Say I wouldn't care if you walked away
But every time you're there, I'm beggin' you to stay
And when you come close (when you come close),
I just tremble

- only love can hurt like this
(paloma faith)

56. only love

Han Seojun wanted to die.

It was yet another night of nightmares and since he took the pills, he was way too numb to react to it. He couldn't pull himself up from the sofa and he couldn't sleep either. It was another face-off with his demons and all of his tears had dried.

A sleep paralysis attack.

The doctors had given fancy names for his scary nightmares. a figment of his traumatic memories coming back to life. The cold numb hand, the bloodied flashbacks and the insanely detailed voices. He wasn't permitted to eat more than the prescribed medications and while he did try to one night - tired of this life - he was resurrected back to his cruel life.

This time he had a foolproof plan to never come back.

As he lay awake yet asleep - the voices and screaming echoed through the room. He could feel the cold hand grabbing his and he didn't have the energy to shake it off. All he could do was endure the night - it will pass.

He reminded himself that this wasn't real. None of it was. He was in the hotel room, on a sofa, and Suho was just ten feet away. Right - this wasn't real - but he couldn't stop his racing heartbeats and the chills that ran down his spine. He was sweating, his back seemed wet even then he was shivering.

Please - he muttered - please help.

But he couldn't speak either. It was in his head, even the cry for help. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he tried lifting his hand - something to get out of the nightmares - but he couldn't and for the next five minutes - which seemed like an eternity to the boy - all he did was watch his demons mock him.

They were toying with him.

He sobbed. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go to his mother and lay his head on her lap. He missed the way she'd pat his head and caressed his cheek. He missed hugging her and eating the tasty ramyeon she'd cook for him.

He wanted to go meet his sister. Pull her hair, tease her and then pacify her. Bring her all sorts of books to read and then call her a nerd. He missed goofing around with her, their late night midnight snacking and her innocent cute smile.

Just once - for once - he wanted to hug them. Tell them how much he loved them. Tell them that he didn't like it here without them. That he wanted to go back to them.

To go home.

Seojun could finally get out of the paralysis state. He touched his face - wet with tears - and his clothes were wet with his sweat. Seojun sat down on the floor - hands covering his face - he didn't have the energy to cry out loud.

He felt icky - disgusted and dirty - but he felt cold too, rubbing his arms on interval to provide some sort of comfort. Alas, his hands were just as cold as his numb mind.

So he sat on the cold floor, wrapping his arms around his knees as he lay his head on the sofa. The sleeping medication helped him doze off soon after but the lingering nightmares still followed him.

Especially that cold hand.

_

Yoon Jaehun was acting different that day. He didn't eat breakfast neither did he greet Soojin when she wished him. Even last evening - when Soojin arrived home after a day out with Jugyeong - Jaehun wasn't studying per usual. He was watching something on his cellphone and answered Soojin nonchalantly.

Maybe he's stressed for the exams, Soojin thought. Why else would Jaehun act like a teenager all of a sudden? But Soojin was way too preoccupied to see that Jaehun was avoiding talking to Soojin to hide the scar on his face.

The bruised lips and fresh wounds on his arms and legs. He wasn't going to bother Soojin with additional stress when she was already dealing with her shit. She was also paying the rent for him, provided a place for him to be safe and made him feel like he was at home.

He wasn't going to bombard her with his pathetic life.

That being said, Soojin brewed some coffee for the kid who lay asleep on the sofa. She tucked the half strewn blanket on him and before she could look at the blackish mark on his arm, her cellphone rang.

"Yes Jang-nim - I am almost there." She lied, hurriedly packing her bag and left the house. "I'm practically running - "

"Miss Kang, you should know that I'm your senior and have way more experience in all of this."

"Well then why do you ask?" She shrugged, adjusting her cell in her shoulder and right ear while sitting on her motorbike. "If you know where I am - "

"Come straight to the hotel - "

"Hotel?" Soojin frowned, they didn't have a meeting today but then she remembered she skipped yesterday for Jugyeong. "Yes Jang-nim, I'll be there in ten."

"Take twenty, but drive safe."

Soojin chuckled, turning the key on her bike - she was amused by how caring Mr. Choi could be at times and she liked this side of his. It made him seem more human than the condescending robot - he was tagged as.

Soojin hopped on her motorbike and zoomed away - the cold wind hitting her face and the adrenaline while riding - the only thing that helped her feel alive. It was mundane to be living alone and without anyone - so little things as this were what helped her.

Until that moment - when a kid was crossing the road before the traffic lights turned red and Soojin had to press the brakes - resulting in a sharp turn and the bike to fall on the sidewalk.

She winced - her arm holding her body - as onlookers and passerby helped her and her bike up. The kid came running to Soojin, apologising. She was okay, thankfully and so was her bike.

"You okay?" She asked the kid - a ten year old - "you should not be crossing the road like that, kiddo."

"I'm sorry - I'm sorry." He bowed, and Soojin couldn't help but smile. She ruffled his hair and asked him to be more careful whilst thanking the people who came to her aid. "Be careful, arachi? Life's way too precious!" With that, Soojin rode off towards her destination.

