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••••••

The sound of the bat hitting the little ball filled the courtyard, Ja’afar’s laughter once in while being the only other sound in the night air.

“Will you tell me what’s on your mind?” Fahad asked, holding the tiny white ball instead of serving.

Ja’afar chose to retire for the night though he didn’t look like he was going to sleep, neither of them bothered to stopping him both needing the privacy.

“Why do you think I have anything on my mind?” Adnan asked instead, earning an eye roll from his brother.

“I’ve known you since you were a baby, I’m bound to know when you’re upset.” He served then, Adnan narrowly hitting the ball back, he gave his brother a look which only made the latter smirk.

“Aisha.” He groaned when he missed and kept the bat on the tennis table.

“Oh, trouble in paradise?”

“Not exactly, it is just…” He groaned and pulled at his hair. “Why did no one tell me relationships were complicated?”

“You’re bound to find out for yourself because everybody’s relationship is different.” He pointed to the chairs at the other end of the yard and they walked over. Aneesah had kept water and snacks before going to bed, something about a deal she made with Ja’afar and lost so she had to do whatever he wanted.

“You know, I look at mum and dad and they make it so easy I thought it was like that but God, we argue about everything and it gets really frustrating.” Fahad nodded thinking of what to say to his brother whose frustration spoke volumes.

He wasn’t in the position to give relationship advice, he could say that was the one part of being an elder brother that he couldn’t give advice for seeing as he has never been a relationship since Noor.

“When I was like twelve, I thought I would get to twenty one then get married and have kids by twenty five, we would live happily ever after and we would compete every morning to see who would wake up first and make breakfast.” He took in a deep breath and patted his brother.

“We both know how that didn’t happen,” Adnan chuckled beside himself. “But I got my second chance and I realized that is how life is, it took me a second try, they got it in their first and you can too. You have to stop expecting your relationship to be like our parents’ because you are not them, you are you and she is her and you need to accept it if you really want to be with her. The only part of their relationship you should try to copy is how they try to make everything peaceful, how much they do for us.”

Adnan took in a deep breath a look of realization crossing his features.

They stayed quiet for a few minutes both of them reeling over what he just said.

“Thank you.” Adnan was the first to speak as he got to his feet. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“I try to make it work.” Fahad waved a hand looking smug.

“You guys are okay, yeah?” he knew what he was referring to and Fahad only nodded in reply. “I mean it, you can’t be here for everyone and not let anyone be there for you. It is bad for health.”

“I’ll think about it, now go and call her before she decides she is tired of you. Take this from me because I worked with her, she is stubborn and stands firmly on what she believes because she thinks things through a lot, so it takes a lot to sway her. Try being patient and get to know her for her, not the image you created in your head.”

After Adnan left, he stayed back letting the quiet night be his companion, that and he didn’t want to go into the room when he is not sure how Khadijah is. She went to bed early but he knew she wasn’t sleeping, being with her in the hospital made him pick up on a few of her habits one of them being she doesn’t sleep early.

Lost in his thoughts, he missed the footsteps until his father’s shadow stood over him.

“Been a while since we had a father son time,” his deep throaty laugh replaced the quiet he loved.

“We’re long overdue for that.”

Abubakar Barkindo took the seat Adnan vacated. He was rewarded with his son’s side view, clean shaven as usual.

“Being married does that to you, we all promise ourselves nothing would change but that is because we have no idea what it is about.” His father’s voice was calm as always when he spoke.

“What is it like?” Fahad turned at the incomplete question. “Marriage Fahad, after being against it for so long. How do you feel?”

“Did your wife send you?” there was laughter in his voice which made his father laugh too.

“Maybe, but out of my own curiosity. They are having the time of their lives, she and Batool so you have to give them something to talk about.” He nodded in all seriousness.

“There is nothing to report sadly,” he shrugged feigning nonchalance.

“Really? Now she’ll say I’m the one who doesn’t know how to get you to talk.”

