When Khadijah woke up it was well past seven, the first thing on her mind was prayer and with Sadiya’s help she performed ablution and when she was out, she saw a mat already spread and a hijab beside it, she repaid her missed prayers and sat on the prayer mat after that, she felt comfortable and didn’t want to stand up.

“Do you feel any pain?” Sadiya asked softly touching her forehead and neck to see if her temperature was back to normal, satisfied with what she felt she nodded when Khadijah whispered a no. Sadiya convinced her to get back on the bed saying the floor was cold.

“Why don’t you go home? You’re pregnant you should take care of yourself.” She said in a scolding voice.

“I’m fine.” She smiled.

Hajiya Ladidi entered the room seconds later with Abdulrahman closely behind, he held a food basket that made Khadijah automatically feel nauseous, just the thought of food made her sick and seeing the expression on her face her mother sent her a glare.

“I will force feed you if that’s what it will take to get you to eat.” Her mother threatened collecting the basket from her son in law and proceeded to open it “I made your favorite.”

Any other day, Khadijah would have salivated at the thought of pounded yam and egusi soup but at that moment she felt like a child again knowing she’ll probably be force fed whenever her mother made miyan kuka.

“Just eat small, I didn’t put much you see.” She kept the steaming plate beside Khadijah and took a seat on the single seat, the room was big since dr. Sakinah insisted she was taken to the VIP wing.

After taking two spoonfuls she kept the spoon but immediately picked it back up and forced another bite into her mouth when her mother made to stand up to make good on her threat.

“Sadiya why don’t you go and pick the children up and go home, it’s pretty late and you must be tired.” Hajiya Ladidi suggested when she was sure Khadijah was eating.

Sadiya turned to her husband with a pleading look, she didn’t want to leave just yet and her mother wouldn’t even consider her argument.

“Umma, we can stay for a bit, I’m sure the children are having fun and wouldn’t mind.” He smiled at umma who eyed him.

“Keep dancing to her tunes, she doesn’t have sense and you should consider getting her checked out, Basra is sick and she needs her mother and she’s also pregnant, she needs rest.” Hajiya Ladidi disregarded the fact that Sadiya was in the room, when he only scratched the back of his neck she shook her head with a small hiss and muttered under breath “Duk da yara basu da hankali,” (Even with children they still don't have sense)

Since she wasn’t exactly subtle about the comment, Khadijah laughed at the annoyed expression on her mother’s face.

“Dariya kike yi ko zaki cinye abincin nan.” (Are you laughing or will you finish that food?)She forced another spoonful into her mouth after that comment she was grateful when a nurse knocked and opened the door saving her from further scolding.

Dr. Sakinah walked in after the nurse with a smile on her face. They exchanged pleasantries with Hajiya Ladidi and Abdulrahman again.

Khadijah smiled at her when she asked how she was feeling a warm feeling overtaking her, She didn’t know why but she always felt at home in the woman’s presence, Layla had playfully told her it was because their skin was the same, it was true though, dr. Sakinah was beautiful with her dark skin and she didn’t look a day over forty.

“Your former doctor had your files sent and after having a look at it, we’ll take a few tests tomorrow and hopefully if everything is fine, you’ll be discharged at most in two days time,” Dr. Sakinah said after she checked her vitals.

“I thought I could go home today, I feel fine.” Khadijah argued sounding panicked, she hated hospitals.

Dr. Sakinah smiled apologetically at her, there was nothing she could do “Have you felt that type of pain before?” she asked on second thought.

“Yes.” She confessed and mustered up a small assuring smile at Sadiya who had a broken expression.

“How often does it happen?”

“Not very often and it hasn’t happened for a while now though.” Dr. Sakinah nodded and said her goodbyes. The nurse fixed the IV and left immediately after.

“That woman doesn’t like me.” Hajiya Ladidi mumbled the second the door closed when Abdulrahman left to answer a call.

“Umma,” Sadiya rolled her eyes.

“Didn’t you see how stiff she was when she greeted me I’m telling you I feel it in my gut.”

“Oh umma, why would she not like you she doesn’t even know you and she’s very nice.”

“Exactly what I thought,” an image came to her mind but she pushed it the moment it came, not now not ever.

“She is Layla’s step mother you know and she is so sweet.” Sadiya urged on.

“I’m the one she doesn’t like.” Umma insisted, Khadijah shook her head when Sadiya wanted to go on with the argument, their mother was overdramatic.

