34. heartbreak

Kang Soojin was seated on the cold floor of the parking lot. This was her go to place on days as these, but she had stopped visiting  ever since high school started. She hardly got time for herself, and the only silent places she visited was the library, studying her ass off only to end up alone and stranded.

She was a pathetic self-destrutive person, who could never think beyond herself and she knew she had to do something before these thoughts would take over her.

All she did lately was envelope herself in thoughts that would never leave her by herself. She tried to run away from those but apparently it did not matter where she was, these were going to follow her till hell and back.

But one person's company overshadowed the gruesome thoughts and Soojin pondered that when she was with Han Seojun, all she heard was her loud heartbeats, nothing else but her heart slowly betraying her.

First she liked Lee Suho, the guy who was her childhood friend, rather only friend since a long time who knew who she was for real. She asked him out. He rejected her. Rather he liked the new girl, the happy-go-lucky Lim Jugyeong.

Jugyeong was nice, Soojin could never deny that, but it was unfair how Jugyeong gets Suho and Seojun for being bullied her entire life and Soojin got deserted from anyone even after suffering silently. Even Su-ah chose Jugyeong, the class did, the school did, everyone did, and she would have gladly accepted that she was fated to be alone if Seojun had not interrupted her plans with his cocky stupid plan.

It was a simple plan, to make her miserable, but Soojin never felt miserable with him. Not once.

She waited, waited for the time Seojun would break her heart, or make her feel sorry for what she did, or anything remotely related to what he planned but every time, every single time she was with that idiot, all she felt was... She felt safe, wanted, like she belonged, like she was more than what she was pretending to be.

And as she sat now, drawing her knees closer to avoid being cold in the sparsely lit room, she sighed, thinking how easily she was ready to let him break her heart. She needed therapy, loads of it, because no one in their sane mind would ever be friends with a person who had ulterior motives for being a friend. But, when she had no one, Seojun was her chingu, even when it was fake and planned.

She liked it.

She liked being with someone, to have someone to fall back to, to smile and laugh, to eat warm noodles and make fun of the other, to stand besides them and know that they will be there. She remembered everything that happened this past month.

Every single moment she wanted to die, Seojun was there, stubbornly, stupidly, but he was there for her. Running away from the bad clan, singing in the karoke room, climbing nine stories, barging in her room and holding her, the hugs and the study meets, the breakdowns and smiles, the hand holding and the kisses, everything ringing in her mind.

How long was she going to pretend that she was fine and let others make a decision for her?

Soojin had a plan, when she had locked herself in for three days, that she would soon execute it but every time she thought of doing it, Seojun stood right in front of her like a brick wall.

"Here," Seojun forwarded the warm take-away coffee he had brought when he asked her to wait. He handed her the warm beverage and sat besides her, backs against the wall. "I brought you a decaf, since it is a bit too late to drink coffee and I did not want you to be awake the whole night," He turned to meet her eyes, "and then miss school again tomorrow." With that he gave her a smile, and took a sip of his coffee.

Soojin warmed her hands, not in the particular mood to drink or eat anything. Lately she had lost her appetite and her brother's death kept unfolding in front of her eyes. He was a little baby and deserved to live a lot more, but then, she was thankful that he did not have a long miserable life like hers.

Seojun noticed how quiet Soojin was, he had followed her once they were out in the open and she headed straight towards the parking lot. He asked her to wait and ran to get coffee from a nearby shop, he had pocketed few muffins in his jacket but the moment he saw her so lost and tired, his appetite was lost.

He wanted to know what was wrong but he did not want to cross any boundaries either. So he sat besides her, warming his hands just like she did and wondered if Soojin was always alone, just like she was now.

Her parents were fighting, he could tell a broken family from the way they behaved with each other and observing Suho's family, he knew how painful it could get. The pain from the world stood no competition to the abuse from the family you are born into.

Seojun reflected on the instances of Soojin's parents, he remembered how Soojin's mother did not hug her daughter after he had brought her out of the room. If he was out even for an hour, his mother would worry and give him an earful, but Soojin did not even get a 'are you okay' from her parents. Her father looked at her with a murderous intent, maybe that was why Suho lied about school and took her out, just like he shielded her today.

Maybe that was why the two stuck together and were often found secluded in a corner, both from families with no love, and traumatic pasts. He knew Soojin had a brother who died, but he did not know anything else, other than the conversation he heard when he hid in the closet.

He also knew she was not the person she always presented herself to be. She was kind, smart, pretty, she respected people around her, spoke directly and without hesitation and she had the sweetest smile, something he had only seen few times.

She hardly smiled, which was easily mistaken for her cold personality. Sure she was rude, maybe mean, sometimes anxious and sometimes crossed her lines, but she had saved Jugyeong many a times before. She had threatened him too for troubling Jugyeong and had saved his sister from bullies, she could handle any sort of gangsters and definitely could throw a kick and a punch.