“You are dramatic too when you think about it, Nabila is lucky to have escaped that part of the family genes.”

“You’re too in your head if you don’t see the bouts of dramatics in her but that is not why I was sent here. Now tell me, how is your wife? After the accident, do you think she might need to see a therapist?” his voice lost the playful tinge to it, he sounded more like a worried father.

“She was hesitant to enter the car at first but she seemed fine, I don’t really know because we were talking so that equals a distraction but she is good, everything is good.” his father gave him a look that had him looking away which made the older man chuckle.

“What?” his voice was teasing when he spoke, with the barest hint of laughter. “Are you getting shy on me now?” Fahad let out a sound akin to a groan before shaking his head no with a look of disgust.

“Why would I be shy of you? I thought you were my best friend.” He feigned hurt, trying to change the topic which only made his father laugh heartily.

“I’ve heard that happens when first sons get married, ask Mahmud about it,” he paused and crossed his legs in front of him. “And I am not your best friend, I might’ve been before but you have a wife now. She is that to you.” he made a sound at the back of his throat in response.

He had to admit, he had a lot to talk about with his father and his best friend comment aside, he knew he could tell him everything even then. He might be close with his mother but not much people knew how much the Barkindo men confided with in other.

There was no better way to start but he guessed he just had to dive right into it, this is what his father, his role model. The man that told him when he hesitated the first time he tried out sky diving, to believe whatever happened was supposed to happen because it was written more than fifty thousand years ago.

“Pray for it to be the best and just dive right into it.” He had said.

Then he had thought of what praying had to do with sky diving although he was throwing himself out of an airplane but he’d only realized in his adulthood it wasn’t just for that, his father meant for him to take on life and the different obstacles that would be thrown his way.

“I froze straight up when I watched it.” He ran a hand through his hair, just for that moment hoping it was longer so he could pull at it.

The thought has been haunting him for six weeks, he put up a brave font and acted fine because he felt he had too. Khadijah needed him and he was done letting the monsters in his life rule him, the paranoia and the men he had the unfortunate luck of ever crossing paths with but it was with him every other minute.

He craved for quiet moments like that, when he could tell his father his darkest thoughts, like he has been doing since he was able to speak. Since he realized what it meant to have a dark side, it somehow helped in taming it and much later when the earth was quiet and people graced their beds, he would get on his knees and pray to his Lord, telling him every single worry that was plaguing his heart.

He wasn’t top peak fine but he knew he would be in a much darker place if it wasn’t for Allah’s mercy on him.

“After all these years I thought I would handle it better and…maybe if I wasn’t so lost in my head I would’ve reacted faster.” From the look on Abubakar Barkindo’s face he was more than ready to argue that fact with his son but he let him vent, he wasn’t looking for advice or validation, he just simply wanted to be heard.

“Everything felt wrong, the security team wasn’t responding and my phone was so obviously hacked. I think about this a hundred times daily, I think of things I could’ve done differently, how much faster I could’ve reacted. I shouldn’t have even picked that phone after knowing it was hacked but a part of me thought I was over it because somewhere in my head, I knew it would happen.”

“When you think of all the things you could’ve done differently and overanalyse every single part of it, make it a point to remind yourself that there was nothing you could’ve done. It could’ve been showed to you on a tape but you wouldn’t have been able to do anything, do you understand me, you could have done nothing differently. Nothing.” He paused until Fahad nodded, albeit reluctantly.

“Tell yourself it couldn’t been worse, then say Alhamdulillah that you happened to be there with her, that you pulled her aside just in time because what you did. That was the reaction that was written even before you were born and nothing could’ve changed that. Maybe it was supposed to be worse but it wasn’t and she is right her with you isn’t she?” Again he nodded.

“You should be grateful to have gotten a second chance with her and it is best if you make the most of it. Know that I am proud of you and you’re always in my prayers.” He patted his back before getting to his feet. “If you want to speak to your therapist, that is fine too because PTSD is bad but I don’t have to tell you all that.”

