tayo, tapos na talaga tayo. At huwag mong idadamay si Rigor dito. Ni hindi nga niya alam na nage-exist ka pala kung hindi niya nalaman sa iba na ex kita."

Mayabang na nagtaas ng kilay si Max. "Oh, really? Then he must be brainwashing you to do this to me. I know that jerk, Czarina. He's bad news. Paiikutin ka rin niya at iiwan kapag nagsawa."

Mas lalong umiinit ang ulo ko sa mga pinagsasabi niya. Can't this guy understand a thing? Paano ko natagalan ng dalawang taon ang lalaking ito?

"Does he know about your mother? Alam ba niya na ang nanay mo, kabit ng isang doktor sa kabilang bayan bago niya kayo iniwang dalawa ng tatay mo? Alam din ba niyang adik ang tatay mo, Czarina?" he cackled. "Should I tell it to him? Lahat ng mga baho mo..."

Nanginginig ang mga kamao ko sa sobrang galit. I blinked back the unshed tears. Umingay ulit ang mga high schoolers na mukhang may pinagt-tsimisan sa likuran.

"Does he know about your addiction to nicotine? The drinking... constant begging... going on and off... does he know all about it? Cause you're more than just a pretty face, and we both know it."

At first, it was just a voice. A tiny voice, a remnant from my childhood living at the back of my head, whispering me to avenge myself every time this guy pushes my buttons or steps on my nerves. Over the time, the tiny voice grew louder and louder, and now I can't even hear my own thoughts anymore. The voice screamed inside of my head, making me tremble.

"This may also come as a surprise to you but Rigor is someone I understand from my level. He came from a well-bred family. Why would you think he'll choose you? What makes you think that the Treveron's would let in such a filthy girl like you in their family?"

Why is he even talking about this...

"Max..." I said with my calmest voice. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. "Gusto mo bang malaman kung anong totoong nararamdaman ko para sa iyo?"

He just inclined his head as an invitation. Nanginginig akong naglakad at nilampasan siya, patungo sa kotse niya. Max followed, chuckling.

"Finally..." he said.

I turned to him again with a blank face before I snatched a big rock and smashed it right into the glass of his car. Nabulabog ang mga estyudanteng nakatambay habang gulat na gulat namang nakatingin si Max sa akin.

"You crazy bitch—"

He tried to take the stone from me but I managed to push him and gave it one last smash before he man-handled me. Halos itulak niya ako palayo sa pinakamamahal na kotse.

"Anong ginagawa mo?!" his voice thundered in anger.

"You want to know how I feel about you?!" I screamed, tears streaming down my cheeks. Itinuro ko ang basag niyang kotse. "This. This is how I feel for you! I want to hurt you as much as you hurt me! Can't you see? I am miserable because of you, Maximo Arzano! There is no day that I don't regret letting you enter my life!"

He let out a dry chuckle. Itinuro niya ang kotse. "You really have to pay for this one, Czarina."

"I am frustrated, and angry, and terrified of you!" I said, gasping and panting for breath. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko sa sobrang galit at gigil. My hair is in shambles, my bag thrown to the ground. "Kung hindi mo pa rin ako naiintindihan, eh di putangina mo, Max! Wala na tayo! Sana matanggap mo yun."

"You little bitch—" he advanced towards me and grabbed my arm. Tumutulo pa rin ang luha ko but I did not give him the satisfaction of seeing me terrified. "Sinasagad mo talaga ang pasensiya ko, Czarina!"

I opened my mouth to retort, but felt someone harshly pulling me away from him. I stumbled and glanced upon the tall shadow. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita ko si Kirby na masamang nakatingin sa kaniya.

Max scoffed. "Ano? Makikisali ka rin sa aming bakla ka?" he said, disgusted.

"Leave her alone, Max." he said restrained anger.

"Gago ka pala eh..."

