I don't know how long it's been since I lost my son. I just know that I've laid in bed all day ever since I came home.

I stood in his room for a little bit. But my heart couldn't take it. I had wanted to destroy everything thing in there, but I couldn't do it.

I didn't want to destroy anything.

I didn't want to go anywhere.

I just wanted my baby.

I currently laid in bed, holding the stuffed Chocobo I had bought for the baby to my chest. It was all I could do. The closest I had.

I remember when I was pregnant. Anytime I'd pick up the Chocobo, the baby would start kicking so much. I bet he would have loved Chocobos.

"Dawn." I heard. Cor had come in very often. With how I just drift in and out of consciousness I didn't know if it was every day or once a week.

"Dawn, come on. It's December. You need to get up and come back to work." He said. I didn't move. He growled and grabbed my arm and jerked me up right. He glared in to my eyes. My heart ached.

"Damn it, Dawn!" He said.

Crack.

He stared back at me in surprise. I had slapped him.

"Do you even care?" I asked. He stared at me. I stood up from the bed and shoved his chest.

"I know it's December, Cor! Damn it, this was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family, but our son is gone and we are never getting him back! Do you not remember that or do you just not care?!" I asked. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Cor stared at me silently.

"Did you even want the baby to begin with?" I asked. I asked the question that had been plaguing my mind.

After we lost the baby, he just went back to work. He didn't cry. He didn't even talk about the baby after he told me he failed to bring the baby home. There was just nothing. I didn't even see remorse in his eyes.

"Dawn." He said.

"Get out." I said. He reached for me, but I smacked his hand away.

"Get out! Leave and don't ever come back! I never want to see you again!" I screamed at him and shoved him back.

"Just leave! Damn it, Cor, Get out of here! Leave!" I screamed. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around myself.

"Just leave." I sobbed. I could feel him staring at me. I felt arms wrap around me and I felt him pull me to his chest. I sobbed in to his shirt.

"Dawn." He said softly.

"I just want to hold him again! I just want my baby!" I sobbed. He held me tighter than he ever had before.

He lifted me from the floor and put me back in my bed. I felt him wrap the blankets around me.

"Just... rest, Dawn. I'll come back to check on you in a while." He said. I grabbed his hand as he started to leave.

"Stay..." I whimpered.

Yes, I know I was just screaming at him to leave. But I was hurting so much.

I wanted my baby. I wanted the man I loved. I wanted my little family. I wanted all this to be a dream. I wanted it to stop hurting.

"It hurts... it hurts so bad..." I whimpered. He laid down beside me. He held me close to him.

"I know, Dawn. But lying here isn't going to make it stop." He said. I held the Chocobo plushie to my chest.

"I just want my baby back." I cried.

—

"Dawn?" A soft voice asked. I opened my eyes and sat up.

"Oh, good. You're awake." Jenny said. She sat beside me on my bed. I pulled my knees of my chest.

"Dawn?" She asked.

"... Why?" I asked. She hummed.

"Why does everything I love leave? Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"Dawn, you didn't-" she said.

"My father died before I was born. My mother left when I was five. Vic and Val died. My son was taken away from me and Cor can't even look at me anymore. That doesn't just happen, Jenny! What did I do? Why does everyone I love keep leaving me?" I asked and dropped my head.

"Not everyone, Dawn. We're still here. You have Jenny, Jett, Kinley, Richard, Emmalee, King Regis, Queen Grace, and me." Miranda tried. I shook my head and buried my face in my knees, tears starting again.

"Jenny, give me a second with her?" Miranda asked. I felt Jenny get off the bed and leave the room. Miranda grabbed my hand. She never was a hugger.

"Dawn. Look at me." She said. I slowly raised my head and looked at her. Her blue eyes stared right in to my green eyes.

"It hurts. I know it does. You've gone through something no one should ever go through. But do you think that your son would want you to sulk?" She asked.

"My son? He was a baby, Miranda. All he would want is his diaper changed, his bottle and to be held while he napped. That's... that's all I want, too. To hold my baby." I said softly.

"Dawn. You need to get out of the house. Go back to work. Surround yourself with your friends at work. Jenny and I can stop in to check on you every now and then. You're not going to heal in here. All you can do here is miss him." She said. I leaned on her and closed my eyes.

"I want this to be a dream. Everytime I close my eyes, I hope I wake up and it will be September. I hope that I will be pregnant again and Cor will be lying next to me, sound asleep as I rush to the bathroom with morning sickness. I just always go to sleep, hoping that when I wake up, this will all have been a nightmare." I said. Miranda hugged me gently.

"Go back to work, Dawn. You need it." She said. I nodded.

"I'll try." I said weakly.

—

"Dawn! You're back!" Crowe said. She ran over to me and grabbed my hands.

"Are you okay?" She asked. I gave her a shaky smile.

"No. I'm not. But... I wasn't getting any better just lying in bed wishing the world away. I figured it was time to come back before I reverted to what I used to be." I said. Crowe pulled me in to a tight hug.