“Your mother told me,” he spoke after a few beats. Fahad raised his head in question wanting to hear what he had to say. “About the surgery, have you told her?”

He shook his head no before speaking. “It is still a 50/50 and I don’t want to get her hopes high only for her to be disappointed in the end.”

“That seems reasonable, though she deserves to know but I understand where you’re coming from. It is her right to know and I would like you to think it through.”

Fahad cleared his throat still standing his ground. “I’ve heard what she has been through, it would be cruel to do that to her.” He shuddered at the image of Khadijah crying and he knew he was doing the right thing.

“All good then, have a good night.”

“Good night.”

He didn’t linger in the courtyard after that, deciding to call it a night too like the rest of his family. The lights in the living room were dimmed when he entered and despite knowing the place by heart, he used the lighting and went up the stairs to his room before accessing the smart home appliance and switching the lights off basking the lower part of the house in darkness.

He moved around the room as quiet as he could be and changed into his sleepwear before looking around, wondering if he even wanted to sleep. The talk with his father was calming but thinking about Nai’a made him think of what happened to her and that makes him have nightmares. Real feeling nightmares.

Khadijah was sleeping so he walked back out and headed to one of the guestrooms hoping to give her privacy but after tossing and turning for about an hour he found himself walking back up to his room and slipping into the bed beside her, but doing his best to give her enough room.

*****

Khadijah wouldn’t call herself a heavy sleeper but she would think twice next time she said that because she had been surprised when she woke up for fajr to find Fahad sleeping beside her.

She heard him when he returned to the room the first time but she thought he walked out, she could remember lying in bed and overthinking what she heard then she believed and understood why eavesdropping was bad though that wasn’t her aim but it did happen, the saying was true though because you never heard good things.

He left for fajr congregational prayer after she assured him multiple times that she’ll be fine and that his siblings and mother were just a call away if she needed anything.

It wasn’t her first breakfast with her in laws seeing as they lived there before moving to Abuja but after what she heard the night before she was a bit nervous to be part of the family, she wasn’t sure she could act normal with multiple questions running through her mind.

“Adda, you’re here.”  Huda shrieked the words out making her mother glare at her which made her smile sheepishly. “I made the toast and I don’t mean to brag but I make really great toasts.”

“Because that is the only thing you can make.” Ja’afar ruffled her hair when he passing her with a mug in his hand.

“You can’t even boil water.”

“Children please.” Aneesah scoffed, interrupting her siblings.

Khadijah walked around them to Barr. Sakinah who was holding a large bowl of fruits, she tried to take it from her but she shook her head with a wide smile on her face.

“Don’t worry sweetheart, you’re supposed to be resting please take a seat at the table and ignore those ones. It’s like they want me to bring back the kids table.” She said the last part a bit loud earning their attention.

“Ammie please.”

“We’re sat.”

“I won’t say a thing.”

She did take a seat then proceeded to exchange pleasantries with her. Fahad, his father, Adnan and Nabila were the only ones missing from the table though no one seemed to be looking for them which meant they were close by. He’d quickly dressed after coming back from the mosque while she was still reciting the Qur’an.

“Where is Nabila?” Barr. Salima asked, looking around and only noticing the absence of her first daughter.

“I’ll call her.” Huda was already out of the room before her voice reached them.

Khadijah looked between the three of the Barkindo’s that were in the large kitchen that she told Layla had to be her favourite part of the house. They worked around together trying to set up the table making her feel weird for being the only one not working, she was not used to it but she didn’t think Fahad’s mother would let her get up after sitting down so she busied herself with watching them.

There was a dining table at one end of the kitchen which had ten chairs accentuating the space in the kitchen, the white cabinets and large marble counter put together created her own perfect dream kitchen that is not to mention of the beautiful family in it and how they moved gracefully.

