But I love you more

Lia's

"I think you should leave."

Napatitig ako kay R3 matapos kong ibaba ang tray na naglalaman ng dalawang baso ng orange juice at dalawang platitoo na may red velvet cupcakes. Nakatitig siya kay Gino habang nakahalukipkip. Madilim na madilim ang mukha ng pinsan ni Lemuel. Hindi ko naiintindihan kung anong nangyayari. It's the first time that he talked that way, this is the first time I have seen him agitated – that it actually scared me. Hindi ganoon ang R3 na kilala ko. He's always smiling, he's always happy and he makes people around him comfortable pero iba yata ang R3 na nandito ngayon. I swallowed. I awkwardly chuckled pero hindi naman ako pinansin ni Ricardo III.

"Why? I'm here to check up on her. Lia is a friend of mine. Ikaw sino ka ba? Mas may karapatan akong nandito because I care for Lia."

"Lia is family." Mariining wika ni R3. "Pinsan ko si Lemuel Arandia—"

"Na siyang may kasalanan ng lahat ng gulong ito—"

"Actually, wala namang may gusto ng gulong ito. It was just blown out of proport—"

"Jusko, Lia!" Napasigaw si Kuya Reggie. "Kalat na kalat na sa twitter iyong video ni Gino na pumapasok dito! Hindi nakakatulong na nakita kayo nang gabi ng after party nang nagkukwentuhan at nagtatawanan. The media is painting you darkly! Like you cheated in your marriage!"

Wala akong inintindi sa sinabi ni Kuya Reggie, mas inaalala ko si Lemuel. Hindi kami magkasama ngayon, pinagseselosan niya ba si Gino kaya siya nagpakalasing noong gabing iyon? Pinagseselosan din niya si R3 – kaya ba siya ganoon nang maghapunan si R3 sa amin noong nakaraan? Hindi malinaw sa akin ang lahat, but I have a feeling and I trust my instinct that it is that way, and now, iniisip ko kung anong tumatakbo sa utak niya ngayong alam niyang nandito si Gino at nandito na rin si R3?

Gusto kong tawagan si Lemuel. Gusto kong malaman kung anong iniisip niya. Sigurado naman akong nakarating sa kanya ito. Kanina ay maayos kaming nagkatapusan sa usap namin. Sinabi niyang uuwi siya bukas para makapag – usap kami, but that could change because of these two men's presence. I bit my lower lip. Mangiyak – ngiyak na ako. I looked at Gino.

"Hindi ka kasi dapat nagpunta rito, Gino." Nagsabi na ako. Nilingon ako ni Gino. His expression suddenly softened when he looked at me.

"Nag-aalala ako sa'yo. Hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag ko."

"I didn't even tell you that I'd call you. If I didn't answer the phone once or twice, you should've gotten the message." Malumanay ngunit mariing wika ko. Mukhang galit na rin sa kanya si Kuya Reggie kasi iniirapan na siya nito. Kanina pa rin text nang text si Atlanta, sigurado akong umuusok na ang tainga noon. Wala namang nasabi kaagad si Gino sa akin kaya nagpatuloy ako.

"I really appreciate your concern, pero Gino hindi ito ang tamang gawin. You're just igniting the fire more. Galit na ang mga tao dahil sa gulong kinahaharap namin ni Lemuel mula pa kagabi dahil sa mga video na iyon, tapos nandito ka pa, anong iisipin nila? Hindi ako galit, Gino, pero seryoso, wala ka sa lugar."

"And you're only telling me this? Paano naman siya?" Tinuro ni Gino si R3.

"He's here to check up on me. Iba siya because R3 is family. People know that he's Lemuel's cousin. Kung bibigyan nila ng mali ang pagpunta niya rito, walang kaso dahil alam ng lahat na magpinsan sila, but you... you caused this ruckus and I don't know what Lemuel is thinking now..."

"Lemuel is thinking that you're being hurt." Wika bigla ni Kuya Reggie sabay abot sa akin ng phone niya. Nakita kong napatayo si R3 at tumabi sa akin, tulad ko ay nakatingin siya sa phone na hawak ko.

Lemuel Arandia posted a screen shot of the article about me being the reason of our marriage falling apart, I bit my lower lip to ease myself from crying.

Please stop meddling with our relationship. You don't know what we are going through right now. Making up things like this could hurt and bring pain to us both. Lia is not a bad person; she is not what you are trying to paint her to be. She is the most genuine person I have ever met, she is kind-hearted and loving. Please, please stop making things up.