Inambahan siya ng suntok ni Max na mabilis niyang nailagan. Shock and relief pulsated through my veins. The former dominated when Kirby effortlessly slammed him into the ground using his own weight. He let out a painful shriek, and I winced.

"Kirb!"

Kaagad akong tumayo at hinila ang kaibigan bago pa kumunekta ang kamao niya sa mukha ni Max.

His fist trembled mid-air. Hinawakan ko iyon at pilit na inilayo. I want to satisfy myself of seeing Max being beaten to death but I don't want my friend to get into trouble. Max threw the first punch. We shouldn't have any problem as long as Kirby doesn't assault him because I know he is well capable of amputating the guy if he wants to.

"I'll say this again asshole because you don't seem to be the fast-learner type..." sa halip na suntok ay kinuwelyuhan siya ni Kirby. "Stay. The. Fuck. Away. From. My. Friend."

Max's face is mixed with anger and terror. He's been raising his fist to me in the past years that being in my place fucked up his mind. He's never felt inferior to anyone before... until now.

Gigil siyang binitawan ni Kirby at nilingon ako. Kita ko pa rin ang galit sa mukha niya.

"Tara na, Czarina." Aniya sa mas mahinahon na boses.

I wiped my tears and quickly nodded. The high schoolers who witnessed the entire thing were shocked. Patuloy pa rin ang musika mula sa video na pinapanuod nila pero walang isang nakaimik sa biglang nangyari.

Kirby bought me an ice cream afterward. Nang makalabas kami sa 7/11 ay wala na ang sasakyan ni Max. bubog nalang sa nabasag niyang salamin ang naiwan. The high schoolers quickly scrambled away upon seeing Kirby heading towards their direction.

"Good riddance." Maarte niyang wika at pinalitan ang pwesto nila. Naupo ako sa tabi niya.

"Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa akin kung hindi ka dumating, Kirb." Pag-amin ko habang pinagmamasdan ang natutunaw na ice cream.

"Akala ko ba hiwalay na kayong dalawa? Bakit ka pa nakipagkita sa lalaking iyon eh halata namang may saltik yun sa utak?"

I sighed. A part of me hopes that he'll understand me for once and at least respect the two years that we've been together to take down that photo... but no.

Sinulyapan ko siya. His eyes are asking questions but his mouth remained shut.

"My nudes got leaked."

"What?!"

I licked the ice cream, suddenly feeling bitter. Sinulyapan ko ang kaibigan na gulat na gulat na nakatingin sa akin.

"Wala ka bang ibang pupuntahan? Mahaba-haba 'to."

Biglang sumeryoso ang mukha niya at tinitigan ako.

"Wala, Czarina. Wala akong ibang pupuntahan."

I nodded and started telling him about everything. From the beginning.

Nang makauwi ako ay doon pa lang ako nakaramdam ng matinding pagod. Hinilot ko ang sentido at kaagad na nagbihis. I found the screen of my phone was broken. It must have been the impact of hitting the ground earlier. Muli akong bumuntong-hininga. Buti gumagana pa.

I charged my phone while preparing for dinner. Before, just the thought of confronting Max sends cold fears to my spine. And it still does. With all the traumas and heartbreaks he's caused me, I can't say his effect will quickly fade. But it will, I'll have to trust myself in this matter. And I hope this is the last time that we're going to see each other again.

Deciding to skip dinner, I collapsed on my bed and scrolled through my newsfeed mindlessly. My classmates are already sharing relatable memes about the upcoming final exams habang ang iba ay pa-beach beach nalang. One shared post caught my attention, though. Tumigil ako sa isang link na ish-nare ng ka-batch ko noong high school. He's praising the doctor who treated his sick father for free.

Rural medical volunteering on-going in La Union, led by Dr. Alonzo

Nakaramdam ako ng pait habang tinititigan ang isang stolen shot ng bagong asawa ni Mama. I am not sure if he's just doing it for publicity or he's just a good doctor. But cheating on his former wife with my mother is enough to judge one's characters. Despite my will, I clicked on the link and it redirected me to the article.