With all their workers they always choose to make breakfast themselves, she has realized breakfast was their family bonding time and there is no extravagance there. They weren’t the high class family then, just a normal family having breakfast together.

“Good morning ammie, adda.” Nabila’s low voice pulled her form her reverie and she smiled before replying to her greeting.

“Morning sweetheart, how was your night? Did you go to bed late?” she grunted before pulling her chair and slipping in beside Khadijah by the left.

“I was going through that commercial law, I didn’t realize it was so bulky.” She wasn’t hyper like the rest of her siblings but she sounded too dull for even her.

“You okay?” Ja’afar asked sitting beside her. She shook her head at him in reply and he patted her back in comfort. “Law school has to be the worst, sorry.”

“It’s not even that.” She grunted lowly. He must’ve gotten the message because he nodded and kept stroking her back while she laid her head on the table. He switched to Fulani and said something to their mother.

“It is rude to speak another language when you know not everyone in the room understands.” She told him pointedly and he looked down, scratching his head.

“Sorry.” He muttered then got to his feet. “I’ll go call the others.” He left the room before anyone could say anything.

“He will not hear the end of this.” Aneesah cackled earning Khadijah’s attention. “He is pretending to be self-conscious because you’re here.” Khadijah only nodded not knowing why he did that. For all she knew he was outgoing and quite overconfident by what Manal has told her and what she has seen herself.

“Won’t you like breakfast in bed love? You need your rest.” Barr. Salima asked keeping a mug in front of Nabila who only raised her head enough to say no.

“I don’t think I can walk back up.” Her face twisted in pain and when she spoke it sounded breathy.

“Do you think we need to go to the hospital?” she managed to shake her head but she didn’t look any better and her mother must’ve seen it because she called for Adnan.

“What is wrong?” he asked when he entered the kitchen.

“Cramps.” Huda was the one that replied and he flinched before sitting where Ja’afar had been and taking Nabila’s hands in his.

“Hey Beela, can you walk?” she shook her head and he nodded before getting to his feet and helping her up.

Khadijah followed him as he lifted his sister into his hands and tried to walk out, before he could leave though she stopped him and walked up to them then untied Nabila’s headscarf before wrapping it around her.

“Right, thank you.” he spoke before turning. “Can you please tell ammie we’re in the car?” Khadijah nodded since she was the only one with them and he nodded his thanks again before leaving.

Khadijah walked back to the kitchen dejectedly her heart going out for the girl that wasn’t much younger than her. She has seen people who have menstrual cramps and though she has never experienced it first hand, she knew how painful it was from seeing Sadiya.

“Hey, you look a bit ashen are you okay?” she looked up at Fahad’s voice and nodded.

He nodded not fully taking her word for it because he has been standing there for more than five minutes while she was lost in her thoughts.

“Since ammie is not here, I’ll serve today. Please take a seat, you’re having breakfast with the amazing Huda—“

“And the invincible Aneesah.”

“This is the part where you ignore them for your own good.” Fahad whispered in Khadijah’s ear making her chuckle.

True to their words though, Aneesah and Huda served the food and Khadijah got to see how they interacted with their father. They were used to Nabila’s cramps issues since it happened every month she guessed that was why they were not very worried but Abubakar Barkindo did call his wife and ask how they were doing.

“She didn’t speak early, they’ve given her pain killers so we just have to wait for it to kick in.” the phone had been on speaker when she was saying that.

Ja’afar and Aneesah started arguing much later and since everyone was done eating, they left only the two at the table. Huda followed her father’s back when he was going to his office saying she had something she wanted to ask him. From the look on his face, Khadijah knew it was a normal occurrence and she was only going to talk his ears off.

She guessed that was the perks of being the last born because it reminded her of her own father and how she was always with him when she was younger.

The thought of her father made her think of everything that was the bane of her existence, even the accident and the broken arm was nothing compared to what those thoughts made her feel.