A tear fell from my eye. Wala akong ibang nais gawin kundi ang puntahan si Lemuel at yakapin siya. Baka ma-misinterpret na naman ng ibang tao ang inilabas na statement ni Lemuel, o baka ikagalit na naman ni Atlanta ito dahil ginawa ito ni Lemuel nang hindi niya nalalaman, I don't know but it feels that way – pero wala na akong pakialam because right now, my heart bleeds for him, I want him home. I want him near me.

I looked at Gino. Clueless na clueless siya sa mga nangyayari.

"Gino, please leave. Kuya Reggie, please escort him." Tinalikuran ko silang lahat. I went upstairs, to my room, and I sat on the bed, hugging my knees while crying silently.

I wish it's morning already. I want to talk to him immediately.

xxxx

Lemuel's

"Are you sure you're sane enough to do this?" Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses nang itinanong ni Luisa sa akin ang bagay na iyon. He knew that I didn't get enough sleep. He knew that I stayed up all night thinking about the things Lia and Gino might be doing. Hindi masama ang loob ko kay Lia. Hindi ko ipapamukha sa kanya ang mga bagay na ginawa o gagawin niya kasama si Gio. Buo naman na ang desisyon kong maghihiwalay kaming dalawa. Sisigurihin kong sa gitna ng gulong ito, Lia will come out clean. Ako naman ang may kasalanan kung bakit nandito kami sa gulong ito, sa akin nagsimula ang lahat ng ito and Lia only wanted to help me. I will make sure she'll get the happiness she deserves.

"Lemuel..." Tinawag ako ni Paolo. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito siya, but he arrived this morning with his wife's bodyguard – Maris daw ang pangalan noong kasama niya. She looked timid but Paolo said that Maris can take out anyone. Ganoon daw ito kalakas. Hindi ko alam kung para kanino si Maris. I have my own group of men that can protect Lia. I don't need anyone, pero hindi na rin ako nagtanong. "Sasama kami ni Maris. Siya ang bahala sa mga media na nasal abas ng bahay ninyo."

"Hindi naman ako sa front door dadaan. I'll used the back door. Mas madaling makapasok sa bahay na iyon mula sa likod kaysa naman salubungin ko ang surge ng mga reporters na iyon. Hindi tulad ni Gino." I said and sighed.

"I think Gino is just using this moment para mapag-usapan siya." Wika pa ni Paolo. "Hindi ko siya kilala pero publicity is always publicity – good or bad, pag pinag-usapan siya, advantage niya iyon. She's just using Lia. Lia will never cheat on you." Tulad ng pamilya ko, wala rin alam si Paolo sa kontrata kaya hindi na ako kumibo. The fact that there is a possibility that Gino is just using Lia makes me angry. I want to take her away from him. He might take advantage of Lia. She doesn't deserve that. I want Lia to be happy.

"Let's go." Wika ko na lang. Paglabas ng unit ay naroon na ang mga bodyguards ko. Kotse ni Paolo ang sasakyan namin para hindi ako matukoy ng mga taong nasal abas ng bahay. Luis will be using my car and he'll be parking in front of our home. Maganda ang plano, sana ma-execute nang maayos.

Habang nasa sasakyan ay tahimik na tahimik ako. Inaalala ko ang nangyari kagabi. Iyong sakit na naramdaman ko noong ipinakita sa akin ni Luigi ang retrato ni Gino habang papasok ng bahay ko. I cried in front of my brothers telling them how much I love Lia. How hard I tried forgetting about it. Mali kasi ang mahalin ko siya.

Lia clearly said that we shouldn't fall in love with each other and we should just focus on our roles and work.

That was the moment I knew that I felt something for her, pero kung gaano kabilis para sa akin na malaman iyon, gaanoon din kabilis ang naging desisyon kong kalimutan na lamang siya.

It was all fun and games when we were fake dating. Sinisiguro naming mahuhuli kami ng mga reporters. We will sneak around, be seen, pagkatapos ay tatawanan namin ang lahat ng iyon sa loob ng kotse ko. I really enjoyed my time with Lia.

But at the night of our real fake wedding, Lia turned to me, she smiled and she just said the things that made me realize feelings I never thought I already have for her.

"Let's not fall in love, Lemuel. It can ruin us. We just need to focus on our work and roles. Kayang – kaya natin ito, diba?! Fighting!"

She sounded so enthusiastic that moment and I found myself nodding along with her.

And I did my best to forget all the feelings I have for her, akala ko ay napagtagumpayan ko iyon, I just realized last night that I only buried my feelings for Lia at the back of my mind and in the deepest part of my heart. Now, realizing that I can lose her any moment, pained me so much. Ayokong mawala si Lia, but if I couldn't make her happy, if I cannot give her what she needs, then I just must let her go. Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung mas lalo ko pa siyang masasaktan sa mga susunod pa.

