We may not know it,

But it is absolutely true

That each human being

Is inextricably related

To at least one angel.

- Sri Chinmoy

Which He did.

Maybe not in the way I would have wanted or expected Him to help me and be by my side – well, when does the Supreme ever cater to our expectations – but in other ways.

Which were much, much more subtle than the apparition of Dipavajan, Guru or the Supreme that I would have preferred.

Or would I?

After all, being suddenly faced with a living, breathing (well, maybe not exactly breathing...) deity or deceased husband is not the piece of cake we might think it is.

For one, the visitor might come with a mission. Which you might or might not be prepared to accept. Then, what would you do?

He might also stay, to encourage or push you to fulfill said mission.

Which I had actually half expected Dipavajan to do, once on the other side. Fortunately, leaving this earth plane appears to have a tendency to take away the human drive and bring to the fore the compassionate side of the souls.

And finally, having someone appear before you out of the blue is not something that those of us who have never had any otherworldly contact, could easily stomach.

According to Lorna Byrnes, who has been able to see angels from a very young age, it needs a lengthy preparation. Otherwise, the body panics.

(To those of you rolling your eyes at the thought of someone being able to see angels, I would recommend that you either learn more about Lorna (through her books or YouTube videos), trust me and my friends who have personally met her, assume an open and curious attitude, or skip to the next chapter.)

I had read her world-famous book Angels in My Hair a few years prior. It had made me cry a lot, due to the hardships that she and her family, as well as countless other people in Northern Ireland, had had to face at the time of her youth.

On the other hand, I had deeply enjoyed her encounters with the angels. Which these Divine Beings had utilized to show her some of the realities hidden from the eyes of most people, for her to share with the rest of humanity.

To spread hope and comfort.

I particularly liked the story of the two young boys on bicycles. Without telling her the reason why, the angels had asked Lorna to accompany them to a certain place on a country road, from where she watched the two youngsters being accidentally run over and killed by a truck.

Which sounds horrific, at first glance.

But the angels allowed her to see how the subtle forms of these two boys just continued cycling upwards and towards the light, laughing and smiling. They didn't even realize that they'd just died! Which takes a lot of drama away from the side of the people dying. And also shows that what appears to be a mere unfortunate accident from our perspective often has been a predestined part of the Divine Plan.

And just imagine how much easier these dramas would be for the people left behind, if they had the same ability to see what is actually happening. Of course, losing someone you love in the physical is never easy (tell me about it!), but these occurrences could be less fraught with self-doubts, regrets and trauma.

Why, then, isn't it in our nature to see these things? You might ask.

Well, the way I understand it, it would be too easy. We would not be able to learn and be successful players in this cosmic game of self-discovery and self-realization, if that were the case. Just consider playing a computer game and being given all those tools that you have to acquire over time, right from the beginning. Wouldn't be as much fun, would it? Well, apparently our souls are in a similar situation.

I also enjoyed Lorna's description how at every funeral the cemetery is flooded with angels, who are doing their best to comfort the grieving families, to give them strength and help them go on with their lives.

An angel comes not alone to birth,

Joy comes too.

An angel comes not alone to death,

Peace comes too.

- Sri Chinmoy

And Lorna describing how she was allowed to watch dying people ascend in a column of light and aided by angels, filled me with joy.

Lorna also said that each human being is always accompanied by their Guardian Angel (also known as an emanation in the case of Guru's and probably other spiritual masters' disciples), regardless of their faith and whether they believe in these Divine Beings, or not.

And the reason why I mention all of this, is because it helped me a lot.

Because when - on top of all my other knowledge about these things - I started to have (really!) long phone conversations with a friend who is perfectly normal and a deep thinker with a sincere, innate spirituality, but with a slightly unusual capacity - she is able to see the being supporting her - I decided to take things personally.

Literally.

In a good way.

But before I dive deeper into this, maybe I should also mention that I had practiced one of Guru's exercises for many years.

The exercise itself is very simple.

You repeat three times in the morning: 'My Lord Beloved Supreme, I love You and nobody else.'

You repeat three times at noon: 'My Lord Beloved Supreme, I need You and nobody else.'

And you repeat three times in the evening: 'My Lord Beloved Supreme, I belong to You and to nobody else.'

Ages ago, this exercise had suddenly really appealed to me and I had wanted to start with it right away.

Only... how could I possibly be sincere in uttering the words 'and nobody else', when I didn't truly feel that way? After all, there was also Dipavajan and the rest of my family and my friends...

But my creative mind soon found a satisfactory solution: According to Guru (and other spiritual masters), the Supreme is everywhere and in everything. Well, in this case I couldn't possibly love, need or belong to any one other than the Supreme anyway, could I?

I was fully aware that this way of looking at things was not exactly the way this exercise was intended to be done. In a way, I was cheating a bit.

But – it made it possible for me to start practicing it with sincerity.

And I do believe that this was the right way for me to do it, since the exercise gradually but steadily grew in intensity.

And had the Supreme Consciousness all around me been just a weak imagination exercise in the beginning, it slowly developed into an almost tangible reality.

Sometimes I literally felt that even my body was part of this all-pervading energy, as was the air that I was breathing into my lungs. Only my eyes were still part of my limited self, which was really the Supreme Consciousness curiously looking at life from a limited view.

Of course, I was well aware of the fact that the experiences I had through this exercise were still very limited and very much a part of my human mind.

But they hinted at the possibility of gradually widening my consciousness into the less tangible, even infinite, realm.

However, having come in contact with Lorna, my friend and also re-evaluating what Guru had said about the personal aspect of the Supreme, I decided that - at that time of grieving - I needed this one more than the impersonal and purely energetic aspect that I had felt drawn to all this time prior.

Therefore, I decided to value the personal presence of the Supreme, which is with us at every moment, but seemingly separated from us, and start trying to become fully aware of that presence.

And I did so by consciously making an effort to feel that someone (a Divine Entity) was embracing me constantly from behind, to protect and support me. (Lorna suggests that we imagine the wings of an angel cocooning us.)

In this way, after some time I was not only blessed with the continuous happiness in my heart, but I was also able to feel 'someone' supporting me and literally having my back by giving me strength, comfort and a sense of security.

Both feelings were very real to me, even though the protective aspect - unlike the spontaneous, solid happiness in my heart - was a bit of a mixture of imagining and actually feeling. But both feelings were of tremendous help in my struggle to get back on my feet. (I would like to add here that I know that Sri Chinmoy, as well as Sri Aurobindo, have repeatedly stated that the world of imagination has a reality of its own.)

But still...

The part of my being that was not my heart continued suffering. And no matter how much I tried to infuse the happiness of my heart into my emotions, I didn't succeed.

Yes, I truly enjoyed my blissful meditations (which had been my life-saviour throughout Dipavajan's illness), uplifting spiritual sources like books and songs, the long phone conversations with my friends and various other ways I had discovered to help me deal with my situation in a positive way. Like watching inspiring YouTube videos.

But during each day, I was still hit by frequent crying spells and the underlying sense of grief was ever-present. Even my mind agreed that life had become somewhat bleak. Although it was absolutely convinced that I would be completely fine some day in the near future.

But nothing I did managed to completely take away the heaviness in my body and the piece of lead in my stomach.

Which, in a way, I considered a natural and normal part of grief.

But one that I really wanted to get rid of.

A feat apparently beyond my capacity.

Until...