Abdulrahman walked back in and handed Khadijah the bag they came with, it had her toiletries and other things she might need.

“Thank you.” He only smiled and sat back in the chair he vacated.

“You should all go and home and rest.”

“No!” Sadiya was the first to protest.

“You must be tired and don’t argue, I know and I don’t want to keep you.”

“I’m not tired,” she turned to her husband “why don’t you take umma home and pick up the children then come back for me.” He nodded no argument, he would have to make a long trip since their house wasn’t that far from Baraka’s own, and the hospital was on the other end.

That made Khadijah smile, for as long as she could remember, she has never heard Abdulrahman oppose to something his wife suggested, Sadiya might change her mind after a few moments which Khadijah was sure he’d used to talk to her, he would never tell her she was wrong in public and that made her happy to know, her sister had someone who would support her and love her no matter what.

“Why should he have to suffer, stand up let’s all go together, she also needs to rest, right Khadijah?” Khadijah nodded agreeing with umma, Sadiya wanted to argue but gave up when she saw no one, well except her husband would support her.

“Goodnight then, call if you need anything, May Allah Grant you shifa.” Sadiya hugged her and kissed her forehead then moved to get her things.

“Your father said to greet you, that he will call you, take care.” Umma said then went out the door.

“Take care baby sis, we’ll be back tomorrow and please call me if you need anything you know she sleeps like the dead.” He pointed to Sadiya who glared and hit his arm playfully, he caught the arm with a smile and kissed her palm.

“Ewwwww, PDA” Khadijah teased laughing.

“I love you.” With another hug from Sadiya, they all left the room leaving Khadijah who still had a smile on her face. She rested her back on the headboard of the bed, she looked around the room because it didn’t look like a hospital except for the drips and other medical equipments.

A knock sounded and a nurse entered, Khadijah knew her face but couldn’t remember her name.

“How are you feeling now?” She had a friendly smile.

“Alhamdulillah, much better.”

“Good, this came for you.” She kept a bouquet of flowers that Khadijah hadn’t noticed in her arms before.

“From who?” she asked puzzled, who knew she was in the hospital anyways, and flowers?

“A delivery man dropped it off.” She nodded absently, when she made no move to take it, the nurse handed her a small white folded paper.

“It came with it.” She collected it and thanked the nurse, “Goodnight.” Khadijah only smiled as a reply, she kept the bouquet on a table and left.

She didn’t want to read it but her curiosity got the better of her and she found herself unfolding it, a short message was written in a fine handwriting, she was sure she would never be able to write half as clear as it was.

May Allah grant you quick shifa, you’re strong.

                                                    Your hero.

She smiled and folded it back then laid down putting it under her pillow, she closed her eyes feeling light for some reason, not attaching any meaning to it she drifted off soon after.

Her phone rang scaring her a little, she waited for a second to fully wake up and try to detect it then reached for the overnight bag Abdulrahman handed her, she unzipped it and sure enough it was inside.

She was a little surprised when she saw the caller ID but answered nevertheless, she couldn’t remember when last they talked and the voice that greeted surprised her.

“Khadijah, I’m so sorry.” She couldn’t help laugh at Layla’s crying voice.

“I’m fine.” She said to make Layla calm down, she was full on crying then, sniveling and sobbing.

“Hamma Shaheed just called, I’m so sorry I’m not there and my phone was off throughout, I don’t even know where it is, are you okay? What happened? You’ve never been admitted in a hospital, is it serious? I’ll be there later please be fine, promise me you’ll be fine and-“ she heard Fahad in the background telling her to calm down else her voice would make Khadijah deteriorate “Shut up.” She said to him with a sniff.

“Calm down Lee, I’m fine just a little stomach ache” it definitely wasn’t a little stomach ache but she didn’t want Layla to do anything drastic or rush back, she needed a break.

“But you’re in a hospital, you’ll be okay right? Remember you promised to cook for me.” She heard the smile in her voice but there was still worry.

“I promise, take your time and when you come back, your food will be waiting.”

“Okay,” she sounded like a child “And I love you, take care please.”

“I will.” Khadijah said though laughter “Now please go to sleep Layla, it’s four in the morning.” Layla made a sound of affirmation before telling her to rest with a promise to call later to check up on her.

Khadijah was about to hang up when she heard Fahad’s voice. “Dee, how is your health?” he asked his voice soft, she heard the concern in his voice, her heart tugged, this was someone who didn’t even know her but he cared.