Debbie Alonzo, Dr. Alonzo's talented and beautiful wife, was also seen at the medical mission despite being a full-time mother to their only child, Noriessa. The Alonzo family has been seen volunteering and doing charity for the past few years.

"I just want to be a good example to my daughter, Noriessa." Debbie said in an interview. "She is everything to me and I want her to grow up with a strong sense of responsibility and citizenship."

I quickly exited the page as anger boiled inside of me. Noriessa is just a kid, pero hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng matinding selos. I'm sure she is the perfect daughter that my mother could ever ask for. Beautiful, talented, and an obedient girl. She can groom her the way she wants her to be.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at bumuntong-hininga. So many things have happened today. This is the last thing I wanted to see. I thought I've accepted the fact that my mother would never see me more than a burden and a big mistake to her life. Akala ko kontento na ako sa katotohanang ako nalang mag-isa sa mundong ito.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought myself to be...

My phone shrilled, startling me. I cleared my throat and forced to blink back my tears before answering Rigor's call.

"Hello..." basag ang boses kong sagot.

"Cherié? Is something wrong?" kaagad niyang tanong sa akin.

I cleared my throat once more. "W-Wala. Masakit lang ang ulo ko."

"Tatawag nalang ako bukas—"

"No!" I quickly said, and then bit my lower lip when I realized something. "I mean... can you please.. k-kahit hindi ka na magsalita..." tears brimmed my eyes again. Kanina ang tapang-tapang ko sa harap ni Max, pero ngayon ay tinatablan na ako ng mga masasakit na salitang binitawan niya. "I just don't want to be... alone."

He paused for a moment, trying to feel me. "Alright." He said softly. "I'm not going to go anywhere. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really..." I gathered my knees to wrap my arms around it. Ihinilig ko ang ulo at pinagmasdan ang buwan mula sa bintana.

"Okay... uminom ka na ba ng gamot?"

"Huh?"

"Earlier... you said you were constipated."

Biglang namula ang buong mukha ko sa hiya. "You're so gullible, Treveron. Do you know that?"

"I'm usually smart, but I make an exception to a few women who can walk all over me."

I snorted. "Are we talking about Silver?"

"The rest of the Treveron girls..." he said in a hoarse voice. "And you..."

My toes curled. Inalis ko ang tingin mula sa buwan at ibinagsak ang sarili sa kama.

"Hey..." I said, my heart throbbing.

"Ano, Czarina?"

I swallowed, trying to think of a plausible excuse but eventually my brain dried out from today's event.

"D-Do you want to break rule number three?" ipinikit ko ang mga mata sabay pagtulo ng mga luha. "Kahit ngayon lang?"

I really don't want to be alone this night. I'm sad, and I don't know why.

"Are you sure? If you're just saying it because you're drunk—"

"Yes, I'm sure. And no, I'm not drunk."

"Alright. I'm coming."

Nanginginig ang kamay kong ibinaba ang phone. I curled like a fetus in my bed. It's so strange. I've been battling with loneliness a long time ago. This feeling shouldn't be a foreigner to me. In fact, I've come to accept the fact that it's always going to be a part of my life. But tonight... this loneliness is inexorable. Wave after wave after wave, it's determined to drown me alive.

I'm hearing that voice again. As much as I want to shut it down, I just can't do it. I'm so close to believing that it's programmed for my own self-destruction. Like a ticking bomb inside my body...

Mula sa pagkakalunod ay nag-angat ako ng tingin nang makarinig ng boses. There, in the midst of the night, Rigor stepped from the shadows and into the light. My heart hammered violently.

If there's one thing I've learned from my past relationship, intimacy is not violence. The people who love us will never leave claw marks, scars, and cuts.

But it doesn't mean we'll obligate them into licking our wounds to heal.

-

#HanmariamBFLChap12