40. perfectly messy

The party was held for Lee Jooheon's success in his recent film and for his son's birthday. The entire hotel was booked for the guests. And alongwith few close friends and business associates of Lee Jooheon, the friends of Suho were invited too.

Unlike Kang Soojin, everyone else were thrilled to be invited to such a close and private event of the Lees. Kang Soojin couldn't and wouldn't care less about these suck up parties and honestly, if her father wasn't directly looking at her, she'd be working on the project.

For now she sat on the table reserved for Suho's friends, sighing in contemplation to what was to come.

Lee Suho was the centre of attention, with his father introducing him to every single one of the guests.

Soojin watched the duo, closely, she could see Suho smiling for real. His smile reached his eyes and that's how she knew that they had really mended their relationship.

The thought saddened her.

It was a relief because she liked Suho and she was glad that he could finally bid his past goodbye but the jealous part of her couldn't help but be miserable.

She looked at the direction of her father, he was sipping wine with his doctor colleagues, glaring at her at intervals. She then turned at her mother. Her mom was at the open bar already and with what seemed like two soju down.

Soojin sighed, rubbing her palms against the other. She didn't have the energy to go wash her hands so scrubbing them over and over helped too. She placed them on her lap, under the table to not attract any sort of attention.

The skin over her knuckles was wearing out already, although before she could rip it, a warm hand held hers. Soojin's gaze quickly raised to see who had a death wish to hold her hands but then Seojun's smile easily calmed her glare.

While he stood besides her, hand still holding both of hers, the rest of the Saebom School mates had arrived. Soojin was surrounded by pretty looking Jugyeong and Suah, and pretty passable Tae-hoon and the few couple of others Suho hanged out with.

She turned at the boy who wouldn't let go of her hands, bending to hold it.

Her breath was hitched instantly the moment she saw Han Seojun in a well cladded outfit. He wore a white shirt over black pants and a black blazer lay on his arm. His hair was neatly tucked and she couldn't help but gawk at the handsome boy.

"Handsome aren't I?"

That snapped her out and she gulped, averting her gaze. Seojun smiled, pulling the chair besides hers and sat up close.

"What are you doing here?"

"Suho's my best friend."

"Right. I meant here." Soojin tilted her head, meeting his strong gaze. "Besides me." She said that in a hushed voice, not wanting to garner more attention from the others, especially her father.

"Where else would I be?"

Soojin was taken aback at that and she gulped, averting her gaze again. Seojun's gaze was too strong for her to hold and she'd rather quit than lose.

While Seojun held her hands, refusing to let go even when she tried pulling it, the rest of them sat around the table. Jugyeong was eyeing Suho who had a bigger smile watching her walk in and while Tae-hoon and the others were already snacking, Suah couldn't help but stare at the mismatched duo.

"Hi guys," Suho greeted the lot, the most calmest greeting that was. And Jugyeong leaped out to give him a hug. "So pretty." He complimented her and the rest of them awwed, especially how pretty they looked with their matching outfits.

Suho wore a dark maroon blazer over his white button down shirt and pants, hair neatly gelled. Jugyeong wore a pretty red dress and hair plaided beautifully, marked with little star clips that went with her pendant.

"You guys look so cute. Let me take a picture real quick." Suah took her mobile and the duo posed for her. They then gave Suho the mobile to click pictures of them while they posed.

Soojin's eyes were now on them, her facial expression quickly saddened at the feeling of being left out and lonely. She lowered her gaze, eyeing her hands which Seojun had left once he saw her so broken.

"Here," Seojun raised his hand towards her, startling her. "Take my hand."

Soojin turned, "why?"

"Whenever you feel anxious, and you do that..." He paused, eyeing her hands, "you can take my hand instead." He smiled, tilting his head, "and scrub it, or rub them, or break them apart if you'd want."

Soojin sat back, "and why would I do that?"

"So that your hands don't have to go through any sort of pain again."

Her heart skipped a beat.

Soojin wasn't sure what was that, but she had studied about it. That weird funny feeling when a human heart skips a beat and while medically that could be an issue, romantically it was a good sign.

"So here you go." He opened his palms, raising them towards her. "All yours."

Soojin felt at the top of the world at a mere action and wondered whether she was going insane or this was a dream, an illusion.

"Michaso." She said, slapping his hands away with a smile while Seojun edged closer with his chair. "You don't need to use your pickup lines on me, Han Seojun."

"Why? Are you already impressed?" He raised his eyebrows with a teasing smile. "I knew you couldn't resist my charm, I'm just dead drop beautiful."

"Drop dead gorgeous."

"So you agree."

Soojin smiled, rolling her eyes while Seojun watched her with a satisfied grin. He had managed to turn that frown upside down and given the person was Kang Soojin, he should definitely be nominated for an award or something.

"Ya Han Seojun, you said you didn't like parties as such." Suho commented, his eyes sharply noticing the duo and Seojun sat back with a smile.

"Yes. But it's your birthday. How could I miss that!"

Suho chuckled, "sure sure."

Seojun was saved when Suho was called by his father. Suho took Jugyeong with him while Suah and the rest of them sat back with the dinner party starting. The emcee introduced the father and son, wishing them both for their eventful days and everyone clapped heartily.