“I’m fine Alhamdulillah, you know how Layla is.” she finished with a small laugh.

“Sure, but all is well insha Allah, I wouldn’t want to be hooked when I need fashion advice.” His voice was light and airy which made her smile.

“You have nothing to worry about, your fashion adviser isn’t going anywhere, Layla will kill me if I dared.” This time he laughed.

“I should let you sleep. Sorry for calling late, said person wouldn’t let me rest until I called.” She knew how Layla could be so she only laughed and said no problem. He prayed for her quick recovery and also promised to call in the morning, late morning before hanging up.

Feeling much better after the call, Khadijah decided to pray two raka’ats and then wait for subh prayer.

**** **** ****

Abuja, Nigeria

Nnamdi Azikwe International Airport

With his head against the window of the plane, Jawad closed his eyes with a sigh, he’d been near death more times than he cared to count but not once had he felt as hopeless as he did then. If crying made someone less of a man, he didn’t know what to call himself then, he has shed tears over Layla more than he did when he’d woken up in the emergency room and heard his parents had died, he could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating, but he hadn’t shed tears then, it was like his tear ducts didn’t know how to function.

He remembered Salima Barkindo, may Allah bless that woman, she’d called him to her room and locked the door, she told him to talk to her, at first he’d thought she was unreasonable for saying that to him, he’d just lost his parents! He’d kept quiet and stared blankly into space waiting for the inevitable speech of they’re in a better place they would want you to move on and be happy but it never came, after thirty minutes or more, he didn’t know, he couldn’t have known, everything had felt like a nightmare then and sense of time was the last thing on his mind, the words she’d said to him will forever be with him.

“Cry Jawad, just cry please.” that was when he’d realized he hadn’t shed one tear, he stared blankly at her tear filled eyes and turned, he tried, he more than tried but his body just shut down, so much that crying felt too human for him, he didn’t have the strength to do it and he didn’t, and how much he hated himself for that.

Thinking about how he felt that day, the pain felt too similar to what he was feeling at the moment, Layla’s face popped up in his mind making him smile involuntarily but the smile was off before he could blink.

“Jawad,” Layla called, she was sitting right in front of him sobbing but she sounded far away, her lips moved again but he couldn’t make out what she was saying for the life of him.

She stood up and approached him, he felt a little tug and she was standing right in front of him looking panicked, he wanted to ask what was getting her worked up and why she was crying, he hated seeing her in tears, she looked better with a smile but who was he kidding, she was one of the most stubborn people he knew, she wouldn’t listen to him.

He blinked once, twice, thrice, when he opened his eyes again, instead of layla’s cream colored walls and queen sized bed with her sitting in front of him, he saw his mother with her usual wide smile, his father liked teasing her saying she looked like a Cheshire cat.

“Ammi,” he heard himself whisper, she opened her mouth as if to talk, no sound left her mouth, instead he saw a bloodied battered version of what was supposed to be his mother.

“No, please no, Ammi! Ammi! Don’t leave me too ammi please, you promised! You promised you’ll be here for me ammi don’t do this too, not like noorie, don’t be like her please stay ammi!” he screamed even when he couldn’t hear himself, was he even talking? His body was frozen and he felt trapped, like he was shackled, he didn’t know to what, all he knew was he couldn’t move his body.

He didn’t know for how long he was there, back in the accident scene, his body bathed in blood listening to the sounds of sirens and people talking at the same time, all mixed it sounded like a horrible mix tape and it was so loud he wished to cut off his ears for a moment of silence, he wanted silence.

Then it was gone, at once everything was gone and he felt light, he didn’t hear the sirens or people’s voices, even that distant voice calling his name, they were all gone, and for once in twelve years, he felt peace, he could almost touch it.

Everything became black almost immediately and he couldn’t comprehend anything again, he hoped, he hoped the darkness would be forever.

“Sir, please secure your seatbelt we’re about to take off?” Jawad looked up at the air hostess, if his red eyes scared her, she didn’t show it she only looked at him expectantly waiting for him to comply.

When he nodded she turned and left not glancing back. He felt the plane move down the runway and then the impact of them taking off but he couldn’t bring himself back to normal.

A few minutes later, the same air hostess stood in front of him with her hands behind her back in a stance he thought couldn’t be comfortable.

“Can I get you anything sir?” she sounded impatient like it wasn’t the first time she was asking, he wordlessly shook his head and she turned to leave when he called out to her.

