☼ ☾ ✩

𝟐𝟗... 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲

☼ ☾ ✩

I'm still smiling when I wake up the next morning, cuddled up in bed with my dogs, Vienna and Mason. Ever since the night when all my siblings slept in my room with Matt and I, the twins have made a habit of creeping in after they think I am asleep.

Matt loves me. Matthew Sturniolo is in love with me.

"You look happy."

I blink out of my daydream to see Vi smiling sleepily at me, her blonde hair resting on the pillow below her head like a halo. I smile back at my little sister and smooth her hair out of her face. "I am happy, sweetie."

"I'm glad. You deserve it." Vi yawns as she burrows deeper into the bed, and within seconds, she is fast asleep again.

I lean forehead to kiss her forehead before carefully shimmying out of bed, careful to not wake up Mason, who is curled up on the other side of me. Chandler and Joey peer at me curiously as I quietly slip out of my room, but they don't get up to follow, so I shut the door behind me. It's only six in the morning and they usually don't eat until seven, so they probably think I'm going to be right back. But I've been awake for a while, and I'm ready for coffee.

The house is quiet as I make my coffee, but the soft hum of cars on the main road nearby greets me as I step onto the front porch to enjoy the morning. The birds are chirping, the sun is rising, and my siblings are all fast asleep inside. I have a boy who loves me, and I love him more than I thought possible. What more could I ask for? I have so much to be thankful for. Yeah, life has thrown some curve balls at my family lately, but in the big picture, we are all so blessed. Life can be hard, but it's important to focus on the things we have to be grateful for. I think I forgot to focus on the good during the last couple months, but not anymore. Things will be different from here on out.

When I am down to my last sip of coffee, my phone rings beside me, startling me since do not disturb is still turned on. I reach down to put my mug on the floor beside the porch swing before picking up my phone. When I register the name flashing across the screen, my blood runs cold. Why is my social worker calling me at 6:30 in the morning?

"Hello?" I answer the call hesitantly, my voice seeming loud amongst the peaceful morning around me.

"Hey, Logan. It's Jakob."

Jakob has been my siblings and I's social worker ever since my parents died. He was there to support us when my uncle gained custody of us after the accident, and when I turned eighteen, Jakob helped me fight for guardianship. He's been a welcome presence in our lives, and my siblings all enjoy his bi-annual visits to check up on us, but he usually doesn't call me unless there is something that needs my immediate attention.

"It's nice to hear from you." The pleasant greeting feels like a lead coming from my mouth, but I force it out regardless. Maybe this call is just about an upcoming visit. There is no need to jump to conclusions.

Jakob sighs, and in that moment, I know I'm not going to like what he has to say. "Logan, I'm not going to lie to you. This is not a casual phone call. I wish I could come see you in person, but I'm out of town this weekend and you need to know what is going on right now."

I bite my tongue, refraining from snapping at Jakob to jump to the point. "What's going on?"

"You are under investigation for not providing your siblings with a stable home life. The court is reassessing your case to decide if you are still the best option of a guardian."

You know that moment when you jump into freezing cold water and you can't breathe, your limbs instantly go cold, and you regret ever making the decision to jump? You feel like you're never going to reach the surface, and that the cold is just going to keep coming at you harder and harder. That is how I feel right now. Like my world has just been yanked out from under my feet like a loose carpet, like my heart has just been shattered with a sledgehammer.

"Logan?" Jakob asks hesitantly when I don't say anything. "I know this is really hard to hear, but I'm here to support you. We will fight for the court to see that you are the best option for your siblings."

I clear my throat and hastily wipe away the tears that have begun to roll down my cheeks. "Yeah, okay. What happens now?"

"There will be a home visit by me and an investigator, who will also interview you and each of your siblings. Once that is complete, there will be a court hearing to make the final decision."

"When is the home visit?" I force myself to think logically, asking the questions that need to be asked and discovering the information that I need to know. I can't fall apart. My siblings need me, now more than ever.

"In three days. On Monday."