“Do you have any plans for today? Is Layla coming?” Fahad asked, then added the second part when she shook her head no.

“She is spending time with Waleedah and I think she promised Abba a rematch of a game she allegedly cheated on, I told her to rest anyways. She needs it.” He nodded looking lost in thought.

Something about her didn’t feel right to him, sure she was talking more at length. She has actually been very chatty the past few days, he didn’t know if it was because Huda was a chatterbox and she had to reply or Layla who was also a chatterbox that was bringing out that part of her, it didn’t matter to him. She was talking and he was listening, it sounded like a fair trade to him.

“I was thinking of visiting my mum, maybe a bit later.”

“No problem, I’ll drop you off. What time?” his eyes flickered to the digital clock on the wall.

“Any time really, I know they’ll be home.”

“I’m picking Jawad up from the airport by two, we can go then if it’s okay with you.”

“Perfect.”

*****

“We have to reach an agreement on this Hussein, I know there are things we would rather keep buried.” Fatimah Batool spoke, her voice soft but firm.

Malam Sadeeq nodded agreeing with her point. There are a lot of things he would rather keep buried and though hajiya Ladidi was the one that knew his mother, she didn’t know him and although she hadn’t made the effort to try and get to know him for who he was and not what she heard from his mother and made her believe, he couldn’t fault her for it since he didn’t try making any effort either, he hated that he was just thinking of it.

“I don’t want to hurt Khadijah, you know that. She means the world to me but…I am just tired Hussein,” her voice broke at the end. “I want to feel complete too, the guilt.” She paused and looked up at him to make sure they were on the same page, what she saw on his face gave her the go ahead to keep talking.

“I am sorry what happened those years ago but it wasn’t my fault as much it wasn’t yours, neither was it hers but we punished ourselves for it. I punished myself for it and I can’t handle it anymore.”

“We'll find a way to fix it, they are all adults now and Khadijah didn’t deserve to pay for my mistakes. I am sorry for putting you through the worst thing imaginable all these years.” He cleared his throat when his voice came out choked. “It was my responsibility to protect you and I didn’t do that, I am sorry for not being the man that you deserve.”

She didn’t say anything to that, she looked like she had a lot say but at the same not knowing how to say it.

Malam Sadeeq would say he found his own life funny, he was simple and so were his dreams. That was one of his distinct characteristics with his brothers, they were complex.

He had been surprised when he fell for a woman as complex as Fatimah Batool but the more he spent time with her, the more he fell in love with her because there something about her draws him in and after all the years, he could still feel himself falling more and more in love with her the more they spent time together. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was but her personality and basically just her, she entices him.

She was his elder brother’s friend, you would never find him with the other gender during their university days, that was Hassan’s job. They were identical yes but it didn’t take much to differentiate them, even when they dressed alike, he was always just Hassan’s twin brother. People didn’t even bother with him since he was the type that kept to himself.

That was why it had surprised him when she took interest in him, she was one of the most beautiful and intelligent girls on campus, someone who would find his brother interesting but she had found him interesting. The details of how they had met was still imprinted in his head—

“Whatever the two of you are planning, I want it done out of my house.” He closed his eyes and let out a small sigh at the sound of his door being pushed open and Hajiya Ladidi’s loud voice.

Even with his simplicity he wondered how he seemed to attract the opposite of himself, although hajiya Ladidi was his mother’s choice. What exactly made his mother think they would work out? She seemed more of Hassan’s type, mouthsy and always eager to create a scene. No, Sadeeq even, Hassan had a type but his oldest brother revelled in whatever would bring chaos.

“Aisha please calm down and have a seat, let us speak like sensible adults.” She placed her hands on her waist and eyed him, an act which made him regret never taking action when she was watching those her hausa movies. She did look like the perfect housewife ready to fight.

“Nobody wants to talk. Get this woman out of my house and sight before I decide I don’t want to be civil again.” Whatever she meant by being civil since to him she was acting like some barbaric woman but he would rather not see what her not being civil looks like.