The only flaw of hers was she was too hard on herself.

"My mother was very sick two sems back," Seojun broke the silence, he knew she was not interested in his sob story but if anything, he wanted to make her comfortable. "She had kidney failure and almost lost her li-" He paused, the hesitation evident on how much the memories still pained him. Soojin shifted in her place, still eyeing the coffee cup, "not sure if you know or not, but your father..." That got Soojin's attention for sure, but Seojun did not notice. "He was asked by Suho to treat her asap and Suho put the entire hospital into chaos to ensure my mother got a successful transplant."

Seojun smiled, he was thankful for Lee Suho who even though was not his friend then still had his back. "He saved my Omma and for that I am grateful," Seojun threw his long legs on the floor, sighing, "although those days were still the most toughest thing about my life. After losing my father, death was and is scary for me, especially with Go-woon to look after. So I skipped school and started gathering money, doing all sort of jobs, modelling, waitering, interns for menial money and still... still felt short on cash." He eyed the cup in his hand, his name was misspelled on the cup.

"So I asked my former friends for money, and even though the means of the money were fishy, the interest rate unbelievably higher, I was desperate and stupid. It was my former gang, the one I joined only to rebel after Seyeon's death. The gang was stupid than my IQ but I still went along in their silly endevaours, mostly because I wanted to feel that I belonged somewhere. That I had someone with me..."

Soojin looked at him, whilst Seojun had his gaze lowered. Was this how she was looked at by him?

"Long story short, I got out of the group when they indulged in illegal activities and with me Chorong got out too and that is how we stayed friends. But the money I took from them, I gave them back, along with the interest but since I separated from the gang on my own, they were mad." He continued his tale, taking a sip of his coffee, "and hence they keep tailing me to demand even more money, threatening and chasing. Something I did not apologise to you for getting you involved in, I am sorry."

He met her eyes, Soojin's were without any emotions but Seojun's were teary. "My mother recovered but those days, every night I'd sleep with the thought that my mother would not get up again and it scared me so much. At times, I'd never sleep, just so I don't have to wake up. Stupid, I know." He chuckled humorlessly.

There was silence again.

Soojin was observing Seojun, the latter was sipping his coffee ignoring the way his cheeks warmed at the soft gaze of the girl next to him.

"If I ask you something, would you answer honestly?" Soojin finally spoke, her voice was softer than the breeze, almost a hushed whisper but Seojun heard it clearly, like he was waiting for her voice.

He nodded, hands on his lap after keeping the cup aside. Soojin rested her head on her knees, facing her left where Seojun sat and sighed.

"Why?" She asked, nothing after that but a soft sad gaze on him.

"Why what?" Seojun straightened up, turning to face the girl, legs folded. "I don't understand."

Soojin smiled softly, "why are you here?"

"I..." Han Seojun felt at a loss of words, he was here because he wanted to confront Soojin about what had happened earlier but was that really the reason? "I... we..." He fumbled for the right words.

"Would it be stupid to say that I don't really know why..." He replied, agreeing he did not really have a reason to come meet her but he wanted to. "You did not look too well when you were on the roof, it scared me honestly and I already have someone who decided to to end things from a rooftop rather than sitting and talking it with me." He lowered his head, tears was not something he was proud of.

"I did not want to lose another one I love in the same way."

That did not intend to come out the way he said, but he meant it and Soojin knew that. He realised what he said and met her eyes, her soft pretty eyes, carrying the weight of the world and still managing to captivate him. Soojin did not expect him to say that, maybe a joke, a funny comment, even a scoff, anything but that.

Not only was she having second thoughts on her plan, she had also triggered Seojun and it was not fair on him. Although, the moment he said that, her anxieties vanished in thin air.

Breathing became easier, vision a lot clearer and heart a little more lighter.

Soojin raised her head slowly, leaning in closer, Seojun on the other side was frozen as her face was inches apart from him.

He was afraid of making any more mistakes and she had so many under her name, this one did not matter. She looked at his lips and then back at his eyes, but she stopped before she could wipe the remaining inches between them.

It occured to her suddenly that she was not Jugyeong and that she liked another guy who was madly in love with Jugyeong.

She liked Han Seojun.

But she did not have the heart to lose another one to the girl she was so jealous of.

A sudden overwhelming feeling saddened her, her heart seemed heavy and it felt like the world was coming to an end.

Was this the heartbreak Seojun always planned to do? Was this the pain he wanted her to feel when she hurt Jugyeong? Was this how Jugyeong felt when she betrayed her?

Was this how Seojun felt when he saw Suho with the girl he loved?

Was this the pain she deserved?

Because it sure felt like that.

"You win," She whispered against his lips, catching him off-gaurd, "you win Han Seojun."­­

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