☼ ☾ ✩

𝟑𝟐... 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬?

☼ ☾ ✩

Monday, the day of the home inspection and my siblings' interviews comes and goes like a wave rolling right by. The whole day is a hazy memory, and even when I was living through it, it felt like a dream. My memory is broken up into bits and fragments. I remember the smell of cologne when the home inspector arrived. I can still feel the soft hair on the back of Chandler's neck when I held him back from jumping to say hello to Jakob. I recall standing idly by in the living room while Mr. Inspector explored the house, and I vaguely remember some of the things I said during my interview.

After the two men left with a promise to let us know the court date within the next twelve hours, I very quickly went back to bed, but not before Kaya practically force-fed me dinner and Cam fireman carried me upstairs and plopped me under the ice cold shower head to get me to wake up enough to take a shower.

I hear Vienna quietly ask Cam if I'm sick, and when Mason tells her that I'm not unhealthy, just sad, I start crying again. I feel sick to my stomach as Kaya leads me by the hand back to my room after I finish showering, and I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as Kaya hugs me goodnight and leaves me alone to go to sleep. After my parents died, my anxiety got really bad and I struggled with depression, but after a lot of therapy, I got better, and I haven't dealt with anything like that since. Being like this now, unable to pull myself out of it, makes me feel like I'm covered with a thick coat of shame. I'm embarrassed about the way I'm acting, but I also don't give a shit. I want to be there for my siblings, but the dark cloud hanging over my head makes it feel impossible to do anything but sleep.

And so that's what I do.

☼ ☾ ✩

When I am shaken awake at an ungodly hour of the morning, the first thing I register is the smell of pine and soap.

"Matt?" I mumble sleepily with my eyes still closed.

"I'm here, Sunshine." Matt's voice breaks the silence of my bedroom, and his gentle hand rests on the side of my face as he smooths his thumb over my cheekbone.

I blink my eyes open to see Matt's silhouette hovering above me, and for the first time in over a week, my body is flooded with adrenaline. I sit up like a rocket, my blankets falling to my waist as I gape at Matt through the dim lighting of my room. "What are you doing here? What day is it?"

"It's Friday. Court day," Matt says softly, his smile warm in the early morning chill of my room.

"I haven't seen you in over a week." My words waver as a rush of guilt washes over me.

"And I was a bitch to you last time we spoke."

"And I told you, I don't care," Matt states bluntly as he tugs my blankets off my body, leaving me shivering. "Get up. We're going for a drive."

"What do you mean we're going for a drive?" I groan wearily, sleep hanging heavily over me.

I peek at the time on my phone and my jaw gapes when I see that it's six in the morning. "Matt, what the fuck?"

"We're going to watch the sunrise. Get up." Matt turns on my lamp beside my bed, ignoring my moan of protest at the bright light. He moves away from my bed to tug open my dresser drawers, and he works quickly to assemble an outfit for me. "Logan, I said get up."

"Why are you being bossy?" I grumble, watching him move to my closet to locate one of his sweaters that I stole from him a few weeks ago.

"Because otherwise, you'll try to push me away again. And I'm not leaving this room without you." Matt raises his eyebrows at me defiantly before turning around to face the wall. "Get dressed. I won't ask again."

I grudgingly pull myself out of bed to strip off my shorts and tank top, trading them for the sweatpants, sports bra, and sweatshirt that Matt selected for me. "Matt, I really can't leave the house. Court's at ten am, I need to be here."

"Cam can handle getting everyone ready. I hope you're dressed because I'm turning around." Matt looks over his shoulder in time to see me tug his hoodie over my head, and he nods in satisfaction. "Good. Do you need to use the bathroom before we go?"

I scowl at Matt and don't respond as I trudge across the room to my ensuite, closing the door firmly behind me.

"If you're not out here in four minutes, I'm breaking the door down!" Matt whisper shouts through the door.

I roll my eyes in response and continue to stay quiet, focusing on grabbing my toothbrush to make myself presentable to leave the house.

When I exit the bathroom after brushing my teeth and washing my face, Matt is quick to grab my hand and tug me out of my room towards the front door.

"Matt, I really can't go," I continue to protest, despite having already gotten ready.