“We won’t do this, you know I won’t drag this with you so please take a seat and let us have this conversation. It is long overdue anyway.” Her chest heaved with her heavy breaths, she glared at Fatimah Batool who couldn’t hide her amusement at the whole scene.

To be honest, she wasn’t the least bit annoyed at whatever her co-wife was doing. She would’ve seen a lot had they stayed together but she did know how she was from what she has seen from afar and even how Baraka acted. She was only a more modern version of her mother.

“Do you even hear yourself? Sit and talk as though we want to talk about the weather.” She pointed a finger at Fatimah Batool that was sitting on the chair Khadijah always picked. “You should leave my house, if you want to do your reunion it would not be under my roof.” She was looking at her down her nose, mustering up the most disinterested and disrespectful expression she could. Thanks to her favourite Arewa 24 she actually had vast knowledge on how to do that.

Instead of feeding her anger, Fatimah Batool only shook her head and gave malam Sadeeq a pointed look. She had told him she wouldn’t want to be in his wife’s presence unless she—actually she didn’t want to be in her co-wife’s presence if it was up to her.

“This has been long overdue and I would rather we get it out of the way right now.” His voice was firm when he spoke and seeing he wasn’t letting her get her way, Hajiya Ladidi nodded timidly and stomped to the empty two seater in the room before sitting down.

“Whatever it is you want to say, it wouldn’t change the fact that Khadijah is my daughter and I am not letting this woman take her.” She started not giving either of them a chance to bring forth their argument.

“Aisha no one is saying she is not your daughter, you raised her with our other daughters like she was your own but you have to accept—“

“She is my daughter!”

Tired of the back and forth, Fatimah Batool sat up and cleared her throat before speaking.

“I’ve let you run this how you wanted for twenty five years because I understood what it meant to lose a child. I had lost one too but this has been going on for far too long and I need my daughter to know I am her mother.” Hajiya Ladidi opened her mouth to reply but a voice beat her to it.

“Whose mother?” malam Sadeeq’s eyes widened and he turned to Sadiya, the look of horror on his face mirroring hers.

His gaze moved to the person behind her, the look in her own eyes worse than both of them joined together.

*****

“I was thinking you wouldn’t show,” Jawad said throwing his head against the headrest of the car letting out a tired sigh.

“It was just a twelve hour flight, stop acting like you took on a bull or something and I was five minutes late, not hours.” Fahad muttered, giving him an annoyed look.

“Well, aren’t you all sunny sunshine this afternoon. Shining brighter than the sun and sharing your shiny—ness.” Jawad’s sarcastic voice drifted off towards the end.

He waited for a few beats and when he didn’t get any reply, he glanced at Fahad who was paying a little too much attention to driving. He sighed telling himself he had to deal with his best friend’s irritable attitude, they have been acting strange with Shaheed so he knew there was no outlet there and God forbid Khadijah sees him in that prickly mood.

“What is wrong?” he asked making Fahad turn to him.

“Why are you asking me that?” Jawad huffed then rolled his eyes before replying.

“Can we not do this? We only have a few minutes before we get back to the chaos of real life, is everything okay with Khadijah? She doesn’t have PTSD right?”

Fahad glanced at Jawad before moving his eyes back to the road.

“Should I be worried that every time you think something is wrong with me, you just assume she has a hand in it?”

That made Jawad chuckle. Fahad was a man of habit and being with him since diaper days he knew him a little bit more he knows himself which was why he didn’t let him change him the topic which he tried to do by going on the offense.

“Well, when you love someone their day to day mood affects you more than you think and I don’t mean that negatively. I know Dee good enough to know she is the last person to be the subject of your distress, but I also know you very well to know the lives of the people you love in rooted you deeply in you and you worry over little things, she might just be having a headache but you’ll try to run your brain down with worry.” He lowered his voice. “I love deeply, I do know that but you take it to a whole new level.”