She was late - actually late - by the time she reached the lobby and ran with her files. The meeting was due half an hour back but with the accident and the time she took to get back, and the traffic that escalated got her running.

"You're late..." Mr. Choi said, already seated in the conference room. "and way more - "

He paused when he looked at the girl. Her unkempt hair and heavy panting didn't get his attention, rather the blood dripping from her right arm did. He instantly got on his feet - marching towards the woman - and held her arm.

"What happened?"

Soojin was still gasping for breath - she ran way too fast - as she looked at her arm. She didn't realise she was bleeding - it was just a cut nonetheless and it didn't hurt as much.

"Oh - " She lifted the sleeve, a deep cut made her scrunch her face - "It's nothing. Probably hurt myself when I fell - "

"You what?"

Soojin had never seen Mr. Choi as expressive as he was in the moment. He held her arm - ever so softly - and pulled her a bit closer towards him. While he was examining the wound, Soojin observed his face - since when did Mr. Choi had such attractive features.

His eyes were a shade of brown - which she thought were black until then - and his clenched jawline - the sculpted cheekbones and the strands of hair falling on his forehead.

Um - what the fuck - why did she feel so giddy all of a sudden.

"I'm okay - " Soojin took a step back, withdrawing her hand from his. "I'll apply some ointment - "

"I've called for first aid - I can help you - "

"I can do it." Soojin cleared her throat, she had definitely hit her head or something. "I'll just fix it and be back - I'm sorry once again."

Mr. Choi watched her leave with a slight pang in his heart. It was weird for him to be overwhelmed with concern for a junior. It was also weird how his heart kept beating loudly when she was standing close to him.

She smelled like - fresh flowers - particularly lilies - honey, soft and a hint of spice.

Soojin on the other hand cursed herself for being so negligent. She held her arm - afraid her pretty top was ruined - with the first aid kit. She would have to buy herself a new top - waste all the more time - and then be screamed at by Mr. Choi.

This one was totally on her.

She hurriedly made her way to the washroom - focusing on her wound - and dashed into people, particularly the Starlight boys.

"Soojin-shi," Ha Minju was the first to notice the blood, "you're beeding!"

The boys surrounded her, asking if she needed help or if she was okay and Soojin politely told them that she was. They were too cute when they were so concerned about her.

"I'll help you." Ha Minju replied sternly, holding the first aid kit box. "Let me - "

But a sturdy pair of arm reached out and held the kit box. Seojun didn't look too pleased with the scenario, his tired eyes looking - rather glaring - at the fellow guitarist. Soojin watched Ha Minju withdraw his hand and the boys walked away while Seojun stood back with her.

He looked exhausted. She could see how tired his eyes were despite the makeup covering his dark circles. His face was expression-less, his eyes scanning her arm and his hand on the box. He held her arm, scrutinizing the wound and then met her eyes.

Without exchanging a single word - not even a greeting - Seojun pulled Soojin with him, grabbing her wrist and pulling her behind him. Soojin didn't protest either - flustered by the way Seojun took charge and the jealous looks from people around - especially women.

She was brought to his room - the one he shared with Lee Suho - and was made to sit on the sofa. Seojun didn't speak - and neither did Soojin - as he cleaned her wound with disinfectant and applied the ointment. Soojin's burn on her arm wasn't as inflicting as the one in her heart as she looked at Seojun. He was kneeling down - as she sat facing him - slowly bandaging the wound.

Even up close he looked so aloof and cold. His eyes - they had evidence of years of nightmares - and his face - losing the boyish innocence.

Soojin inadvertently reached her hand and touched his clenched jaw. His face muscles relaxed immediately when Soojin's warm touch graced his skin. Seojun's soulless eyes met Soojin's soft gaze and a very particular memory replayed in their mind.

Han Seojun blamed his sleeplessness and numbing senses when he shut his eyes at the touch of her hand on his face. He held her hand with his, it felt strange - comfortable too - when he clasped their hands together.

The warmth of a human touch - the soft, warm hands of Soojin were comforting to the man who hated the cold hand of his nightmares. He held her hand, grasping it for dear life while Soojin found it harder to breathe.

Seojun was too close to her and she wasn't sure how she was still breathing. If he'd take the lead and close the distance between them, she'd let him.

"Your hands - " Seojun spoke, breaking the silence between them. His soft whispers sounded melodious to the girl. "They're so pretty - " He was hesitant, Soojin could see his tense gulping and the teary brown eyes. His eyes held hers, a small - tiny - smile on his face as he tucked her hair strands behind her ear.

A smile Soojin had been wanting to see since forever.

"yeppeuda..." He sighed - a sigh of relief than of misery - as he beamed at her, eyes teary and lips hesitant to smile. "aju aju yeppeuda..." (very, very pretty!)

That was when Soojin realised that she missed Han Seojun - way more than she anticipated. She missed him and everything about him. His goofy smile, his smug attitude, his gangster actions and his bright eyes that always held hope.

Moreover, she missed being happy with him.

_

A/n I think I need a break from this story because I've no clue what I'm writing lol