Matt ignores me and nudges my birkenstocks towards my feet for me to put them on before he nudges me out the front door. After locking up with a key that I don't remember giving him, he steers me in the direction of his car that is parked in the driveway, continuing to pretend he can't hear me as I plead with him to let me go back in the house.

"Matt, seriously, I can't go!" I raise my voice in a last attempt at convincing him to stop kidnapping, but my harsh voice only makes Matt glare at me.

"Logan. You are going through a hard time and I so want to be gentle with you, but I think you need some tough love right now. So you are going to get in the car and shut the fuck up because we are going to watch the sunrise. I will have you home before your siblings even wake up."

"Vi always wakes up early," I grumble defensively, but I climb in the car regardless, scowling when Matt slams the door shut behind me.

Only when Matt pulls away from my house does my frustration turn into anxiety, and I look over my shoulder as my house disappears behind us. I know I haven't been very present during the last week, but I don't want my siblings to wake up without me on the dreaded court day.

But as he always does, Matt seems to be able to read my mind, and he gently interlaces his fingers through mine on my lap, squeezing my hand to reassure me that everything is okay. I don't know if I believe him, but if he thinks it will be, then there has to be an ounce of truth there.

We're silent for the rest of the drive, allowing the sound of Mac Miller's Swimming to fill Matt's car. The stillness of the morning stretches around us as we drive in the direction of the beach. The roads are much quieter than normal, and the sky is only starting to become tinged with pink. It's a beautiful morning, but everything just feels wrong.

Matt eventually parks in a lot near the beach, and he retrieves a blanket from the trunk before meeting me around the front of the car and lacing his fingers through mine again. The sand is bare of people, but a couple of surfers are riding the early morning waves, and I watch curiously as a young girl manages to do an impressive flip thing.

Once Matt smoothes the blanket out, he tugs me down into the space between his legs, and I finally give up fighting him. I settle back against his chest and rest my hands on top of his as his arms twist around my waist. The sky is starting to turn various shades of pink and orange, and I can't deny that it's beautiful.

"We're going to play the question game," Matt murmurs into my ear, the fingers on one of his hands sliding under my hoodie to stroke the bare skin just above the waist of my sweatpants.

"We'll take turns asking each other questions, and we have to answer honestly. Okay?"

"Okay," I whisper, fiddling with Matt's free hand. Even though he's dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie similar to mine and looks like he could crawl right back into bed, his hands are bedazzled with his usual rings. The cool metal sends shivers down my spine as my fingers brush over them, and I am reminded of the first time I fell in love with his rings at that party so long ago. How far we have come since then.

"First question," Matt whispers, his breath warm against the shell of my ear. "Why do you think you were a bitch to me last week?"

"I think it's pretty obvious," I grumble, not pleased with the game that Matt has us playing. But when he pokes my side, I sigh and answer the question. "Pushing you away is the last thing I want to do. You keep me grounded when I'm upset, and I want nothing more than to seek solace in you. But I don't know what to do, and I took that fear out on you. I'm sorry for the way I acted and spoke to you."

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Matt kisses the side of my head, and I lean further into him, unable to stay away from his intoxicating touch. "Your question."

"Why are we out here?" I angle my head to the side so I can meet Matt's gaze, and my heart stutters when he kisses the end of my nose.

"Because I'm trying to show you that it's okay to not know what to do in challenging situations. The sun rises and the sun sets and we keep on living. What matters is what we choose to make each day, and I want to see you making choices that you feel good about." Matt's eyes pierce my own with their intensity, but despite the way he seems to be staring into my soul, I can't look away from him. "Right now, you're stuck in a rut and you're refusing help. But I'm here, and my sun is rising and setting, and I am choosing you. And I will continue to choose you. And I understand that you are going to choose your siblings, but I want you to choose yourself, too. What do you want, Logan? Don't think about everything that's happened recently. Tell me what you want."

"I want to keep custody of my siblings," I admit quietly, my words sounding loud in my ears. "I don't want to move to Australia. I think we're happiest here. I want to keep raising my siblings where my parents started our family."

"What else?" Matt prods me to keep going, knowing that more words are itching to escape my brain.