“I’m driving you in a quiet road and you’re making me sound like a psychopath, that’s not very smart of you.”

“Change the topic all you want but you know it is true.” He faced the window when he spoke again. “I don’t know why it so hard for you to admit you love her, heck no one is going to hold that against you.”

Fahad’s hands tightened on the steering wheel telling him he hit a nerve but he has self-appointed himself as the one in the family to make Fahad see what was right in front of him.

“I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

“If not now then when? You’re just giving yourself a hard time over this and I am tired of being your voice of reason. You know this Fahad, we both know you do, so why don’t you just accept it?” He sucked in a breath before fixing his gaze on him.

“Noor has been dead for fifteen years Fahad, no one is going to hold you for moving on. She was my sister and I moved on, did you think it is easy? Every day that I breathe there’s a voice in my head reminding me she hasn’t for the past fifteen years but I shut it off because that was her destiny. It was written before she was made and nothing you think you could have done or not done could have saved her, so let her go and just love your wife. She doesn’t deserve the half husband you’re giving and I hope you know you’ll get asked how you treated her right.”

The silence in the car after that was deafening and it went on like that for more than ten minutes, neither of the two men willing to be the one to break it.

Fahad was the first to give up with an exhale. “It’s been long since you said so much words in a go.”

Instead of a reply, Jawad let out a deep throaty laugh agreeing that it was true. He didn’t know what came over him but he was tired of seeing his best friend do that to himself.

“You do kind of bring out the worst in me.”

“My bad.” They let silence envelope them again, this time a peaceful kind with a lot of unspoken words.

When Fahad parked the car outside a store Huda had given him directions to when he was leaving—however she knew the place, he didn’t bother asking but he was supposed to pick a package for them. He had nodded not wanting to ask any questions, that was between her and her mother.

“Give me a few minutes.”

“Not that I have a choice,” he chuckled before stepping out of the car.

He forced his mind to be blank when he got out, there was some truth to what Jawad had said but he wasn’t going to tell him that, not in the nearest future at least. The only thing he gathered from the store was that it was large but it was a good thing they had what he was getting ready so he didn’t pay any more attention to it than what was needed.

“No, no way.” He stated the moment he got back out and saw Jawad in the driver’s seat.

“Yes way, now come on. I know you’re itching to go see your wife even though you hide it well but I’ve always been gifted in that dep—“

“Shut up.” He rounded the car and begrudgingly got into the passenger seat.

Jawad laughed heartily before starting the car and driving out of the lot.

“I’m stopping by Farhan’s office to borrow his car then I’m going to pick Waleedah up,”

“Thought she is spending the day with Layla?” Fahad asked confused and Jawad nodded.

“Why did you think I came back today?” he rolled his eyes as a reply reminding himself he would only run mad if he tried to keep up with the two.

One day they are all cozy and loving, then the next one is avoiding the other and vice versa. He was quite tired and very close to signing a marriage contract on both their behalf because that seemed like the only solution for the endless back and forth.

They were good as kids, what actually went wrong? Or did love just get more complicated with age? He couldn’t tell because contrary to what Jawad had said, he wasn’t in love again. He has told them multiple times that his ability to love died along with Noor, it wasn’t his fault they thought it was just teenage rebellion or whatever it may be classified as.

“If you’re thinking of facts to hit me with next time I bring up your love life, stop it because it won’t stop it and until you’re ready to have this conversation, we’ll keep having this break outs.” Fahad only looked skywards as though seeking help. Only Jawad would talk about arguing and butting himself in someone’s life so casually.

“If you want me to tell you you’re the best at handling pain then you have it JD, you are the absolute best for handling your sister’s death so well but I would make it a point to remind you that she did not take her last breath in your arms, okay.”

Jawad’s lips twitched before he nodded in agreement.