"Okay." I cough slightly, trying to choke down the sobs that are rising in my throat. "Can I ask what led to this investigation being opened?"

"It was a few things, Logan," Jakob answers softly. "The major red flag was Camden and Kaya getting arrested, but Vienna and Mason's teachers said that they are both struggling in their classes academically, and, in Vienna's case, with her mental health, and Mason is apparently having difficulties with his peers."

What the hell does difficulties with his peers mean? Other than the one day Mason came home crying over something that someone at school said, he hasn't mentioned any troubles.

"The court was also concerned over Austin's quick departure after graduating high school. That was not a deciding factor, but it was something that played a role in the decision to put your case under investigation."

"My job had nothing to do with it?" I ask tightly, fearing Jakob's answer.

"Nothing at all," Jakob reassures me. "In fact, the court is quite impressed with your dedication to keeping your siblings out of the spotlight. It is understood that that information was recently revealed to the public, but that is not a part of the investigation. This is not your fault, Logan. From what I've seen, you're doing a great job raising your brothers and sisters. They are going through things that many teenagers experience, the only difference is that they are being raised by their big sister. The court just wants to make sure that your siblings are in the best place. And I know they are, so we just need to show that to the court."

"Okay. Thank you, Jakob."

"See you Monday at noon. And don't be too hard on yourself, Logan. Everything will be okay."

"Thanks." As soon as I end the call, my hands fly to my mouth to muffle the sobs that I can no longer hold back. The porch swing shifts below me as I rock back and forth, trying to stop myself from falling into a million pieces.

Jakob said it's not my fault, but how could it not be? Sure, many teenagers deal with identity crises and struggle in school or with their mental health, but couldn't I have worked harder to keep Cam and Kaya out of trouble? Shouldn't I have done more to help Vi's anxiety, and to help the twins with their studies? And I didn't even know that Mason has been having trouble with kids at school, so what does that say about me as a guardian?

I know that I'm the best option for my siblings because there really is no one else, but what if the court decides that it's best to split my siblings up? Cam's almost eighteen so they would probably let his case slide, but Kaya, Vi, and Mason are still years away from being adults. Uncle isn't physically able to care for them since his cancer diagnosis, and all our other family lives in Australia, plus some distant relatives from my dad's side in Mexico that we've only met once.

The court's only valid options are to send my siblings to Australia, uprooting their entire lives, and mine too since I would follow them there, or to split them up and put them in foster care or something, which is the shittiest decision they could make. I'm the best option by far, so why do I still feel like my favourite people are going to be torn away from me?

I have no idea how long I sit on the porch bawling my eyes out until Cam comes outside to take the dogs for a walk. When he sees me crying, he quickly ushers the dogs back inside before sitting beside me to pull me into his arms.

I let him hold me while I cry into his shoulder, grieving at the news I just received and uncertain of what to do next. Cam doesn't ask me what's wrong; he simply strokes my hair and stays quiet, offering silent support. He may have his moments, but he is a good brother, and a good person. All my siblings are. Maybe they would be better with our relatives in Australia.

☼ ☾ ✩

The rest of the morning passes in a confusing blur. I can't bring myself to tell Cam the news, and after I have no more tears left to cry, I force myself to put on a brave face to help my siblings get ready for school and take care of the dogs. Only once everyone is gone do I let my composed facade fall, and suddenly I am in tears again.

Somehow, I manage to get dressed and clamber into my car. My stomach is growling, angry that I haven't had anything to eat, but the nerves racing through me guarantee that anything I try to eat will just come right back up.

Driving from muscle memory, I drive in silence to the other side of town and park at the side of the road beside the graveyard where my parents are buried. A gusty wind whips my hair away from my face as I enter the cemetery through the black iron gate, and I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jacket to try to ward off the chilly air.

I seem to be the only person visiting the graveyard today, and the only sound that accompanies my shallow breathing is the occasional cawing of a singular crow perched in a nearby tree.

My parents' tombstones are on the far side of the cemetery underneath a large willow tree. Seeing their names written in bold font across the grey stone sends a stab of longing through me, and I sigh deeply as I lower to the ground to sit in front of the tombstones.