Soojin didn't however. She didn't care about Lee Jooheon's success and she knew it wasn't Suho's birthday. She remembered how six months back she had bought him the expensive signed baseball bat and how he had discarded it like it was nothing. She also remembered how for each birthday of his, with every gift, she'd attach a handwritten letter for him.

Which he never once read, clearly, since she never got any replies.

What was about her that made people repel and mad? If everyone in the room had a problem with her then clearly she was the problem.

The three tier premium cake was pulled out in a trolley whilst every one were called to the centre. Soojin stayed back, hoping that she'd disappear somehow and never come back.

Her anxieties rushed in again, especially with the way Suho and Jugyeong were with each other. Happy and in love. Suho's father was proud of him, his friends were around him and she was on the other side of the room.

Always alone.

Heading out of the cheering crowd, Soojin entered the washroom in the corner of the hallway and let the cold water run on her hands. She felt extremely worthless, stupid and unimportant and pumped the handwash, cleaning her hands.

The tap shut almost immediately, and Soojin looked up furiously at Seojun, equally agitated as she was.

"Seojun what the fuck-"

But Seojun only grabbed her arm, pushing her towards the glass mirror. His hands against either side of her and Soojin hadn't quite seen him so upset.

"Han Seojun," She said, their eyes meeting, standing way too close than they should. "Let go."

"You let go." He was seething, panting and almost ready to cross lines with how insanely intoxicating she smelled. "Let go Kang Soojin, let go of these things that bother you. How long are you going to hide in bathrooms and clean the hands which don't need cleaning."

Soojin hated being vulnerable and more so hated Seojun being right. She broke the eyelock, because if she kept it intact, she'd break down in front of him again.

"Why don't you get that you're beautiful, you're smart, you're legit the coolest girl of our school. People both admire and fear you. I admire you so much. You're good with conversations, you have a smile that is so contagious it makes me wanna smile too."

Soojin shut her eyes, afraid she'd let Han Seojun win her with his sweet words again, but Seojun didn't stop.

"You don't need your father, or Suho, or Jugyeong. You don't need to stand first to prove yourself worthy. You don't need to pretend to be on a good behaviour. You don't need anyone's help, or attention or even approval. You're just as perfect as you are, Kang Soojin."

"Stop it."

"Your eyes shine with a glint of mischief whenever there's a fight involved. You never fail to take a stand for what's wrong. You hide being miserable and sad by being happy and cheerful. You've loved Jugyeong for who she was without the need to judge her."

Soojin held her hand to her ears, trying her best to drown Seojun's voice. She couldn't handle this, anything more and she'd cry in public again.

"Stop. Seojun, please."

"You're not this person, Soojin-ah. You're not. You're that girl who loves her friends, who'd die for them, without blinking an eye. You're the one who'd keep having long sleepless nights yet smile brightly the very next day. You're the girl who people look upto, not because of being rich or beautiful, but just because you're Kang Soojin. The girl who's simply perfect no matter how messy she is."

Soojin could feel her eyes tearing up, she tried pushing Seojun away but he wouldn't budge. The way her mind had fashioned itself for only toxicity made everything Seojun said seem like a polished lie to her.

She wasn't perfect. Perfectly messy, maybe. But she wasn't the girl Seojun described.

"Stop lying, Seojun." Soojin opened her eyes, those reddish eyes which glared at the boy. "Stop making me feel even more pathetic."

"I'm not lying." Seojun replied, softly and leaning closer, "you're being too hard on yourself, Soojin. Too hard on yourself. Why can't you see what I can see?"

"Because you're making things up. I am not any of these things you just described. Nothing. I'm a miserable, stupid, mean and messed up girl who deserves to be alone and pathetic her entire life. I've bullied Jugyeong, left Suah, and was jealous of Suho." The teardrop that fell on her cheek was wiped away quickly, "I'm exactly how I'm supposed to be."

Seojun gritted his teeth, he couldn't help but be pissed at Soojin and her stubbornness. His clenched jaw and another close step made it impossible for Soojin to escape him.

"Then why did you pay the debt I owed?" Seojun articulated his words carefully, eyeing the dumbfounded Soojin. "You thought I didn't know?" He scoffed, "if you're mean, and selfish, and stupid and a bitch, then why did you pay? Why didn't you just let me be?"

Soojin really had nothing to say to that. She thought about it, but for the first time, couldn't come to a conclusion.

"Was it because you saw a poor, helpless boy and thought you'd do a favour on him?"

"You know it's not that." She said, immediately correcting him. "It's anything but that."

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. Why did you pay up for me, if not for charity."

Soojin was losing this argument, she could sense it. So there was only one thing to do.

Quit.

"Let go of me Seojun. I don't want to talk."

"Really? That's your answer?"

"Let go."

Seojun took a step back and held back his anger, while Soojin readied to leave the place before anything else riled up between them.

"I did it because of your mother." She said, before leaving, "I did it because it was unfair on you to face problems you didn't create. It was unfair how you had to deal with so much and still do. I did it because I like you." She gulped, not turning back. "And I know you don't like me and this was all some stupid ruse and that's okay..."

"Who said I don't like you?"

Soojin turned, facing Seojun who unlike Soojin didn't care much about anyone's opinions.

"What?"

"I like you too, Kang Soojin. I really like you. Jinjja johaeyo."

_

a/n don't forget to vote and comment.

if the chapter didn't make sense, it's because I'm sleep deprived.