“I wish to be alone.” She nodded then left and hopefully she wouldn’t come back.

The reason he chose go on the private jet was so he can avoid as much human interaction as possible so he didn’t understand why he still had to talk to someone.

He must have slept because the next thing he heard was the pilot announcing to prepare for landing and saying the usual time and weather.

He remembered what Fahad had said the night before when he got to the house around three in the morning and he agreed with him because no matter how much it hurt, he was right, they needed to be away from each other to be able to heal.

When stepped out of the plane and his personal assistant stood there with a book, a journal actually in hand as usual, he walked up to him and welcomed him back, normally Jawad would’ve thanked him for the lack of reporters but he wasn’t feeling like himself so he walked to the waiting car and got in.

On the ride to his apartment, he came to terms with all his losses, maybe now that he’s finally accepted the loss he would be able to rightfully mourn his family.

Alex, his personal assistant was busy chattering about something but he didn’t know what for the life of him, his mind was on Layla.

They’ve broken up more times than their actual relationship but it had never felt as final as it did then, it felt as though the invisible thread of hope he’d been holding on to finally snapped.

With all those on his mind, he felt the change within him and he knew then, that it was time to let go, it would take time but he was ready, besides, whatever was meant to be would be.

**** **** ****

Abuja, Nigeria

“Adda Layla you look like you need warm milk and a very hot shower this morning.” Layla rolled her eyes at Noorulhuda.

“Good morning to you too Huda, you slept well I presume.”

“Yes I did, though it seems like you didn’t, don’t worry, I’ll get that warm milk for you to go,” She blew Layla a kiss standing up from the kitchen stool she was sitting on.

“Did I hear adda Layla?!” Aneesah screeched running, before Layla could brace for the inevitable hug, the air was knocked out of her lungs from the force of Aneesah jumping on her.

“This might be the last time you see me if you don’t loosen your hold neena.” Layla said her much loved nickname, she did release her but she had a big smile on her face, the classic Barkindo smile.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so happy you’re here, you haven’t slept over in forever.” Aneesah kept talking animatedly holding layla’s hand once in a while like she would disappear if she let her go for more than five seconds.

“Let her go you weirdo,” Adnan said with an eye roll standing by the door, he turned to Layla with a smug smile, “hey there kiddo.”

“Who’s the kid? Don’t start with me, it’s too early to fight with you.” She made show of flipping her hair, before he could retort she added “Where’s jay anyways, he is the one I haven’t seen for a while?”

“Sleeping as usual,” That was Huda, she kept a tray containing a cup of warm milk, fresh crackers and scrambled eggs in front of Layla, ignoring her siblings flabbergasted expressions.

“Thank you my love, you’re the best.” Huda made a bow then sat beside her.

“Huda you never make me breakfast.” Aneesah sounded honestly offended though she had a smile on her face.

“That’s because you’re not adda Layla.”

“But I forgave you for breaking my laptop did I not?” Huda guiltily shook her head with a smile.

“Another time,” she turned to Layla, “Adda, now that you’re here please convince ammie to let me come with you to Kaduna, I’ll be no trouble I promise.”

“Don’t you have school smarty pants?” Adnan asked munching on an apple that Layla didn’t know where it appeared from.

“But we’re going on break, besides its online classes for now.” He shrugged and went back to his apple.

From there Aneesah left to make her own breakfast, Nabila walked in and greeted Layla in her usual Nabila way, straight forward and simple.

Barr. Salima who knew of Layla being in the house wasn’t so surprised when she saw her. They sat and talked for a bit about Waleedah’s upcoming wedding, it was a month away from then.

After the excitement wired down and Aneesah and Huda both left her side, Layla found herself alone with ammie in her living room eating another batch of cookies Huda had baked.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You know you can talk to me right?” the care and worry couldn’t be missed in her voice, Layla felt like a child again, running to ammie’s place to cry after fighting with one of her sibling, her home was always welcome to everyone.

“I’m fine ammie, I promise.” Layla assured with confidence she definitely wasn’t feeling.

“I’ll let it go for now because you need space but when you feel like talking, I’m a call away.” Layla nodded feeling assured somehow, not up to a minute later, Fahad salaamed and entered after they answered, he greeted his mother then turned to Layla with a smile, he sat close to Layla at a reasonable distance since he wasn’t her muharram and smiled at his mother.

“Stop looking at me like that if you’re not going to tell me you magically found a wife.” She glared at him.