"I want you. Forever. I want you for myself, and I want you for my siblings." When Matt smiles, I continue to speak. "I want Austin to be a part of our lives again. I want to make up with Sydney. I want to help Cam succeed in his senior year and support him in making a decision for next year that he will be happy with. I want to help Kaya find herself and encourage her to stop finding temporary happiness in shitty things. I want to help Mason grow into the best version of himself, and apparently, he's getting into fights at school trying to defend other kids, so something about that situation needs to change. And I want to help Vi understand where her anxiety comes from and how she can overcome it. I just want to see my siblings thrive."

"And what's stopping you from getting these things?" Matt asks gently, already knowing the answer before I speak into existence.

"My fear." I rest my head back against Matt's chest, allowing my eyes to take in the brightening horizon. "I'm scared to admit how scared I am to lose my siblings, and I'm scared to admit how it would destroy me if I lost you. I feel like if I pretend that things don't matter to me as much, it won't hurt so terribly if I lose them."

"But if you admit how much you care, then you can fight twice as hard to get the things you want. What's the point of life if we don't chase after the things we're passionate about?" Matt rests his chin on my shoulder, his gaze following mine to the splashes of colour across the horizon. "This morning, you felt like coming out here with me was wrong because it wasn't the decision that you wanted to make for your siblings. But sometimes, we need to help ourselves before we can help others. And doesn't it feel good to do something wrong for once? To choose yourself before you choose everyone else? It might feel wrong to you, Logan, but there's nothing wrong about taking care of you. You're building yourself up so that you are stronger and more equipped to take care of the people around you."

"Has anyone ever told you that you are extremely wise?" I kiss the underside of Matt's jaw, resisting the urge to sneeze when his stubble scratches my nose.

"All the time. Especially Nick and Chris." Matt nods seriously, but his solemn expression doesn't last long, because as soon as I giggle, his face breaks out in a breathtaking smile. "So. What are we going to do now?"

"Fight for what I want." I shuffle away from Matt to hop to my feet, immediately missing his warmth at my back, but leaving his hold is worth it when I turn around to see him lounged across the blanket looking hot as hell.

"And what is it that you want?" Matt grins up at me as he extends his arms towards me so I can help him up.

"First, I want chocolate chip pancakes." I hoist Matt to his feet, laughing when he collides with me, apparently not expecting that I would pull him up with such force. "And then I want to put on a cute dress that makes me look like a good girl and go show the court why I deserve to keep custody."

Matt beams at me and lifts his hand for a high-five. "Atta girl. Let's do it."

☼ ☾ ✩

An hour later, my siblings stumble into the kitchen in their pyjamas, their noses twitching as they curiously sniff the air.

"I smell chocolate chip pancakes," Vienna mumbles to Mason as they jump down the last two stairs in unison, Kaya trudging close behind them with her jaw cracked wide in a yawn.

"Is that my big sister?!" Cam exclaims, his mouth splitting into a wide grin when he sees me pouring pancake batter onto the griddle. "Logan Castillo, what are you doing?!"

"I'm making pancakes." I grin at Cam, my body feeling light as air. "I hope you guys are hungry."

"I'm always hungry!" Mason beams at me as he skips across the kitchen to throw his arms around me in a tight hug. "It's nice to see you smiling."

I chuckle as I hug Mason back before gently pushing him away from me so I can flip the pancakes before they burn. "It's nice to be smiling."

"What sparked this drastic change?" Kaya raises her eyebrows suspiciously as she slides into a chair at the table. "Yesterday I was starting to think we were going to need to check you in somewhere."

"Kaya!" Cam scowls at the dark-haired girl, his eyes narrowed in warning. "Don't say shit like that."

The garage door slams as Matt reenters the house from the garage, and my siblings' heads snap up to look at him as he strolls into the kitchen, but his gaze is laser-focused on the juice cartons in his hands. "This is fucking ridiculous, Logan. In 100 grams of orange juice, there are 8 grams of sugar, but in fruit punch, there are 28. That is a massive difference! You should stop buying this shit."

"Matt!" Vi squeals, immediately abandoning her mission of trying to sneak a pancake from the cooling stack to sprint towards Matt and hug him.

Matt laughs as Vi collides with him, her face slamming into the middle of his chest as her arms fly around his waist. "Hey, kiddo. I saw you yesterday, remember?"

"I don't care, I missed you," Vi mumbles, still holding tight to Matt.

"I missed you too." Matt strokes Vi's hair as he surveys the rest of the room. I don't miss the slight nod he and Cam exchange, and my brow furrows slightly. Since when are those two friends?

