I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

- anti-hero (taylor swift)

59. anti - hero

"Hyung - would you mind if I ask you something?"

Han Seojun had never interacted with any of his band mates and neither did they talk to the aloof man. They had tried - a lot - to get the man open up and speak to them, if not as a friend, then as their frontman but Seojun always kept to his guitar and the songs.

He hardly spoke up - a little at recitals and practices to guide the band - but never tried to get involved in personal matters of any of the boys. He kept to himself and kept his secrets hidden.

Even then, H, the youngest member was Seojun's favourite. Something about the goofy boy reminded Seojun of good, happy years.

Seojun didn't reply to H's question, rather kept practicing the song as he flipped the sheet.

"This woman, Kang Soojin-shi," That caught Seojun's attention ar once and he stopped strumming his guitar. "Is she your girlfriend?"

Seojun really wished - all the time - that looks could kill people, so by now he'd have half the people around him buried underground. He glared at the boy, who was taking his chances nonetheless, slyly looking at Han Seojun.

"Don't look at me like that - it's just, the way you behave around her..."

"What does that mean?"

"I mean I never - ever in my entire career of being in Starlight - saw you speak more than two words rather syllables and here you are, with sentences and paragraphs on end." Seojun narrowed his gaze at the boy, who continued to ignore him. "Not just me, the rest of the boys think that too. I was the only one brave enough to confront you and find out the truth."

"Soojin isn't my girlfriend - nor was she my ex-girlfriend." Seojun focused on the music sheet again, ignoring the funny feeling in his heart as he said in the most monotonous voice possible. "And neither is she my fri -"

Friend.

Soojin wanted them to be friends again. But Seojun wasn't sure about the entire thing. Heck, all he did the entire time they were together was keep gnawing at her lips and resist the urge to kiss them.

How in the world was he to be friends with her when his thoughts weren't friendly.

But, he wanted her around. He really wanted her around and that may have been why he signed the contract in the first place. As much as he'd deny being involved with Kang Soojin, he couldn't deny how much he longed for her.

He hadn't agreed to being friends with Soojin, asked for some time because there was no way they'd be friends after having a history as complicated as that. But - if they weren't friends, Soojin would be around that fancy boss of hers and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

Atleast as friends, he'd be closer to her.

"Not friends?" H interrupted his thoughts, a chuckle on the side, "it looks like you both need a roo-"

The door to the auditorium opened at once and the rest of the bandmates arrived, thankfully on time else H would have had a hard time covering the bruises on his face. The conversation was kept on hold while the band practiced for their Busan concert which was two days away.

Seojun, however, still couldn't get Kang Soojin and her red lips out of his mind.

_

"You asked him to be your friend?"

"Yes."

"Are you what - stupid?"

Soojin gasped - why were everyone calling her stupid?

"I'M NOT STUPID, I WAS THE SMARTEST STUDENT IN SAEBOM HIGH!"

"Second smartest - "

Soojin and Jugyeong ignored Suho who had peeked from the latter's mobile, trying to get a hold of the conversation between the girls. It hadn't even been a couple of days, yet Jugyeong and Soojin acted like they were soul sisters or something.

Suho was forgotten instantly when the girls reunited.

"Friends? You and Seojun? Friends? FRIENDS?"

"Jagiya- the entire complex can hear you yelling, calm down love."

"Ya Kang Soojin!" Suho was ignored per usual when Jugyeong yelled at the screen, "speak up."

Soojin sighed. She was on FaceTime with Jugyeong and Suho, updating them about the day's charade and everything that followed. The duo was pleased with the growing fondness between the old flames - Soojin kept back the intimate details of course.

But when Soojin said she offered to be friends with the cold man, Jugyeong spilled her coffee and Suho ran to bring paper towels. The very idea of being friends when clearly she could see the duo have unresolved issues with each other didn't sit right with her.

"But why?"

"Because I want to be his friend." Soojin said, determined and adamant to not being called stupid. "I don't want to be selfish and act on our past but just for once, understand the man as a friend would. He deserves to be heard and who else to talk to, but a friend! Also, being a friend can really help him drop his walls around me. That's all I want. Just for him to be himself, atleast for some time."

The speech quietened Jugyeong and Suho nodded in agreement. He, unlike his fiance, liked the idea of Soojin being friends with Seojun. He couldn't be a good friend to the latter because of their intertwined pasts but Soojin stood a chance of being friends with the singer.

Good friends in fact.

"And what about stopping him from -"

There was a uncomfortable pause on the call. Soojin and Jugyeong both lowered their gaze, Suho sighed in distress.

"I'm gonna keep my word to him. I'm going to be a friend." Soojin acclaimed, nodding in affirmation. "And like a friend, I'm going to be by his side, in the good and the bad."

That concluded their video call for that night. Jugyeong asked Soojin about the rest of her day and the advertisement shoot for the next, asking her to free herself for dinner. They bid each other goodnight and Soojin rested her back on her bed, sighing again.

Only to get a flashback of Seojun pinning her to the wall, standing dangerously close to her and she being unable to do anything. How was she to be a friend to him, when she really really wanted to be so much more.

But he needed a friend. He needed someone with him and Soojin would do just that. Be by his side, supportive of him and his decision.