“Can’t I just smile at my own mother without her going on about a wife, aren’t I too young for marriage?” The look she sent him made him sit back and clamp his mouth shut, self preservation he told himself.

“I’ll do the job myself since it is too hard for you but I’ll have you know, you’ll be married by the end of this year insha Allah, if I have to drag you to the mosque to make it happen, I will.” She left after that mumbling something about him not taking his life seriously.

He groaned when he was sure she wouldn’t hear which made Layla laugh, he might be over a feet taller than his mother but self preservation means knowing when and when not to let Nigerian parents hear your opinions.

“This seems too much like mamie and hamma Shaheed.” She said after catching her breath.

“There’s a reason they all love each other, it wouldn’t surprise me if I learn they share tips on how to push their sons into marriage.” The fed up look on his face made her burst into laughter “it’s not funny.” He glared at her.

“Oh it kinda is.” they stayed silent after that and when Layla felt the atmosphere change from playful to serious she almost ran out of the room.

“Hamma please let’s not talk about it.” She said before he could start.

Layla knew Fahad was the most patient and friendly between the three friends but there were some things he wouldn’t just let go.

“Fine, let’s not talk about it right now, believe me my head is already full right now.” He turned to her all traces of lark disappearing from his features “But I need you to tell me what the hell happened last night.” He lowered his voice a bit but he didn’t sound any less stern or at all accommodating.

“It was nothing.” She muttered avoiding his eyes

“Like hell it was nothing, Layla I walked in on Jawad having a panic attack in the middle of the night with you, was that even a panic attack, he was hallucinating for Allah’s sake and you say it’s not nothing, do you know how serious that it?” he took a deep breath to calm down.

“We were just talking and it happened, I didn’t know what to do, I was about to call you then you walked in.” She defended weakly, she didn’t have it in her to fight.

“What were you talking about?” he asked after a moment.

“I can’t tell you.” He nodded, Layla breathed out in relief thinking he would let it go.

“I’ve only seen him like that once,” he started, when Layla turned to him giving him her undivided attention “It was the day Dada Aliero passed away, we were so scared he kept calling ammi,” his eyes looked glazed like he was reliving the memory “We tried everything to get him to snap out of it, it was like he was seeing her before him, he kept looking at one place for almost an hour, Shaheed thought we could snap him out of it by an ice bath, it was dangerous but the best bet, we didn’t find any ice so we settled for cold water

“I wish we hadn’t though,” he stopped, his breathing a little unsteady, “Shaheed poured the water on him and he just lost it, he kept struggling and fighting air like he was trying to escape something, I didn’t know what he was fighting, I still don’t know but he kept struggling until he couldn’t, and we just stood there watching him fight memories he might never get over, then he passed out, I’ve only ever felt so scared and useless in my life once,” he stopped again, he didn’t have to elaborate she knew what he was talking about, when he caught his breath and tried to continue, his voice sounded choked, he had to clear his throat a few times before he had the courage to keep going.

“He wasn’t breathing, we called the ambulance and tried everything while we waited but he wasn’t responding, they had to revive him before proceeding to the hospital, I saw him fight Layla, he gave up because he couldn’t and when he was finally stable, he asked for you, only you, no one was enough he just wanted you there with him.” He ran his hands through his hair and over his face, he knew there was nothing they could have done but that didn’t stop him from feeling guilty.

Layla hadn’t realized she was crying until she tried to take a deep breath and felt her nose blocked, she didn’t know what he meant when he’d said she wasn’t there, her mind just went back to all the times she wasn’t there for him, through all his hurdles, even when he was diagnosed with PTSD, she wasn’t there, all the times that mattered and that made her feel worse because he was someone she could always count on, he dropped everything when she called and the one time he need her, she let him down.

No, she has been letting him down continuously for fifteen years and not once did he give up on her, she had to fix it, she had to fix him, whatever is left for fixing she wanted to be the one to do it, it was selfish of her to want it but she’d already accepted she was selfish.

She didn’t know when Fahad left the room, she just looked up and found an empty room, not bothering to look for him, she headed to the room she slept it and searched for her phone before she could convince herself to sit and doubt herself she called the number.

Layla held her breath when it started ringing, she almost gave up when she heard a beep indicating someone has picked the call.

“Jawad?” she called softly, the reply shook her to the core and that was when she felt it, it was over for real.

Toh Masha Allah, see you when I see youuuuuu

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From Fahad with love

Amyrah