"You were here yesterday?" I ask Matt as I flip the last pancake onto the plate and shut the griddle off.

Kaya snorts in amusement as she slides lower in her chair to be more comfortable. "Babe, he was here practically every day while you were checked out."

"And he took me and Vi out for dinner a few times with Nick and Chris when Cam and Kaya were working," Mason pipes up as he shuffles towards Matt to dap him up in greeting. "Everyone knows I'm gay now, by the way."

My jaw drops at Mason's blunt statement, causing everyone else to chuckle. "Pardon me?"

"Yeah, I told them all the other night." Mason shrugs nonchalantly. "No biggie."

My eyes stay wide as Mason grabs the plate stacked high with pancakes to carry it to the pre-set table. No biggie, I mouth to Matt, who grins and winks cheekily at me.

"Alright, let's eat!" Cam claps his hands to usher everyone to the table.

"Hey, uh, where are the dogs?" My heart drops as I suddenly notice the absence of my two furballs.

Cam chuckles and gently pats me on the shoulder before nudging me towards the table. "They spent the night with the Wallaces next door. Thought it would make things run a little smoother today if we don't have to worry about them."

I smile thankfully at Cam before I slide into my seat at the table, and my heart flutters when Matt's fingers graze mine as he sits down next to me. As if knowing the effect he has on me, Matt winks at me for the second time this morning before he dishes up food for both him and I. There is an assortment of food on the table because while I made pancakes and chopped fruit, Matt made bacon and home fries. Usually, Mason ignores all the food except for pancakes, but today, half of his plate is filled with bacon and potatoes. I think Matt may be a good influence on my siblings.

I clear my throat to catch everyone's attention before they dig into their food, and when five pairs of eyes land on mine, I nervously tuck my hair behind my ears before speaking. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for being so unavailable during the last week. I hate the way that I handled the news about the court hearing and I hate that I wasn't there for you guys, but I am so thankful to Cam and Matt especially for stepping up. For so long I thought that I was fighting for this family on my own, but now I see that is not true at all. I am so thankful for every one of you, and I promise that I will fight harder to not let myself slip into such a bad place again."

"Thank you for apologizing, but it's not necessary." Cam smiles at me from the other end of the table, and at that moment, I am struck by how much he has grown up, especially over the last few weeks. He has gone from a somewhat rebellious, angry teenager, to a maturing young man, and I could not be more proud. "We all have ups and downs, and sometimes some people aren't able to give as much. But that's what being a family is about. We carry extra weight when someone else can't carry as much, and no matter what, we support each other."

"We're so thankful for you, Logan," Kaya adds, her lips slanted in a small smile. "This last week made me realize how much you do for us, from making meals to cleaning the house to fucking walking the dogs at all hours of the day. I honestly don't know how you do it all."

"Hey, I always knew how much she did for us!" Mason protests, shooting Kaya a look. "I help her with all those things, you know!"

"Mason, my little helper and sidekick," I agree quietly, causing Matt to chuckle.

"But you are the best, Lo-Lo."

I beam at Mason's use of his childhood nickname for me, and when Vi echoes her brother's sentiment, my eyes fill with tears. But unlike the heartbroken tears of the last week, these tears are from nothing but happiness. "Thanks, guys. I love you all so much."

"I love you more than any of them do!" Matt interjects quickly with a cocky smirk on his face.

His statement immediately causes an uproar, and I sit back and smile at my beautiful family

as they fight over who loves me most. The world can try to kick us down as much as it wants, but our bond is unbreakable. And we are going to prove that today in court.

𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐚'𝐬 𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 ♡︎

^ cam when he sees logan alive and functioning

who caught the banner quote drop in this chapter? ;)

a reminder that anxiety and depression affects everyone differently! i wrote what i am familiar with, but mental illnesses looks differently in different people. there is no one way to express mental illness, so never make judgements based off of what you know. you never know what other people are going through!

2 chapters + epilogue left ‼️

question! if you could travel back in time, where would you go and why? you already know i'm going to say go back to bible times to meet jesus and the disciples, but other than that, i would probably go back to the 1950s or something, just to catch the vibe of it and experience what life was like back then (back to the future vibes ya know)

love you all endlessly 💜

🍓 🍓 🍓