"If you need help, give Nyx, Libertus or I a call. We'll do what we can." She said.

"Thanks, Crowe." I said and returned to work officially. On my way to my office, I ran in to Cor. We stared at each other.

"Dawn..." He said. I drew a deep breath.

"Hello, Cor." I said and headed to my office. I sat down at my desk and placed my fist against my heart. It hurt just to look at him. I drew in a deep breath and allowed a few tears to escape my eyes. I wiped them away and tried to focus on my work.

Unfortunately for me, my eyes had other plans and wanted to show the pain stil lingering in my heart. I pulled my glasses from my face and closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Dawn?" I heard. I looked up and saw Regis's blurry figure in my doorway.

"Your Majesty. I didn't hear you come in." I said. He frowned at me and closed the door, sitting down on the other side of the desk.

"Are you sure you're ready to be back, Dawn?" He asked. I stared at him. He sighed.

"Dawn, you have never called me Majesty, even in the presence of officials. You never even call me Regis. It's always Reg or Reggie with you." He said. I shrugged.

"Things change. People change." I said. He sighed and grabbed my hand.

"I know you're still hurting, Dawn." He said. I sighed and pulled my hand away.

"Of course I'm still hurting. I lost my son. It's never going to stop hurting. But I'm not going to get better by lying in my bed, clutching to a Chocobo plushie and praying that it's all a dream." I said. He sighed and grabbed my hand.

"Dawn... don't turn yourself in to Cor over this. As much as it hurts, still be Dawn." He said. I looked down.

"We are still friends, aren't we?" He asked. I nodded.

"Then please, Dawn. Come to me with your pain. Come to Grace with your pain. We'd be happy to let you cry on our shoulders when you need to." He said.

"That's just it, Reg... I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting. I just... I just want things to go back to the way they were." I said. He squeezed my hand.

"Erasing him won't do that." He said.

"I know. I can't bring myself to take apart his room. There's still part of me that ridiculously hopes one day I'll open my door and someone will be standing there with him in their arms." I said.

"Don't overwork yourself, Dawn." He said.

"I'll try." I said. He stood and turned to leave.

"And Reggie?" I called. He turned and looked at me.

"Yes, Dawn?" He asked. I smiled up at him.

"Thank you." I said. He gave me a gentle smile.

"You're welcome, Dawn." He said. He left to attend his duties and I returned to mine.

—

It was a few weeks later. I got home from work and went and stood in the baby's room as I always did. I heard my front door open and close.

I didn't move from my spot. Whether it was Boar or Cor, I didn't care anymore. At work I seemed completely normal. I didn't cry anymore, I made my usual snarky comments, attended training as usual, ran drills as usual.

"You've met your end, brat." Boar's voice came. I still didn't move. I heard him raise the gun in his hand. I only stared in to the baby room that my son should have been in.

"Not gonna fight?" He asked. I said nothing. I did nothing.

"Hey, brat." He snapped.

"If you're gonna pull the trigger, do it already. I'm already looking at the last thing I want to see." I said hollowly. I heard him step forward. He was walking with a cane now, I notice.

"...You have a baby?" He asked. Tears started down my cheeks again.

"Had. Past tense." I said.

"...What happened?" He asked.

"Born sick. Got stolen from the special care unit. Taken to Niflheim. Either way, I don't have him anymore." I said. I heard Boar lower the gun.

"The one thing you wanted outta life ripped from your arms just after it was put in them." He said.

"Should have known better." I said. He looked at me.

"I'm just some street rat. Nothing good happens to people like me. Everyone I've ever loved has left me. By choice or not. I just ain't meant to be loved. Just a Street Rat." I said.

"No, Brat. You're a member of the crownsguard. A trusted Kingsglaive to the King. A friend to the King. You ain't just a street rat anymore. You bettered yourself and made something of yourself. Something most of us at the BAR can never do." He said. I said nothing.

"You don't belong in that ring, Pri-... Mercy. You belong right where you are. In the Kingsglaive." He said. I laughed.

"I must be going crazy. I thought my old mentor came in here to finally kill me and end my pathetic existence and instead he started telling me I belong where I am. I'm losing my damn mind!" I laughed. Boar grabbed my shoulder.

"Don't give yourself up, kid. I'll leave you be." He said. I heard him leave and lock the door behind him. I continued to stare in to the baby's room. I heard the door open again and heard Cor call for me. I heard him walk up behind me.

"Dawn?" He asked. I said nothing just as I did with Boar. He stepped to my side. He looked in the room and then looked at me.

"It never stops." I said after a second.

"No matter what... no matter how I distract myself. No matter how hard I try to forget... it's still there. It still hurts. Even if I were to empty this room completely, it still hurts." I said. Cor turned and touched me. I fell to my knees and began to sob.

The truth was, I was broken. And this time I don't think I can put myself back together again.