"Hi, mom, dad." My voice breaks the silence of the cemetery, and I hesitantly peek over my shoulder to ensure that I am still alone before returning my gaze to the stones in front of me. "I'm sorry I haven't come to visit much lately. Things have been so messed up. All the kids are struggling and I feel like I am failing them. And now the court has launched an investigation to see if I am still a fit guardian. What if they get taken away from me? I can't handle losing them." My words waver, and my eyes flicker heavenward as I sigh again. "Am I not doing a good enough job? Am I failing them? I thought that I had been doing a good job, and I'm so careful about not letting things distract me from my role as their guardian, but obviously I'm not doing as good as I need to be."

A few stray tears roll down my face, and a strangled laugh escapes my lungs. "This is just so fucked up. I don't even know what to do anymore. It's just been so hard lately. Maybe I'm not fit for this job. Aunt Caroline and Uncle Roger in Australia have always wanted kids but never been able to have any. I'm sure they would be more than happy to take over. Maybe that's what is best."

I fall silent and allow the comfort of being with my parents settle over my shoulders, desperately clinging to their presence like they're my last hope. By the time I finally whisper a goodbye and rise to my feet, I am in full tears again. I just don't know what to do.

When I start my car, I intend to drive home, but I soon find myself in front of the Sturniolo's house. Matt is probably the only person in the world who can make me feel better right now, but maybe that's the problem. Yes, Matt is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I didn't think that being with him had distracted me from my role as my siblings' guardian, but maybe it has. The one time I chose something for myself everything fell apart. What does that say about me?

I don't really expect anyone to answer the door when I knock since it's not even noon, but I don't have to wait long before Matt opens the door. He is dressed in plaid pyjama pants and a black t-shirt and his hair is sticking out in every direction, but I can tell he's been awake for a while since his eyes are bright and he has a tiny smudge of peanut butter in the corner of his mouth.

"Logan? What's wrong?" Matt's brows draw together in concern at the sight of me in tears on his front porch, and he quickly tries to usher me instead, but I take half a step back and shake my head.

"I– uh..." I sniffle as I wipe away my tears, and when Matt gently grabs my hand to pull me inside, I let him.

"Hey, I've got you." Matt coos as he pulls me into his arms, kicking the door shut behind us. "I'm right here."

A broken sob slips from my mouth, and I can't help but give in to Matt's comfort. I twist my arms around his waist and bury my head in his chest, his shirt quickly growing damp with my tears as Matt whispers sweet nothings while I cry.

"The court is investigating me," I eventually mumble into Matt's chest as my sobs subside. Matt's hand immediately stills from where it was rubbing my back, and I hear his heart rate increase under my ear. "They are unsure if I am still fit to be a guardian."

"Fuck." Matt swallows harshly and his grip on me tightens. "Logan, they'd be stupid to take the kids away from you. You're the best thing for them."

"Am I, though?" As much as it pains me to do so, I pull away from Matt's warm body and put a couple feet of distance between us. His face is scrunched in a mixture of confusion and sadness as he gazes at me, and I can't stop myself from wiping away the peanut butter by his mouth. "They've all been struggling lately, and it seems like I can't give them the help they deserve. My aunt and uncle in Australia are probably better suited to raising them. Obviously it would suck to have to move, but maybe this is what's best."

Matt's jaw gapes in shock and he shakes his head, clearly unimpressed. "Logan, what the fuck are you talking about? You are an amazing guardian and you take such good care of your brothers and sisters. They are so lucky to have you."

"They're not going to lose me, but they'll have actual adults who know how to raise teenagers in Australia." I shrug hopelessly as I take another half a step back.

As if realizing what I am doing, Matt's eyes flare and his mouth tightens. "Logan, don't do this."

"Don't do what?" I sigh as I run my hands over my face. My tears have dried up and I am left feeling more exhausted than I ever have in my entire life. "I don't know what to do anymore, Matt. That's the problem. Maybe someone else will know what to do."

