19. five steps

Han Seojun often felt close to tears whenever he entered the room where the trio would practice songs. He entered the room and just stood still. He could literally see the three boys, happy, singing, goofing around, the keys of the piano in synch with the strings of the guitar and Suho's voice, while Seyeon joined him, Seojun would sit back and watch his best friends in pure solace.

And then he blinked, the bright room immediately faded into the dark, soulless room it was now.

"Good times," Suho said from behind him, "I miss us." He said, and Seojun blinked the tears away. He wanted to go back to being the goofy Seojun with his two best friends, just being kids, without any trauma or differences, just being them.

But neither could they go back to the past, nor could they be as they were.

With Seyeon's death, the blame game, the nightmares, and now Lim Jugyeong, Seojun and Suho knew they could never be what they once were. Suho wouldn't give up Lim Jugyeong and honestly, Seojun himself wouldn't, and it wasn't fair on the girl to be caught up in a mess she wasn't a part of.

Sure they were still in school, but Seojun knew that if Suho and Jugyeong did stick to each other, he would never let his heart go through the pain again by watching them from afar. He didn't know what he'd do without them, but he wouldn't stick to just being friends.

It is what it is.

Han Seojun smiled at Suho's words, looking at the room and then moving towards it. The way everything was placed, intact and spotless, he knew that Seyeon's memories would be his guide for the days to come. Who knew one day they'd leave this room never to come back.

He leaned on the window, the view from this frame was beautiful, the sun setting behind some cluster of buildings was often his favourite and of course the window adjoining the room, the one where Kang Soojin stayed.

Turning towards the right, he saw the faint light from her room, and he was reminded of the incident that happened just few minutes ago. Seojun's anger was both instant and dangerous, having gotten the same from his mother, a bane and a boon.

"What are you thinking?" Suho stopped examining the drum set.

Han Seojun leaned forward, "I'm thinking why didn't I enter Soojin's room from here, instead of climbing nine stories..." He paused, putting Suho in a thoughtful daze. "This girl is going to be the death of me someday." He muttered loud enough for Suho to hear, and he climbed out, much to the latter's astonishment.

Suho immediately rushed towards the window only to see Seojun balancing himself on the little passage that joined the room with Soojin's. It was a narrow path and a misstep would mean death, if you're lucky, else a lifetime of hospital visits and Han Seojun seemingly didn't care much about it as he made his way to Soojin's room again.

"Ya, Han Seojun," Suho yelled, they already had PTSD from Seyeon's death, falling off the building and heights never seemed to sit well with Suho so obviously he was startled and disturbed to see Han Seojun do this shit again. "Han Seojun, please, get down."

"Gwenchana Gwenchana," Han Seojun managed to say, as he held the railing with his hands, sliding to the next room, "ya just don't cry on my funeral," Han Seojun joked turning towards the fearful Suho, "your face turns uglier when you do." He winked, sliding away from Suho who would have cried then if it wasn't for Han Seojun's safe landing in Soojin's balcony.

Han Seojun slapped his jacket, he was still in his school uniform and although his heart kept beating from the adrenaline, he managed to run his hand through his hair by looking at his reflection from the window. He couldn't see much because of the tinted glass, nevertheless he knocked, just louder to get Soojin's attention. He waited for whole five seconds to knock again, this time with a soft Kang Soojin, but there was no answer. He would have called her if he didn't see the window slightly ajar and what else would he do to escape the wind than barge in like a thief.

Well, just a second in and he was second guessing his decision.

The room was unlike the one he had seen the other day. This was one was neat, everything prim and everything tucked, bed done, the bookshelf in the corner where the books were on it rather than on the floor like the other day. No clothes lay strewn on the floor, not even a single paper lay cluttered, it looked better and fancier than a hotel room. The room had no resonance to a high school girl living in it. No k-pop idol posters, no quotes, no funny pictures, no album records, nothing. Not even a family picture or a huge portrait of her.

It was like a blank canvas.

This was breach of privacy. Han Seojun realised how he was intruding Soojin's privacy only because he wanted to know if she was okay. The bathroom light and the running tap indicated that Soojin was inside and that he had a nice chance to escape so he turned. However, voice of an adult approaching the door and the loud bangs almost ripped Han Seojun's soul out of his body.

He panicked when he heard the tap close and did what he probably should not have.

He hid in Soojin's cupboard, closing the door just in time for Soojin to step out of the bathroom. However he couldn't latch the door from the inside due to all the haste and Han Seojun held his breath when he saw Soojin's reflection from the little gap.

She walked towards the door of the room and opened it, with what sounded like a sigh.

"Soojin-ah, you want something to eat? You haven't eaten anything since you've come home from school."

Han Seojun wanted to add since lunch, but didn't and he kept still. Kang Soojin's mother had a sweet voice, he had met the lady when the duo had a big fight in the lane, a story for some other day.