And pray - desperately - that he changes his decision.

_

Han Seojun was up at 4 in the morning.

Another nightmare, another set of insomnia where the sleeping pills did nothing to calm him down. He wasn't permitted to gulp beyond his prescription and Suho monitored it personally. So all Seojun could do was gaze at the white ceiling of his boring hotel room and wonder why was he chosen for such a miserable life.

He never did any harm to anyone.  Never wished or did evil, nor did he ask for greater things in life. His mother and his sister were his only treasure, then why were they snatched away from him?

He wondered how his mom was doing, and hoped she was sleeping peacefully. He thought about his little Gowoon and hoped she was happy - wherever she was.

And whispered in the dark night that they'd have to wait no longer to see him.

He'll be there sooner than ever.

Tired of the empty thoughts, Seojun turned his mobile on and scanned through the tons of notifications. The online attention packed with the fan messages were ignored, so were the messages from his friends.

The only he did take note was Kang Soojin's profile and the green dot besides it.

Why was she awake? At 4 in the morning?

Seojun hesitated to type a message. She should be sleeping, he wanted to text her to sleep, or maybe ask her if the wound had healed or just ping her.

But he didn't.

He kept looking at her profile picture - longingly - and admired how beautiful she was with her short silky hair, big black eyes and her cute smile. She may have not been the smartest in school, but she sure was the prettiest and there was no doubt about that.

@kangsooo
I see you're awake too.
(seen)

Han Seojun dropped his phone at that sudden ping and before he could back out, Soojin's text poured in.

@kangsoo
Oh, and you're in my dms?
why are you up!
It's 4 AM -

@hseojunnie
I should tell you the same thing.
It's 4 am. Go off to sleep.

@kangsoo
I CANNOT BELIEVE THE HAN SEOJUN REPLIED TO MY DMS!!!!
OMO SOMEONE PINCH ME

Seojun rolled his eyes - as tired as he was, he could not believe how dramatic Soojin was at 4 in the morning.

What happened to the Kang Soojin who was never bothered by anything ever?

@hseojunnie
did anyone ever tell you
on how extra you are?

@kangsoo
you're the only one.
except Jaehun ofc.

Seojun sat up. Who the fuck was Jaehun? And why did that name sound so familiar?

@kangsoo
that reminds me, you haven't met Jaehun yet did you?
he is the one who got up early and woke me up from my slumber

Woke her up? Did they sleep together? What was he reading? Who is this Jaehun and why is he with Soojin!

Seojun had tons of questions, but he kept them to himself. No, it's stupid being upset over a stranger and Soojin had a life of her own. He should not try to get close to her or her ordeals.

@kangsoo
why are you seeing my texts but not replying to them?
did you fall asleep midway?
it's me - hi
I'm the problem it's me -

Seojun rolled his eyes again. Soojin was quoting Taylor Swift, an American Singer who was quite popular in Korea.

@hseojunnie
how is your wound?
Did you change the dressing?

@kangsoo
I completely forgot about it.
Fuck.

Seojun shook his head, his finger slid to the call icon and in the next second, Soojin picked up the call.

Only to hear Seojun yelling at her.

"Are you insane? Did I not tell you to take proper care! What if there's an infection - and what if -"

"Aah, Han Seojun -" Soojin's sleepy voice did a little something to the man's steel walls, especially how cute she sounded. "You are still an Ajhussi - a grumpy old man."

"And you're still a kid." He sighed, audibly as he sat back on the sofa. "I cannot believe you are so ignorant about it. Especially when I gave specific instructions -"

"Seojun, it's 4 am. Just - okay..." Soojin yawned, a luxury Seojun didn't have. "Also, why are you so concerned anyway? It's not like we're friends right - "

Seojun could hear the sly tone in that statement and picture her little evil smirk. He huffed - like a stubborn kid - as he rested his neck on the headrest, "it's called being humane."

"Oh humanitarian - that's what we call this lately? I see."

"It's 4 am and you're still so sarcastic."

"It's 4 am and you're still talking to me. Sounds like friendship to me - "

Seojun bit back the smile that threatened to etch on his face and sobered rather immediately.

"Goodnight Soojin. Go off to sleep, you need to rest. And we're not friends."

"You need to rest too." She replied, tired and sleepy.

"Well, I cannot sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, then that's it."

There was a pause over the call. Seojun expected a sympathizing set of words from Soojin - as people always did whenever he mentioned his insomnia and nightmares.

"That's sad." She said, and followed with an immediate response, "anyway, since we're not friends yet, I can sleep so I'll be hitting the hay. I have an arrogant team leader and an ill-tempered client to handle - so... annyeong." She cut the call, making Seojun frown.

Seojun was baffled at the response. He looked at his mobile phone and the smiling Kang Soojin in the display picture and in the next second - he smiled.

It wasn't just a smile - it was a little chuckle, a snort - a step towards a new beginning.

Seojun had a smile on his face - he had forgotten what a smile was lately - as he laid back on the sofa, hands under his head and thinking about the girl who made him forget about his stupid life for a split second.

That was the first time Seojun slept after waking from his nightmares and the first of many times, to do it with a smile.

_