Barr. Salima had told him he was unrelenting and he knew that too, he has been holding off on having that conversation for six weeks but he was finally having it. The good thing about him was his patience and ability to call Fahad out, he called it the best friend effect because the best part of knowing someone so well is knowing what buttons to push to get the reaction you want.

At first, he thought bringing up Khadijah will work but Fahad has built walls around his heart and it has been unaffected for so long, which made it extend to his eyes thus blinding him from seeing things that are so glaring.

“You think I handle it well? I may not have been in that room with you but I knew I lost my sister at the end of it so don’t even give me that. Do you know how hard it is to wake up every day and know I’ll never hear her laugh again, or even argue about what we want for breakfast? I don’t have anyone to do that with any more, to celebrate my wins or help me with my losses. Many times I have to remind myself that being alive is worth it when I really want to do is just die Fahad, don’t tell me I handle pain better because you don’t know just how hard it is to not be suicidal sometimes.”

Fahad closed his eyes trying to regulate his breathing. He has only seen Jawad break a few times in his life and neither of those times were good, he didn’t want to see anything like that again but when he spoke about not wanting to be alive with not even a single tear in sight, that was what scared him the most because a breakdown is so much better than defeat.

That was why he would rather see Khadijah cry when speaking about her pain than acceptance, becoming one with pain is the last straw and it is the best coping mechanism because it makes you feel empty, and a lot of times we would chose emptiness over the turmoil we have been through.

Did losing her children ever make her feel that way, soulless and just empty? Were they days she wished her own eyes would just close forever?

“Jawad I—“

“I’m fine, I promise I’m not suicidal. At least not anymore, I’m just trying to make a point here. Many times I wished the time I spent mourning Noor was spent appreciating my parents but I didn’t think I would lose them so soon, I thought I had time with them. It is my only regret till now, knowing I could’ve had more time telling my mother how amazing she is. Heck, I even want to ask her how she is able to put a smile on her face after losing yet another child.” He took in a shaky breath.

“She was the third. I never had a child but just the thought of losing one makes me breathless, how exactly did she feel? How did she handle it so well? I run myself down asking these things and I know no one is going to answer me. It hurts when I dream of her and I normally have a breakdown for weeks but I crave those dreams, I’ll take the pain it comes with if only I would see her face for a few seconds, smiling again.”

“She was always smiling.” Fahad muttered thinking of the one woman he didn’t know for very long but couldn’t stop thinking about.

“Please Fahad don’t lose something so beautiful because you can’t let go of the pain. It is amazing what it does but it destroys you and I really want to see a mini Fahad though he would be annoying just like you but you get what I mean.” They both chuckled before Fahad cleared his throat, knowing his voice was hoarse.

“You might never see that then. You know Dee can’t have kids and even if she can I wouldn’t want to put her through the horrors again.”

“Thought they performed surgery for that? Wasn’t it a correctable error?”

“Still, a fifty-fifty on something like that is close to nothing. She doesn’t deserve the disappointment that comes with letting her hopes high again.” He brushed a hand over his face, trying to remove the image of her in pain from his mind.

It didn’t matter how much he liked or wanted kids, he wasn’t so cold hearted as to push her into something like that when it is the last thing on her mind. She has accepted she wasn’t going to have children and it is much better than telling her she might and then God forbid something happens and she loses the child or worse, have a still birth. The thought of it gave him goose bumps, adoption really sounded nice if they want kids so badly in the future but right then, they are more than fine how they are.

“Khair Insha Allah.” He left it at that but of course Jawad just wouldn’t shut up, he was turning into a mix of Layla and Huda and it is very worrisome. “So we buy her roses, or are you thinking written love letters? Women seem to love that.”

“Shut up.” Jawad laughed in reply before muttering something along the lines of him coming back to grovel for his help because he was the romantic one between them.

••••••

Assalamu alaikum, I'm feeling proud of being overly punctual so please appreciate me by voting and commenting.

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No long author's note today...............because.............

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Reaching 50k reads Insha Allah in style.
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