"Omma, you don't have to pretend like you care about me." Soojin's sharp words took Han Seojun by surprise, his eyes widened and hands clutched onto the coats that hung inside. He'd always been kind and sweet to his mother and never did he imagine Kang Soojin out of everyone to be impolite to her own mother.

Mothers only deserve utmost love and respect.

"Why do you..." Her mother sniffed, Han Seojun felt extremely stupid for eavesdropping on their conversation. "Why do you hurt me with your words Soojin? Why do you..."

"Omma, you should be thankful that words are the only things I hurt you with and not stick to petty things your husband does."

What did that mean?

Han Seojun wasn't brillant in reading between the lines, nor was he the ones to keep quiet about things that disturbed him. He would have confronted Soojin, reprimanded her too for the way she spoke to her own mother. Because her mother started sniffing and that hurt him.

"You know I love you."

Soojin scoffed, he could imagine her cold expressions, she was really good in hiding all her emotions under the facade of a cold face. "If you would have loved me, you would have fought my battles with me, and not left me stranded when I needed you the most." Seojun gulped, the pain in Soojin's voice could rip his heart. "And now when I'm about to leave, Omma, do me a favour and never remember me."

Seojun held the wooden door, afraid he was going to act up and reveal his hiding place.

"Soojin-ah..."

"Don't ever remember me as your daughter. In fact keep missing and mourning over your dead son, but don't shed a tear for me." Seojun felt uneasy, uncomfortable and all kinds of suffocating. "I really really want to be all kinds of invisible Omma. Death made Jae-un more prominent to you, I don't wish to be even commemorated by this family." A five second calm before the final line, "I wished to die, Omma. I wished it be me who died and not Jae-un."

And then there was silence.

Han Seojun could hear his heartbeats loud, everything else seemed to fade. So many questions that arose in his mind all vanished over that speech of hers. Things that did leave a mark kept echoing in his mind.

Death.

Dead son.

Jae-un

Invisible.

Then the door was shut and locked, an automatic lock was also enforced as Seojun heard the keypad dial rather rapidly. He couldn't stay in the dark cupboard anymore, not because he couldn't hide, but because he didn't want to hide. He didn't want to corner himself especially at a time like this. So he stepped out.

Kang Soojin stood like a ghost. She didn't even react when he came out from the cupboard, rather she kept staring blankly at him. He stood facing her, eyes lost, face blank, not a single tear or remorse, or anything for that matter. She was getting a step closer in being a stone statue, a step closer to insanity.

Five steps.

One.

You couldn't beat Lee Suho? All this money wasted on you. Might as well drop out and start working as a maid.

Two.

He just worries for you. Study more and he won't hit you.

Three.

I don't like you. I like Lim Jugyeong. You need to understand that and let it go.

Four.

You were my best friend Kangsu. But you turned out to be worst person ever. I hate you.

Five.

Noona...

And everything faded into black. At first Kang Soojin thought it was the darkness that kept following her daily which she has now succumbed into. But then she smelled something, it was more of a cheap deodorant, the one she often cringed at. Somehow the deodorant was the only thing carrying a light in the back of her mind, it swiveled as she opened her eyes and instead found a pair of arms around her.

The deodorant and the boy who had held her, touched her, hugged her.

Han Seojun's long hands had easily wrapped around Soojin's weak figure. They were standing, yet Soojin felt no strength in her feet, they were in her room, but she felt no comfort, they were hugging, and still Soojin felt nothing.

"Let go off me." She said, her hands on either side, refusing to give in to human warmth. "Let go." She wouldn't have noticed Han Seojun was here if it wasn't for that fragrant of his. "Let go, please." She fought the urge to cry, the urge to breakdown, the urge to give up.

The last time she broke down in someone's arms, broke her heart. She didn't want to repeat the same thing again.

But Han Seojun wouldn't let her go. He was clingy and proud of it. He only held her as much as he could, resting his head on her head, her soft hair was like a comfy pillow to him. His heart was beating furiously, he could feel hers too, pacing much faster than his and he kept holding onto her. Even though she wanted him to leave, even though she kept asking him to leave.

Unless Soojin pushed him, he wasn't going to budge.

But Soojin didn't push him, she couldn't because it took just five more seconds for her to finally succumb to human warmth, more so to Han Seojun's touch and she break down. Her legs couldn't hold her anymore and she fell, weak was all she was and Seojun's grip tightened around her. Soojin knelt down, with Seojun seated besides, arms still around her.

At first Soojin felt nothing.

Then her heart felt heavy.

Then her body felt weak.

And her soul begged for her to accept what she was.

That was when the tears rolled down from her eyes.

And another heart broke that night.

_

stop reading this. Go watch The Glory. I'm so hyped for the finale. (No spoilers pls)