It ends today, even if it hurts so much, this will end today.

"Nandito na tayo, Lem." Wika ni Paolo. Sa lalim ng iniisip ko ay hindi ko namalayan na nasa tapat na kami ng bahay ko. I thanked Paolo and went out of the car. Mula sa kinatatayuan ko ay naririnig ko ang kaguluhan sa labas. Siguro ay naroon na si Luis at nagkakagulo na ang mga reporters kasi akala nila ay ako ang lalabas sa kotseng iyon. I shook my head, how the hell could they do this job? Naninira sila ng tao, they are feasting on other people's pain and making money out of it. Grabe.

Sinalubong ako ng katahimikan. Wala akong naririnig na galaw sa buong bahay. Nagtuloy ako sa kitchen. Doon ko nakita si Kuya Reggie na nakahiga sa mahabang couch, nakabalot ng kumot habang tulog na tulog. Sa isang couch ay naroon din si R3. Nakapatong pa nga sa mukha niya ang cellphone niya. Mukhang nakatulugan na lang din niya ang panonood ng kung ano.

I looked at the grand staircase on my left. I took a deep breath before I went upstairs. Alam ko naman kung saan matatagpuan si Lia. She's inside her room. I was sure of that.

Nakarating ako sa second floor. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang mga bagay – bagay. I don't want to feel this pain but if feeling this pain in my heart is the only thing that can save her from further hurt and tears, then I am ready to experience it repeatedly.

Tumayo ako sa tapat ng pinto ni Lia, I was about to knock when the door opened. Lia was there, her eyes were swollen, her cheeks were read because maybe of too much crying. She saw me and she sobbed. Walang ibang salitang namutawi sa aming dalawa. She just moved forward, launched herself to me, wrapped her arms around my neck, buried her face on my chest and cried.

"You're here already. You're here." Muffled ang boses ni Lia dahil nakadukdok siya sa dibdib ko. I felt a sudden rush of warmth from head to toe. Natagpuan ko ang sarili kong niyakap siya pabalik – pahigpit nang pahigpit. Naniniwala akong ito na ang huling beses na magagawa ko ito.

I want Lia to be mine alone. I couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else. I want us together but do I have the right. Kung minsan ay nakakalimot akong wala pala akong karapatan sa kanya. Kung minsan ay nalulunod ako sa kakaisip ng mga senaryo na kaming dalawa pa rin ang magkasama, but again, I don't have the right.

"Stop crying, Lia..." I was caressing her back.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. Wala kang ginawang mali. I was the cause of it all. Stop crying. Calm down. Hindi tayo makakapag – usap kung hindi ka kakalma."

She tried taking a deep breath, pero napasigok lang siya. Lalong humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin – as if she doesn't want to let me go, but she has too – we both have too.

After a few breaths, she was able to calm herself. Hinatak niya ako papasok sa loob ng silid niya. The state of her room right now is unlike her. Napakagulo, nagkalat ang unan sa sahig, iyong quilt niya ay nakarolyo sa gilid ng kama, nagkalat rin ang tissue sa paligid ng kama niya.

"Sit... sit... please sit..." Tinapik – tapik niya pa ang space sa tabi niya. I sat beside her, she took my hand and held on to it like her life depended on it. She, then, looked at me.

"We need to talk. Please don't cry." Sabi ko pa. She nodded. Inayos ko ang buhok niyang nagkalat na sa mukha niya. I tried drying her tears but it keeps falling. Humilig pa siya sa akin.

"Lia, I'm so sorry..." Wika ko. She just whimpered. "Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. I was so drunk. It's all because of me."

"I forgive you... but... but I got so scared..." Paliit nang paliit ang boses niya.

"Are you still scared of me?" Mahinang tanong ko. I felt Lia shaking my head. Bahagya siyang lumayo sa akin. I suddenly miis the warmth of her head on my shoulder.

"I was just scared at that moment...you... you seemed so different, you seemed so angry... I... I didn't like it."

"I'm sorry..."

Muli na namang natahimik ang pagitan naming dalawa, pero magkatitigan kami. Kinuha ko ang dalawang kamay niya.

Lia spoke again. "Do you really want an annulment?"

"I want to make you happy." Instead of answering, I told her this. Lia's lips were quivering, napasinghot na naman siya. "But I keep on hurting you." She shook her head.

"No..." Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

"Lia..." Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya. I really need to say this. I want her happy and it will only happen if I give her back her freedom.

"I am letting you go..." Wika ko sa kanya, pero kasabay noon ay ibinuka rin ni Lia ang bibig niya and what came out made my heart leap.

"I love you, Lemuel."

And just like that I found myself saying: But I love you more, Lia.