"You're giving up right now, that's what you're doing." Matt stubbornly follows me as I take another step away from him, leaving me with my back pressed against the wall of the entryway. "You're giving up on your siblings and on yourself, and I can tell that you're about to give up on me too."

"I don't know what to do, Matt," I whisper, my eyes fixed on Matt's blue ones as he closes the space between us and rests his hands on the wall beside my head to lean closer to me. "I love you, but I have to make my siblings my main priority."

"They are your main priority." Matt's voice is low and his words are tight with desperation. "You have continued to put them first even when we became official, and I understand how important they are to you. And they're important to me too. Let me help you, Logan. Don't push me away."

"But what if I move to Australia?" I plead, needing Matt to understand where I'm coming from. "If my siblings are sent there, I'm going to follow them. And you need to be here. What happens then?"

"I don't know, and frankly, I don't give a shit." Matt removes one of his hands from the wall to gently grab my chin, and he tilts my head up to meet his gaze. "Maybe I'll follow you there, or maybe we'll do long distance. But I'm not letting you go. You can try to push me away as much as you want, but I'm not going anywhere. You can ignore me, yell at me, and make your siblings the only thing in your life, and I still won't care. I love you, Logan. I'm not leaving."

I exhale slowly, my eyes not straying for Matt's. The sincerity in his gaze makes me want to collapse back into his arms, but that's the last thing I should be doing. I can't just hide with Matt when things get hard. Maybe that's why things have fallen apart at home. "I just feel so lost," I admit quietly. "Everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do."

"So let me help you. You don't have to do this alone." Matt drops his hands to squeeze mine, and despite the confidence in his voice, I can feel the slight tremble of his fingers. "Please don't push me away."

"I just..." I bite my bottom lip for a moment as I roll the words over in my mind, not wanting to say them, but not knowing what else to do. "I just don't know, Matt. I think I need space."

Matt's adam's apple bops as he gulps, and rather than fighting back against what I said, he takes a step back. "I'm not going anywhere," he repeats his words from earlier, but this time his voice has a hard edge. "Push me away if you want, but until you tell me you hate me, I'm not leaving. Your biggest fear just came true and you're scared, and I get it. But I know how you feel about me, and I know this is not what you want."

"I don't know, Matt." My eyes well with tears again, but when he reaches out for me, I shake my head and quickly pull up the front door. "I have to go. I'm sorry."

Matt doesn't stop me as I duck out the door, shutting it behind me before I scurry to my car in the driveway. But as I am climbing in my car, I see Matt open the door again and step outside to drive away. His figure is blurry, but when I wipe away my fresh tears, I see tears of his own shining as they slide down his cheeks.

I quickly look away from him, my heart shattering into a million pieces as I start the car and pull out of the driveway. Matt's figure shrinks in the distance as I drive away, and my heart grows heavier and heavier.

I just don't know anymore.

𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐚'𝐬 𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 ♡︎

^ me writing this chapter

i love love love all your comments and i adore responding to them, but right now i am going to focus on getting chapters out!! i still see all your comments and i appreciate every single one, but it takes up a lot of time to reply to you guys (which i honestly love doing, don't get me wrong), but i so desperately want to get this book finished before i go back to school. and in regards to getting chapters out quickly, i also am not proof reading as carefully as usual lol. so feel free to comment if you find any *staircases* so i know what to fix when i go back to make edits later :)

since logan is being a silly little goose and falling apart, i want to encourage you guys to stick close to your loved ones when you are going through hard times. it can be so easy to push people away when we are hurting, but i promise that things are easier when you let in the people around you 🩷 and i am always here if any of you need to chat! my pinterest is the perfect place to message me privately if you need to :)

question! share your hot takes LMAO. here's some controversial things that i believe in:
- i pour my milk before my cereal
- i think that squirrels look like tiny puppies and i want one
- i eat ketchup with many things and always end up flabbergasting the people around me

i love you all very much! see you maybe tomorrow or monday 😘

🍓 🍓 🍓